[dazed_confused]

I have been with jack for almost 7 years. During that time we moved from New Jersey to North Carolina. We left because we were both caught up in bad lifestyles and wanted to start a new life. We both have great jobs now and 2 years ago bought a house togethor. We just got engaged last year in August. We also have a dog that we both adore.

The very beginning in North Carolina was very hard for me. Jack would stay out a lot and go to strip clubs. He was also using coke. I felt very alone at times but at other times felt great with him. I do love him with all my heart. Every time he said that he was going to get help or never go to the clubs again I would believe him. (I also must add that I did go with him a couple times in the very beginning but that was when our friends came down; I got totally turned off to see how much money he was spending there and I was starting to get jealous) He would spend all this money at the clubs but would complain about the cost of other things. I remember we got in a pretty big fight one time because I wanted a drink that came in a survenior glass that cost $9.00. It hurt my feelings because he wouldn't think twice about getting a $20.00 lap dance.

In addition to the problems above he has a pretty high stressed job. He would start yelling at me for calling him during the day. I did not call him ten times a day. He took it as me being too needy. I thought that I just wanted to talk to my man during the day and didn't see anything wrong with that. It's not like I was sitting home all day... I work... and pay half the mortgage. I also felt that because he was the boss in his division that he would talk to me like I was one of his workers. I am a women and have sensitivity I would tell him that I thought he was treating me like a boy and that I am a girl !

So after a lot of this going on I started to become very dis-connected mentenally and also physically. Jack was taking medication for stress that stopped his sex drive. I started to feel undesirable. We wouldn't have sex but he would be on the porn sites. Then thank god he stopped taking the medication. We finally started to inch our way back.

About 10 months ago we got into a very big fight so I left for the weekend and stayed with my boss and his wife for the weekend... when I got back he took me away for the weekend and proposed. He was acutally getting a little better with his anger and was starting to come home and was not slipping with the coke.

In jan of 2009 we went on vacation that I paid half of. We were there for 6 nights and he did coke 3 of those nights. My heart started to close up

I started to go onto Facebook when I got home from work... there I found michael... my love from when I was 17... he was the one I felt got away. I always thought of him through the years. We started talking on the phone and he told me that he always thought of me too. And when he was in iraq and they would be sitting around he would talk about me as is true love. Michael is on a milatray base with wife and son. They sleep in separate bedrooms. He decided to just get separated and let his wife and child stay in the house so he can continue to go to the school on base.

2 months ago I booked a flight home to New Jersey to visit my family... 2 days later michael told me that his aunt had died and he would be there too. When seen each other one night for 2 hours and pretty muched laughed like kids and stared at each other the whole time. We did kiss but didn't go past 1st base.

Well jack found out about it and freaked... called him and everything... then he started to calm down and wanted to work on the relationsship. Jack said that he takes responsibility because he know that he dis-connect but wanted me to know that although he didn't show it he always felt it. For like a week I was trying to work with him... we started cousiling and reading togethor. But I couldn't stop thinking about Michael.

I signed a month lease in a condo and broke it off with Jack. This past weekend Michael came down to visit me. We had sex. I felt this weekend that I was in love with him. But I still can't help having feelings for John. I can't just shut off caring for someone.

Michael is an amazing person. He is a sgt in the army. While in iraq he started a burn clinic for the chirlden . Because of the rules of emgagment all of the supplies were donated and the soldiers at the clinic were volenteer. And besides that he is so calm and treats me so good. He looks at me like I am the only women on this planet. When we made love it was like nothing I ever experienced before. I feel a calm in my soul.

Last night jack ask that I come to the house and help him get the house ready for the apprasier. I don't know why I did this but I told him that Michael and I had sex. He is devistated... I just feel that I really got myself into a pickle...

