[Angrychair]

Hello,
Recently I found out that my wife is having an affair with a younger man.
When I say younger I mean young enough to be her son. It is obvious to me and the people that I talk to that this won't end well for her. Even after she has destroyed my children and my world I still care for her and don’t want to see her used and thrown to the side.
I have been married for 14 years and to say my marriage has been a truly happy one is a bit overstated, we have had our trials like any other couple, but as long as we were together I felt that there was nothing that we couldn’t overcome.

About 3 weeks ago after a lot of “gut instinct” and fact finding I finally found out she has been cheating on me with this 20ish man, I asked her what she wanted to do.
I asked her about a divorce and she says she doesn’t want one but at the same time she isn’t willing to give him up. I have given her an ultimatum if she won’t end the relation ship with him in 2 weeks that I would file for divorce.

In all reality I know she won’t give him up and I have heard rumors that she is looking to get a house right across the street from him and I’m OK with that, but what I’m not OK with is the fact that I know she will be taking my daughter around him and his lifestyle.

I have tried to talk to her and work this out but every time I approach her on this matter she gets mad and won’t tell me what she wants to do. I ask her what does she want, and I get I love you and I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to lose him either.
I realize I am being played but I can’t bare the thought of losing my daughter should I continue to put up with this and sacrifice my happiness for my kids well being or should I just boot her out and let the chips fall where they may. There is a lot more to this sorted tale and perhaps if relevant I will elaborate later. Any advice is welcomed

[Justwantfair]

Wow, you gave her two weeks, too long to end the relationship.

I wouldn't wait to find out what she wants to do, she should be begging for your forgiveness, not in charge of this.

Boot her out and file for divorce, let the chips fall where your attorney puts them.

[kp2171]

I asked her about a divorce and she says she doesn’t want one but at the same time she isn’t willing to give him up. I have given her an ultimatum if she won’t end the relation ship with him in 2 weeks that I would file for divorce.

So... I feel some real empathy.

I'm married 9+ years. Just found out my love has had an extended affair, 6 years, since before my son was born. I will always be his daddy, but he might not be mine via genetics. It runs so far back and so deep that I can't even remember much before the affair.

So... I'm living in some of the same place you are.

My partner and I have always had fairly "open" rules about our relationship... we each could flirt, spend time with other people of other sexes, just at the end of the day we pledged to sleep in only one bed. I held up my side for years. She deceived me for years.

So I have an issue with her (your wife) not giving him up. Really. Big time! Really??

She doesn't want a divorce and she doesn't want to give him up. That's convenient.

I've tried to live and love within the context of a covenant marriage, not a contractual marriage.

A contract states "if you do this, i will do that, and our partnership is useful as long as we both do this and that"...

A covenant marriage states "i will, i promise, i vow..." even when my partner fails. I vow to do certain things, and my word is my word.

We talked about boundaries and limits. We both push the envelope compared to many couples.. but if shed held up her side, wed have been lock in step together.

I just think I can do only all I can do to keep my word... something includes forgiveness and reconciliation. A covenant marriage doesn't mean no accountability. It does mean a willingness to suffer some for what you believe.

Obviously, this theory is being tested on a supreme level in my relationship. I can't tell you how its going to end.

If I leave it will be because I do not believe she can love me as I need to be loved... not because I love her less.

But, back to you situation, if my love said "im not giving him up" I would be done. Hurt, and done.

Then again, on at least one level, I'm being hypocritical. My lover silently pledged her body and mind to her lover in a notebook I just happened upon... so while my mates affair had physically ended and won't resume, she still is with him, in part. Willing to try to love me honestly, but a part of her belongs to him.

So... *sigh*

Guess I'm here to say I feel for you. Been there, am there, in some ways.

A refusal to leave him is unacceptable.

[Angrychair]

I am a private person so posting this is a huge step for me. I am seriously at my limits as this pain is so huge and won't stop. I don't think I am strong enough to survive this. My kids are the only thing that keeps me going if they are taken what's left for me?

[Justwantfair]

There isn't any reason your children should be taken from you, you have just as many rights to your children as she does.

Do you both work?

You can talk to a divorce attorney, just to find out what to expect once you file.

I sympathize with your pain, but there is just as much pain waiting for you in your relationship, begging for your wife's attention as there is leaving the relationship and standing on your own.

[Fr_Chuck]

So get an attorney, file for divorce, file for custody of the children and move on.

The two weeks only gives her the chance to get her ducks in a row first.

If you have joint checking or bank accounts, get the money out now, so you have money to use for legal fees.

[DoulaLC]

You'll have to decide if you would even be able to trust her again if she did come back. It can be done... relationships can be rebuilt, but only when both parties are completely committed to making it that way. It simply will not work if one partner has one foot out the door.

You can accept it that way, some people do, or you will have to go through the painful journey of separation and divorce. There is no easy way through it, I wish there were... but you will get through it, and you will be wiser on the other side.

If she is willing to work towards rebuilding, perhaps going through some counseling with you to determine the reason for it happening in the first place and arming yourselves with ways to avoid it from getting to that point again... you can regain a lasting and loving relationship. Both of you have to want it.

[artlady]

I can only imagine the pain you are feeling.
She is not willing to sacrifice her relationship for you and your family so it would seem that she is already gone to you.
You can't rebuild trust in the relationship if she isn't willing to end her affair.
Assuming your children will be taken away is yet to be proven.The mother does not always automatically get custody.
I would get a good lawyer and protect yourself from here on out.She may not be done with destroying you but you can do things to insure your property and your rights to your children are protected.

