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peanut_oil · Apr 7, 2009, 12:31 PM

A recently divorced grad student moved into my building recently. He is about ten years older, working on his PHD, is a university instructor, well-traveled, very handsome, funny and honest. Within the first few days of knowing each other we became very mutually attracted to each other and ended up fooling around in his bed all night. (Not having sex) He told me that he told me quite frankly that he doesn't want a relationship because he just got divorced and needs time to rediscover himself. He also told me that he finds me very attractive and that it is up to me whether a want a casual fling with him, or even if I want to sleep with him. He would like to fool around with me with no strings attached. He told me the possibility of a relationship is slim to none, at least in the near future. As for me, I am also not necessarily looking for a relationship in the present moment, but it is something I would like in the future. As for him, he goes to Peru every year for 4 months in the middle of the jungle without contacts and wouldn't be able to contact anyone anyway even if he was in a relationship, which he says, isn't fair. I appreciate the honesty he is giving me in this situation, and as for me, I am not looking for anything serious, but it would be nice to know that the possibility is there. I mean, I never like to close a door. But because he is recently divorced after being married for 7 years, he seems to be in a position where he just wants to be single for a while, which is understandable... I guess I am wondering how to deal with a casual relationship, especially since I really like to guy. I would love any time I spend with him, but at the same time am apprehensive about eventually getting hurt, by bringing some kind of expectation into it. Which I hope not to, but again, I really like him. He told me that I shouldn't get attached to him, and that he doesn't want to give me any wrong signals. So basically, I don't know exactly what to do. I want him, I know he won't be in a relationship with me, but I still want him... So I don't know how to deal with this one. Should I have a casual relationship with someone recently divorced and am I setting myself up for a lot of pain? Is it worth it?

mudweiser · Apr 7, 2009, 12:33 PM

If you both had made it a mutual decision to remain casual then I see no problem.

However, I see you do want a relationship and well clearly he's not ready for yet another relationship [and told you flat out]. I think the best thing to do here is to nip the "relationship" to the bud and look for someone else that does wants the same things as you do.

MRS.S

Justwantfair · Apr 7, 2009, 12:35 PM

Best solution, no casual relationship.

He needs to discover himself and a casual relationship with you doesn't benefit him rediscovering himself and puts you in a position to be a rebound.

By not having a casual relationship with him you are also offering him the encouragement for being ready for a relationship sooner, rather than enabling him to have the "free milk" scenerio he is looking for.

Cut ties for the time being as it will be difficult to avoid the mutual attraction and the best thing for you is not a casual relationship with this person.

I wish · Apr 7, 2009, 12:42 PM

I was going to go with Justwantfair's advice, but you keep telling us that you want a casual relationship too. Otherwise, it's best to leave him alone so that he can recover from his breakup.

However, since you seem to want to start something with this guy, my impression is that you are setting up yourself to be hurt. Like you said, he's being very honest with you that he's not looking for anything serious anytime soon. So if you plan to have something casual with him, you should not go in with the intention of it becoming serious.

liz28 · Apr 7, 2009, 01:47 PM

I see you getting attach to this guy because you already have feelings for him. You probably is thinking "he is saying that now but maybe his mind will change"--No.

I realize once a person makes his intentions clear, most likely it would change. He is being very precise with you and he knows what he want and doesn't. And he already warned you that your starting to get clingy, which isn't a good sign. So can you image how your going act once the two of you become sexual? Then another negative is that he lives in your building.

This is just a disaster in the making. Don't do it and find someone that is single and wants what you want. There have to be more single well-traveled, very handsome, funny and honest guys in your area. Time to get out and mingle.

artlady · Apr 7, 2009, 01:54 PM

If you go into this with both eyes open and think you can have a casual affair,then go for it.
Just be realistic in your expectations so you won't get hurt.

JudyKayTee · Apr 8, 2009, 07:00 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

If you both had made it a mutual decision to remain casual then I see no problem.

However, I see you do want a relationship and well clearly he's not ready for yet another relationship [and told you flat out]. I think the best thing to do here is to nip the "relationship" to the bud and look for someone else that does wants the same things as you do.

MRS.S

I have said this before - when a man says, "I don't love you." "I will never marry again." "I don't want children."

BELIEVE HIM!

talaniman · Apr 8, 2009, 07:05 AM

Are you crazy?? He wants sex, and a good time, and that's it. If you want to be his booty call, fine. But don't be stupid, and get attached.

Date others, and let him use somebody else's body to get his rocks off with.

If you can't handle your attractions to guys in a more positive way for yourself, your in deep do-do, already.

Casual relationship is friends, add sex, its friends, with benefits.

Put on a helmet please, your running into a brick wall, head first. That's not healthy, or smart and will hurt like heck.

88sunflower · Apr 8, 2009, 12:13 PM

Well first off an applause for him for being straight forward with you. I mean everyone seems to be negative towards him for wanting to keep it casual. But I think its great he was up front and honest with you. He could have not said a word just to get in your pants and then you would only be hurt in the end. If you can keep your head straight and keep it casual then go for it. But just remember he was honest and up front with you from the start. So don't set yourself up for a fall.

