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This is for divorcées about my Girlfriend who is going through divorce
Hello,
I am new to this site, so this question may be long because I am confused and hurt. My GF and I have been dating for over 1.5 years. She and I both were in long term relationships, me 5 years and her 9 and married for 4. The guy was abusive, controlling and just a jerk, and she had been unhappy since the birth of there child. On his 1st B-day I think she decided she had it, any time she would speak her mind he would threaten divorce. Well her and I started seeing each other. At first it was a rebound for me because I had been real unhappy for a while with my GF. I am sure it was probably a rebound for her too, I don't know. She fell real reasl hard for me. Again she had a 1 year old and was separated from her ex for only a month at this point. OUr relationship ended up being filled with great conversation, sex, and companionship. This carried on for a while. We talked about how tough it would be to be with each other but was it worth it. Well we took a few days and both acame back and were like YES!. She was all over me, and wouldn't let me go!. I even felt smothered at times, but we talked and talked and we talked and were best friends. I really never felt this conncetion, and the same for her. I mean we could talk about anything and everything. After about 6 months she called me her soul mate... I felt the same, again this was mostly her coming on to me, I felt the same, but I did feel it was a bit much, and I was cautious in case I got hurt. Well 10 months goes by and she starts introducing me to her family and friends more. She was so happy when I meet them because her ex was a jerk to them all. She would send me emails stating she was proud and happy that I meet her family. Well I started getting closer to her son, and I started giving her more of my heart. I honestly fel that at 28 yrs old that she was perfect. She was the same age, she had some baggage, but she was like a best friend and she always wanted me around, and we both admitted the sex was amazing and plentiful. We went on vacation to her sisters destination wedding after a year of being together, and we had a good time. Right after the vacation things for the divorce started to take a crappy turn for her. Her ex was forcing her to declare bankruptcy even after he signed an agreement to pay all debts, he was jerking around with the alimony payments, her was supposed to keep the house that was in her name, but he told her that he wanted her to foreclose on it, and he moved in with a girl who had a child. At this point my GF's kid was over 2 yrs old, and she was nervous that this was going to confuse him. Well she spends all her money and energy on lawyers and trying to prevent this guy (who is a terrible parent) from taking her kid, because he didn't want to pay child support, and he wanted to hurt her, because he didn't like me. I have been in all the court paperwork for the past over 6 months and she has spent countless times defending me because he makes up lies about me, Him and I know the same people... Well when this started getting rough, I put my good guy cap on and I started to keep her afloat. She has family and a few friends, but I was there every day for her to talk to, to take her mind off it, to help her with groceries, I lent her money (she never asked me for anything) and I just continued to be there for her. Her family would thank me as would she and they all said I was her angel and keeping her head abvove water. She started getting more involved with my family, and we started to really mesh our lives together. She would lash out on me when things got tough, but would appologize, and NEVER ever want to break up. Our connection was not always there the past few months because things were so crappy for her all the time that all we talked about was her divorce. She was upset and this divorce and now custody battle was consumed her life. I would get the real her a few times a month, and I stuck it out because she would ALWAYS tell me she loved me, and when I got her and we connected it was great as usual. I know this was not the ideal situation and any other man would have given up and walked away, but we talked about how tough it would get and she would always say things like "please dont give up on me" or "I dont know what I would do without you". I wanted to fight this fight with her. Well She would call me EVERY morning, tet during the day, and call me right after work. This VAlentines day we had a good one at my house, we really connected, she gave me a card that said things like I was her true love and somehting to look forward to, etc. I know I rarely got that part of her, but when I did it was awesome. Again me her son and I were real close at this point. She called us a little family and we would do things like a family, and would be happy. She found out the ex got his new GF pregnant and flipped out, he got her pregnant and that is why he moved out of the house in with her, and made her declare bankruptcy etc. On top of that the fact that he barely takes care of hos responsibilities with his current son, and now he will be less in his kids life. So she was upset and ran away to her sisters for the weekend. She wouldn't even talk to me... She said she needed space, this was unlike her because she would always confide in me and talk things out no matter how upsetting. Well I didn't give her space that weekend. I bugged her, and I realize my faults. She got upset with me and when she came back I kept calling her, and she got upset, and broke up with me. I was heart broken. I have never did that ever in our relationship, and she felt smootheres