[mysticque]

I bump off to this website not very long ago. I was going to post a question on my first day. But after thorough investigation with the feedbacks being posted for each question. I felt that I wouldn't get something what I want. I really felt like no one has given a more stable or conclusive point of view. Although they are not there to decide what's for me, however, they can guide me. But I wasn't convinced most of it at all. Maybe I made a wrong impression. Perhaps if I'd posted it any of you would have better idea. So here goes.

Four years ago, I met this handsome, all American guy, at a club here in San Francisco. He was intriguing, funny, and intelligent. Funny that his pickup line was so lame that I just decided to play along. He's very handsome and well built, young and energetic, definitely nothing you can ignore about. Anyway, it turned out great. We found out we had so much in common. We could barely let go of each other. But then I realize I wasn't ready for a commitment. I know I would lose my self-indulgence aura, independency, and carelessness which I was never prepared to give up. So I told him that we better slow it down. In addition to that, I dated another guy who flew from Hawaii to just see me. And we hit it off to bed that same week but I wasn't so satisfied with him. He was totally great and awesome the only problem was he was too small. But it was OK. I wasn't hoping for anything to happen either. I just needed some distraction. But Mr. Witty was trying to reach me the whole time and I just ignored all the calls. A week later he found out I dated with Mr. Hawaii and got to confessed him that I wasn't ready for the next step. He was so mad, and almost cried, but he didn't want to let go. I was only 22 back then so I wasn't looking for anything stable. I was also pretty sure Mr. Witty was a keeper and it would definitely change my world. Big time.

After 3 months I moved in to his place at SU. He was working then on his MSEE. Everything went fine. Well I decided to stay with him since everything was going just as fine. I rearranged my life to fit his even worked for Stanford Hospital for sometime. After he got his masters we decided that we should move somewhere else. Somewhere we never had been. So he found a nice firm at Houston. Me, I'd had to leave everything behind. Tough luck but yes I want to be with him. Ok story goes on and it was great. We live in Houston for 2 years. We made new friends and found some of his back in college. It was a life any women would want. Travel, dinner, parties, and all that. We had our ups and downs. But majority of the time we understand each other and found each others company more appealing. After few months working for Conley Rose he realizes he could do better than any of them. He didn't like working for anyone and getting paid only half the salary as anyone. Well of course he has the highest standards and strictly brilliant mind. Now future was becoming an issue. He wanted an advanced degree and starts a new refreshing life. I wasn't ready to go again. Also I'm a very considerate and conscientious human being. I know how he feels being inferior. And men don’t want to be inferior to anything. So I said OK I’ll go with you but this time we agree we’ll separate but stay friends.

We moved to back to California. He went to Boalt. I moved back with my folks for the time being. At first we weren’t handling it quite OK. So we started seeing each other again. We dearly miss each other’s company and affection. The remainder of my time has been really challenging. I could barely find a decent job. I didn’t want to start my e-commerce I figured it would cost me a lot more stress than I can manage. So I wanted to have a corporate job for now. It took me over a year to finally settle down and stay with the company I like. But now I’m in a position where I feel like he’s out there out of my reach. Basically he has spent most of his time with friends and colleagues while I spend time getting a job. He has a year left quite to finishing Law. His friends have arranged other things for him so he doesn’t have to come back with me. I know that I wouldn’t be able to keep him happy in a longer term but we had so much great time. Well nevertheless it seems over now. He had been dating this girl for quite some time and I’m in no position getting myself entangled to something I can barely have. So yes I moved on. Hurt, betrayed, humiliated, and most of all we lost our friendship. Honestly I didn’t know how to react. But life runs in a forward motion and I refuse to going back. The only reason he’s with this girl is because of security. Or I don’t know. She makes 13% of that million while I only make 50% of hers. I know he’s an ambitious man but it’s not like I’m not going to do any advanced education. Is there a worth a chase? I never chase someone in my life unless I want to stimulate him to chasing me.

[kp2171]

After being in a serious relationship, when a person moves on, its usually for good. There may be exceptions, but I expect those to be the rarities.

Ambition is great. Drive is great. Advancing your ed isn't going to galvinize a relationship.

You planned your life around him. Something Ive done before with a girl I dated for 7 years, talks of marriage, etc. People do these things. Often it's a mistake when you are younger. Not always, though.