Justwantfair · Apr 8, 2009, 12:16 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Well first off an applause for him for being straight forward with you. I mean everyone seems to be negative towards him for wanting to keep it casual. But I think its great he was up front and honest with you. He could have not said a word just to get in your pants and then you would only be hurt in the end. If you can keep your head straight and keep it casual then go for it. But just remember he was honest and up front with you from the start. So dont set yourself up for a fall.

I am not negative towards him at all, nor did I believe that anyone else was. I think it is HIGHLY important that his words sink into her mind, because he is telling her exactly how he feels and it's the upfront and honest thing to do.

You can't go into a relationship looking to change it.

88sunflower · Apr 8, 2009, 12:36 PM

Talaniman;1653298, Are you crazy?? He wants sex, and a good time, and that's it. If you want to be his booty call, fine. But don't be stupid, and get attached.

Date others, and let him use somebody else's body to get his rocks off with.

I guess that came across unfair to him since he was honest with her.

liz28 · Apr 8, 2009, 12:49 PM

He was honest because he brought up the "casual relationship" idea to her. But all that means is "sex with no strings attach".However I don't think the OP can handle that since she always is developing feelings for him.She would be doing it for all the wrong reasons while his intentions are perfectly clear.You couldn't be more crystal clearer than he is.

88sunflower · Apr 8, 2009, 01:07 PM

Exactly

kp2171 · Apr 8, 2009, 01:14 PM

Time to be grateful.

I think you are faced with a man who knows his position and is actually willing to speak the truth.

Most of the time, after a crash and burn, I wanted to speak the truth but didn't know left from right.

I think this guy is talking straight up. I think he has more than half a clue about where his head is.

Id buy him a drink if I could. He is a better man than I've been many times in similar situations. He at least has a clue about where his mind is and what he can commit to.

Reality is good. He wants to live in reality. And reality for him means he is ready for distractions, diversion, but he isn't done mending.

Completely understandable.

So what do you do?

Well... while I can't tell you id its worth the leap of faith or whether some "fun time" with him is worth the noise that might come later, I can tell you that you know where you stand with this guy.

And you don't get to try to "save him"...

I had one big love that fell under the category of "casual relationship"... we both know it wouldn't likely last... bad timing. And it didn't..

But I had a helluva time for the two years we were together... and while it couldve ended better than it did, I don't regret that time one bit.

She was the best thing around at that time, we had a lot of great fun together, and that was that.

So...

This guy has a lot to work through. You can choose to be present. To play the relationship up or not. You just don't get to choose to chase him and then complain about it if he doesn't budge.

In time, perhaps he would be ready for more. Or not.

So... you choose what's right for you, in the context of this relationship as he has defined it.

He likes being with you. Wouldn't mind spending time with you. Is attracted to you. He isn't in any position to make any promises. He is likely going to have more highs and lows than a carnival rollercoaster.

Kudos to him for knowing himself well enough to state the truth.

Most of the time, most of us don't have half a clue about where our heart is versus our mind.

He isn't a saint, but he seems to be honest.

So believe what he says and go from there.

kelmom · Apr 8, 2009, 06:05 PM

Well in all honesty, the possibility is always there. Many great relationships start as casual flings.

The upside to this is that he is laying the cards out on the table all at once so you can make the best decision. In my eyes, that is respectable. He just got divorced, so more than likely jumping into another serious relationship at this point is not an option as it would feel as though he was jumping from the frying pan straight into the fire.

You need to decide if you are OK with a casual fling. Because, he told you directly how he felt. Most guys say what they mean and mean what they say. The fact is that no one knows how this will go down. But if you do decide to go into it, then you should go in knowing that this is for fun only and will probably not be anything serious.

If you try to have some hope, then you will only be setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

(((HUGS))))

artlady · Apr 11, 2009, 06:39 PM

Originally Posted by kp2171

time to be grateful.

i think you are faced with a man who knows his position and is actually willing to speak the truth.

most of the time, after a crash and burn, i wanted to speak the truth but didnt know left from right.

i think this guy is talking straight up. i think he has more than half a clue about where his head is.

id buy him a drink if i could. he is a better man than ive been many times in similar situations. he at least has a clue about where his mind is and what he can commit to.

reality is good. he wants to live in reality. and reality for him means he is ready for distractions, diversion, but he isnt done mending.

completely understandable.

so what do you do?

well... while i can't tell you id its worth the leap of faith or whether some "fun time" with him is worth the noise that might come later, i can tell you that you know where you stand with this guy.

and you dont get to try to "save him"...

i had one big love that fell under the category of "casual relationship"... we both know it wouldnt likely last... bad timing. and it didnt..

but i had a helluva time for the two years we were together... and while it couldve ended better than it did, i dont regret that time one bit.

she was the best thing around at that time, we had a lot of great fun together, and that was that.

so...

this guy has a lot to work through. you can choose to be present. to play the relationship up or not. you just dont get to choose to chase him and then complain about it if he doesnt budge.

in time, perhaps he would be ready for more. or not.

so... you choose whats right for you, in the context of this relationship as he has defined it.

he likes being with you. wouldnt mind spending time with you. is attracted to you. he isnt in any position to make any promises. he is likely going to have more highs and lows than a carnival rollercoaster.

kudos to him for knowing himself well enough to state the truth.

most of the time, most of us dont have half a clue about where our heart is versus our mind.

he isnt a saint, but he seems to be honest.

so believe what he says and go from there.

He isn't a saint but at least he is honest.you said it !