[vishd]

I've been 'crushing' on a girl for a while now - say about a year and a half - and can't seem to get over it. I met her at work when I joined my company and moved to this new city, and she happened to transfer over from another just a bit after. We bonded and we clearly formed a strong friendship. We have the same circle of friends and, so, we hang out almost all the time.

As time passed, I've grown to like her, get really close to her, have feelings for her, care for her in ways one might consider more than a guy friend might. During all these months we have known each other, she has been in a couple of relationships that didn't quite go well, but I've always been supportive as a good friend. I myself haven't been in any for no real reason that my own lack of interest in relationships, or perhaps, because I always felt I could give it a try with her.

I've always been nice and kind even knowing that this might not be so smart. It's nature of mine to be kind to anyone no matter what. But, I've been realizing that this might be the reason why she might not have the same feelings for me and simply accepts me as such as a nice friend. In times where things seemed a little awkward, I have even conveyed that she can trust me as a friend and that I won't cross the line. So, importantly, I've also been realizing that this is simply but sadly one-sided 'love.' But, this hasn't taught me a lesson per say because I keep falling for her and keep being the nice and caring person, and in turn still have the hopes of something... which is the worst situation to be in.

I am struggling to get over these feelings for her because a) I work in the same office (we don't work directly with each other) b) we ended up being close neighbors c) we share our close circle of friends and so we see a lot of each other. So, recently, due to a bit of frustration at work (unrelated) and this realization of the one-sided love (and not wanting to be open hearted about everything anymore to her), I have decided to take a bit of a break from everything and travel back to home home. My plan was to detach myself from the frustration and from her. I wanted to try to avoid any contact with her but that's hard to do since I keep going back for the friendship part which I know is just a trap from you know what. I've already been pinged, emailed, and texted pretty much every other day just to see how I am doing. And, tonight, I have a text saying "why are you doing this?" and don't know what to do other than ignore it for now...

Sorry about the lengthy story, but I felt it was necessary to say it out :). I will stop here and ask you: any advice on how I could clearly approach this situation and try to move on with the best possible outcomes?

[Scleros]

And, tonight, I have a text saying "why are you doing this?" and don't know what to do other than ignore it for now...

You could be honest and say "I'm attempting to clear my head and come to terms with my feelings for you without your proximity and influence and decide if I can endure our friendship for the long haul or if I need to extricate myself from this unhealthy situation."

...any advice on how I could clearly approach this situation and try to move on with the best possible outcomes?

Been there, done that - didn't end well. There are only three possible outcomes:

• You are able to manage your feelings and remain friends.
  I don't see this happening because you are here on this forum (this is how I arrived also), and you are already, after only a year and half of knowing her, adjusting your behavior to mitigate her effect on you.
  
  
• You cannot manage your feelings without detriment to yourself (depression) and have to eliminate her from your life.
  I think this to be the most likely outcome. Explain the situation to her, wish her well, and start No Contact.
  
  
• You get the girl.
  To do this you need to quit behaving like her girlfriend. Kiss her, court her, make a fool of yourself, whatever - just make her feel something. Far better to make her reject you outright than to just surrender and slink off into the shadows like you are currently doing. You have nothing to lose.

I've been 'crushing' on a girl for a while now ... and can't seem to get over it.

You may never get over her. With any luck though you'll think about her a little bit less every day.

[vishd]

You could be honest and say "I'm attempting to clear my head and come to terms with my feelings for you without your proximity and influence and decide if I can endure our friendship for the long haul or if I need to extricate myself from this unhealthy situation."

At this point, I have mentioned that I have feelings for her twice, and both times let her know that I am getting over it and hopefully we can remain friends. What kills me though is that I never got a clear response from her end about if she has any or the same level of feelings. So, I figured if she did and she cared, she would've said something. I don't think I could say something like this once again.

Been there, done that - didn't end well. There are only three possible outcomes:

• You are able to manage your feelings and remain friends.
  I don't see this happening because you are here on this forum (this is how I arrived also), and you are already, after only a year and half of knowing her, adjusting your behavior to mitigate her effect on you.
  
  
• You cannot manage your feelings without detriment to yourself (depression) and have to eliminate her from your life.
  I think this to be the most likely outcome. Explain the situation to her, wish her well, and start No Contact.
  

• This and the next are my two possible paths, in my opinion. It's hard though because one involves No Contact with her and possibly all our friends in common, which is pretty much everyone I know in the city. People are smart enough to realize that something's wrong and I don't want folks to start thinking that either I or she did something wrong to fire this up.
  
  

• You get the girl.
  To do this you need to quit behaving like her girlfriend. Kiss her, court her, make a fool of yourself, whatever - just make her feel something. Far better to make her reject you outright than to just surrender and slink off into the shadows like you are currently doing. You have nothing to lose.

[I wish]

Well, first off, it's always bad to date a co-worker in case you break up and it gets messy.