and controlled llike her ex used to do. Well the past 5 weeks I have let her contact me, but I would do things like drop off gifts or gift cards to help her out, or flowers, etc. The harder I pushed the more she pushed me away with hurtful things like : I just don't seee a future with us right now" She admitted that she was confused and didn't know what she wanted, but she would contact me every day. She said she wanted to only be friends right now that she couldn't deal with drama or stress of us right now? Our conversations would be her getting mad because she didn't want to have a relatioship talk, and she would threaten to separate all of our stuff and to never talk to me again, I would beg no and a day or two later she would contact me to say hi or to ask my opinion, but not separate her stuff. She would bring her son over to visit a few times. The last time we got into it was Monday because I dropped off a gift card. She said thank you but I had to stop because I was confusing the both of us, and she kept pushing me and pushing me away. I see what I was doing, I wasn't giving her space, even though I didn't contact her doing noce thngs was hurting as well. Well she kept saying crappy things ot me, and things that I have never heard her say, hurtful things. This seemed like this wasn't her talking, it was weird, she wasn't even convincing when she would say all the crappy stuff to me. Like she was hurting me to push me away, or like her ex used to do to her? Her family told me it was because I was the closest person in her life and the safest person that she was lashing out. I am super confused after all I was doing was helping and constantly doing for her. Well I called her up Monday night and asked to pick up all my stuff and I would drop her stuff off. She called me later that night and said why couldn't we be friends or whatever, and that she was sad for the both of us, and disapointed and why did it get to this. I said she has been treating me with disrespect for the past few weeks, and she wanted to be my friend, but I was her door mat. Well I got my stuff the next night and I don't think she was ready to give it up. She was upset and we shared a tight hug. I stated that I wouldn't contact her at all ( we have not gone more than 2 days with no contact in 20 months) I said if she felt in her heart that she loved me to call me, I said that I loved her, but needed space like she asked and needed to get her stuff straight. She was teary when I left and hugged me tight and I left. Her sister texted me that she said she was sad and sorry for hurting me. Her sister explained that me giving her space and having no contact would fix this. I fell in lover with her and her son. I realize that things have not been perfect but I was great to them both and was always there to share times with her. She never wanted to ever break up with me. She always wanted ME around. We talked so much and she was getting real close with my mom (she was even over her house a few times the past couple weeks). I believe that she loved me and was in love with me mainly because she told her family and friends that and they would all tell me how lucky she was to have me. I feel hurt. I do realize that she is going through scary emotions and fear of losing her son, and the divorce about to be over, and the complete hatred of the ex. Will space fix this? Every one seems to think she will realize what she had with a few weeks of no contact. Its not like we had a crap relationship and things were bad they were just crazy because her divorce is coming to an end in another month after being dragged out because of the ex. Also She is scared of losing her son for some reason. She is a squeaky clean good mother and does the right thing always, so I don't understand. What do you all think... is this over or will some space and me not being there fix this. I have so much going for me, I own a house, a couple cars, I make good money, etc. I feel; like I am a good person, she is just pushing me away because I am the only thing in her life she can control. She has 2 cell phones, one under my account, and it is funny she gave me the gift cards back but not the cell phone, like that was the last attachment to me that she didn't want to give up... She didn't even offer to give it back, she doesn't need it... so I am not sure here... |
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I think right now she has a lot of issues to deal with. She didn't really get the chance to get some closure from her last relationship.. err marriage. She needs to deal with that first before jumping into a relationship with you or anyone else.
Space would be a good thing. If anything be a good friend, support her [not financially speaking]. She needs to find her way. As for her son, truth is he's not your child- and it would be very confusing for him to think of you as a father figure and if all of the sudden this woman decides to completely cut you off it'll be heartbreaking for her son. I suggest keeping your distance, but maintain that friendship-like bond when you do see him. Don't make promises to him either [i.e. next weekend I'll take you to the toy store]. AMHD is here for support. Sarah |
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Yes I agree, It all just seems kind of sudden you know? It is funny how the threats from her about separating our stuff, but when I said OK she was sad, and why is she holding onto my cellphone? And what if she comes back to me in a few weeks? I know this will be tough, but if I stick it out will I look good in the end? Or am I wasting my time? I believed that she loved me and we talked about this happening one day, I just think she can't control her emotions...
