[treyarch]

This is my first post here. I was just doing some searching and I fell upon this site.

How do I tell my girlfriend that I want to take some time off from the relationship. Reason being, I feel like I need to find and define myself as a person. I definitely do not want to completely break up with her as she is the one I def want to marry. I just feel like I don't know who I am. Also there is an addiction that I am fighting, ( no drugs or alcohol), and I just feel like I need to battle it on my own.

We recently moved out on our own, this will mark the first time that we've pretty much lived on our own. I feel like I am too dependent on her and she is too dependent on me. I want to know what its like to pretty much be dependent on myself.

Funny thing is, she kind of brought this up a couple of weeks ago, but changed her mind the next day. But the more and more that I think about it, I think it would definitely help our relationship. I do not feel like I am the best person for her in my current state however I do know that she is for me.

I kind of just want to step back, refresh myself. Define who I am and re-present myself to her.

How do I bring this up in the most mature way. I don't want her to think I'm being selfish, all about me or whatever. I just want to make things right.

HELP MEEEE:confused: :confused: :confused:

[talaniman]

A better way to work on this is to get counceling and if you want this to work why break up? It is very unfair I feel to put someone through this and expect them to just sit and wait for you to get it together. This is both your problem so it makes sense to work on it together. That's what having a relationship is about. What is the addiction problem if its not drugs or alcohol if I may ask?

[Wildcat21]

Dude - you break - and there is good chance not going back. You don't 'break' but not see other people - it doesn't work that way.

DO WHAT TAL SAYS.

If you love this woman - you stay - you get through the GOOD and you ESPECIALLY get/work through the bad.

Do not break if she is the one.

[kp2171]

No break is little.

You do it and she should walk and look for another guy if she so wishes.

If you're feeling like its worth the chance, do it. Just be willing to lose her. You can't have it both ways. Sorry.

Nobody can decide whether you should or should not break except you. But nobody here is likely to be able to tell you how to string her along as your parachute, just in case you might need her.

[ilovcali]

Yeah man, break = BREAK-UP. Doesn't mean never again, but it does mean for now, it's over. My ex tried that whole "let's take a break" line. I didn't see it that way, and told her that just means break-up. And that's what happened.

[Wildcat21]

Yep.

[treyarch]

Well my whole thing is, she is the one that brought this up first, then said she wanted to forget about it the next day. To me that means she finally spoke her mind, and perhaps felt bad about it and said forget it. I don't know, I just think that things would be so easier if I could just do this on my own. I'll understand if she wants to see other people or something.

I'll pt myself out there because I don't know you and you don't know me. PORN, I'm addicted and I finally admit it. My girlfriend doesn't like sex that much so I started really looking at it, so I wouldn't be so sexually frustrated around her. It just started to take all of my time and I am trying to cleanse myself. I want to nip in in the bud before it gets too out of hand. I paid for porn the 1st time a few weeks ago, it was 4.95. Not much, but its like if I start paying now who knows where this will go. I feel bad and I just feel I need to refresh myself on my own.

[JoeCanada76]

Honestly and I am sure others will agree. I do not know. I did not read anybody else's answer.

Once you ask for a break. A break will eighther turn out to be a permanent thing. Or it will be on and off and on and off and eventually it will not work anyway. It would be a very very hard decision to make because I do not think the relationship would get better but get worse. Not 100 percent of the time. So I will not say it is a 100 percent sure thing that will happen to you. There is not guarantees. About the porn thing. Yes, many people get addicted to porn, but that is no reason to give up on your relationship. Are you replacing your needs with you're her on something that is not real? Have you talked to her about how you feel you want to become closer in many ways. You want to become more intimate? Would this help your relationship and possibly curb the porn? At least you admitted to having an addiction because there are a lot of people that hide it and keep it hidden and do not want to admit that it is a problem. Proud of you for admitting it.

Joe

[chuff]

While I have a little different take on this but I want you to consider the source. I've done this twice before in my life and both times gotten back together with the woman. It didn't work out. Part of the problem was my own jealousy because then I wondered exactly what she had done while we were apart. If your not the jealous type maybe this won't affect you. Even after I got back together with the women I questioned my decision. Constantly. Was it smart for me to go back to her? Did she even miss me? Was she happier while I was gone? Was I happier while she was gone? It just went on and on in my own mind and I think you might be setting yourself up for that.

If you have plans to marry this woman then you need to work out your problems now because once the ring goes on you can't duck and run ever.

