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kctiger · Mar 24, 2009, 08:21 AM

A matter of odds... the odds are HIGH, very HIGH that your ex will contact you, especially if you dated for longer than a year or so..

My ex called or emailed me a couple times. The first couple of times, I had that confused, "Oh, maybe she wants me back" syndrom going... she most recently sent me a text three weeks ago, and no confusion or false hope jumped in my head... this is kind of where you truly realize you are doing good, and you are moving forward!

Hathor · Mar 24, 2009, 10:04 AM

Umm, I didn't know 95% of people here got contacts from their ex's, but maybe the rate here is high because this is a Q&A forum and most people asking questions here face complications in their relationships, don't you think so?

In my case, ONLY ONE ex contacted me, 4 months after the break, because one of his longterm ex died in a car crash and he felt like he didn't have anyone else to talk to but me. I didn't pick up the call or call back though (sadly I remember his number by heart even till now). But I did call him 4 months after that call (8 months after the break) to tell him I was moving to Europe, that was when he told me about his previous call. He wished me luck and bon voyage. A year later I called him (from Europe) crying my heart out that my new guy dumped me. I think we're one of the few who can stay friends.

Yeah, I agree that the longterm ones can't be cut so easily. Maybe the fact that other ex's never contacted me was because it was always short term (less than a year) and also because I move around for my job so a longterm one is hard to keep.

Or maybe because I often came across as harsh and mean. One ex screwed up for being blindly jealous. I told him he's stupid and immature and dumped him. He never contacted me again. Another ex dumped me because he was afraid of going the next level, I threw stuff at him and kept ing whenever I saw him (we shared the same dorm). When I moved out, we never kept contact again until a year later. He later admitted that he was scared of me.

I wish · Mar 24, 2009, 10:08 AM

That's right Hathor!

The people in this thread have common problems and we reflect a small percentage of the entire population. Maybe it's true, maybe it's 99% vs. 1%, but either way, I think it's more objective to say "if they call" instead of "when they call" to cover everyone.

But the Guideline isn't showing any bias anyway, so I think we're fine.

Romefalls19 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:11 AM

Hathor to be honest, you come off as having a temper problem. Calling a guy you date names and then another throwing stuff at him? But that's neither here nor there, maybe if I get enough people saying I need to change it I will, but for now I'm going with the majority.

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:15 AM

I think it depends on the person, if they decide that they want to be friends or not. Personally I think if the ex's feel that the friendship was good then there is a possibility that they will get back in contact.

I don't have much experience with Ex's! But I agree with Hathor, its more likely because it's a Q&A Forum that the rate is so high.

Romefalls19 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:17 AM

Every girl I have dated has tried to contact me in some way or another after we broke up. For some it took months, others a couple weeks but still tried apologizing to me for how it all happened and wanted to be friends.

kctiger · Mar 24, 2009, 10:22 AM

I am not sure why it matters. Whether "if" or "when" is in there isn't the point. Seriously, this is meant to help, arguing over semantics really isn't going to do anything. The entire point of this thread is to help others get over their emotionally damaged state of mind and come to a firm grasp of reality... am I missing something?

Romefalls19 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:25 AM

That's what I'm trying to figure out, obviously the mods thought highly enough of this post to make it a sticky, so I'm going to go with their advice ha ha.

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

I am not sure why it matters. Whether or not "if" or "when" is in there isn't the point. Seriously, this is meant to help, arguing over semantics really isn't going to do anything. The entire point of this thread is to help others get over their emotionally damaged state of mind and come to a firm grasp of reality...am I missing something?

Yes your right. Sorry I just thought id point it out. It doesn't matter really if they do get in contact. Because NC will heal you and by then you won't care!

Hathor · Mar 24, 2009, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Hathor to be honest, you come off as having a temper problem. Calling a guy you date names and then another throwing stuff at him? But that's neither here nor there, maybe if I get enough people saying I need to change it I will, but for now I'm going with the majority.

Yeah I know I have a temper problem, trying to change, but not very successful so far :P

Anyway, I'm not always hot-tempered during dating/relationships and I've never done anything (so) stupid, it's just that on the verge of breaking up, I was trying to protect myself by letting anger rather than grieve consume me. You're an expert, so I think you know this angry phase very well. As I suggested in the previous post, we can also block their contacts as well not just deleting, and I tend to go all the way, cutting all ties, deleting sms/emails/photos, throwing out stuff (except the expensive ones). And it did help me a lot.

