[artlady]

I have experienced all the emotions that this one person can handle. There are so many things that I want to say and do that my mine literally races when we are apart but when we are together I clam up because I dont want to risk making her angry and pushing her farther into his arms. I know I probably need to "Man-UP" but people who read this and say, "Id do this ", or "Id say that" really dont know unless they know my situation. Trust me this woman can be vindictive as all hell.
Sometimes its best to not poke the bear. I think by me telling he that I love her and I'll do whatever it takes to fix this, I am enabling her or giving he the power to control the situation instead of me taking control. I dont know what to do but I know that I can't share her anymore. If I keep this up I may be required to turn in my Man Card and get kicked out of the club lol

I always thought men were human first.
You are a man,just a very hurt one.

Don't beat yourself up my friend,just know that the time for grief has to be suspended while you do everything to protect yourself and your children,emotionally and financially.

[Jake2008]

I agree that there has to be some hard, physical consequence to her here. My gut feeling is that she is the one calling the shots with both you, and the boyfriend. When it suits her convenience, she will do what she wants to do. I would legally separate, and in so doing, at least draw a line in the sand.

She has made choices, and they do not include you, other than for convenience. She's made it quite clear, right down to buying a house across the street from her boyfriend, that her life is moving in a different direction, and that is a done deal.

Her saying she loves you are empty, meaningless words. What she is doing is not out of love for you. She is not even willing to talk, because she sees no reason to flog a dead horse. (meaning the marriage, not you).

You also have to consider here that this may not be the woman you thought she was. I suspect that the way you describe her as being vindictive, is also a woman who is controlling. You are likely the one who has kept the peace in the marriage until now. Just my opinion, but there must have been some sort of history leading up to this.

I don't think that her getting marriage counselling would do much good at this point. However, I do think that YOU should seek counselling with an impartial person who can help you work through all the confusion and fear.

There may never be answers to why she has done what she's done, but she has created this situation, and at least for now, you have to protect yourself by seeking legal council.

As others have said. Do the legwork now, cry later. You have to take care of yourself and your interests here.

[Angrychair]

My friends where have you been all of my life lol This is some of the most sound advice I have gotten yet. You can't imagine how much better I feel just discussing this with mature intelligent people who obviously care about their fellow man.

[Justwantfair]

Sometimes hearing the hard truths are just the incentives needed to getting off our behinds and wallowing in our own self-pity.

Keep us posted, there are a lot of helpful, intelligent, kind (yet sometimes firm) individuals on this site and the reason many of us never leave.

[Jake2008]

It's good to be able to express yourself, and I think it helps, at least with me, to get other perspectives from people who have no vested interest, other than they simply care.

I hope that as time goes on you'll post and keep us up to date.

Take good care of yourself in the meantime.

[artlady]

Its good to know you understand your not alone and many of us have been through similar situations. Some are going through them right now.

That's why we understand the pain but know that with a lot of work,the sun does come up again.

[Angrychair]

I forgot to mention that we did go to counseling but the affair never came up because I promised her that I wouldn't throw her under the bus so to speak. We have a session tomorrow but I doubt that it will do any good and the matter won't be raised by her Im sure

[Justwantfair]

You are giving your wife too much control.

The affair is a huge issue and she needs to face the bus.

You really let her off the hook too easily. This is not your fault.

[artlady]

I forgot to mention that we did go to counseling but the affair never came up because I promised her that I wouldnt throw her under the bus so to speak. We have a session tomorrow but I doubt that it will do any good and the matter wont be raised by her Im sure

I must say,going to therapy and not telling the whole truth is like throwing money out the window.

She even controlled what you said in therapy.

I say tomorrow you tell the entire story and get your moneys worth.

[Jake2008]

This is painting a real control picture here, by her. Wow.

I totally and completely agree, without a doubt, and no reservation whatsoever, that you should raise this issue. Upfront, honest, put those cards out on the table. You do not need her permision.

Keep it simple when you do get there. Try something like this.

"I feel the need to address an important issue here."

The counsellor cannot possibly get a total and complete assessment on what she's dealing with, until she knows all the issues.

It is double unfair to you that she managed to get you to agree not to raise the issue, and when you finally get to counselling to sort things out, the counsellor is not aware of it.

