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i_m_scared · Apr 1, 2009, 08:14 AM

Hello. I have a post in the marriage section about being in an abusive relationship (please read it if you want the full story). My purpose for coming to this section is to ask about child custody.

As I said in my marriage thread, I am planning on leaving very soon. I am waiting on money, to make my final car payment and to attempt to gather enough evidence to get a protective order.

So, what can happen if I leave with the children? Especially, what can happen if I am not able to get the protective order?

Just FYI, I don't have any police reports or hospital records regarding any past abuse. He's always been controlling and threatening, but it's just been recent that he has become seriously abusive. Through our whole marriage he has threatened to kill me if I ever left him, my plan is to get this on tape so I can ensure getting this protective order. Any other advice??

Thank you.

this8384 · Apr 1, 2009, 08:23 AM

I would recommend getting the protective order first. If you file for custody and then try to get the order, it may look as if you're just trying to spite your husband.

Once the order is in place, file for full custody and limited or supervised visitation for the father. Bring copies of the order to court showing that he is violent.

plantfreek · Apr 1, 2009, 08:32 AM

Your first concern right now, should be your and your children's safety. Forget the money, forget the car payment. If you are in any danger whatsoever, you need to leave and do it in a way that guarantees your safety and the kids. By that I mean leave when he is out of the house for an extended period.
Do you have any agencies in your area that shelter abused women and children? If you do, call them first, TODAY! You can call them confidentially and I really urge you to do this ASAP!
If you wait around to gather evidence, get him threatening you on tape etc, he may catch you and then where will you be? Possibly in a world of hurt.
So get out as soon as possible. If you believe your life is in danger or your kids are at risk, you have a responsibility to act-immediately. Whether you have proof right now or not, if YOU believe you are at risk you must leave.
Call your local legal aid society and ask for help. Their advice is usually free. Call your local abused women's shelter. Go or call the reference desk of your local public library. They keep a list of all agencies in your area and can give you names and phone numbers of people who can help you.
Call your local county courthouse and ask for agencies who give help in your situation.
Go to your local Aid to Dependent Children office and get an application going for financial aid for you and your kids-food stamps, help with rent etc and Medicaid for the kids so they can get medical and dental help if they need it.
If you go to a women's shelter you and the kids will be protected from him and you won't need a protective order. They are there to see that you are all safe.
I can't tell you how many times I've known women who waited around till they had all their ducks in a row who ended up getting hurt. You don't need to take all your belongings with you right now. Just the necessary stuff to keep you and the kids clothed, tooth and hair brushes, medications and any records you may need.
Just because you have never called the police or filed a report on your husband doesn't mean you won't be believed! Why wait around till he finally blows his top and hurts you or the kids?
Of what importance is a car, or a car payment, if you are hurt and unable to be there for your kids?
It can all get worked out but you first must act and put a plan into motion. Your husband may need counseling, psychiatric help etc but the only way he's going to get it is if he finally realizes he must get it. And your leaving and taking the kids might be enough of a message that he will get the help he needs.
I can't say this strongly enough-if you feel you are truly at risk, get out. Now.
Pick up the phone and call the agencies I listed. Call your girlfriends, family etc to help you move out quickly once he leaves for work. And be sure you are NOT alone when you are actually packing up to leave in case he should come home unexpectedly from work etc.
You don't want to make the situation worse.
Good luck and get moving.
plantfreek

i_m_scared · Apr 1, 2009, 08:41 AM

I am going to try to get the protective order first.

plantfreek, I hear you... but I am going to get my things in order and do this right. He's not physically abusive to the kids, so they're not in danger in that respect. He is an incompetent father, though, and lazy. He can't care for the kids on his own, he has no clue how to.

I would rather suffer for a couple more weeks of this crap and get my things in order rather than leave and let him get the upper hand. As I explained in my other "Marriage" post, his parents have money and lawyers and think their son can do no wrong. They will help him and I don't have the means to fight them financially. All I can do is prove he is abusive and threatening, and that will trump all the money and lawyers in the world.

i_m_scared · Apr 1, 2009, 08:43 AM

BTW, back to the original question... what can happen when I do leave with the kids? And I will be going out of state, if that matters. Please, I need an answer to this.

this8384 · Apr 1, 2009, 08:47 AM

There's no guarantee what will happen. If you leave and then try to file for custody, you're going to have to come right back to the state you currently reside in. Get the protective order first, then use that as grounds for full custody and no/supervised visitation.

i_m_scared · Apr 1, 2009, 08:56 AM

Let's say I've left, I'm gone with the kids. What does he have to do on his end? Because, perhaps, he might not even do anything if it's too hard. Or, what if we draw up an agreement on our own, without the courts. Would that be legally binding?

this8384 · Apr 1, 2009, 09:00 AM

If you leave the state with the children and he files for custody, you have to come back to the state and fight it out in court.