Jack is telling me that Michael is a liar and that no one can love me as much as him. Jack wants me to go to counsiling with him today at 4 and says that I have issues. That I keep running away and the counsiler says it goes back to child-hood. I was feeling strong for a little bit but see some truth in that statement. I am feeling very bad. Am I letting Jack suck me back in again? Or does he really love me. :eek:

[starlite1]

Hi Dazed,

Welcome to AMHD! I read your post and would like to offer my advise. From what I've read, it sounds like Jack needs to grow up, plain and simple. I know you love him, but between the drugs and his stress that he takes out on you (when not taking his meds) it's not fair to you. Where on the other hand, Michael seems like he has his head on straight. But, if Michael didn't come back into the picture, would you still want to try and make things work with Jack, or would you eventually leave. I know you have feelings for Michael as well, but it seems like he is the catalyst for you leaving Jack. Also, Michael just got out of a marriage, so he is I am sure still not ready to commit even though he thinks he does. Personally, I would move out on your own, and not be with either of them right now. You need to sort out your head and your heart and really find what it is that you need. After some time alone has passed, you can then perhaps decide if you want Jack or Michael, or someone new. Its never a good idea to jump from one relationship into another without giving yourself some time to think.

[Wondergirl]

move out on your own, and not be with either of them right now. You need to sort out your head and your heart and really find what it is that you need. After some time alone has passed, you can then perhaps decide

I totally agree. You need time and space away from both of them, even to a no-contact situation. Get yourself together first and figure out what (not just who) you want out of life. Michael is still married with a family that he will be messing up if he gets a divorce. How he manages to keep his family happy even with a divorce (and if he even gets a divorce) will tell you a lot about him.

My advice is wait--be on your own for a while.

[dazed_confused]

Thanks starlite... I was wanting to leave Jack for awhile... and I know now that I should have communicated it better. I should have sat him down and said " I am thinking of leaving" Now I feel that despite all the wrong he did... I cheated on him and Now I did the worst of it.

[liz28]

Jack has issues, serious issues. His drug habit isn't good and he needs to get help for that but must want it.

It seems like he propose to you out of guilt but I not saying he doesn't have any feelings towards you. But the timing wasn't right because your relationship wasn't right at the time and a ring doesn't make the problems disappear.

You and Jack don't know how how to communicate with one another. All arguing does is make you anger and frustrated and lead you to say things out of anger. It might have been because of the coke-- lets face it you don't know if he was using it everyday.

Michael right now is your knight and shining armor because he is showing and doing all the things that Jack didn't. You can't get upset because Jack got mad when you first told him about what happen between you and Michael when your was together. Let's face it, if shoes was on the other foot wouldn't you be disappointed? After all it you did cheat.

Before I answer any further are you with Jack or Michael?

[Wondergirl]

thanks starlite... i was wanting to leave Jack for awhile.... and I know now that I should have communicated it better. I should have sat him down and said " I am thinking of leaving" Now I feel that despite all the wrong he did... I cheated on him and Now i did the worst of it.

Not "I'm thinking of leaving" (gives him all sorts of wiggle room), but "I am leaving." Then do it. And please don't blurt out all your innermost thoughts to either of them. The less you say about one to the other, the better off you will be.

[dazed_confused]

I am with Michael. The more I type the more foolish I feel. I guess eveyone has their tempations and for me when things get at their worst I want to run away.

Jack wants me to go to counsiling with him in 1 hour... I am going to go... I still love him. I am a train -wreck

[Wondergirl]

I am a train -wreck

Welcome to the club.

[liz28]

The situation that your putting yourself in is a disasternow
All this back and forth is no good and can cause a very dramful problematic situation. You going to counseling with Jack is only giving his false hope then if your suppose to be with Michael who is a married man.
Leave both guys alone and get yourself together instead of making this matter more confusing.None of these relationships can never work.

[Ren6]

Wow. No doubt about it, Jack seriously needs to clean up his act. I wouldn't stay with him, but I have a question for you. What will you do when you discover Michael isn't your knight in shining armor? Maybe he isn't separated from his wife. Maybe he has zero intentions of leaving her and his son. You probably can't call him during his work day, either. I can predict you feeling left out and dissatisfied with the occasional rendezvous with him- those times he can make an excuse to his wife to get away. I really think you should rethink this relationship.

[talaniman]

Get rid of Jack, and disappear from his life, he is poison.

Get rid of Michael, leave him alone, he is unavailable.

Your in need of your own healing, and facing, and resolving your issues, ALONE, so you can do this right.

Or you can depend on these guys to confound, confuse, and distract you from your problems, like you have been doing.

Stop taking the easy way out, and work on yourself, without them.

[Romefalls19]

Try being alone for awhile, it gives you a whole new outlook on life. You have too much confusion going on right now