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ladyshay23 · Apr 18, 2009, 04:31 PM

Im trying to find my biological mother. How can I find her without lots of money. Have grandchildren with medical conditions and one passed away at three weeks old from a heart condition, so I need medical background. I also would like to know where I came from and my background. I haven't any family left other than my children and grandchildren. It would mean the world to me to know if I have any siblings.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 18, 2009, 04:37 PM

If you have grandchildren, then your mother may well not be alive.

Also women marry, get divorced, remarry so finding them is a lot harder than men.

First do you know her name, anything about where she was from.

Next what medical info can she give you that will make a difference, not being cruel

ladyshay23 · Apr 18, 2009, 07:36 PM

Yes I know her name and her fathers name. The lawyers names and doctor. She was only sixteen when I was born. I am 53. People that aren't adopted know medical history and also their roots, if they look like their mom or dad, I think adoptees should have that right also.

Synnen · Apr 19, 2009, 08:28 AM

Adoptees SHOULD have access to their medical information. They should also be given non-identifying information about their roots.

Take that up with your state representatives. Adoption law isn't going to change until people make enough of an uproar about it.

If there truly IS a medical condition, you can get a lawyer and petition the courts for opening the medical records.

Since you have your birthmother's name and some information about her, hiring a private detective is also an option.

You can also leave your name and contact information with the adoption agency used and the courthouse in the county where the adoption took place, so that if she comes looking for you, she has your contact information.

Register at reunion websites like adoption.com, adoption.org, and ISSR.

Look, I believe that the laws surrounding adoption need to change as well. However--remember that it is someone else's LIFE that you may be disrupting if you pop in out of nowhere because YOU want information. Please do your contact through a third party, because your birthmother may have moved on with her life, and there may be no one currently IN her life that even knows she gave birth to you. Adoption back then was very secretive, and you could cause serious problems for her if you invade her life uninvited. You have the right to your medical history, but you do NOT have the right to just jump into someone else's life after 53 years and demand answers.

The other side of this is that she may be looking for YOU. That's what those letters you leave are for, and that's what the reunion websites are for.

ladyshay23 · Apr 19, 2009, 10:40 AM

I have spent a lot time thinking about her having a family and them not knowing about me. I realize everything you said. I didn't plan on just busting in on her and saying surprise, I am not that inconsiderate. But I didn't ask to be born in that situation, and unless you are adopted you have know idea what it is like. Unfortunately I haven't any money for lawyers or anything else. Do you have any other suggestions?

Synnen · Apr 19, 2009, 03:59 PM

The ONLY search options that do not cost any money whatsoever (and this may vary from state to state) are posting letters in the adoption file and at the adoption agency, and registering at reunion websites. At least, those are the only options that I am aware of.

And I may not know what it's like to be an adoptee---but I DO know what it's like to be a birthmother.

highlinekid · Apr 20, 2009, 07:50 PM

I was adopted and had the same information that you have. I located and met my birth mother and siblings. One thing I would like to know is were you adopted through an agency or private adoption? It does make a difference. I would love to help if I can.

ladyshay23 · Apr 21, 2009, 05:22 AM

It was a private adoption with lawyers, whose names I have. I also have the doctors name. But I don't have the financial resources that others do. Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

highlinekid · Apr 21, 2009, 05:54 AM

The reason I asked was that agencied are really good about giving you health and other non-identifiable information. I was 30 years old and had no medical information in my file but much changes in that many years.

I wrote a letter to my birth mother and put it in an envelope without sealing it. I then wrote a letter to my local Social Security office explaining what I was trying to accomplish and why. I told them that I understood the national office could locate her and asked them to send it on. They did and four months later my birth mother called me.

I looked at scoured and spoke to her brother and ex-husband over a four year period before trying this route. SS sent my birth mother a form stating that I was trying to locate her, that I didn't know she had been located, and gave her my contact information with the letter I had written to her.

I spent very little money if any in doing this. The SS office actually did call and tell me that they located her - they are not supposed to do this but the lady said, "we got personally involved after reading your letters". I would be happy to talk with you sometime if you would like to know exactly what I put in the lettter.

I hope this helps some. If we can share personal contact information I would be happy to give that to you.