[Angrychair]

She has told me she knows what's right and she knows where she needs to be but she stops short at saying she will leave him. She is 40ish and I know its just a mid-life crisis.
It would be easier to accept if it was just sex but I know emotions are attached now. This kid has nothing to offer her outside of a wild life style and to be honest with the way the economy is at present I know she can't make it on her own. I think she is ready to bolt but is waiting for the right time. I have talked to a lawyer and because my state is a no fault state we would have 50/50 custody and split any assest acquired during the marriage. The bottom line is I love her and I can't imagine my life without her but I am a realist and know that if we decide to work it out, great strides need to be taken to regain the love and trust we both had.
She works with this guy so I know she will see him everyday, should I ask her to quit her job or insist on it. I believe in order for this to work all ties with him need to be severed. So far we have maintained a some what semi calm manner but it always comes back to her not wanting to discuss this. I feel that this may be the guilt part that she may be ashamed. Like I stated before this is so much more to this sorted tail and if this thread keeps going I will reveal more.

[Justwantfair]

I don't think you should explain an affair away as a mid-life crisis.

I admire your desire to work things out because you love her, but she has to step up to the plate and thus far she has not done that.

If she was willing, she would want to quit her job herself and cut all communications on her own and she hasn't even said that she leave him. You really need to do what is right for you, if she comes around, it shouldn't be because you begged her to. She has to want to. Fourteen years is a HUGE investment but she isn't making the effort and you can not do this or force this on your own.

[Angrychair]

Yeah it does seem like I am making all efforts, but this woman has been my world for so many years I just am trying everything I can think of to save this sinking boat. It may be that Im just polishing brass on the Titanic. Life sometimes pushes us in down paths that should have be taken long ago. Jesus 14 years is a long time to throw away

[artlady]

Believe me ,no one is trying to under mind the difficulty in severing a 14 yr.marriage.It is a huge change but the bottom line is she is simply not willing to give up her fun.

Have you asked yourself if you could truly rebuild what she has destroyed.She rocked the entire foundation of your marriage.

I get the impression you think she just needs to somehow get this all out of her system but I think that is wishful thinking.

She said she loves you,well clearly you do not share 14 yrs. And children without feeling love.The question is ,is she in love with you? It the feeling she has for you enough to rebuild your marriage,should she decide she made a mistake?

[Angrychair]

I have told her that anytime she wanted to leave she was free to go she could take what she wanted. She tells me that if I want to file for divorce to that she couldn't blame me if I did. It almost sounds like maybe she wants me to make the first move in ending it permantly but why, it makes no sense to me. Why wouldn't she just go to him and try to make it work. She knows if she leaves that our kids will want for nothing that they will be safe and well looked after. I may have been a crappy husband in her eyes, but Im an excellent father

[artlady]

I have told her that anytime she wanted to leave she was free to go she could take what she wanted. She tells me that if I want to file for divorce to go ahead and that she couldnt blame me if I did. It almost sounds like maybe she wants me to make the first move in ending it permantly but why, it makes no sense to me. Why wouldnt she just go to him and try to make it work. She knows if she leaves that our kids will want for nothing that they will be safe and well looked after. I may have been a crappy husband in her eyes, but Im an excellent father

Sadly,it seems she has made a choice and I don't see that she has left you with any alternatives.

You may have been a crappy husband(your words) but her action does not justify anything.
There are so many other roads she could have chosen to help the marriage ,but instead she chose to help herself and have no consideration for anyone,including her children.

I think it is time for you to move past the * I can't believe this* stage and begin to accept what seems to be the inevitable end of your marriage.Again,I do not say this lightly.

[Angrychair]

Alas my friend I think you are right I have been thinking about this long and hard and in all honesty I want it to work so bad with my heart but my head knows different.

[artlady]

Alas my friend I think you are right I have been thinking about this long and hard and in all honesty I want it to work so bad with my heart but my head knows different.

I am quite certain that along with shock and confusion,you will run the entire gamut of emotions before this ordeal begins to be something you can handle,instead of it handling you.
We are here to listen ,even if you just want to rant.

[Angrychair]

I have experienced all the emotions that this one person can handle. There are so many things that I want to say and do that my mine literally races when we are apart but when we are together I clam up because I don't want to risk making her angry and pushing her farther into his arms. I know I probably need to "Man-UP" but people who read this and say, "Id do this ", or "Id say that" really don't know unless they know my situation. Trust me this woman can be vindictive as all hell.
Sometimes its best to not poke the bear. I think by me telling he that I love her and I'll do whatever it takes to fix this, I am enabling her or giving he the power to control the situation instead of me taking control. I don't know what to do but I know that I can't share her anymore. If I keep this up I may be required to turn in my Man Card and get kicked out of the club lol

[Justwantfair]

I really feel for your situation.

Divorce is an emotional trying experience and you are currently being held in an emotional hostage state. Could you plan a getaway for yourself, help you gain some perspective?

It is easy to tell you what is best, imagine we are just your brain working without consideration to your heart. We can easily see the red flags and without any emotional attachment we clearly see the tragedy of your situation.

I think any encouragement that there is an easy fix, is a lie. I think that while you are committed to the fourteen years you have shared, your wife is not. If you recommended counseling would she go? That maybe one of the only options that may save your marriage. If she is not willing to put in the effort, you will be fighting a losing battle and giving up more of yourself with the passing time.

[talaniman]

While I feel for your situation, no way do you get to wallow in shock, and disbelief without taking some strong positive decisive actions for yourself and your kids.

That means get a lawyer and get her out of your life, so you can heal regroup, and do all the crying you want.

Handle the business first DAD!! Cry later.

Her actions are unacceptable, and she has to go! She can't choose, you must choose for her.

[DoulaLC]

If you don't feel ready for such a drastic step... and have the desire to give it every last possible chance, go for a separation for now. You both will have some time and space to step back and reevaluate the situation, your life together, your family, your needs, etc..