You can draw up an agreement but it still needs to be approved through the court system.

plantfreek · Apr 1, 2009, 09:37 AM

I understand what you are saying but I have to agree-you shouldn't leave the state with the kids under any circumstances. Your best bet to fight this and him, is to leave and go first to a shelter. Or get the protective order.
I'm afraid if you leave the state, with no evidence, you are going to look like a disgruntled, unhappy wife and that can't help your case in the long run. Surely someone has seen and heard him being abusive to you in the past and could substantiate your need for a protective order.
If you go you could hurt your case and in any event you will have to bear the expense and uproot the kids to come back.
Get some good advice about this before you take off.

ANB428 · Apr 1, 2009, 12:33 PM

If you leave the state and he tries to fight you, it could end really bad on your part. When I was in the state of California, I went to a domestic violence shelter when I left my daughter's father. I also got restraining orders for my daughter and myself. I asked the judge if I could move out of California back to the state that my mom lives in, and she told me that I needed to speak with a lawyer because if I took our daughter out of state and the father put up a fight that I could be in trouble. I suggest that you talk to a lawyer first espically if you are taking them out of state. You don't want to get charged with kidnapping your own children. Before you file for custody, I suggest that you get the restraining order first. And once you file to get a restraining order against someone, the courts send a summons to the person who is getting the restraining order put on them. I suggest you go to a domestic violence shelter for a few months to get all the legalities straightened out. That is what I did when I left my daughter's father. He didn't try to fight me on anything though because he was on drugs and was to paranoid to ever go to court, so I was lucky. Good luck with everything, I will be praying for you and your children.

cdad · Apr 1, 2009, 06:07 PM

What state is this in ? Im a bit bothered by your attitude and the way you seem to "know " things. Your plan isn't how you think it is. Actually you really need to talk to a lawyer. And if the abuse is as bad as your portraying it why risk the kids ?

This statement bothers me a lot because it sounds more vendictive then anything and also sounds like you have other problems going with it.

(quote) Although my screen name is I AM SCARED, I'm not scared of him so much as I'm scared of being the loser in this separation even though he is the abusive one. ( end quote )

i_m_scared · Apr 2, 2009, 07:26 AM

I've had a rough life. I grew up in a very rough place, I grew up fast, I have seen the worst of people. I have had guns pointed in my face, at my back, etc. I'm not scared of violence as in being nervous about something happening to me, I guess I'm not "typical" in that respect... sorry, I can't explain this so well, try to understand. But my statement is true indeed, although I am being controlled and abused and threatened, I truly am more scared of losing my children than anything else. I would give my life for my children without a second thought. This is why I am willing to endure whatever I must in order to gather my evidence and do this right. He has never abused the children, his problem is that he does not know how to care for them on his own. I am through with this marriage, and I'm not saying at all that I NEVER want him to have access to the kids. I'm not trying to just take them... as I said, I have a post in the "Marriage" section which might explain more of the situation for you. I'll be brief about this, as I've already posted it over there-his parents have money and lawyers. They will help him take the kids away from me even though he is abusive towards me and an incompetent parent (he truly has no clue how to care for these kids on his own, no clue whatsoever). I didn't intend to sound vindictive (although I believe many people in my situation do feel at the least some bitterness). As I said, my intent is not to permanantly take the kids away and make it so he can't see them ever. I never said that. My main concern is having primary custody because he is clueless. When we have arguments about separating, his plan is to go to his parents and dump the kids off on them. They're already raising 2 grandkids from my teen mom sister-in-law.

I don't doubt for a moment that my husband loves these kids. But he simply can't care for them, and I can. He is the childish, vindictive one and his parents will help him with whatever resources they have. They are the type that think their son can do no wrong and constantly bail out their kids even when they're clearly in the wrong.

All I want here is advice on how to do this right, since I don't want to do anything illegal or to jeopardize my custody chances. I have been the children's primary caregiver since birth. They have never even had a babysitter, EVER. I am a truly dedicated parent and I know how to care for these kids, he is not so dedicated and definitely does not know how to care for the kids.

I don't know what else to say, I hope that clears things up for you.