Synnen · Apr 21, 2009, 06:05 AM

Wow... I had no idea that Social Security offices would DO that.

I am wondering, though, if that is a standard procedure for them. You would almost have to have a person's SSN in order for them to look for someone---for instance, Jennifer Anderson from Chicago, IL, is NOT going to be easily located.

What information did you NEED to have in order for the Social Security office to get involved?

highlinekid · Apr 21, 2009, 06:11 AM

All I had was her name at the time of my birth and her parents name. Where I was born and date range of her birth day (I knew how old she was when I was born). I did have her brothers name as well. I also included places that she had lived. But I had no numbers of any kind.

I do not believe that this is a standard thing for them to do and I did let them know everything else I had already tried and for how long. They were my last resort. I have never talked to any body else that has gone this route.

ladyshay23 · Apr 21, 2009, 07:14 AM

I tried the ss office but they weren't very receptive. Also there is a lot of jeanette boyces around,and that was her maiden name. I have no birthdate for her only know she was 16 when I was born. Yes I wouldn't mind talking to you personally if its okay.

ladyshay23 · Apr 21, 2009, 07:54 AM

I suppose I could try again, but I do know her fathers name. But I don't have any idea what part of fla. She was from. I only know she was sent to live with an aunt in daytona beach till I was born.

highlinekid · Apr 21, 2009, 08:37 AM

I tried to share my personal email address but I found that this is against the rules of the site. I don't know how we could get ahold of each other unless you are on Facebook? I will share my name with the world if they let me post that. Rhonda Marten Hayworth

ladyshay23 · Apr 21, 2009, 08:58 AM

My name Sharon Holzhause Brannon. I am on Reunion. Com if you want to contact me there. I think you can get my e-mail address there.

highlinekid · Apr 21, 2009, 09:17 AM

I am now on reunion.com but have limited access so it won't let me even send you an email. I don't want to spend the $ to be a premium member.

ladyshay23 · Apr 21, 2009, 09:52 AM

I don't blame you, especially when you don't need the site. Maybe I'LL think of some other way. But please stay in touch with me here on this site.

highlinekid · Apr 21, 2009, 12:54 PM

You may be able to send me an email through reunion.com? I do understand if you are being cautious about who you talk to and I respect that also. We'll stay in touch how we can. I am willing give you more information about myself if that would help your comfort level.

In any case I have some ideas - this involves legwork and time. To be honest I don't really like the negativity on forums about doing this. You asked how - not should I or shouldn't I?

Synnen · Apr 21, 2009, 01:29 PM

Frankly, since I see the question "how can I find my birthmother/birthparents" at LEAST 5 times a week, I understand that it's a need.

However, from the birthmother's point of view--it's not your RIGHT to know it.

I've given suggestions on HOW to do it. Those suggestions will work if the birthmother is ALSO searching--which is the ideal situation for a reunion.

I don't consider it to be negative to be protecting the rights of women who were told that no one COULD find out they'd given a child up for adoption. You HAVE parents--good ones, I'm hoping, that your birthmother sacrificed more than you can realize so that you could have them.

I don't have a problem with people searching. What I have a problem with is people who think it is their RIGHT to contact a person who may have their world DESTROYED to have someone show up on their doorstep 20-30-40 years later and say "hi mom!"

There are certainly plenty of adoptee support sites out there if you want positivity.

I am not negative--I pointing out REALISTICALLY what might happen. The adoptee is not the only person involved here, and I think that most adoptees are incredibly selfish to think it's all about what THEY want and what THEY need, without thinking about how it may affect others--including the adoptive parents and birthparents.

The only thing you have a RIGHT to is your medical information. If you have a legitimate need for that, then I haven't heard of a court case yet that's denied a medical need for information.

So by all means--find a site with less "negativity". I've tried to be helpful--but being helpful means pointing out that it's not all rainbows and roses for reunions.

ladyshay23 · Apr 21, 2009, 01:49 PM

I realize it is not all roses and rainbows. I am not an evil person who just plans to disrupt someone's life. But all this haunts me everyday. Do you have to live with not knowing where you came from if you look like one of your parents. Do you know what it is like when your growing up and your friends ask you about your natural parents. As I have said before I would be happy with medical information and just a picture of her. Is that really too much to ask.