Check out some similar questions!

Stressed Mom · Apr 9, 2009, 03:21 PM

I seriously need some advice. I have tried everything to get through to my son, but nothing works. I've tried grounding, positive reinforcement, coaching, reading Dr. Leman books and tried his examples, changed my son's diet, added vitamins & DHA supplements to help with focus and energy, left him notes commenting on positive things he's done, etc, but nothing seems to get through to him. He is a freshman and currently failing almost all of his classes. He has had issues with grades since the fifth grade and we have talked to the school numerous times and he is now is an IAT program and supposed to meet with a teacher each day after school for 30 minutes. Which he told me he was doing and when I rec'd an email from the guidance counselor, he skipped going Wed - Fri and then continued to lie about it. It's spring break now and he has not had his cell phone, house phone, or been able to go anywhere. I thought this would make a difference, but his outlook is that there is no way he could improve his grades at this point. I did tell him that with an attitude like that he wouldn't and if he would give it 100%, by doing his homework and turning it in and studying for tests, that he could pass each class for this nine weeks, but I think he's convinced himself nothing will work.

I honestly don't know what to do and I'm so emotionally exhausted from the continual struggle that I've had with this. It's also really starting to put a lot of stress on my marriage, which has it's own issues. I told my husband this morning that he needs to start helping out with this, because I am exhausted, which I hope he does, but he doesn't seem to address these sort of things very well. When he does, he yells and I can see my son just shut down and block everything out.

Has anyone experienced anything like this and what advice would you have. Any help would be greatly appreciated, it's either get help or run away from home(not really, I just don't know what to do and I pray every morning and every night and I've cried so much over this from the frustration of it all) Part of me thinks that the issues with my husband and I could be greatly improved if he would just take over the discipline and organization and monitoring of this whole situation.:confused:

twinkiedooter · Apr 9, 2009, 03:34 PM

Have you actually had a long heart to heart talk with your son about what's really going on with him in his life? He could be scared, mad, annoyed, who knows what goes on in someone's head unless they sit down and talk to another perosn about this. Yes, yelling, groundings don't work. Communication works. Please talk to him and listen to what he says. Just farming him out to other people for their evaluation is obviously not working.

Stressed Mom · Apr 9, 2009, 03:51 PM

Yes I have talked to him many times and actually, because of the Dr. Leman book, have cut back on my explaining and talking and tried to keep it short and sweet and to the point. I have always "explained" and "talked" way too much as far as my husband is concerned. I want my children to understand that I love them too much to allow him to sell himself short.

My son is quiet, a lot like me, around others and at times, when we were trying the extreme privilege revoking strategies, would withdraw quiet a bit. That has improved with some of the things in Dr. Lemans book, but he still seems to not think anything he does will help, or maybe it's just that he wants to sit back and just wait for it to happen. When I talk to him, he just says, I don't know what the problem is and it's really not going to make any difference if I try anyway...

mudweiser · Apr 9, 2009, 03:58 PM

Ahh grade 9. A fun yet scary year.

I hope my story can help you.

I remember when I was still in High School, I started with great grades, as weeks went on my grades dropped. I stopped paying attention in class, I didn't do my homework, I even skipped class. I thought I was being cool with my friends. My mom did everything, I basically shrugged it off.

I remember my mom basically threatening me when she couldn't take it anymore- I just did worse because I was so annoyed. I got so annoyed my "friends" suggested pot. I'm not saying your kid is going to be a pot head but well that's what I did. If you push too hard he'll just ignore you or find another way to rebel. I'm not saying let him do what he wants, but let him know that if he needs to aim for that diploma.

I remember my mom telling me if I didn't get my diploma I'd have to wash dishes, clean toilets and mop for the rest of my life and that was really a turn around for me, because every time I failed a class or she found out I skipped she made me clean the entire house for a whole weekend and she'd say "is this what you want to do for the rest of your life?"

Try that. It worked for me.

I did end up graduating High School [with the honors and at the top of my class].

Sometimes kids do stupid things. He may be just be doing the same thing I was.

Sarah

Stressed Mom · Apr 9, 2009, 04:11 PM

Boy Sarah, I sure hope so. I'm hoping it's just a phase. I have a 17 year old daughter, she went through her difficult phase in the seventh grade and is now a great and responsible young lady. I have asked her this, so I will ask you too, Is there anything I could do that may get through to him, or am I just trying too hard?

cahelper · Apr 9, 2009, 04:14 PM

If he has admitted that he feels that its to late to do any thing then he knows that there was/is a problem. If they feel its to late then we must try to show them its never to late other wise they will never try in life.
Find something he likes to do (enjoys doing it) try to encourage him in doing it then ask him what would happen if he gave up on doing this / Then after he gives you the answer i.e. of failing ask him is it to late to get back in on the game ? Explain that he may not win this time but there is always next time. (Failing is not a problem nor should we discourage our children not to fail. But giving up / dropping out is)

mudweiser · Apr 9, 2009, 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by Stressed Mom

Boy Sarah, I sure hope so. I'm hoping it's just a phase. I have a 17 year old daughter, she went through her difficult phase in the seventh grade and is now a great and responsible young lady. I have asked her this, so I will ask you too, Is there anything I could do that may get through to him, or am I just trying too hard?

Nah , your being a mom- it's okay to care, it's okay to want to see your child succeed!

Make smaller goals for him [baby steps mom]. If he's failing a class tell him to at least get a C+ to a B- , if he doesn't understand it get a tutor! There are plenty of smart High School seniors or College students that will do it for little or no cash [they can put this on a resume as volunteering]. If your in Canada go to: Free Classified Ads for Toronto, Ontario and post a free ad asking for a tutor for your son. If your in the USA go to: Kijiji USA Free Classifieds and post an ad there or just simply search tutor.

Like I said kids can be stupid. I gave my mom a hard time, it's just a part of growing up.

I certainly hope I can remember the advice I'm giving you when my 2 year old is 16.

Sarah

Fr_Chuck · Apr 9, 2009, 04:24 PM

I have seen private tutors making a very large difference

mudweiser · Apr 9, 2009, 04:28 PM

One question: How is his social life? What kind of friends does he have?

This definitely has an impact on grades.

Sarah

Jake2008 · Apr 10, 2009, 10:16 AM

You have done a good job mom, of covering all the basis. I can't think of a single thing you didn't try.

The only thing that worked with mine to get her through the 9th grade, was to hire a teacher who came into the house. She sat down at the kitchen table for an hour, twice a week, and brought her up to speed. She passed her tests, and got her grade 9.

It was covered her for me through the school board because she had a learning disability, and I didn't pay out of pocket for me.

Maybe try phoning the school and see if that might be available to you. If he is out of the environment at school, that is feeding the zerio interest in his classes and grades, that might make a difference.

When he starts to see some progress, it just might be enough to see him through to getting his courses in his own home.

talaniman · Apr 10, 2009, 10:58 AM

Just curious as to the relationship between your husband, and your son.

Most times kids act out to get attention, whether its good or bad.

nervey · Apr 23, 2009, 12:34 PM

Does your son play any instrumaments. My son has had trouble in school for years and right before he started 9th grade he took an interest in guitar so I got him one. Since then his grades have increased dramatically. The reason is that when a person learns an instrument both sides of the brain are stimulated and needed. I believe that it is statisticly known that acedemics get better when one is learning to play an intrumant.