[mysticque]

Epi you have my full sympathy. Maybe you just let them go for now since they are old enough anyway. Like Giggles said let the door open to both sides that way you have room for yourself and her. It's a two sided sword regardless what effort you do you'll never make it to her. My mom has been raised with strict rules and live by the book. It was very hard for me to relate what I feel because she doesn't have that side of her life. Sometimes people just need to cross over the gray line. I'm sure your kids love you only thing is they haven't had that much time with their father so it wold probably best if you let them go to him so they get reaquainted again. Just remind them when they are at your house they have to live with your rules and respect you or they can freely go back to daddy.

[epi]

Thanks again...

GRANDCHILDREN?? Can't wait!

[mysticque]

You are most welcome!

[talaniman]

Thought you would like that. I am enjoying every minute. Thank God they sleep at night.

[s_cianci]

First of all, you took the right stand with your son. Your husband has taken to pampering him, probably out of guilt, the same way it is with most absentee parents. Now, unfortunately, as calloused as she may be making it sound, your daughter actually has a valid point concerning the child support, even if she doesn't express it tactfully. CHild support is for the child's expenses, not for the custodial parent's. Your daughter is past the age where she would normally receive child support. However, several states require that child support continue for a full-time student past the age of 18, usually up to the age of 23 or graduation, whichever comes first. Evidently your state is one of them. However, it sounds like her father is paying for most of her education-related expenses as it is, as well as a few non-essentials to boot : cell phone, gas allowance, spending money, laptop, printer , fridge ,clothes, microwave, meal plan, etc. If he was able to document all of this with the judge it's actually a wonder that the judge ordered the child support payments to continue, at least without drastically reducing the amount. But that is a two-way street also and the point you make about the time she spends at your home when off from school is valid as well and for that you are entitled to support money, provided she remains in school full-time. Your point about her staying with her father during vacation periods if she insists on having all the support money he pays for her is valid as well. Personally, given that your son and daughter have essentially attained financial independence from you, albeit with their father's help, I'd just keep all support money received. Then it'll be there if they decide to spend any time with you. If they don't, then c'est la vie. And yes, I'd wait for your son to contact you. He's the one who bailed out because he didn't want to be responsible so he's the one who has to make the move to come back if he's so inclined. If he does, the same rule applies ; either school or work. Don't back down and let him manipulate you the way he does his father.

[KristinaS]

The back child support goes to the mom who fronted it! Did you ever want for clothes or school supplies or did your mom charge them on credit cards so you'd have them?? My kids are now 20 and 18 and my ex owes me $26,000 in back support. He has $92,000 in unaccounted for income plus a $31,000 IRA. He can repay me for his 50% share of raising his kids, but the courts are so stupid that they think "Well, these kids are grown now". Well, DUH! How are they grown now?? THey would have starved to death if I had not charged their food, clothes, mortgage payments, etc. And women only make $.75 per dollar that men make in America. My ex made $10,000 more per year than me and he had no college degree yet I am a lawyer. No one would hire me because I had to leave work every time one of my kids was sick and every time I had another hearing against my ex, and every time one of my kids was in the hospital (which was every year). Once your kids are 18 they are on their own. But if you can help them, do it.

[jean48329]

My heart hurt reading some of the replies and your story... I can relate, directly. I have two boys, different fathers... but no child support. I raised them on my own, sometimes three jobs, with the smallest on my back in a backpack while I cleaned toilet bowls and the 6 year old wanted to "help" Momma, by going around and grabbing the little small size garbage bags and piling them up in the main office, when I started cleaning offices on the side, working full time during the day Managing an Optical Shoppe and waiting tables on the weekend.. cleaning was after day work and into the evening... but it kept our noses just above water... till I was assaulted... then everything went to hell in a handbasket! You and I both know the cost alone of rent or a mortgage (break that down into 30.5 days for a daily rate!), I guess you could do the same for electric, water, heat or ac, cost of foodstuffs consumed, if you cooked, the cost of your time on an hourly basis... I'm sorry, but 50.00 a week for two (or three, wasn't clear on paternity of youngest) isn't cutting his fair share over the years! You have "back pay " to collect here!! Figure in the cost of their dance lessons, and the rest... You weren't being assisted with the costs in these fees! I'm sorry, but I hear about too many men and women who just don't understand the monies involved when it comes to having to rent that two or three bedroom apt. or home, over the cost of one bedroom... I probably sound like I'm rambling, but a lot of people in this world truly have no clue what the costs of raising kids now has risen to... In Michigan right now, I know of a young couple paying close to 200.00 a week for infant day care, the Momma is a bus driver for school district, and the Dad is a self employed mechanic, both struggling to make ends meet... Can you imagine taking one of their incomes out of the scenario... leaving in the need for day care?
I can understand your hurt and pain... a recent study though did reveal that the brains of adolescents and young adults do not truly reach full "capacity" until they are approximately 22 years of age. I hope this helps just a smidge... You and you alone need to be the one to determine what you feel is right and what is wrong.. but I think if she still wants to come "hang out" at your home.. and it is just that, "your home".. she's an adult now... so figure out her costs for each visit , all of it... and let her know... if she's that insensitive for all the times you did for them what you have sacrificed... then, like a butterfly, let