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Mazdadude07 · Apr 15, 2009, 07:21 AM

Little background,

I met this girl back in end of Jan, we hit things off right away, staying out late nite's at restaurants just talking until 12-1am getting to know each other more. Week later, the actual dating began, I've never been so into someone, and ever so romantic, fireplace/candlelite dinners, staying in restaurants until they kick us out after their done cleaning up, I took her to someone where she's never been kissed before, atop a observatory on 94th floor of building in downtown Chicago.

I had separated from my EX, in the beginning of Jan whom I have 3 kids with I see her only to pick up the kids each weekend, and this girl has one son whom she has no contact with his father whatsoever.

Little after a month of dating, she thinks be best to be just friends. Since then we still have spoken every day nearly every hour of every day, txtn. I have found it incredibly hard to just see as a friend, and she's made it clear is all she wants, not even romantic friends.

She is coming over tomorrow for dinner, thought in my mind that lingers is, How in the world could I even handle being friends once she wants to begin dating or hooking up with other people? I have been asked on dates over past two weeks by other girls, but have turned them down, as its not who I want to be with or where I want to be. I really don't think I could handle it, she made a comment yesterday "really would like sum *** without any strings attached", I being a man of course offered, but said we cannot, because I'm special, and cannot do that. That's got me thinking I don't think I could handle staying friends with her, knowing that she is with someone else, would this be pretty much why majority of people do not remain friends with their ex's?

I was thinking of talking with her tomorrow evening about this, and that would have to be all or nothing because I can't handle being dumped, wanting to stay close friends, and watching her hook up with someone else, am I wrong to think like this?

I wish · Apr 15, 2009, 07:29 AM

It's clear that you are still attached to your ex and her actions still affect you.

If you find it really difficult to be friends again with your ex, it means that you guys have not recovered from the break up. You need to spend more time apart to recover before you even consider being friends again.

In most cases, even after recovery, you can't be friends with an ex.

Mazdadude07 · Apr 15, 2009, 07:43 AM

Without a doubt I am, everything was going perfectly, and she was just into me just as much. Then just was all of sudden, wanted to be friends.

She says that I am special to her, no one has ever treated her so much like a princess as I have, I have never been so romantic with anyone ever before, last date was candlit dinner overlookin the Lake. :)

I just think tomorrow will sit her down, and talk about all this, and figure out what she wants from US, because if its just friends, for now I can't handle it, and need a break, I can't sit on sidelines and watch her hook up with other people.

Justwantfair · Apr 15, 2009, 07:54 AM

This is a horrible idea in my opinion.

You are drawing out your pain for her. That is a horrible expectation of her to put on you even if she can handle it. You need to be no contact. That is the only way to heal when your expectations of the relationship are so different.

Cancel dinner immediately, it isn't an appropriate expectation on her part. Begin no contact as well explaining that you aren't friends in your mind and the expectation is unreasonable. You have enough friends, she doesn't need to be one of them.

Any friend would understand your pain in this. So if she can't what kind of friend is that?

I wish · Apr 15, 2009, 07:55 AM

Sounds good! Good luck!

Let us know how it goes and if you need more help.

Edit: Justwantfair... well I still think he should confront her 1 more time. Maybe not over dinner, but a more casual setting.

Justwantfair · Apr 15, 2009, 08:07 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Edit: Justwantfair... well I still think he should confront her 1 more time. Maybe not over dinner, but a more casual setting.

Where does the confrontation lead him? The OP will once again tell her that he can't handle "just friends" but that is what she wants. So he is forced to be "just friends" or go no contact, a final confrontation will not change the outcome.

P.S. I don't have intimate solo dinners with my "just friends".

liz28 · Apr 15, 2009, 08:08 AM

I think feelings got involved too quick especially if you just came out of a relationship with your ex.

When someone tell you they aren't looking for a relationship listen to their words because you can't force the issue when they already express what they don't want.

If you can handle being just friends than don't be her friends. She just want to be friends and don't want nothing romantic neither.

Your feelings for her will continue to grow and it doesn't matter how many discussion you have about it. If you won't be able to see her with nobody else and you can't be with someone else because of your feelings towards her, more of a reason not to be friends.

Sometimes you have to let people go instead of keeping them around hoping their mind will change.

I wish · Apr 15, 2009, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Where does the confrontation lead him? The OP will once again tell her that he can't handle "just friends" but that is what she wants. So he is forced to be "just friends" or go no contact, a final confrontation will not change the outcome.

P.S. I don't have intimate solo dinners with my "just friends".

It's because there seems to be a lot of unanswered questions.

"I just think tomorrow will sit her down, and talk about all this, and figure out what she wants from US, because if its just friends, for now I can't handle it, and need a break, I can't sit on sidelines and watch her hook up with other people."

It's even worse to go straight into no contact if there was a misunderstanding. But I agree with Justwantfair, you should not go to dinner to have this conversation.

Mazdadude07 · Apr 15, 2009, 08:19 AM

Some very good posts, appreciate it :) Being very limited to whom I talk to about this around here, this site helps to vent :)

Something I should note, about 3 weeks back, I explained this to her, that I can't just be friends, because I'm too into her, and need a break to recover and to be able to just see her as a friend.

