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6275567374 · Apr 10, 2009, 06:42 AM

I have a 7 year old little girl who has been raised by a man who is not her biological daughter since she was around 9 months old. She believes that he is her "real" dad and everyone has let her believe that since she was old enough to call him dad, (which she did on her own when she was around 3.) her biological father lives in the same part of town as we do, and he has 2 other children (one of which is a boy who is 4 months younger then my daughter, and is in the same grade and school district.) the choice was not mine, keeping her away from her biological father, he just never wanted anything from her. I wasn't going to force him. He has never had anything to do with her, since I was 5 months pregnant, except on the off chances that I ran into him (about 3 times) and he acted like he didn't know who either of us were... I do not want to hurt her at all, and I was wondering if she is too young to hear any of this, or if I don't tell her now, is she missing out on having siblings. I am at a loss at what to do, on how to tell her, and when to tell her, and if I should tell her. Help me please!!

CallMeBel · Apr 10, 2009, 07:12 AM

I think she should know.

I was only 1 when my mom divorced my Biological father. My mother got re-married when I was about 3. I called my step-dad my dad. She could have easily kept it from me that he wasn't my real dad. But she didn't. I would see him once and a while (he signed over his rights to my step dad through
Adoption).

All I know is I would be devastated if my mother waited until I was a teenager or older to tell me. I would have lost a lot of trust in her. I think she is at a good age to learn the truth. You don't have to be brutally honest with her.

With that being said, I think you need to contact her real father and let him know that you are going to tell her. It sounds like some odd circumstances. Have you ever gotten child support from him? Has he given up his rights to his daughter? Even if he says he doesn't want anything to do with her; what if in a few years he changes his mind and tries to fight you in custody? Just some things to think about.

Be truthful with her, she deserves to know. Don't keep it a secret and lose trust with her.

redhed35 · Apr 10, 2009, 08:08 AM

Hey,she's seven,she loves you and trusts you,its going to be hard to find the words to tell her the truth but if she finds out some other way,how you will explain it.. if she reaches those sticky teenage years and finds out then,expect fireworks!.

Reassure her,love her,she dos'ent need to know the gory details,once its out you will be able to answer her questions and give yourself peace of mind.

liz28 · Apr 10, 2009, 08:23 AM

I wouldn't tell her now, maybe later, but not now.

I could see if her biological father wanted to be part of her life but he doesn't. What happens if you tell her than she wants to form a relationship with her father but he shuts her down? This would damage her.

It's good that you have someone that is and have been there her. It's good that he stepped up to the plate while the othe guy simply walked away and never looked back.

Yes, I am should once you tell her later she might be upset. But once the smoke clear she will understand. Right now this guy is he dad even though he didn't donate the sperm to make her but the other guy was just a sperm donor he just take care of what he create. There isn't too many of these guys around.

Justwantfair · Apr 10, 2009, 08:27 AM

I think younger children are more resilent to the hard truths about life.

In my opinion, I think telling her sooner, would be easier. She probably isn't going to request at this age to meet her father. If you wait to tell her when she is older, she will be angry and hurt that the people she grew up loving and trusting were hiding this truth from her.

Telling her now would give her time to adjust and not decide anything rash, as opposed to when you tell her and she is a teenager.

JudyKayTee · Apr 10, 2009, 09:06 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I think younger children are more resilent to the hard truths about life.

IMHO, I think telling her sooner, would be easier. She probably isn't going to request at this age to meet her father. If you wait to tell her when she is older, she will be angry and hurt that the people she grew up loving and trusting were hiding this truth from her.

Telling her now would give her time to adjust and not decide anything rash, as opposed to when you tell her and she is a teenager.

Out of greenies for you - but if you lie to the child now about something this important how is she ever to trust you to tell the truth about anything?

Allcheercoach · May 14, 2009, 04:02 PM

Cheese and rice! I am going through the Same thing. Although my daughters bio dad does not live near us. Now he wants to play a huge role in her life. She is 7 1/2 and he hasn't seen her since she was 3 months old. I have not told her yet but I have talked to her about families... trying to feel her and see what her thinking is. I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions and experiences with the matter!

JudyKayTee · May 14, 2009, 04:29 PM

This should be on its own thread.

I don't understand whether she doesn't know her father wants contact with her or if she doesn't know who her father is, she thinks someone else is her father.

jenniepepsi · May 14, 2009, 06:00 PM

Its better to be honest with your child. No matter what age. My daughter is 5 and has known since she was 4 that her 'daddy' is her 'new' daddy and she had a 'father' before her 'daddy' but he left a long time ago.

(thats as simple as I could put it for a 4 year old haha)

At 7 years old you would be surprised how understanding they can be. And very accepting and kids are very adaptable. They become much less so as they get older. As she gets older and older she will be more and more set in her ways and a sudden revelation of a father from a long forgotten past when she is older is only going to make her angry.

Also as a side note, I hope that isn't your phone number you have for a screen name!

Allcheercoach · May 14, 2009, 11:28 PM

I don't think, or at least for me... it is not a matter of telling her or not. It is how and the what if's. I have been talking about family with her lately to try and get in her head so that I will have a better understanding of how to approach this. And to answer the previous question, she has no knowledge of her bio dad.

Squiffy78 · May 16, 2009, 04:49 AM

My partner has two children whom he has raised as their dad, with his ex wife (they have been divroced for ten years, and these two boys are now 7 and 9, she had them both after they divorced, by men who weren't around, one had done a runner and one had died shortly before the boy was born, and since they already had 3 kids together, he took on the dad role for these two also!) Both of them are also autistic. Last year at a dr appointment one of them overheard the consultant asking about biological fathers, and he asked what it all meant, so they told both the boys, who were then aged 6 and 8, that their dad wasn't their real dad, and told them about their real dads (in as nice a way as possible) and they both accepted it fine. They both came up to me separatly a few days kater and said dad isn't our real dad, but he is our daddy really. Kids are not daft, they can understand a lot, and its always better to be honest than not, Explain to your daughter that her real dad wasn't ready to be her dad when she was born, and he may not be ready yet, but that this man is out there and let her help decide what to do. That's what I would do.

vickshultz · Jul 12, 2010, 09:32 PM

I am in the same situation, My daughter's (age 2 & 6) does not know that my husband is not there real dad, I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, but I am going to wait until they are old enough to really understand what is going on, they don't need to worry them self's about her biological, that do not care about them! Why have them grow up with disappointment and broken hearts at young ages? Don't tell her until she is older! I'd move and get her out of that school!