Actually, I've managed to block all communication means with ALL my ex's. I just moved to another country (again) so I have a new number. I don't have myspace. I don't use MSN anymore. I've blocked all of their emails and their contact lists on Facebook and skype.

The initial purpose was to help me heal. And now I'm healed ;-) but I still need to continue blocking them for my own comfort zone. Actually I still remember some of their numbers and emails, so I can contact them whenever I need to (even if I don't remember I can still search on white pages or sth). I know it's extreme, but we have our own ways, right?

Hathor · Mar 24, 2009, 10:48 AM

Oh, also count my vote for 'if' ;-)

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:49 AM

Blocking all communication is good. Same with me. No Facebook, a new msn addy, new phone number. All this helped. I didn't do this till three months after the break up after torturing myself with being in contact. This is not the way to go. If I cut contact straight away I would have been three months ahead of the healing process.

PirandelloLuigi · Mar 25, 2009, 10:00 PM

Does No Contact apply to the ''Let's take a break and be friends'' situation also or is it just for break-ups only.

Romefalls19 · Mar 26, 2009, 04:13 AM

I consider taking a break a break up. No contact is perfect for that situation as well. Just about everyone on this forum will agree that taking a break results in a break up.

artlady · Mar 26, 2009, 04:19 AM

Good job Rome.
I always like the question,when can we be friends?
I like Tals advice about waiting until the emotional dust settles.
Hope you can fit it in somewhere.

kctiger · Mar 26, 2009, 06:06 AM

I got to think that the most important part of Rome's post is the last part, with stories of hope. To me, when you come on this website, in particular this topic area, you see NOTHING but horror stories of being dumped and all the things that go with it. The people that give advice, a lot of us now reformed after having our heart broken, are assumed to not really know how it feels... it is almost as if the person with their heart broken feels like we are all wise beyond our years and don't know what they are going through..

So... it does good to see specific people doing well, especially when you have links have how bad we all were doing once upon a time. Mix in a little proof of success with some devastating feelings, and you should eventually get hope...

Just a meaningless rant...

Romefalls19 · Mar 26, 2009, 06:21 AM

Ha ha, that's one of the main reasons I stuck around, because I knew that what I learned from this site needed to be passed on. So I have stuck around, and will continue to do so. It gives me comfort to see that I am helping people who are going through some of the most difficult times of their life.

PirandelloLuigi · Mar 26, 2009, 09:54 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Ha ha, that's one of the main reasons I stuck around, because I knew that what I learned from this site needed to be passed on. So I have stuck around, and will continue to do so. It gives me comfort to see that I am helping people who are going through some of the most difficult times of their life.

Well guys, I have to admit, I am going trough this right now, and it's hell. I need your help. I am counting the days and weeks and sometimes I look at the pictures we took on our last trip when she started to act cold and distant. I am trying to understand what went wrong, regardless I know she was not putting in the effort to save the relationship, I still feel guilt, frustration and anger.

kctiger · Mar 26, 2009, 09:56 AM

Only natural my friend. First things first... place the pics somewhere away that isn't easily accessible. NC means no pics too.

PirandelloLuigi · Mar 26, 2009, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Only natural my friend. First things first...place the pics somewhere away that isn't easily accessible. NC means no pics too.

I put the pics on an external usb drive, believe it or not there is actually a picture that helps me get over her. She had this thing about being taller than me that really bothered her. She was 5'9 and I'm 5'11, in this pic she looks taller and not physicly attractive or physicly compatible with me. She also never wore her her high heel shoes when we were together.

I look forward to the future and my next relationship I wish to find a more petite woman, I am a romantic guy and I like to be able to pick up my woman in my arms and carry her.
This is probably wired in my brain or geneticly programmed. No offense to the talll girls out there, I am sure you tall girls feel weird too when your man is shorter.

So one thing to check early is are you compatible and can you deal with the incompatibilities, can you just walk pass them or will they cause constant headaches and just add to the reasons of breaking up in the future.

What do you think KC ?