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BROKENandLONELY · Apr 13, 2009, 07:08 PM

Can someone please explain what happened to me when my boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago?.

I am 22 with 2 kids. He is 20 with no kids.

I was dating this guy for a year and a half, and it was wonderful the whole time. We started as friends, and when we first got together, I decided to keep things light and easy (I had ended my previous relationship because I was lied to, beat up, put down, etc... ) because I wasn't ready to get serious. One day he told me he was going to move to NYC to live with his dad and try to build a relationship with him. I was devastated but I told him to go. It was a wonderful opportunity and I didn't want him to resent me later if I asked him to stay. After I told him to go for it he got upset and said that I didn't want him. I explained to him how I felt and he told me he wasn't going. That I was reason enough to stay. We continued along with our relationship and right before Christmas, he told me he loved me. I told him that I loved him too and all throughout our relationship he treated me extremely well. He told me that I was the most beautiful, perfect, caring person he would ever know. He couldn't ask for a better girlfriend. This guy was jealous, insecure, and sometimes aloof, but I loved him with all his faults. He would tell me about how we would be together forever, married, have a little blonde girl, the whole nine yards. Regardless of how I tried to keep things light between us (I even kept him and my kids apart until we were together for almost a year), I fell in love with him. Hard. And he did the same. He never failed to let me know how much he loved me.

Then, about two weeks ago, he started to quit being lovey-dovey with me. He would "forget" to call me... It felt like he was ignoring me. Well, I told him I wanted to talk to him about it. A couple days go by and he still hadn't managed to talk to me, so I went to his house one day before he had to go to work. He told me he had to go, and that he would talk to me later that night. He came over and told me he couldn't handle the fact that I had kids. Especially because they are my ex's kids (He HATES my ex for what he did to me). He said every time he looked at my kids he seen my ex's face, and that he could never love them, but he still loves me more than anything. He told me we would be perfect if I didn't have kids, but I'm the best mother he's ever seen (even better than his mother). I told him I didn't know what to say or do about it, but if he wasn't happy that I didn't want him to stay.

Why are my kids a problem a year and a half later? He didn't have a problem with them when we got together, or when he told me he loved me. He didn't have a problem telling ME how to parent them. IT HASN'T BEEN A PROBLEM THIS WHOLE TIME! How can he say he loves me (I believe him) but he can't handle my kids? He wants kids of his own! I don't understand. Was he lying to me this whole time? Is something else the problem? Now we are broken-up, but we work together, and anytime I get in his sight he just stares at me. The whole time he can see me, he's staring at me. I can't even look at him. I'm devastated. Can someone please help me understand what happened?

mudweiser · Apr 13, 2009, 07:13 PM

I have a feeling this guy used your kids as an excuse to get out of the relationship.

You yourself said he was jealous and insecure- these aren't very good qualities in a man. I really can't believe he had the audacity to say that "every time he looked at my kids he seen my ex's face, and that he could never love them". That all says a lot about his character.

I know breaking up is hard, especially after going through two tough break ups. Do you have support?

Question: after you and your previous ex broke it off how long did you wait till you started seeing this guy?

Sarah

liz28 · Apr 13, 2009, 07:27 PM

He lied to you because he is a liar and I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't accept my kids.

Like Mudweise said I really think that is just excuse to break up with you.

So when you see him at work you gather all the strength within you to hold your head up high and move on. You don't need him. He had too many unhealthy flaws anyway.

mudweiser · Apr 13, 2009, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

He lied to you because he is a liar and I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't accept my kids.
.

Agreed. You wouldn't want to be with someone that treats your kids like second class citizens. Now that your aware of his feelings towards your kids, who really knows what would go on behind your back [i.e. disrespecting your kids, yelling/cursing at them, belittling them, etc.].

Thank your luck stars this man left, he's no good.

