[Ryan3229]

I’ve gotten myself into a little bit of a situation (unintentionally, I can assure you) and maybe some of the members here can help me out a little bit. In the past, I’ve found this to be an excellent website to talk through issues. Anyway, here goes:

I’ve known my best friend Kyle for about 4 years (we were college friends at Oklahoma State University). We were always close, but never really would hang out regularly until about a year ago. He has been with his current girlfriend Stephanie for pretty close to 3 years. They had a little bit of a rough start, but it seems now they are very close and love each other very much. They have lived with each other for about 2 years.

As is the case with all couples, they have a few issues as well. Because Kyle is my best friend and Stephanie has become a close friend as well, I am (unfortunately?) privy to these issues. Essentially, Stephanie thinks Kyle is relatively jealous and as a result, doesn’t want her going out as often as she’d like. He would typically prefer to stay in every night and spend time with her in the comfort of their own living room. This very well could have to do with the fact that he almost feels like he isn’t worthy of being with her and “lucked” into finding her. Kyle on the other hand dislikes the fact that Stephanie is very needy and somewhat moody. He feels like he always has to take care of her and thinks she always has to have things her way and is very picky in general. From time to time, they will get angry at each other for some entirely minor issue and each throw little temper tantrums. Regardless of these issues, they clearly love each other.

This is where I (a single male by the way) enter the situation. I should start by stating that nothing has every happened between Stephanie and myself. I have and always will respect their relationship no matter what happens. Anyway, for the first 2 years they dated, I hung out with both Kyle and Stephanie together on maybe 4 occasions and didn’t think anything of it. She was a fun girl, but that was that. It wasn’t until about a year ago that we all started to regularly hang out (nearly every weekend, at least 1 day if not both). At some point that I can’t pinpoint exactly, I began developing a crush on Stephanie. She is a beautiful, sweet, extremely fun girl that anyone would love to date. I didn’t really think anything of this at first, but was jealous of my friend needless to say. As far as I knew, it was nothing and she didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t until maybe 6 months ago that I started noticing that maybe she had some sort of feelings as well. She always considered me to be a fun guy and loves the fact that I’m always coming up with ideas for activities we can all do as opposed to staying in. There have been many occasions that Kyle, Stephanie, and I all hung out and drank a few beers, Kyle goes to bed early, and Stephanie and I stay up for multiple more hours hanging out, watching TV, and talking. Sometimes she has one of her friends over as well. I will usually end up spending the night and sleeping on the couch while her friend usually leaves. When this happens, Stephanie typically wants me to tell Kyle that Stephanie’s friend left right before we went to bed (even though usually they leave multiple hours before) and that we went to bed earlier than we really did. She also will randomly text me very late at night from time to time and say things such as “I just wanted to talk to someone and everyone else is probably sleeping”. There have also been numerous occasions where Stephanie has randomly kissed me on the hand or on the cheek and told me she loves me (I assume she meant as a friend, and that is how I took it – and she is usually somewhat inebriated when this happens). None the less, I found this to be quite strange. She has not done this for a few months though – in fact, she seems to be much less physical with me than she used to be and definitely less so than with her other friends (as in she doesn’t really hug me anymore – its almost like she is forcing herself not to despite the fact that she hugs virtually everyone when she says hello or goodbye).

Really, I guess my question is what am I supposed to do? Very recently, we signed a lease to live with each other in an apartment in Oklahoma City (right now we live about 20 miles apart). We are moving in mid-April. I would never, ever betray my friend even if Stephanie came on to me. My own view is that perhaps Kyle noticed Stephanie starting to become close with me and feels jealous about it and maybe said something. As a result, she almost feels like she has to sneak hanging out with me.

I am about to live with them for a year, so I don’t think I can say anything to them about it. I love them both as friends. I don’t love Stephanie in a relationship sense, but definitely have a crush that I can’t get away from. I am constantly thinking about her and it needs to stop. I just really need to figure out what I need to do to make these feelings go away. I don’t want to fall for her anymore than I already have. Anyone have any ideas?

Thank you in advance for reading the novel above…

[artlady]

I am about to live with them for a year, so I don't think I can say anything to them about it. I love them both as friends. I don't love Stephanie in a relationship sense, but definitely have a crush that I can't get away from. I am constantly thinking about her and it needs to stop. I just really need to figure out what I need to do to make these feelings go away. I don't want to fall for her anymore than I already have. Anyone have any ideas?

You need to find a girl to take your mind off Stephanie.
As an aside...
You do know that this is an open board that anyone can see.You have given specifics but I hope you changed the names.

Since you are no doubt tied in to this moving arrangement,I suggest you try to live your own life as much as possible and start hanging out with new friends.

You can't turn a switch and hope the feelings will subside.You need to keep reminding yourself that she is a friend and nothing will ever develop beyond that.

Get out and meet some new women and hopefully you will find someone to take your mind off Stephanie.

My exes best friend had a crush on me and it ended badly because he became obsessive.He took my friendship to mean something more.I treated him like a brother but he misread it all.Because he wanted to believe there was hope.

Do not read more into her friendship because of the same reason.

