[TARANAUSTIN]

My boy friend (Austin) has baned me from speaking to my parents.me and Austin have known each other for 5 years ,but dated a year and broke up I got married to another guy then I got pregnant but we broke up .and me and Austin got back together and now I have a 4 month old baby girl.my mother was on drugs and getting high all the time.now she's off drugs and strait and wants to see the baby but Austin won't let her .he said if I let her see the baby he will make me leave but I have no were else to go and I still love him. My dad is a drunk and talked bad about Austin and he said I could never speak to him again and it's been a year now since the last time I talked to either of them. Also my brother I haven't seen them or talked to them in a year either one is living with his girlfriend ,one is in miss.al. And the other one is in jail . I really won't to know how to get him to let me talk to my parents and give me affection because I really need it because the therapy isn't working . I'm 16 and really need help I have so many problems and no money please the least you could do is tell me how I can get my boyfriend to show me affection and let me talk to my family!! *****!! :(

[talaniman]

Wow, How old is your b/f?

[Homegirl 50]

This is what I was going to ask.
You were married to someone when you were 15?
Sounds to me like you have gone from one abusive relatioship to another. I doubt this guys is going to give you what you need, his aim seems to be to control you. No man should forbid you to talk to your family, to isolate you. That is abuse.
Why can you not live with your parents?

[Homegirl 50]

You are still a minor, this is sad. Why has your therapist not suggested somewhere you and your child can go if you cannot go to your parent's home, or has she/he?

[88sunflower]

Well you never ever should have married that young. The only person that should "ban" you from speaking to your parents is yourself. That is your family, your blood. Do not let him take this from you. If your mom is now clean from her addictions this is the first step in a new mother/daughter relationship for you both. Take your baby and move in with her. Tell her your story and let her be your mother. No one should ever control another human like he is you.

[shazamataz]

He has no right to 'ban' you from seeing your parents. You have a 4 month old child which is not his so he has no say over whether the child gets to see his grandmother.
Everyone deserves a second chance and even if he doesn't like your mother or agree with her old lifestyle it's still not his place.
Talk to your local comminity health center and find out about alternate accommodation if living with either or your parents is not possible.

[taoplr]

Tara,

Read this carefully and read it a few times. Don't skim it.

You can solve your problems if you separate them from each other and work on one at a time.

Problem 1: Getting contact with your parents
Problem 2: Getting Austin to give you the affection you need
Problem 3: Getting your therapy to work better

Problem 1 Getting contact with your parents
It seems that Austin is trying to protect you and your baby from the influence of your family. At the least, he's trying to control things and surely believes he has good reasons: drugs, drunkenness, and whatever got your brother into jail. Even though your mother is off drugs now, he probably doesn't trust her to stay that way. Your Dad and Austin see each other as bad guys, so they aren't going to talk with each other.

Solution 1
You have to communicate successfully with Austin. Then, you can work together to make things better. Communicating well takes time, so gently insist that you talk and keep at it. If it turns into an argument, stop, rebuild peace between you, and try again later.

If he is protecting you, you need to show him that you can see your mother without getting derailed. Start by asking him to explain what he feels will happen if your mother sees you and the baby. Don't ask "why" he's banning you from seeing her. He will answer "because" something and you will stop there or start arguing. Ask "what might happen" if you and your baby see your Mom. The "what" question opens a different path from the " question opens a different path from the " question.

When you get an answer to your question, which will probably be something about messing up the baby or disrupting the life you and he are trying to build together, listen well, repeat it back to him so he knows that you really understand, then tell him,"Let's work together to make sure that doesn't happen." question.

When you get an answer to your question, which will probably be something about messing up the baby or disrupting the life you and he are trying to build together, listen well, repeat it back to him so he knows that you really understand, then tell him," What do you want to happen when I see my mother again?" Listen carefully to that and make sure that you and he agree about what the goals are. From there, you and Austin can make a plan for visiting with Grandma.

That's only a step in the right direction, but with it you can do a lot. It will not happen exactly as you plan it, but planning together will improve things. Be grateful that he's trying. It's not easy to raise another man's baby.

Keep working on understanding each other.

Problem 2: Getting Austin to give you the affection you need
Unless he's just a control freak, he's probably controlling you because he believes you need it. He might feel like he's the " Follow up with, " in the situation. That's a burden and not something that makes for intimacy and warmth in a boyfriend.

Solution 2
Show him affection. Respond to any affection he shows you. Tell him that you need it and love it and appreciate it when he is affectionate with you. Take good care of yourself and your baby and let him see that you can manage your responsibilities. He'll warm up when he respects your dedication and discipline. If self-management is a problem, get to work on growing up.

Problem 3: Getting your therapy to work better
What needs to happen to make your therapy work better? Do you have confidence in your therapist? Does Austin go with you? If not, would he if you asked him? What would it be like if your therapy were successful? How can you grow now to become mature enough and strong enough to make the life you want?

Solution 3
Answer these questions and act on the answers. Stay in therapy. If you need to change therapists, do it. As a very young mother with the family history you have, you are right to be in therapy, lucky to have a relationship with a guy who is trying, and smart to ask for more help. Once you realize the power that you can have in your life, you will be happy.