Sarah

BROKENandLONELY · Apr 13, 2009, 07:45 PM

I forgot to mention a few things:

He has also told me that if my ex was out of the picture, he would be the one to teach my kids everything a father is supposed to. His mother and I used to friends (we worked together for awhile) but when we got together, she immediately started to hate me because I have kids, and his sister feels the same way. They didn't want me to "ruin his clean slate". I don't understand this because their family is made up the same way (one mom, two dads). He has taken care of me when I had oral surgery, bought me expensive gifts, he was even the first guy to ever buy me flowers (he knew this). I've never asked to borrow money (he has several times), and I'm always the one to pay the way. We've taken numerous trips out of town together. Everything he has said and done up to this point has led me to believe that we were going to be together forever. I'm confused and heartbroken to the point that I can't eat or sleep. What happened to the man I loved?

JoeCanada76 · Apr 13, 2009, 07:49 PM

It sounds like he has pressure from his family to leave you alone but that is no excuse. He has used your kids as way to say he can not be involved. It is really fishy that all of a sudden it becomes an issue.

Take the advice of others on this thread. You need somebody that will not be influenced by his family. That will not use excuses and is excepting of your kids at all times. If he truly loved you all, he would try to be a good father figure to your kids whether your ex was still involved in the parenting or not.

liz28 · Apr 13, 2009, 07:54 PM

Your ex is your kids father no matter what happen between the two of you. He can't expect you to just stop that fact because for the time being he wants to be their father. What would've happen if he would have just up and left you like he did now? Would he had continue to step up and play the role of your kids dad then? No!

Asking to borrow money from someone knowing they have 2 kids, while he has none, speaks volume of his character. I guess in his mind it was okay since you kindly handed it over to him.

This is just one more reason to add to your "be happy that he is out of your life" list.

mudweiser · Apr 13, 2009, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by BROKENandLONELY

He has also told me that if my ex was out of the picture, he would be the one to teach my kids everything a father is supposed to.

If that's not a red flag I don't know what is. Your ex is your children's father- he needs to be in their life [assuming he's not a physical abuser, murderer or generally toxic].

His mother and I used to friends (we worked together for awhile) but when we got together, she immediately started to hate me because I have kids, and his sister feels the same way. They didn't want me to "ruin his clean slate".

I agree with Jesushelper on this one; he may be feeling quite some pressure from his family. However it is not an excuse; he is a grown adult and is able to make his own decisions.

I'm confused and heartbroken to the point that I can't eat or sleep. What happened to the man I loved?

You know the saying "You don't know someone until their claws come out" well here are his "claws". He's jealous, controlling, insecure and maybe has no mind of his own [goes alone with what his family says]. You do need to focus on your children and yourself.
Starving yourself and sleep deprivation will not improve the situation [I bet he's sleeping soundly and you're the one suffering- imagine that!].

AMHD is here for support,
Sarah

BROKENandLONELY · Apr 13, 2009, 08:07 PM

I'm trying. Whenever we are at work, I hold my head up high, and continue on as normal. But It's really killing me inside. He knew I had kids BEFORE we even thought about getting together. He's really insecure, because he's been cheated on before. I understand that, because I've been there more times than I care to say (he knows all about my past). At times, I'm the same way. What I don't understand is...
1.)if he doesn't like kids, why would he get with me to begin with? And why would he tell me how to parent?
2.)if he even had a doubt, why would he tell me that he loves me? I was trying to keep the relationship light...
And 3.)now that we are broke up, why is he always staring at me when we're at work? Sometimes he even seems mad that I don't look at him.

Jake2008 · Apr 13, 2009, 08:08 PM

It is far better to know, now, that he cannot accept your children, than a few years down the road when the kids have accepted them as a father figure in their lives.

In a way, IF that truly was the reason (and I've known men to dump women who have children), you are far better off without him.

A single woman with children is a package deal. A man worth his salt realizes that he's getting three for the price of one, and he is a very, very lucky man. He either has enough love for three, or none at all. You cannot love only one part of the family, it has to be everybody.

Love is what you can give to someone, how you treat them. Love is unselfish, and love is accepting you for who you are, including the fact that you are a good mother with two kids.

You don't need a man, for whatever reason, who cannot accept and love you and your children.

The kids have to come first, and they are far better off without a pretend dad. You can do much better for yourself, and them.

