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lumpycampbell · Apr 7, 2009, 06:04 AM

This is my first post so forgive me if its not perfect. Several weeks ago some friends came around with their sons 15 & 17 and my husband and I have two kids ourselves 13 daughter and 14 son.. This was a dinner/ birthday party. So social environment.

I found out from the friend of mine that my daughter and her son kissed. He is the 17 year old.

In England the age of consent is 16. He said he thought she was 15, even then its underage.

Our friends are blaming my daughter for looking older than she is...

And not taking any consideration for their sons actions...

I am not angry about the kiss... she is bound to kiss someone one day..

I am just not sure if I should ever let them in the same room again...

Any thoughts?

-Kris:(

artlady · Apr 7, 2009, 06:16 AM

Our friends are blaming my daughter for looking older than she is...

Then they are turning a blind eye to their sons involvement and trying to justify it.
I would be very leery to allow them any alone time in the future.
I realize it was *only* a kiss but kissing is a stepping stone to more intimate behavior.
Your daughter needs to understand boundaries and so does the boy.If it hasn't already been done a serious talk about sex is needed.

lumpycampbell · Apr 7, 2009, 06:24 AM

Yes, we have spoken to her. She said the kiss was "kinda weird" told him to stop and he did. It was also her first kiss ever.
She and her dad and myself had the huge sex talk. She didn't want to hear it but sat through it.

I am worried about him. He doesn't seem to think what he has done is wrong in anyway. He was so proud he told his parents about it. Saying he "kissed the most beautiful girl".

Look we are flattered that he thinks she is pretty... but if this were my son I would handle it very differently. I know all parents are different and raise children differently.

My husband was ready to go to theirs and take him out for a lesson...

I am also concerend that my daughter was kissing at all... this is why we had "the talk". A little earlier than I expected, I admit.

My mind keeps asking is this as far as it went.. did he touch her in anyway... would she tell me??

artlady · Apr 7, 2009, 06:36 AM

Look we are flattered that he thinks she is pretty... but if this were my son I would handle it very differently. I know all parents are different and raise children differently.

I am a mother of two sons (now grown) but when the sex issue first raised its head,they were told in no uncertain terms that girls deserve to be treated with respect and if I ever found out otherwise,they would have to answer to me.

They need to take their sons participation more seriously.He needs to understand boundaries.

Since this was your daughters first kiss and that upset her a little,I think if anything more happened ,she would tell you.

lumpycampbell · Apr 7, 2009, 07:44 AM

I hope you are right. We are the same with our son. Even though he is only 14 he knows the rules and expectations. If I found out HE had done something like this HE would be more scared of ME than anything else in this world. I tell him he gets to practice respect with his sister and I, and if he can't respect us, no woman will ever feel respected by him.

Maybe I should just B R E A T H E...

I never knew the teens would be so hard! I always thought it would get easier and easier...

WAS I WRONG!

ScottGem · Apr 7, 2009, 09:16 AM

Frankly, I think that everyone is overreacting. A kiss is not sexual activity so the boy did nothing illegal. A kiss doesn't automatically lead to sexual activity, so I wouldn't assume that it does.

The think I would like to know, before I would decide how to deal with this are the circumstances. Where they sitting alone, what were they talking about, what was the environment, did she (unconsciously) send out signals? Did she miss signals he was sending?

There are just so many factors involved here. I'm also not sure of the social environment in the UK. I don't think its much different from the US, but there may be differences.

But lets not overreact. He kissed her and she asked him to stop and he did. So I doubt if he was trying to take advantage of her. He probably felt she was attractive and since the families were friends she might be more interested in him.

But please don't make this out that he was raping your precious little girl. It appears to be far from that.

And frankly, 13 is a bit late in this day and age to have "the talk". I would have, at least, started a dialog about relationships with boys at least 2 years ago.

From where I sit, the girl acted appropriately saying stop when she got uncomfotrtable. The boy also acted appropriately by stopping.

I think you did right by talking to your daughter and I do think his parents should have cautioned the boy that you generally don't kiss a girl until you have established some relationship.

But in no way should you be overreacting talking about age of consent is way over the top.

Jake2008 · Apr 7, 2009, 05:32 PM

I think it is totally innapropriate for a 17 year old young man, to kiss a 13 year old child.

Trust your instincts here mom, I know I too, would have reacted the same way.

It's just wrong.