But I have other possibilities for you. You said that you two have a strong friendship. In my experience, if I had a strong friendship with a girl, but then I developed feelings for them. Then I confessed my feelings and they rejected me. We were still able to maintain that friendship, or in some cases, our friendship is even stronger than before. Reason being, the elephant in the room (tension) was out and we could move on with our lives.

Secondly, if she does like you and you guys start dating, then one of you should just look for another job somewhere else. Then you can avoid the conflict of interest.

[Stunning07]

Honestly I think you should keep the same friendship you have with her buT be very GUARDED treat her exactly how she treats you... getting over her MAN best way to get over a girl is getting under another one... GOOD LUCK MOVE ON!!

[talaniman]

You are able to manage your feelings and remain friends.

That was some wise advice, as its not at all unusual to develop strong feelings for a female co worker, and friend. Its normal, and natural. What you do about it is what really matters as it seems her feelings don't match yours.

I think a lack in social outlets other than her, intensifies those feelings, and makes them more than what they are. I know the rejection hurts.

Balancing your life with a lot of other things, people, and activities is one way, to manage your feelings, and appreciate the friendship, for what it is, and not make it the main focus of your life.

Dating a co-worker, has its own perils, and you can lose a valuable friendship relationship. Or as you are doing now, must run from her, and hide, which does nothing for either of you.

You still lose out, by not facing your own feelings, and dealing with them in a positive way.

[vishd]

Well, first off, it's always bad to date a co-worker in case you break up and it gets messy.

That's part of the reason that I never really thought it was a smart idea to begin with, but you know feelings overcast your judgements.

But I have other possibilities for you. You said that you two have a strong friendship. In my experience, if I had a strong friendship with a girl, but then I developed feelings for them. Then I confessed my feelings and they rejected me. We were still able to maintain that friendship, or in some cases, our friendship is even stronger than before. Reason being, the elephant in the room (tension) was out and we could move on with our lives.

Wish that was the case for me. Sure I have confessed twice, but no say from the other side. She was simply being nice both times and not really replying. As I remember it, she pretty much listened and not actually respond to them, and so this left me 'hoping.' This last time, one of these elephant situations, I simply got a silent nodding when I mentioned my feelings and that I will always be a trustworthy friend. So, this doesn't tell me if she rejects my feelings, or that she think it's unnecessary and we should just remain friends.

Secondly, if she does like you and you guys start dating, then one of you should just look for another job somewhere else. Then you can avoid the conflict of interest.

[vishd]

That was some wise advice, as its not at all unusual to develop strong feelings for a female co worker, and friend. Its normal, and natural. What you do about it is what really matters as it seems her feelings don't match yours.

I think a lack in social outlets other than her, intensifies those feelings, and makes them more than what they are. I know the rejection hurts.

Balancing your life with a lot of other things, people, and activities is one way, to manage your feelings, and appreciate the friendship, for what it is, and not make it the main focus of your life.

Dating a co-worker, has its own perils, and you can lose a valuable friendship relationship. Or as you are doing now, must run from her, and hide, which does nothing for either of you.

You still lose out, by not facing your own feelings, and dealing with them in a positive way.

Thanks, this really helps. I guess the key thing to do is to keep it positive and hold on to the strong friendship. I will do my best to 'distract' myself as to balance my interaction with her. Also, as Stunning07 says, I should really think twice on how I treat her from now on. Sadly, this means no more always being there for her at her personal/emotional times (alone, atleast), no more inviting over for 1:1 dinners, no more hanging out/going to the movies (alone, again)...

There really is not point in avoiding or 'hiding' from her. That's really doesn't sound all that much mature, right? Any other advice in these lines?

[talaniman]

If she is the only one you have good clean fun with of course the feelings will be intense and you get attached. That's human, so spread the fun around to others, male, and female, for good clean fun. That's what single means, free to explore options, and opportunities.

Doesn't have to be about romance, and as for that not acknowledging your feelings, she did and her silence was not hope, but non-action, YOU took as hope.

[Scleros]

At this point, I have mentioned that I have feelings for her twice...

Her: I'm just not feeling it. You haven't touched me, kissed me, or done anything to indicate you're any different from all the other weak guys clamoring for my favor.

...and both times let her know that I am getting over it and hopefully we can remain friends.

Her: Wait what? This guy want me or not? Oh well, guess it doesn't matter, he still wants to be friends. Cool... I can have him and a boyfriend!

What kills me though is that I never got a clear response from her end about if she has any or the same level of feelings. So, I figured if she did and she cared, she would've said something.

Her: Yes! I confirm your analysis. Jolly good, let's mate! << Oops, sorry, never happens.

You had already decided that nothing was going to change. She didn't have to provide a response. Either way you'll just keep twisting in the wind. You come across as asking her permission to feel what you feel - unattractive.