BROKENandLONELY · Apr 13, 2009, 08:13 PM

He hates my children's father with good reason. I hate him more than words can describe. He's been in and out of jail, as well as my kid's life the whole time. He's NEVER paid a dime of child support, he's lived off me, hit me, kicked in my front door (after we broke up), and then tried to sue me for custody of the kids... if I could get rid of him I would.

cjcman · Apr 13, 2009, 08:14 PM

I think he was lying this time trying to see other moms treat their kids or he found another girl who he likes better. I really hope you find someone who isn't like that cause you sound like a nice and loving person. And this was coming from a 13 year old from Iowa. I had a girl friend and she started cheating on me.it doesn't feel good.so I know from experience how it feels having someone you love go away or break up with you.

mudweiser · Apr 13, 2009, 08:15 PM

Originally Posted by BROKENandLONELY

He hates my children's father with good reason. I hate him more than words can describe. He's been in and out of jail, as well as my kid's life the whole time. He's NEVER paid a dime of child support, he's lived off me, hit me, kicked in my front door (after we broke up), and then tried to sue me for custody of the kids... if I could get rid of him I would.

It's still no reason to dislike your children.

Sarah

BROKENandLONELY · Apr 13, 2009, 08:26 PM

I know that if that's how he truly feels then I am absolutely better off without him. My kids come before my own happiness. I just don't understand all the contridictions. He can tell me how to parent, but he can't accept my kids. He pushes this relationship into deeper territory, then he breaks it off. But it has nothing to do with love. He still loves me and always will. He breaks up with me, and now all he does is stare at me at work. What gives? Is he lying about his reason to break up with me? Or has he been lying the whole time?

liz28 · Apr 13, 2009, 08:27 PM

Okay, you and your kids father have a colorful past and I can understand his dislike towards him but regardless your ex is your kids father.

More than likely he wants you to break down and call him to beg and beg for him to get back with you. Since he see you are doing the opposite he is surprise. Surprise that you can actually go on and about your life without him.

Continue on with what your doing and pay no attention to his looks. I would force a smile and continue on working. You don't need him after all you survive everything your ex did so that makes you a survivor. Listen to Gloria Gaynor "I will survive" song.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 13, 2009, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by BROKENandLONELY

I know that if that's how he truly feels then I am absolutely better off without him. My kids come before my own happiness. I just don't understand all the contridictions. He can tell me how to parent, but he can't accept my kids. He pushes this relationship into deeper territory, then he breaks it off. But it has nothing to do with love. He still loves me and always will. He breaks up with me, and now all he does is stare at me at work. What gives? Is he lying about his reason to break up with me? Or has he been lying the whole time?

Everybody has given you insight into your problem. You know what we are not mind readers and we can not get into his head about all the reasons. You might have questions but honestly this questions do not matter now that your broken up. You need to except the fact that he has bowed out. You did get your answers from others, but did you here the answer? Do not need to ask the same questions again.

liz28 · Apr 13, 2009, 08:33 PM

Originally Posted by BROKENandLONELY

I know that if that's how he truly feels then I am absolutely better off without him. My kids come before my own happiness. I just don't understand all the contridictions. He can tell me how to parent, but he can't accept my kids. He pushes this relationship into deeper territory, then he breaks it off. But it has nothing to do with love. He still loves me and always will. He breaks up with me, and now all he does is stare at me at work. What gives? Is he lying about his reason to break up with me? Or has he been lying the whole time?

Trying to understand his reasons behind his action/words will only make you feel worse and fall deeper, deeper into the pit. Your not in his head and will never understand his reasons behind his actions no matter how hard you try. I can even give you reasons but it would only spark a guessing game.

So just continue on with your healing process and take each day a day at a time.

talaniman · Apr 13, 2009, 10:28 PM

Its really very simple, you have latched on to a very young guy, who isn't quite the man you think he is, and are just now finding out he has some growing to do. So do you to be honest.

Now that you know the truth, you must deal with it, and put him behind you, which will be hard since you have to see him at work. But you have two kids, that you must raise, and protect, so forget what he has said, as he probably mean't it, at the time, but is to young to know what to do about it.

One thing for sure, he doesn't want what you want, and has had second thoughts about his own future. You both may have fallen hard, but this will never work between you, as neither of you have the skills, or the experience to deal with each others issues.

Sorry dear, you really do have to learn to be single, and be happy enough with your own life, so you won't fall so hard for a young stranger who says what you want to hear, and think its love. Its not.