Time to not plan anything around him. Definitely not time to chase him. You and I have not seen eye to eye in another post where you said to play the guy and have some fun and let what will be, be. I don't think there's much to play here. If he is genuinely interested in you, he needs to act upon it. You in the meantime need to live without him.

Hurts like hell to walk away from a relationship that you've poured more of yourself into and then wind up without even much of a friendship. Took me 2 years to really get over it. But you are where you are. I think the more you linger on the memory of him, the more time you waste.

[mysticque]

Thanks for a prompt response. Seriously I can manage living without anyone. I always try to stay on the bright side of meeting someone else better. But how would I know Mr. Witty was the best I could get. I'm very attractive woman not to brag about it. Not to mention I'm also down to earth. I've dated models and such. If I was just tall enough I bet I could even do runway. But I like the simplicity but elegant life. It's not like I'm not dating around. And least to my worries I'm not settling down any sooner. I just couldn't find that connection with anyone else or seems like so hard to attain a level of comfort once you have extended your expectations. I don't know if I should limit them or not. I want that kind of package of Mr. Witty. Sux but it's one in a million.

[Skell]

kp2171 has given you a great answer here. I think he is right on the mark. Id rep you but had to spread the love.
It is time to move on I feel.
He is gone and most likely never coming back.
To continue to waste time thinking about what could have been with him will not help you progress.
It is time to forget about the past and look to the future now!
Good luck!

[kp2171]

Saying you're down to earth and then having to reaffirm by stating you've dated models and you could do runway seems a little like bragging... but confidence is generally better than low self esteem when it comes to dating, so more power to you.

Some will find exception to your focus on affluence, material things, and the physical. Each person needs to find their own kind of "weird"... so who is to judge? I know a person who decided long ago she wanted a rich lifestyle. She is a doctor, married a doctor whose father does real estate in malibu. Her yearly christmas cards are like a national geographic subscription. She's been to more exotic places in one year than many people get to in a lifetime. And she and he are happily married. She met him in med school.

And I know a person right now who is getting a divorce largely for financial reasons, as in she still loves the guy emotionally some, but after a dozen years of his driving them into financial ruin (gambling, loss of home, ruined credit) she's done. Can do better by her kids on her own without his self destructive behavior. So the point is we all need some level of financial comfort. When I first read your recent post my gut said you are being too materialistic. But after a second pass... like I said, who's to tell you what will make you happy? People find success because they make it. It isn't an accident usually.

Sooooo... I guess if that is what you want (high financial comfort and the emotional committment), then at least you know it now. Just understand you might be limiting yourself, obviously, by severely decreasing the dating pool. Maybe you'll find your guy. I'm just not sure the guy you had is the one, especially if he's already moved on. Even if he's with her for security, he's still not with you, after being with you and knowing what you're about. I think if you decide to chase him a bit, well, you just won't be able to complain much if it never comes to pass.

[talaniman]

I have to agree with the others here and hope you don't waste time with the past but keep exploring the future. Good Luck.

[ilovcali]

Hey, I live around SF, and I'm just in grad school right, but when I'm done I should be balling! I love dating hot chicks so maybe we should meet up? I'm kidding, but it's actually mostly true.

I know what you mean about that emotional connection. That is very hard to find. I've dated many women, and I never had a connection like I did with my ex. But like everyone has said, you can't really chase someone. Especially since he's dating some, and for "quite sometime".

SF is loaded with single people. And they're from all over the world. It's a great place to meet young people and just have fun. In my opinion, it's actually a pretty hard place to meet someone and have a long term relationship. SF seems like a transient town, people come and go. But they are out there.

And based on what you say, meeting people and getting dates should be a piece of cake. Play the law of averages. The more you date, the more likely that connection will be there with someone new.

[mysticque]

thanks ilovcali, I love the encouragement. I guess that's what's missing with me right now. Most of my friends has already left out of town and settled down with their husbands. Well definitely I'm open to new friendship. I have made a few girl friends here as well and we seem to be all in the same boat. Just to clarify I did move on ^^. I was just making sure that I made the right decision. Sometimes you think before what you do. Especially if its something worth keeping.

[s_cianci]

It doesn't sound good. The two of you have gone off on different paths. I just don't think it was meant to be. I don't think a "chase" would be very fruitful in this situation. I think that you have to put this one behind you and move on.