[highlinekid]

I never stated that it our RIGHT to know. It has been stated that a lot of thought has gone into this. She had to sign for and pick up the letter and was told I was looking and given my information with the choice to contact me or not - it was completely my birth mothers choice I didn't just "show up on her doorstep". I was as ready for the rejection as I was to find her as everyone searching should be.

The problem with opening your files through the court to get the medical information is that A LOT of that information is not accurate after 30-50 years so it really does no good and if the birth mother was that young you can bet she didn't know any way.

Thank you for being so selfless in giving up a child for adoption. Women like you are heroes in my book and I wish these young teenagers could be that selfless.

I am curious to know, from your perspective (I'm not being snotty - I am really interested please) In the world the way it is now what is the stigma or issue that keeps birth parents from wanting to meet their adult children? If it is a secret, why? Help me to understand.

I am NOT for open adoptions at all. I had the most wonderful parents anyone could have and they will be forever my mom and dad. My birth mother has a first name and it's not "mom". We don't have a "relationship". I waited until I was 30 so that my parents didn't feel I was trying to replace them. The most this woman will ever be to me is a friend and I made that understood before she ever made that call.

My birth mother had absolutely no idea that she could put a note in my file looking for me. I don't suppose that she the only one.

[ladyshay23]

I had the most wonderful parents also, I couldn't have had better. But my Mom was also selfless and understood my need to know and offered to help me find her, but I said know because I didn't want to hurt her or my dad. But I know longer have them in my life. I was told that My natural parents wanted to get married and keep me but My bio. Moms father said no.

[Synnen]

Any birth mother searching is given that same information from me--I am actually more active with birthparents and birthparent support groups than I am with adoptees, simply from my own perspectives.

In TODAY'S world, there is not as much stigma. The issue comes from most closed adoptions where the birthmother walks away and carries on with her life. I've spoken with some birthmothers from the 60s, 70s, and 80s that think of their child and miss them every day, and it's affected their entire life. They've never truly been allowed to mourn their loss (society is VERY bad about that), and it's affected their relationships with husbands, lovers, children, parents--whoever! Those birthmothers are the ones who are searching, even if they are only passively searching (registering on reunion sites and sending letters to the adoption agency).

Other mothers from the SAME times never told anyone they were pregnant. They had the baby in secret, never saw the child, and MOVED ON with their life. They seldom think of their child other than to hope he/she is okay occasionally. They never told their husbands about the child. They never told their kids. They mourned their loss, and moved on with their lives, never talking about it. These are the women whose lives would be completely disrupted if a child given for adoption were to show up one day, or call, or otherwise initiate contact NOT through a third party. The emotional upheaval in those cases is horrible. Imagine someone you've thought of as dead for 30 years shows up on your doorstep. As nice as it is to see them, it's HORRID at the same time, and the emotions involved are extreme.

I am absolutely for open adoptions--mine is open, and I communicate with my daughter's parents a couple times a year. They let me know she's okay, and I keep them updated on medical problems in my family, along with other information. I find myself being friends with her parents, long-distance.

I hope my daughter contacts me at 18---but that will be her choice. Her parents know how to reach me, and have promised to give her that information if she asks for it. I don't expect her to call me "mom"--she has a mom. I do, however, expect her to have some respect for me for the hard decisions I had to make regarding her life before she was even born.

The difference between MY open adoption, and many open adoptions is that I have a non-interference policy.

Frankly, there just needs to be more public education about adoption in general. Ask most people about adoption, and they'll tell you everything they know--and all of it dates to the 1940s.

Anyway, I hope I answered what you were asking. I wasn't trying to take away from the original question. It's that since I see the OTHER side of things, I feel the need to point out that someone else's life is involved as well.

[highlinekid]

Thank you Synnen. I had no idea that you could put the no-interference clause - that changes my prospective some about open adoptions.

Here is what my birth mother told me that haunted her for 30 years: The adoption papers in 1965 where she was to sign said something to the effect "I hereby abandon this child to_________." She had dreams for years over this statement. I do believe they have changed that and maybe it was different depending on the state or county.

I was adopted through Lutheran Social Services. I was not a very "nice" teenager. I said some very hurtful things to my mom and had quite a mouth (still have that sometimes). Mom and Dad took us back to Lutheran Social Services for counseling when I was 14 years old and it was the councilor who believed that I needed to know some information. It made a HUGE difference in my attitude and how I treated my Mom. He told me how old she was when she had me, my nationality, what medical information was there (nothing). I carried that information with me for many years, not really thinking I would go any further then, like you ladyshay23, I just felt like was just something missing inside of me. I can honestly say that I haven't had that feeling since meeting my birth mother. I listened to her story of why, how, where, and what. I was completely surprised and still am by how much mental power the parents had over adult children back then. I will tell you that I am SO VERY thankful that she made the choice to give me up. I have a 1/2 brother (15mo younger), 1/2 sister (2 yr younger), and 1/2 sister 5 years younger and the things they had to endure growing up I can not even fathom. They are all very good people but they are not a close family like mine was - not even close.

I completely agree that a third party needs to be involved and that is how I went about it. I also gave my birth mother the option of simply writing me with the information I was seeking without a return address or through SS.