Get a life that does not revolve around them so much and that should help.
Good luck!

[jjwoodhull]

Moving in with them is putting yourself in a very difficult situation. She is your friend's girlfriend. You must move on from her. Even if they were to break up it would not be right for you to date her right away.

To protect yourself you need to stop spending so much time with her - difficult now that you will be living together. Start going out with other friends and open yourself up to the idea of meeting someone new.

[liz28]

First, sneaking around to hang up with her is wrong. It's a betrayal to your friend. The lying is a betrayal as well.

You already know that the two of you have a liking for one another but it seems like the two of you having confirm it because your know it is wrong. Not talking about it is a way of denial and a fear. Fear of what talking about can lead to.

I hope your not seriously thinking about all three of you moving together because I know that is a bad idea. Things could really happen then and the only person that is going be hurt is your friend that you have known for a number of years. That would be a fast way to flush a friendship down the drain.

Stop it now, the sneaking around and texts. You should've stop it a long time ago if you truly value your friendship with your friend. I don't think you would like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Even if you stop it now I can shake the thought that you and your friend girlfriend will be getting over. Psssst, who can you trust nowadays? Nobody, and you proved that fact but remember trust friends stabbed their friend well they're looking not in the back.

[plonak]

If I read right, it looks like you haven't yet signed the lease for the house yet.. right? In that case, I think this is a VERY BAD idea that you move in with them! That only makes the temptation so much worse.

Ask yourself what your motives are for moving in with them.. if it's absoultly the last resort and you will end up on the streets if not, then do it, but I highly doubt that that's the case.

I think you need to remove yourself from all temptations. If you end up being alone together then leave or find someone else to hang out with. It shouldn't matter if it hurts her feelings. Your main priority here is to not betray your friend.

There are PLENTY of single beautiful sweet girls (like me! Jk) out there that are special.. she's not the only one!! Sometimes when you can't have something, it subconsciously makes you want it more.. it's just human nature..

Don't beat yourself up for this.. just stop focusing on her.. meet other girls and remove all temptation and you will eventually get over your crush.. after all, it's just a crush.. is it worth losing your best friend for?

[none12345]

I think she likes you as well. It wouldn't be a good ideal to be a relationship breaker... don't give her any wrong ideas. A guy confessed to my ex when I was with her -_- he was a relationship wrecker and I hate him but yah I don't think you're in that deep yet try to find other girls to have a good time. =P do what guys do best XD XD XD lol but yah moving in is a bad idea though. Hope everything works out

[Ryan3229]

Thank you all - yes, I think it is probably time to find a girlfriend and I think that should do the trick. I know I need to find a way to get away from them from time to time as well. Unfortunately, the lease is already signed, so I'm going to be stuck with them for a year.

Regardless of temptation, I would NEVER betray my friend. I don't think I could live with myself if I did. And despite what liz28 seemingly thinks, I have never done anything with Stephanie and have actually never hung out with her at any time when Kyle wasn't there as well. I don't view being invited over their house to hang out and then him going to bed early, leaving only Stephanie and I awake as a "betrayal". I just don't understand why she wants to keep it secret from him - I wouldn't have any problem telling him myself.

To plonak's point, I completely agree with plonak's point that when you know you can't have something, subconsciously you want it more. Because I'm an outsider in their relationship, I view both of them in only a positive light. I completely ignore the things about her that wouldn't mesh well with me. She just seems like the perfect girl and it helps feed my jealously. That jealously has turned completely to guilt at this point, and I need to resolve this issue. I have to live with them regardless, so it is probably time for me to find a girlfriend so I can treat both Kyle and Stephanie as they deserve to be treated...

[artlady]

Thank you all - yes, I think it is probably time to find a girlfriend and I think that should do the trick. I know I need to find a way to get away from them from time to time as well. Unfortunately, the lease is already signed, so I'm going to be stuck with them for a year.

Remember,it is not a threesome.Three is a crowd for a reason.

Your inability to be alone with her will be clearly jeopardized when you live together so you have to be prepared for that.

[Ryan3229]

I do agree that three is a crowd, but I wouldn't say I have an inability to be alone with her. Granted I have a crush on her, but I view her as a great friend as well. In my eyes, she was a friend long before she was a crush.

I would never act on my feelings anyway - but you are correct in saying that I have to be prepared for a lot more alone time. It's a tricky situation for sure.

Anyway, thanks again for all your help. Keeping this bottled up inside was killing me.

[artlady]

I do agree that three is a crowd, but I wouldn't say I have an inability to be alone with her. Granted I have a crush on her, but I view her as a great friend as well. In my eyes, she was a friend long before she was a crush.

I would never act on my feelings anyway - but you are correct in saying that I have to be prepared for a lot more alone time. It's a tricky situation for sure.

Anyway, thanks again for all your help. Keeping this bottled up inside was killing me.

Good luck! I hope you find some amazing girl who takes your mind off what is not available.I hope your roomie will not be jealous but she most likely will and not like her.
People can be so controlling and dominant of their friends.
I knew him first,childish mindset.Be prepared ;)