[survivorboi]

One of my relative is a very abusive person. I'm from another country, when I was 8, I was sent to USA to live with my relatives. My family is still in my home country. I lived with 3 of my relatives, but 2 doesn't really take care of me much. But the 3rd relatives (I don't want to use their name or something, so I'm calling them relatives) likes me. He buys things for me, knows what's good and bad, take me to places. He is really fun. But he has a problem, he gets mad VERY easy. At LITTLE things. Lets say he's buying me a new jean (true story), and he asked me how I like it. I said, "I think it's kind of small, I wouldn't be able to wear it for long, I grow fast". He would get REALLY mad, saying "I'm buying this for you, you haven't even say thank you and you're already complaining". He would curse at me, calling me names for usually the rest of the day. Something as small as that REALLY ruins my day. And if you think I'm not upset by it, I cry a lot of times. I miss my parents a lot. But being cursed at, yelled at, and sometimes hit at, makes me miss them more. He would also hit me, in the face. I'm not going there though.


3 years later, my family came to the USA. I was very happy, but secretly, I was happy I'm not going to be bullied around by him anymore. But no. He moved to another apartment recently, but every 3 weeks or so, he would take me to take a haircut because I don't like the haircut my parents get me. As soon as I get in the car, he would start questioning me. He would look at my hair and say why is it so messy. It's really not. He would start cursing about how he spent his time to get me a haircut and all, but it seems that I don't take care of it. To me, my hair is fine. It just got long, and the wind kind of blow it up. He would curse, calling me @ssh0le, and more.


So now, I really want to stay away from him. But he calls my about once a week asking me to go places with him. He doesn't have a job so he's got LOTS of time. I really don't want to go, so I start politely saying no, making some excuses because I really don't have enough courage to tell him the truth. After hearing it, he would get mad and start saying stuff like "You always inside, your face is getting fatter and fatter" and things like that.


I've been very polite and persistence to him. But he's gotten out of control. I want to speak up to him real bad, but every time he calls, I would have knots in my stomach and start talking very quiet and stuttering.


I really want to know how to stop feeling anxious and nervous and really speak up. I know it's emotional issues, but I can't take it anymore.

One of the reasons I'm afraid to speak up to him is that he's done quite a lot for me. He's abused me. But he's done a lot in the past. Not anymore, because he just gets me a haircut once every 3 weeks. That's why I have trouble speaking up to him, because I know if I do successfully gather my courage and speak up, it's going to be rude. I'm afraid he's going to bring up things like, I've done so much for you and you're not thankful for it or something like that.

PLEASE HELP

P.S. HE NOT ONLY CURSES AT ME AND MY SISTER, BUT MY PARENTS, HIS PARENTS, AND MOST OF OUR RELATIVES AS WELL (I THINK HE HAS BIPOLAR)

[Bengie_1961]

I feel your pain and know that it is difficult for you. Being from another culture myself, I know that some behaviors are accepted and tolerated in that particular culture. Know that it is not you with the problem but your relative. Since he is so abusive, I don't suggest approaching him with any negative response. This is a serious situation and needs to be handeled delicately. I don't know your age, but I do know that you need professional assistance in removing you from this situation. Since he's so abusive, you don't know what his reaction may be to your words. As it stands, you don't have to do or say anything to him to get him hot & bothered. You can't change him or fix him, and I won't suggest you try. You really need to work on your own sanity.

[0rphan]

Hi survivorboi... you really need to confide in someone, do you have someone you can talk too?

You donot state your age, but I am guessing that you are still of school age ( apologies if I am wrong) is there a teacher that you could speak too.. trust, confide in, who would be prepared to lend you a listening ear?

If you feel that you could not possibly relay this information accurately in person, maybe a good idea would be to put everything down on paper... a bit like you have done for us on this site, then give it to them asking them to read the contents and possibly offer you some advice... ie. What to do next, where do you go from here...

You cannot possibly be expected to live under these conditions nor should you,there has to be somebody or somewhere that you can go to sort this problem once and for all.

Do you have a child line or help line that you could maybe talk with even if it's anonymously, at least they would give you some advice.

I am very surprised that another member of the family has not stood up to him, they can obviously see what is going on.

I think you have to refuse any contact with this person until he can sort himself out... he is the cause of your anxiety and it has to stop...

When asked by others why you refuse to go with him, you must have the courage to be truthful and say the reasons... remember that he won't be around when you explain your reasons so speak up and don't be afraid.

Could you return to your parents or maybe stay elsewhere.
I am sure if they really new how it was, they may consider having you back home.
At the end of the day you have nothing to loose by speaking up, please donot let this continue speak to somebody...

Takecare

[survivorboi]

Yes, sorry for the lack of details. I'm 13, he's 40 (yeah, I know, I'll probably get beat up if I talk back). I'm too a little mad because since he's cursed out my parents, his parents, and most of my relatives, and nobody spoke up. Everybody in my relative knows that I don't like him, I never really expressed that much though. I just say, oh, well I don't feel like going with him because he's mean, or something like that. And yes, he is very disrespectful.


Another things is, I can't really get away from him... He calls me like, once a week. I really long to tell him to just leave me alone, but I haven't got the courage to (that's why I asked in the first place). He would call me, sometimes happy, sometimes cursing at me. I HATE to be kicked around like that, I have expectations to everybody how to treat me. I have the courage to talk back to my parents (not disrespecting, but you know), but for some reason, not him. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO! I'm telling you, I want to give him a piece of my mind, for all the abusive things he's done. I don't really care that he's done a lot for me, I don't like being treated this way, even if he's my parents.

[survivorboi]

One more thing, every time I talk to him, my voice tone would become very weak and echo-ie. It's not as strong and concentrate as it naturally is, and it makes me feel very weak and nervous. And when I try to talk back, I would stutter and run out of things to say. I normally have a very commanding voice (from my friends and family) and I usually talk from my heart. But around him, my voice change, my reaction to things change, mostly everything change. I don't sound as strong and determined as I would be, why?

Please give advice to this. Thanks