I also didn't see anyone address this so I will, but I think she may be having second doughts and was testing the waters for a future break up. As I've been learning the break up comes before it is actually spoken. I don't want to scare you but she may be preparing to dump you, so you may want to start preparing yourself.

[talaniman]

If you expect a relationship to work you have to be willing to work on it. Communicate. Tell her how you feel and listen to the feedback. Give her a chance to be part of the bonding process. Be honest, but respectful. How will she know and grow to love you if you shut her out. Talk honestly and listen intently.

[kp2171]

Well... her throwing it out there and pulling it back in might have been her way to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up, or maybe she genuinely is conflicted. Either way, she's close enough to the edge that she's pretty much there.

Breaking up to get over a porn addiction... all I can say is real life is going on around you. I'm not judging or saying what's right for you. But don't screw up a good relationship for something that will mean nothing to the betterment of your life. Here... obviously the girl is having second thoughts, so no big shift in the universe if you give the final push.

But don't use that as an excuse to purge yourself. If anything, being single will give you more freedoms and less responsibilities, which is likely to enable your "addiction" (your words) more than prevent its escalation.

Moderation in about everything is a good idea.

[valinors_sorrow]

Paying for porn is not a clear measure of an addiction but I hear your genuine concern. A sexual addiciton is often formed by someone who channels all their emotional needs into that particular outlet and then looks to satisfy it at greater and greater detriment to their life. A porn addiction usually is someone for whom real sexual intimacy is a problem, its used in usurping and replacing relationship and in some ways quite different from a sexual addiction. I am not sure criteria for either of these have been met.

I hear a couple having boundary (identify) and honesty (intimacy) issues, complicated by differences in sexual appetites (which can easily be affected by identity and intimacy issues) compounded by an attempt to channel some sexual urges with pornography.

I strongly favor the suggestion that you seek counseling together since there is no fruitful means for putting a relationship "on hold". It may come to light that neither of you is very able to stand your ground appropriately--meaning enforce appropriate boundaries or tell your truths-- and a therapist can help a great deal in you both acquiring those skills. Without those skills, neither of you is likely to have a very satisfying relationship with each other or anyone else for that matter.

[Skell]

You take a break and its over. No going back. Finished.
You need to sit down and TALK long and hard with her about all these issues.
If you want this to work and you really want to marry this girl then you need to communicate and resolve these issues together. NOT APART.
That is what being in a relationship is about. When you are going through tough times you resolve them together. NOT by taking a break. Doesn't work. That isn't what you would call a partnership is it??
I haven't read all the other advice you have received but I think Tals suggestion of Conselling is your best option IF you want it to work.
If you / her / both of you don't think it is right to continue then you are going to have to break up and move on. And if that happens we will be here to support you through that tough time too.
But first thing is first.
Sit down wit her. TALK with her, LISTEN to her and see what path you want to take. Then once that is decided take the appropriate action.
But just don't go and have a break. You will lose her forever!!

[s_cianci]

How are the issues you've described impacting your relationship with her? If I take what you're saying at face value then it doesn't really sound like you're ready to be in any kind of relationship at all and certainly not talking about marriage. That being the case, in all fairness to her I think you should call it quits altogether, at least for right now, and work on the issues you've described in your post. It may hurt a little now but if you keep plodding along in your current state without working on the things you need to right now, it's going to eventually end up hurting much more. Also, if things are in fact having a big negative effect on your relationship, she may end up breaking up with you. On the other hand, if your problems aren't really impacting your relationship to a significant extent then a break may not be necessary or wise. Since you didn't elaborate too much on specifics in your post it's hard to say for certain what your best course of action is.

[s_cianci]

After reading your second post I agree with Val in that it's not certain whether you actually have an addiction to porn. However I do agree with those posters who have said that ending your relationship with this girl is only likely to throw you further into your porn activities rather that steer you away from them. You've suggested that your sexual needs are not compatible so you use it as a tool to not be overly sexually frustrated around her. Although it may be true that the frequencies with which you desire sexual intimacy are out of synch, I think that's a red herring you use to explain your viewing of porn online. Couple's counseling may not be a bad idea. I think that if this relationship is to survive then the two of you need to work on some heavy-duty communication skills. I think that's the heart of your problems. I think you're using the porn as a substitute for what's lacking in your interaction with this girl that you seem to care deeply about. Until you address this head-on you'll never be able to have a successful relationship with anybody.

[mysticque]

Yes I agree with Talan. Maybe both of you can explore another element of human interaction which you can benefit together. I also agree with Jesus. On/Off relationships aren't really ideal. Maybe if you want to stay friends with that person then yes it will work for some time.