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 Originally Posted by Niceguy2009
I'm just coming out of a 4+ year relationship/marriage. I'm pretty vulnerable right now. I'm sure that if I met a guy who was like you I'd fall for it. She was vunerable, she still is. She's in a mess of emotions and has a new found independence, it's scary. Like I said the best thing to do is be her friend, a support system. I don't know if you'll work out in the future [you might, you might not]. Talk to her and let her know that you want to end the relationship because you feel she isn't ready for one and you want to still be there for her, as a friend. Be honest, but overall please remember if you do stay in this relationship, it is a rebound, it'll only prolong her "recovery" and ultimately dirty your relationship- and chances are things will end sour. Sarah |
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Originally Posted by mudweiser
Will she miss me? Will she miss what we had if I don't contact her? I am so cinfused by it all, yet I do understand what you are saying to a point... If I didn't smother her 5 weeks ago, and look controlling like the ex (for that 1 weekend) I wouldn't even be in here, we would be fine, however I still would have had to respect her space... She can heve this relationship with me, with space right? I just don't want to look like the good guy/fool, because if I saw her with another man I cannot handle that. I know she is not ready to date and will not for a while probably, but I can't imagine her not missing me? |
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Originally Posted by Niceguy2009
I do not doubt that this is a rebound, or was a rebound, but over 1.5 years went by, and who says rebound can't work?
And why would Valentines day she be giving me these romantic card etc?
Will she miss me? Will she miss what we had if I don't contact her? I am so cinfused by it all, yet I do understand what you are saying to a point... If I didn't smother her 5 weeks ago, and look controlling like the ex (for that 1 weekend) I wouldn't even be in here, we would be fine, however I still would have had to respect her space... She can heve this relationship with me, with space right? I just don't want to look like the good guy/fool, because if I saw her with another man I cannot handle that. I know she is not ready to date and will not for a while probably, but I can't imagine her not missing me?
Here is a link to a thread that may help you: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rk-173799.html Sarah |
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Originally Posted by mudweiser
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Originally Posted by mudweiser
He was controlling and I was controlling that weekend, and that weekend only and that is when she snapped... So you are telling me that there is no space or anything that can fix this? Why would you not want a guy like myself? And why would she bring our families into it by being around for xmas and exchanging gifts and still hanging out with my mother to this day? Weird>>? I know she is hurt by the ex, I do know because he is dragging her through the mud, but when you have a shoulder to lean on then why would you not want it to work? |
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Originally Posted by Niceguy2009
So you are telling me that there is no space or anything that can fix this? Why would you not want a guy like myself? And why would she bring our families into it by being around for xmas and exchanging gifts and still hanging out with my mother to this day? Weird>>? I know she is hurt by the ex, I do know because he is dragging her through the mud, but when you have a shoulder to lean on then why would you not want it to work?
