[t_r]

I find that I get comfort out of attention in relationships.
I've been told that I'm "High maintenance" in previous relationships (whatever that means?).
I can get insecure about things or nothing in particular. I like knowing that I have my partners attention and when I don't have it I feel sort of empty or neglected - which is silly and stupid.
All I'm saying is, is there something that can help me with this?

It could perhaps be something to do with my family, in the past?
My brother is autistic so it comes as no surprise that he would need a lot of the attention from my parents. Although I understand that now, when I was younger it was more difficult to understand.
I have two brothers, and my eldest one seems to keep to himself. We don't talk very often, or at all. It feels uncomfortable for some reason.

I have to watch what I say to my autistic brother, and our conversations have a limit to it.
That leaves my parents, I am close to them, but one can't talk about everything to them.
I usually keep to myself when I am at home for these reasons.
We all have a close bond, in some strange way, only because my autistic brother brings us together.

Even if things were to change, if my family tried to communicate to each other more often - I don't know if I could go through with it. It's too weird. I wouldn't be used to it.

I'm not sure if this would have anything to do with wanting attention in relationships. I gave this information, hoping that it might give me a clearer answer...


Your opinion/advice would be much appreciated.


Thank you.

[taoplr]

I find that I get comfort out of attention in relationships.

Everybody does, From the rest of what you write, you put more significance on it than most people.

I've been told that I'm "High maintenance" in previous relationships (whatever that means?).

It means that you don't take care of your needs by yourself so you have to be "maintained" or managed by people who should be busy managing themselves. They have enough to do. You take energy from others around you that should come from you, energy that should be used in taking care of your emotional well being. It's your job.

I can get insecure about things or nothing in particular. I like knowing that I have my partners attention and when I don't have it I feel sort of empty or neglected - which is silly and stupid.

It seems that you feel insecure in general. Everybody likes knowing they have their partner's attention, but not everybody feels empty or neglected when they don't. They are "low maintenance" because they are self-maintaining.

Your feelings are neither silly nor stupid. They are part of the "program" (like a computer program) that you developed while growing up. You copied some of it from family members and maybe a few other influential people. The rest you invented. Everybody does this.

All I'm saying is, is there something that can help me with this?

Surely there is, and you might and might not find it here. It's hard work, but most probably you can change it, at least enough to have you more comfortable in relationships.

You describe a family that doesn't communicate very much. Both of your brothers are non-communicators. Your parents, who have probably had their hands full with your brother, allow you to not communicate. So where are the people you can model and learn from?

Kids learn by modeling other people. You've been missing a model who shows you how secure people interact, manage themselves, and maintain close or independent relationships. With or without a model, everyone "writes" behavioral "software" in their mind that one day needs to be updated. The key is developing awareness of what you do (how the code is written) and learning how to "access the software" (trusting yourself to know yourself) so you can do the work. This is just a metaphor, so if it makes no sense, tell me.

Even if things were to change, if my family tried to communicate to each other more often - I don't know if I could go through with it. It's too weird. I wouldn't be used to it.

None of your family would be used to it. So what? If you want to change your relationships, you can start by gaining understanding of yourself, others, especially your family, and the way relationships work so that nobody is high maintenance and everybody feels secure, most significantly you.

If the idea of weirdness stops you from trying, let things be. You are used to this and might be content doing it forever. If you find that you are done being this way, start talking with your family. Be the one who breaks the pattern of non-communication and talk, listen, and treat with kindness what they tell you. Get into a live, in-person chat group. Take some courses on interpersonal communication and build yourself some new skills. Find what you need to develop relationships in which you feel secure.

High-maintenance, low-communication people rarely have comfortable, long-term, intimate relationships. If you are determined to change this part of your life, you can. If you don't feel able to do this yourself, go to a therapist and get help with the work.

[t_r]

Thank you very much, you've put a lot of things in perspective for me.
I'm not one who really knows how to take care of myself, leaving it for someone else to do. No one needs that sort of burden.
I have had long term relationships but they have, obviously, come to an end. In them saying that they think they're not good enough for me and such...
I don't know what I'm going to do, it's something that I have to think about.
I know I do have a lot of insecurities.
My current boyfriend, thinks that I deserve the attention - that I spend too much time worrying about others.
This confuses me, because here I am thinking that I'm being selfish.
We have a good relationship with good communication at the moment, but I want to work this problem that I have just in case it does any damage.
I'm very lucky to have him, he's very accepting and we do make sure that we help each other out.

[talaniman]

One good thing is your trying to improve yourself, and work on being better. Even better is working with your partner. I think if you keep working, you will develop the skills to be happy, and healthy in your life, and your relationships. The trick is to keep working on yourself.

[t_r]

Working on myself wouldn't make me come across as selfish, would it?
Thank you, I will try and work things out :)

[talaniman]

Only if its at the expense of another.

That would be your call not theirs, but there are ways to do things for yourself, that doesn't have to hurt others, and that's to love yourself, and who you are, so you can recognize the things that will hurt you, and not go that way.

That's not selfish, because people who have a healthy love for themselves, and their well being, tend to share it, not take it, from others.

[t_r]

That's true, thank you for your help!
I will take all of this into account and hopefully be on my way to a happier and healthy person!

[taoplr]

That's true, thank you for your help!
I will take all of this into account and hopefully be on my way to a happier and healthy person!

Talaniman completed this beautifully. The only remaining question is what, specifically, you will do with all this. I recommend that you think about it for a few days, then:

1. Make a decision to develop one new skill. Commit to learning how to do something that will give you greater ability to grow beyond the issues that brought you to ask your original question. Your new skill could be how you think and feel (e.g., managing your sense of emptiness on your own so it is no longer an issue) or between you and others (e.g., communicating better).
2. Choose one new outcome that you want to produce. Decide where you want to apply that skill so that you initiate a change for the better. It could be with your family, your boyfriend, or wherever. Be determined to produce a tangible result so you know that your work is real.
3. Do it. Get your result. Don't just think about it and go back to the same old pattern. Have fun with this! Play! Working on yourself so you can grow as a human being is essentially a game. One plays at it, and the more you play the better you get.