Diehardrocks92 · Apr 7, 2009, 05:35 PM

ok im not the most exprienced person to be giving you advice on this situation considering im only 16 years old.But from what Ive read you have giving the typical motherly response when you found out that your little girl the baby of your family had her first kiss with an older guy.Neither the girl or the boy did anything wrong it was a kiss and when she felt uncomfortable she asked him to stop and he did that alone shows his respect for her.And i can say that a kiss doesnt always lead to sex you just need to breathe and realize she wanted to kiss the boy and the wanted to kiss her and they did notthing wrong.And you shouldnt be thinkin if he was my son I'd handl it different becoz he's 17 he'd kissed girls before and he'll kiss them again he didnt do anything wrong there was notthing to be handle so just relaxe and if you feel uncomfortable about it you should tell your daughter that !!!!!!

Fr_Chuck · Apr 7, 2009, 05:36 PM

Will agree totally, nothing right about it at all.

lumpycampbell · Apr 8, 2009, 01:19 AM

I am in no way implying that he "raped her". I know it was a kiss. Any sexual act with a child under the age of 16 by an adult over the age of 16 is illegal in the UK.

She is 13.. he is knocking on 18's door. Now when they are in their 20's it's a different story.

He did stop and yes I am pleased by this. I am not upset that my daughter kissed someone... and I Don't CARE WHAT SIGNALS SHE SENT OUT!! SHE IS 13!! He is old enough to know to STAY AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

My husband wants nothing more to do with our friends now. He feels at the least they owe an apology to us and even more the son owes an aopology to him.

We have always talked about sex in a relaxed way. We never sat down and had the FORMAL talk. Its uncomfortable for the kids to say the least. But in casual conversation all questions have been answered from kissing to blow jobs... yes they asked what that was at dinner one night... so you can see we are not prudes that with held information.

My daughter is still in school. This young man is in college. Doesn't that throw up an alarm to him?

To the man that asked about the setting, it was a birthday party. For his mom and my husband. Just the two families with dinner.

No where did we give permission for him to become physical with our 13 year old.

ScottGem · Apr 8, 2009, 06:58 AM

I'm sorry, but I don't know any laws that classify kissing as a sexual act. Sexual acts involve touching genitalia. This is why I am thinking making so much of a kiss is overreacting.

Second, yes 13 is young. But children are growing up much faster these days. A 13 yr old is no longer a total child. You said he thought she was 15 and maybe she looked that old.

By setting I meant where were the two of them? Where they alone in a room? Where they in a secluded part of a garden? How did they get there together? I'm basically trying to figure out what made the boy think she might want him to kiss her.

But I still think, based on what has been said so far that you and especially your husband, are overreacting. His parents do not owe you an apology. However HE owes both your daughter and you an apology.

But please don't blow this all out of proportion.

higgsa · May 23, 2010, 10:00 AM

13 is too young in my opinion, but I assume you have heard the saying, "It takes two to tango".Your 13 year old is experimenting. It is as simple as that. She chose to experiment with a 17 year old. He said he thought she was older -- only he knows if that is true. Did she think he was younger or did she like the idea of kissing 'a college guy'? Know that she won't tell you the truth about this. She knows you are upset. To sever a long standing friendship over this would be overkill. You know from her actions what is on her mind -- do not give her opportunities to be alone with boys, regardless of their age. That is your solution -- decrease her opportunities for experimentation.

From a mom of 4.

positiveparent · May 30, 2010, 11:29 AM

I think you are forgetting one thing here, in terms of maturity these 2 youngsters are the same age, girls being 2 years older and boys being 2 years younger, this puts them both at age 15 in maturity terms. Apart from this have you seen some of the 13 yr old girls around today, obviously yours wasn't dressed in ankle socks and sandals, added to this it was only a kiss and judging by the OPs attitude I would say you've definitely secured the fact that your Daughter won't be coming to you with her questions about sex, you've made a mountain out of a molehill, and it took 2 to kiss, so if in say 3 years time these 2 young people meet and fall in love are you going to forbid them seeing one another? Plus what kind of friend expects another to apologise for their children's behaviour, not a very good friend in my opinion. You need to accept your Daughter is NOT a child she's a teenager, a young woman and she will hopefully be kissed by many more young males before she is a fully mature woman, and you need to learn to let go, and let her grow up. You'll make life difficult for yourself and your daughter if you don't. Our children become what they see in their parents and how we respond to the world, so your Daughter is a product of your outlook, and you need to trust her.