Give it a year. Break up for a whole entire year- if you both still feel the same after a year then resume the relationship, but proceed with caution! Sarah |
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Here is something to read: Some people embark on rebound relationships, as they can't release the past until they are put through the process of trying to build a new intimacy with someone else. Blocked or repressed emotions that were not expressed towards the ex partner may now be "acted out" on the new partner. The new partner offers them a comfort and an emotional security that makes it easy to act out anger and other toxic emotions that could not, for reasons of emotional inaccessibility, be acted out on the former partner. Emotional issues and needs that were not brought out during the divorce or split will often rise to the surface and affect the new rebound relationship. As one or the other or both partners in the rebound relationship work out these issues, usually a process of emotional transformation occurs that frees the grief-stricken individual from the past. As the person is healed, they have no more need for their rebound relationship. The partner in the rebound relationship can't grow, as it was only there to provide temporary emotional support and allay grief and pain. Rebound relationships don't have long term potential simply because the needy person will have embarked on a process of emotional recovery. Relationship counselors recommended that a widowed or divorced individual should wait about a year before they begin looking for another committed relationship. This gives you the time to work through the shock, anger and despair that probably accompanied your loss. Before embarking on another relationship, it is important for you to do some soul searching and make sure that you are actually ready for another commitment. If you were the perpetrator in the split some serious self-examination might reveal that your real goal is to work on some other area of your life such as your creative side or career. It can also prevent you from initiating a long-term pattern of going from one chaotic emotional situation to another in the future. Many people have a series of bad relationships, not because they are a perpetual victim or have bad luck, but because they have not taken the time out that they need to ground themselves and heal. In some cases, an individual can rebound several times on ONE relationship simply because they are looking for a substitute for their previous partner as opposed to a relationship that will work. One sure sign that you are about to enter a rebound relationship is if the new partner seems somehow "familiar" to you. Another indicator that the relationship is rebound in its nature is if you see your new partner as somehow rescuing you from the last situation. You might think this because the new partner might be encouraging you to see him or her in this light so that they can feel powerful. Helping others or being an emotional "rescuer" is one way that emotionally injured individuals can boost their self-esteem. Rather than look at a split or divorce as a loss, you are well advised to look at the glass as half-full. This is the time to take stock of your life as well as an honest accounting for your responsibility in the debacle (no matter how much you think your partner is to blame). This will help free you from the kind of desperation that leads so many into a rebound relationship that also ends in disaster. Taken from: Rebound Relationships | Dating for Beginners Sarah |
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Originally Posted by mudweiser
Why did she baulk when I said I needed a month space at least from her, and she wanted to remain friends for now, but I could not. And why contact my mom? And why not give me back my phone? A lot of unanswered questions, that me walking away from her will answer. SHe will either be happier without me... (cant imagine that) or run back to me in a feww weeks... Again I am not being naïve I am just not understanding all of this time that she has invested into us |
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Originally Posted by Niceguy2009
There is no time limit or average time of healing, everyone heals differenty. However there is a standard year put there because it takes a while to get your sh-- together, emotionally, financially, etc. If your relationship strong enough to be able to withstand some time apart. That question will be answered only in time. Sarah |
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You seem like a really sweet guy, which I think you know judging by your name, Niceguy2009, but why are you putting up with all this drama? Surely she's not the only woman out there for you. And you can't be enjoying this. In the gay world we have a way of looking at dating that I think applies in the straight world as well, and for that reason in your case. I had a guy tell me this once and I think it is good advice: When you go out with a guy, contrary to what everyone thinks, it's NOT about him but it's all about YOU. Never mind what's going on in HIS mind, think about how YOU are feeling at the moment. Does this guy make you happy, feel good about yourself, uplift you, or is he full of drama and tedious? If the answer is he's full of drama and tedious, forget him. Move on. When I go out with a guy that's always how I analyze it. And it works. So, in your case, this woman is not making you happy. She's sending mixed signals: you're up with her, then down. You're being dragged into her personal problems with the ex and the divorce and her kid and it's driving you nuts, and causing you to seek out help on boards like this. So yeah, give her space--a lot of it. In fact, give up on her at least until she gets it together. You can always give her another chance when she gets her act together. You don't need her problems or her drama. By the way, don't you think your question belongs on the relationship board, not the divorce board? |
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Originally Posted by mudweiser
But why won't she let me go? Why was she upset when she wanted to remain friends and I said I wanted no contact with her? And she didn't want to give me my stuff back? Why was she was trying to hold onto me? All our friends and family said the same thing that they believe given a couple weeks of no contact with her, that she will actually begin to miss me and start calling me. I left the door open for her, but I said that I would not contact her. What do you think? |
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Originally Posted by Niceguy2009
I think you should let her go. It's like stepping into quicksand with her. You are going to regret it later on, mark my words! This is not someone you want to get involved with. She's going to be dealing with her ex for the rest of her life; they have a kid together don't forget! This drama is NOT going to end with the divorce, I will guarantee it. You shouldn't walk away from this relationship, you should run. |
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Ok I am sorry, I am just hurt here. I have given her everything, and she gave me back her beautiful life to share, and I am attached to her and her son. How am I supposed to deal with it if she dates other men? Or is that not even a factor here, she probably just wants time alone.. but if another guy is in the picture I am 100% out because I won't be able to handle it... |
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Originally Posted by Niceguy2009
Sarah |
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