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slow man · Mar 28, 2009, 12:26 AM

3 months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. I was having some serious personal problems that she wouldn't, couldn't deal with ( I won't go into that) she tells her family EVERYTHING about me and us, and her coworkers and whoever else. She tells her mom about our sex-life-details. Same thing with coworkers-those are the ones she's told me about. And not just our sex life, but other very personal things. I am quite a bit older than her-but the things she has told me that she talks about I would NEVER discuss with so many people-especially not my mother. Its just weird. Well, when we broke up, she was discussing my very personal issues with the same people. Then she would come back to me and tell me how upset her family is with me. She works at a coffee shop I USED to hang out at. People that I really don't know that well were asking me about my problems. When I stopped hanging out at the coffee shop to avoid her she started having people come by my house, she'd come by to check on me. I feel pretty violated at this point. When we were dating, the more I learned about this the more uncomfortable I felt. But now I am just pissed. I can understand confiding in a best friend or sister, but not everyone else. I am sure she is not doing it out of spite. Does anyone else think her behavior has crossed some boundaries. Should I let her know how I feel?

Dare81 · Mar 28, 2009, 12:39 AM

She is your ex and she broke up with you, tell her to quit coming around, tell her you already have friends, and don't need another one. Once you do that the stories will eventually dry up too

talaniman · Mar 28, 2009, 09:41 AM

You can't change people, but you can avoid them.

slow man · Apr 1, 2009, 07:30 AM

Threads merged

For some time before my ex dumped me, I was making a mental list of all these habits, behaviors, or whatever that bothered me. I was pushing her away, making excuses to spend less time with her, avoiding sex-all that. I don't know why I didn't just break up, that is my fault. But, I knew there was too much stacked against are relationship; family hated me, age difference, she's in college, etc. Anyway, needless to say I pushed her away too much. Now a couple months later as I look back, I begin to miss all those things that irritated me-and there were several. I am not proud of my spineless behavior, but if I knew deep down this wasn't going to work, what the hell am I looking back on it with tears and lonliness. I am doing the NC, which is kind of an obstacle course since she still strolls into the café we met at. And I know what you all are going to say, "there are plenty of other places to go", and when I see her car there that is what I do. Anyway, it is driving me nuts romantisizing about a girl I really wasn't happy with in the first place. Is this common?

slow man · Apr 1, 2009, 07:50 AM

I feel like an that I didn't mention she had/has some lovely qualities-I did love her, but I didn't see a future with her-mainly due to the age dif. So it really was kind of pointless. So, why my mind decides to keep me with her I do not know. I just know at this point there is no middle ground (friends, etc). It was fairly intense emotionally and sexually. So, understand she isn't a loser, far from it. Thanks.

artlady · Apr 1, 2009, 07:54 AM

Some people go through life always wanting what they cannot have and then when they get it they push it away.

Fear of commitment.Love of the chase.

Sound familiar? Just speculating.

talaniman · Apr 1, 2009, 08:31 AM

I think its normal to look back, and see the good parts of our past attachment to another human being, and over time, the romantic aspects we put on it, will be replaced by a healthy detachment, that allows us to deal with it in a positive manner for what it was. A temporary union, that didn't work like we thought it would. It's a matter of time. Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up about it.

I wish · Apr 1, 2009, 08:38 AM

There's not much you can do about it at this point. Continue with the NC.

Just learn from this experience.

Romefalls19 · Apr 1, 2009, 08:44 AM

This is why the justice department invented restraining orders, I'd suggest you tell her one last time you are done, stop coming by the house or you will seek legal resolutions.

I wish · Apr 1, 2009, 08:48 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

This is why the justice department invented restraining orders, I'd suggest you tell her one last time you are done, stop coming by the house or you will seek legal resolutions.

A bit extreme, but if it really feels like she's going overboard, it is an option.

Romefalls19 · Apr 1, 2009, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

A bit extreme, but if it really feels like she's going overboard, it is an option.

She is pretty much stalking him, after what I encountered with an ex of mine, I take NO chances. He stopped hanging out at once place so she followed him to another, I'd be a little worried if I were him. She doesn't seem to be taking the hint too well

Beauty1019 · Apr 1, 2009, 08:54 AM

Omg, that's really horrible. I completely agree that she's crossed a lot of lines. She seems to have a problem keeping things to herself. I think your better off, try not to let her get to u. Its not what people say about u, it's what u answer to. Don't sweat it!

slow man · Apr 1, 2009, 09:35 AM

I am confused. I posted another question that now appears with this question. Oh, well. Just to clear things up, she definitely is not stalking me. She just doesn't really repsect the NC thing. Perhaps she has just moved on and it doesn't matter. But, I tell you that when she didn't see me there (cafe) for a couple weeks that's when she came around-probably out of concern, but nonetheless she dragged others into it. I don't think her behavior is out of malice-she is only 20. So, I am not "angry" with her, just disappointed. I mean if you break up with someone, why still be so concerned. It is confusing to say the least. She just needs to learn boundaries with others' business. Anyway, we're over-it would just prefer not to see her at ALL. Out of sight out of mind only works if you don't see them. There's an old phrase,"Don't eat where you sh#t" which makes sense. How to co-workers who date and break up deal with it? Thanks

talaniman · Apr 1, 2009, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by slow man

I am confused. I posted another question that now appears with this question. Oh, well.

Your threads were merged to keep the confusion down for the readers that had no background into your situation.

Your encouraged not to make separate questions, about the same subject.

Arianna26 · Apr 2, 2009, 07:21 PM

Omg are u serious... have u told her that she needs to stop, all this nosely business... god... some people are just really werid... well if that hasn't stopped... u should go to the police station and tell them what is going on... don't go too much into detail, but just tell them that it really needs to stop.. they will then make a report, where if she's caught near your property or stocking u.. then she'll get a fine for trespassing/stalking u... hope this helps...

God bless, stay safe :)

LoveStoned · Apr 2, 2009, 10:08 PM

It sounds like she has no respect for you... I wonder how she would feel if you told everyone of her little secrets. Avoid her the best you can. I would feel violated too!! A relationship is based on trust and respect. She had no sympathy for your concerns. Sounds like she's got a little bit of growing up to do. Leave. You'll find someone else who will look up to you and value you as a great person.

Hathor · Apr 3, 2009, 06:03 AM

Yes, she does have a serious boundary issue, and being immature as to not know that she shouldn't talk about your private stuff to just anyone.

But I don't think that makes her a stalker though (I mean, technically, yes, but maybe she just doesn't know what she's doing, the same way she doesn't know the social etiquette to keep one's private life discreet, I mean she's not a 'psycho' stalker).

When my ex dumped me due to certain issues he had, I kept thinking for a year that he did have serious issues and I should be there for him because I thought he had no one else, even though just as friends. Turned out, his condition wasn't that serious, and I ended up making a fool of myself by falling for him over again.

My point is I don't know what 'issues' you're having, and maybe she's just overreacting and fooling herself into thinking that only she can save you. So my advice is for you to catch her for a serious talk and set the record straight once and for all. Avoiding her isn't going to help. It just prolongs the path because she'd never understand.