This and the next are my two possible paths, in my opinion.

Your possible path is whatever you decide to do. Reeking of fear, also unattractive.

I don't want folks to start thinking that either I or she did something wrong to fire this up.

Doesn't matter what folks think. Folks are funny that way - always thinking one thing or another, all the time, often it even having no basis in reality. You cannot escape folks thinking or believing something. Best to have them think "Wow, what a great guy! She was total fool for letting him get away."

That said, this is more of what I should've could've done when the time is right.

Me too. I had a decade to seize the right moment. I've had another decade to analyze. Guess what? The time is always right and if it isn't (funerals mostly... ) make it right.

I think you are getting the idea that I am already giving up on the other side.

You've retreated to your safe-happy-place because you can't deal with her anymore. So, yeah, aren't you?

So, really not worth it to even try anymore.

Perfectly logical if you're cutting your losses due to a faulty business decision. However, fast-track way to Not-Get-Girl. More fear.

[vishd]

Her: I'm just not feeling it. You haven't touched me, kissed me, or done anything to indicate you're any different from all the other weak guys clamoring for my favor.



Her: Wait what? This guy want me or not? Oh well, guess it doesn't matter, he still wants to be friends. Cool... I can have him and a boyfriend!



Her: Yes! I confirm your analysis. Jolly good, let's mate! << Oops, sorry, never happens.

You had already decided that nothing was going to change. She didn't have to provide a response. Either way you'll just keep twisting in the wind. You come across as asking her permission to feel what you feel - unattractive.



Your possible path is whatever you decide to do. Reeking of fear, also unattractive.



Doesn't matter what folks think. Folks are funny that way - always thinking one thing or another, all the time, often it even having no basis in reality. You cannot escape folks thinking or believing something. Best to have them think "Wow, what a great guy! She was total fool for letting him get away."



Me too. I had a decade to seize the right moment. I've had another decade to analyze. Guess what? The time is always right and if it isn't (funerals mostly...) make it right.



You've retreated to your safe-happy-place because you can't deal with her anymore. So, yeah, aren't you?



Perfectly logical if you're cutting your losses due to a faulty business decision. However, fast-track way to Not-Get-Girl. More fear.

Like your style, straight to the point(s) and very effective, I must say.

I agree with most of what you said, sadly. That is, I can see how I might have led myself to feel as 'unattractive' and, perhaps, fixing this is the only way to bounce back to my normal self. It's all about perception and how you manage your emotions (etc.) among others, isn't it?

I am really glad that I posed this dilemma to all you folks this weekend and I am truly appreciative of all the great advice from every one of you!

[Scleros]

That is, I can see how I might have led myself to feel as 'unattractive' ...

Not you. Your behavior and hence you may come across as being unattractive to her. Women like confident guys. Telling her how you feel and then waiting expectantly for her approval of it and then slinking off when you don't get it doesn't exude confidence. It exudes a guy that needs acceptance and is uncomfortable. How would you feel if a woman that you hadn't really thought about romantically came up to you and said "I love you and always have, but it's ok, I'm dealing with it and trying to get over it so that we can remain friends" and then becomes scarce? You'd be like "Hmm, ok, whatever..." right? I doubt you'd suddenly see her in a new light and want a closer relationship. I think you are shooting yourself in the foot so to speak.

[vishd]

Not you. Your behavior and hence you may come across as being unattractive to her. Women like confident guys. Telling her how you feel and then waiting expectantly for her approval of it and then slinking off when you don't get it doesn't exude confidence. It exudes a guy that needs acceptance and is uncomfortable. How would you feel if a woman that you hadn't really thought about romantically came up to you and said "I love you and always have, but it's ok, I'm dealing with it and trying to get over it so that we can remain friends" and then becomes scarce? You'd be like "Hmm, ok, whatever..." right? I doubt you'd suddenly see her in a new light and want a closer relationship. I think you are shooting yourself in the foot so to speak.

I agree, somewhat. I mean, isn't it more of shooting down all these one-sided feelings, or hopes, or whatever? I think I am past what you are trying to say I should do. If it's meant to be, she will have to make it happen. And, yes, I know I will never forget her or feel for her, but it's time to realize that it's simply in my head... a fantasy that needs to let go and face the reality, now. Make sense?

[Scleros]

If it's meant to be, she will have to make it happen. ... Make sense?

In all likelihood, yes, however it would be a shame to not gain any insight from the experience and repeat it all over again. It also doesn't hurt if you were to eliminate negative unattractive behaviors from your persona and become irresistible :cool: in the meantime. You two obviously get along if you've been hanging out for a year and a half. You're just not generating feelings for you in her.

[Kzannie]

Why don't you just explain - she will understand - if you don't then you just look like you don't like her any more, and that really isn't fair on her. Don't be stand off - ish , or that will dmg the relationship - appreciate that you are her good friend, even though you want more.