No good can come, and no healing will happen until everything is out on the table, and neither party is silenced through intimidation or control.

[artlady]

This is painting a real control picture here, by her. Wow.

I totally and completely agree, without a doubt, and no reservation whatsoever, that you should raise this issue. Upfront, honest, put those cards out on the table. You do not need her permision.

Keep it simple when you do get there. Try something like this.

"I feel the need to address an important issue here."

The counsellor cannot possibly get a total and complete assessment on what she's dealing with, until she knows all the issues.

It is double unfair to you that she managed to get you to agree not to raise the issue, and when you finally get to counselling to sort things out, the counsellor is not aware of it.

No good can come, and no healing will happen until everything is out on the table, and neither party is silenced through intimidation or control.

Can't rep you Jake but I could not agree more.
What an exercise in futility to go to therapy and not get any! I have the sneaking suspicion that anything she saw as a wrong on his part was brought to the table A.S.A.P.

[Jake2008]

I had to spread the rep with you and with justwant fair, but I agree also, with you two.

That's a good point about going to therapy, and not getting any.

I am waiting for him to get some satisfaction here, and I think he can do it. Angrychair, are you listening? :o

[Angrychair]

I promise I will keep you all posted on what happens here. At 130.00 bucks a session I am getting short changed lol

[Angrychair]

Oh yeah the first session was before I knew for sure she was cheating and it was all about how I never trusted here and how I acted like her father IMAGINE THAT. You aren't paranoid if they are out to get you lol

[Justwantfair]

Oh yeah the first session was before I knew for sure she was cheating and it was all about how I never trusted here and how I acted like her father IMAGINE THAT. You arent paranoid if they are out to get you lol

A guilty conscience was speaking volumes in that session.

[DoulaLC]

I forgot to mention that we did go to counseling but the affair never came up because I promised her that I wouldnt throw her under the bus so to speak. We have a session tomorrow but I doubt that it will do any good and the matter wont be raised by her Im sure

You need to raise the issue. What is the point of counseling if you aren't going to lay it all out there to sort through the ugly mess? It is painful, it is hard, it is gut wrenching, but you have to dig through all of that if you want to try to make peace on the other side of it. Otherwise it is just putting a bandaid on it and the wound will still fester.

[Angrychair]

OK here is the latest . We had agreed that when we got home from work that we would talk about this in great detail. As always I have to initiate the conversation and literally drag the info out of her, I swear to God at one point she actually tried to tell me what a good guy he is and how he had to grow up so fast. Am I an for telling he that I couldn't care less about him and that his hard life isn't her or my problem, at that point all I wanted to do was, well lets just say it deviates from my normal behavior. Again I told her its him or me and again I got no definite answer. I think most of you are correct when you say the end is near I just missed it. Counseling session is today during our lunch hour, Im taking bets she doesn't show, any takers?

[artlady]

OK here is the latest . We had agreed that when we got home from work that we would talk about this in great detail. As always I have to initiate the conversation and literally drag the info out of her, I swear to God at one point she actually tried to tell me what a good guy he is and how he had to grow up so fast. Am I an for telling he that I couldn't care less about him and that his hard life isn't her or my problem, at that point all I wanted to do was, well lets just say it deviates from my normal behavior. Again I told her its him or me and again I got no definite answer. I think most of you are correct when you say the end is near I just missed it. Counseling session is today during our lunch hour, Im taking bets she doesn't show, any takers?

If she doesn't show,good for you.It will give you the chance to vent your feelings without someone dictating your every move.
Perhaps you can actually get something for your $130.00.

I swear to God at one point she actually tried to tell me what a good guy he is and how he had to grow up so fast.

I can not believe the nerve of some people. I would have told her she should put her compassion toward the family she is ripping apart.

I think most of you are correct when you say the end is near I just missed it.

I think the end is here,not near. Protect your assets my friend, even if it means closing out your bank account.

It sounds like this woman will stop at nothing to achieve her aims and if the new guy has money problems,she may just decide to redirect your funds to him.

[Angrychair]

You my friend and Jake have been a God send and if any good has come from it it is the fact that caring people do exist.

[Angrychair]

I forgot Justwant as well God bless you all