To help myself, I got rid of everything she got me, everything for contacts, cell phone, email, everything, to keep myself from contacting her. This lasted for 1 week, before she txt'd me saying "sorry" and began talking again, and now, talk every single day, starting from by 730am one of us saying good morning, to 930 at night, saying sweet dreams, I'm not sure if I'm being thrown through a mind game or what, but I cannot think of one friend in all my life that I talk to as much as that, and like "justwantfair" having solo dinners with at home.

Mazdadude07 · Apr 15, 2009, 08:33 AM

Liz28;1667150]I think feelings got involved too quick especially if you just came out of a relationship with your ex.

I think so too, way too quickly, she hadn't been with anyone or dating for a year until me, she was 4 months pregnant last year when cut off contact with the man, and had not anyone just focused on family and her son. Me on other hand, I've never been one to be single, all my life never. Was with my babysmama for 7 years, before her. 2-3 weeks pass and meet this new girl that's giving me a headache now lol.

She had said, she felt kind of like rebound, when tried to reassure she wasn't, but one person can't help but feel that, and that couldn't handle feeling jealous when I had to see my ex because of the kids, tried to reassure that nothing was going on, but that was part of the major downfall, she couldn't handle me having to see my ex for the kids, she was jealous when she said she shouldn't be but can't help it.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2009, 08:38 AM

Big Red Flag Waving

First you break up, then jump right onto meeting someone else a few weeks later, date a week, and you can't see your moving way to fast, and furious?

An even bigger red flag you need to pay attention to, is your mad because she wants to slow down, and have more getting to know each other time, but all your worried about is her next boyfriend? That's all screwed up, and you really don't need to be in a relationship, because not only are you to needy, but selfish as well.

How old are you any way, as a mature man doesn't rush in, and make demands, before finding out how his partner feels, and make some adjustments to have fun getting to know each other. Your taking all the fun out of the whole dating process.

Mazdadude07 · Apr 15, 2009, 08:54 AM

I never thought about it like that Talaniman, harsh post, but I feel the truth in it. Everything was extremely "fast and furious", I will definitely ponder over what you said, thanks.

makapuu · Apr 15, 2009, 07:16 PM

It doesn't seem like the two of you want the same type of relationship. If you two want to continue to see each other, then you need to know what you are getting into. She seems like she wants an open relationship with no strings. You sound like a romantic one-woman-man.

Mazdadude07 · Apr 21, 2009, 12:29 PM

So we went out but we just went somewhere and parked and talked.

She could not handle the fact that I had to see my EX a lot because of the kids, and feared could be something going on there. I give her that due to fact as we got together right in the beginning of my separation and with a newborn baby involved was over there a lot.

Now that the dust is clearing, and everything is in black and white with the separation, I believe would be a lot easier now. Am taking it easier with her, not a day goes by still yet, without a Good Morning, or Good Night, its very special relationship, and I'm willing to work at it to show, I'm not about playing games and that I can be trusted.

Mazdadude07 · Jun 10, 2009, 12:17 PM

Threads merged

I don't know if I really should be dating (more like going on dates) I am finding myself forcing myself to go on them when I don't really want to at all, but am trying to make it a effort.

I was with my Ex Ex for 8 yrs, we split up back in Feb, I met someone 2 weeks after the split up, and completely fell head over heels for her, fell way harder for her then anyone I ever had, I mainly stayed with the ExEx(8yrs) for the kids, my career took off, was just easier to stay.

So the girl I fell head over heels for, couldn't handle that I had to see my ex all the time for the kids, due to newborn baby was over there more then most split couples with kids would, so not together anymore, not talking nothing. I figure I give it time, until I'm fully on my own again, and back on my feet, and kids are older, would like to try it again with her.

But in mean time, I've been dating for past month, going on dates with several girls, am finding myself not even wanting to go on them, one I cancelled but felt bad for her so went out following weekend with her, I have another date on Friday with different girl, but gosh, I just don't want to but keep telling myself I should be trying to date, I mean should I be? Even though I have no interest in taking any of the dates into a serious relationship?

scott_1976 · Jun 10, 2009, 12:21 PM

Just chill for awhile, do your own thing, enjoy your little ones and have fun doing the things you love! No need to rush it there will be time for dating when you are ready. Your subconscience is telling you your not ready yet so hold off for awhile it won't hurt anything and there is nothing wrong with it.

spitvenom · Jun 10, 2009, 12:23 PM

Sometimes you just have to be by yourself. When you are on the dates is it obvious you would rather be anywhere but there?

Justwantfair · Jun 10, 2009, 12:25 PM

Don't force yourself to date, you aren't ready.

Worry about you and your children.

liz28 · Jun 10, 2009, 12:36 PM

Your not ready to date because your afraid of getting close to someone just to have them crush your heart. That's okay but sooner or later your going have to get over that fear.

So relax for now and get out there when your ready. Or you can still go out once in a while but don't like at it as dating--this might help ease the pressure.

It okay to focus on your kids and it's okay to go out to have some fun.

Mazdadude07 · Jun 10, 2009, 12:51 PM

Yea, am trying to look at it as just fun instead of focusing it on being a date.

I have little ones enrolled in quite a few sports this summer hopefully will eat up my extra time!

Anyone else hate Love? I DO! Makes me think is it worth it? Because damn that heartache after it ends is worse then being tortured!