[sun7914]

Hello,
I met a girl who had asked me out back in December 2008. At the time, she was living about 4.5 hrs from me. From the get go we got along very well (almost too well relative to my previous relationships) and before you knew it, we were meeting up almost every weekend. We would finish each others sentences and she would call me as I am texting her and vice versa.

She was finished with her grad school. So, when she would come down to visit me, she would freely stay for 4-5 days at a time. It occurred very seamlessly and we soon became very intimate both emotionally and physically. After the second time meeting her, she told me that she had gotten out of an engagement in Nov '08 (1 mo before we met) and had only been in long-term relationships (4 of them) since end of high school/beginning of college and had been very intimate (sexually) with all of them from the very beginning. The weird part was that she was ready to be sexually intimate the first weekend we spent together. I held back as I was more interested in getting to know her first. That made me hesitant from that point on, from a physical intimacy standpoint, because I wasn't sure whether she was really ready for a relationship. However, I was starting to fall for her at that point. So, it was hard to not be physical with her... I would attempt to do so and then pull away because I just had these doubts in my head as to whether she was truly ready. Plus, how can one perform with those thoughts in your head? One mistake I made when getting to know her was that I was so quick to introduce her to my friends. She is beautiful, cultured, smart, and great with kids. On face value, she just seemed perfect. However, she would bring up her ex very randomly in conversation (meaningless info... some info I do need to know but not those bits) which caused me to be even more hesitant. After going out for about 3 months, she moved back home where her parents live to continue studying for her board exam and start her job search as she had been away from home doing her master's and doctorate for 3.5 yrs. So, I flew up one time to see her and the weekend didn't go that smoothly because: 1) we were always meeting up with one of our friends, 2) she brought up her ex again when we had our only bit of alone time during the day, and 3) we went to her friend's bridal party and couldn't be together because several of her acquaintances in attendance weren't aware that she was no longer engaged so us being together would have them all talking which she wasn't ready for. After that bridal party, we got into an argument because of how frustrated I was since I couldn't be with her that evening.

After the trip, I expressed how she shouldn't have placed me in that environment (bridal party) because I was only there for a wkend and one evening I couldn't spend with her. I thought it was inconsiderate of her. I was expecting an apology which she did so but also decided that this was all too much too soon. She wanted to pull back and not be in a committed relationship anymore. Rather, she wanted to be friends, continue to get to know each other, and focus on spending time with her family, studying for her boards, looking for a job, and being available to help with several of her girlfriends' weddings which are all coming up over the next 7 mo.

She has said that she would be in a better mental state to handle a relationship after she gets through all of the above events. Plus, all of her close friends will be married so, other than family and her job, she won't have much to occupy herself. I have always thought that it would have been better if I had met her 6 months later as many of the concerns I have would not then be present. Also, if I had to do it over or had the chance to do it again, I would spend time with her one on one and not be so quick to introduce her to my friends until we knew that this could go somewhere.

Should I try being friends with her, reign in my emotions and feelings, and wait till she gets through all of this and in the meanwhile be open to meeting new people since we are not committed? Or should I say I don't want to be friends and move on? Regardless, I can't get her out of my head and really miss seeing her. I do think we work well but there may just be too many underlying issues.

I would appreciate any advice.

[Dragonfly1234]

Should I try being friends with her, reign in my emotions and feelings, and wait till she gets through all of this and in the meanwhile be open to meeting new people since we are not committed? Or should I say I don't want to be friends and move on? Regardless, I can't get her out of my head and really miss seeing her. I do think we work well but there may just be too many underlying issues.

I don't think you are ready to let her go and don't believe it would be as simple getting her out of your head right away.

I do however believe that you need to focus on other things, meet new people being one of them. Do not make the mistake of waiting around for her. Chances are, if she doesn't want a committed relationship with you now, it's not about the timing at all, it's about how she feels. Women often feel guilty when breaking up with a guy so they try to ease him into the idea. I'm not saying that is necessarily the situation with you and her but just that you should be considering that as well.

[sun7914]

Thanks Dragonfly1234. I appreciate the advice. The reason I said "should I say I don't want to be friends and move on" is because I have always done a clean break in prior relationships that didn't work out. However, in those relationships, there was a definitive reason why it didn't work out. For us, I am not so sure it is so clear other than this is too soon after her engagement ended. Unless, she just feels different from me. I think she still has feeling because, one thing I forgot to mention is that, since we broke up and decided to be friends, she calls me a few times a week and is always pinging me when she sees me online. I have only called her once. I am purposely not reaching out to her since it was her who wanted to be friends. Also, I do want to give her space so she can focus on the things she should be focusing on. Thoughts?

[Dragonfly1234]

When someone goes into a 'rebound' relationship, it doesn't always mean that there isn't an attachement and feelings for the other person, it just means that they may have started dating before being mentally ready (i.e. moved on from the previous relationship, closure, picked up the pieces, grown from the experience etc.).

If you were a rebound boyfriend to her, it doesn't mean she's not attached to you and doesn't care about you, but it certainly would indicate that the relationship doesn't stand much of a chance given that she's simply not ready.

Try to go about your business, try to give it time and see. You seem like a level headed kind of guy, that's a huge advantage in working through this right there.

[sun7914]

Again, thanks for the advice Dragonfly1234. Makes sense. I will give it time and be patient with her but, at the same time, will go about my business and be open to meeting other people and not simply wait and hope.

[Survivor07]

I agree with all Dragonfly said 100%.

She couldn't possibly be ready for another long-term relationship. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you. She most likely doesn't want to lose you, but she does need time and space and you are smart to give that to her.

Don't put your life on hold, for sure.

Also, be prepared for the fact that she may reunite with the man she was engaged to.

Good luck to you

[sun7914]

Thanks Survivor. I appreciate the advice. I will def keep that in mind. As for her going back with her ex, I doubt it since he apparently treated her poorly but who knows. Again thanks and I def feel better after all of you feedbacks. At least I know I am not thinking crazy. :-)

[talaniman]

She is not ready for what you want, so take that as a hint to keep your other options, and opportunities, open to you.

[sun7914]

Exactly... I agree. My options are def open. Like you said, this should not be an option for her. However, with that said, I am finding that she has been calling me more often since I have stopped calling. She probably is realizing what she had since she doesn't have it anymore. She needs to have time to herself since she recently got out of an engagement. Thanks for the advice!

[Survivor07]

You sound like your head's on straight. That's good. It's disappointing, though, I understand, to find someone you really like and they're not ready for what you want.

Being friends with her or being in contact seems to be okay with you and that's good, too. Maintaining a friendship is fine and who knows what it could lead to. Just keep it light.

AND be careful with those expectations and like everyone else said, keep yourself open to other opportunities.