[MidnightBlue]

Hello, this is my first post here. I'm having a hard time getting over the breakup with my boyfriend of 2 yrs. We had a good relationship, had fun with each other, etc. 8 months. Ago he decided to move out of state and accepted a new job and wanted me to move with him as soon as I could find a job there. I was in the midst of selling my condo and getting a divorce. He wanted me to do all that after I moved and I said no, that I needed to take care of things before moving on. Saw him when we both were able to, maybe 5 times since he moved. About a month or so ago he seemed more distant, then recently made statements that it's not working, we can't be in a long distant relationship forever, etc. We used to talk just about every night, then he stated turning off his cell phone on some nights. I called him and said, 'so you didn't want to talk to me again last night', and then I asked if he was *'ing around and he said Yes, and hung up! Then he e-mailed me that I had my chance to move down there and as usual I didn't even try (not true) and he said I could 'do all that' from down there (get the divorce) and it's ironic that my husband is doing it from Texas (he had divorce papers drawn up, which we agreed on) and that I have no one to blame but myself. Goodbye'
That's how he ended it and I haven't responded and he hasn't contacted me either. It's been 8 long days and I'm trying to get over how he has treated me. My head says, don't even shed another tear for that *sshole but my heart still hurts.

[Krs]

Yes it's a common factor that the heart is weak compared to our head. Its best in some instances to listen to our head and slowly slowly the process of healing happens sometimes without us noticing.

8 days is still fresh, of course you are going to hurt, but believe me when I say time does heal.

[valinors_sorrow]

That you can't get over him that quickly actually speaks well of you since a fast recovery means you don't take this stuff seriously. Please know that this is a significant loss you have experienced, much like a death would be. The duration of the grief period differs from person to person but the process of grieving is very similar for each of us. Allow that you are grieving and that grief makes you fragile. This is a time to be extra careful with yourself. You might want to look at a few books about grieving too, and talk to your friends too-- those who have experienced it will undoubtedly have some interesting things to say. And read through some of the posts here about breakups to find examples of what to do and not do. My condolences for your loss, Midnight and take it easy for a while, slow and easy, okay?

[MidnightBlue]

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I am taking it easy as best I can. It just really hurts and it's disturbing that someone can be so mean and hurtful and then blame the other person because they might feel guilty for doing something wrong, like hooking up with someone else without talking about it first. I mean, just the decency to talk to me, not hang up on me, and then e-mail me to break up!!

[YeloDasy]

Do you think he is hurt that you chose to make a decision based on your ex rather than your future with him? Then when he acts distant, you accuse him of cheating? It doesn't really matter... you had your reasons that you don't need to explain to us... but just know that sometimes our decisions have consequences.


And it doesn't sound like you really know what is going on... he could have just said yes he is messing around out of hurt or rejection... or he could be doing it. You don't know. But right now he doesn't think that it is working the way it is, so you have 2 choices, move there or break up. And you made your choice not to move. Don't worry about what is going on over there... worry about taking care of your life that you stayed to do... that was your priority, so take care of it. Let him go if he wants to go...

For your loss, I am sorry... you need someone who is accepting and supportive of your goals and what is going on in your life. Keep thinking that. If he doesn't want to end things the mature way, then that will be on his shoulders. You could wait some time then email him back and say how you are feeling about the way it ended, but then let it go.

Hope that helps... you seem to be strong and doing the right thing so far!

[MidnightBlue]

Thank you again for the replies. Just more info, the condo was sold in June and my soon 2b ex-husband sent divorce papers a few weeks later to me. I wanted to get these things done before moving with the boyfriend, but I guess he didn't want to wait. So I made the choice not to move but planned on moving when that was take care of. It would've been too much for me to handle... selling condo, divorce, moving to new state with boyfriend, new job... too much stress. Thought he would understand but he said I had no intention of moving, Not true! But I did want more time to be sure that's what would be good for me. I'm trying not to think about what's going on with him but I seem to be obsessing about it. The phone hang up and e-mail happened at work and I ended up a big crying mess (hate when that happens). Luckily my co-workers were understanding and supportive. I guess time will tell and will heal. I am in counseling and was told that maybe down the line, depending on how I feel, I could write him, like you say Yelo.

[YeloDasy]

Well, good for you knowing what is best for you... not everyone will always agree. And getting help through this time is a great idea... Keep us posted! Just be patient with your grieving! IT will get easier. :)

[s_cianci]

Unfortunately long distance relationships rarely work. Sure he wanted you to move with him but what adjustments was he willing to make for you? Did he have to take that new job in a new state right then and there? Obviously you can't just pack up with your old life and instantly move to a new location, etc. etc. Especially when going through a divorce, which brings me to my second point. Not even being legally divorced yet, are you really ready for a whole new relationship? I think that right now you need some time to heal ; I don't honestly believe you're ready to give yourself wholeheartedly to someone entirely new and won't be for a while. All things considered I wouldn't fret too much about this relationship coming to an end as that's what was bound to happen anyhow.

[MidnightBlue]

Thank you s-c. What you say has brought me back to center. I have some internal work to do regarding feelings of loneliness and always needing a man in my life. Ever since I started dating back in high school I was rarely not in a relationship, and I've been married for 18 yrs. I definitely have to heal from getting divorced, it's not even final yet. I let myself get involved with the now ex-bf, and could be one reason to not deal with my separation. Not proud of that fact, but he was filling a need, but I must have been filling a need in him too. How can I feel comfortable and happy living and being by myself?

[YeloDasy]

Get to know yourself... relearn what you like, how you think, how you feel, what makes you smile, what makes you happy... what makes you sad and what makes you scared...

So when Mr. right comes along, you will have YOU to offer... and you will know who that is! :)

[valinors_sorrow]

You need some girlfriends, preferably ones who are single themselves to show you... to model what a happy single life looks like in real life.

[MidnightBlue]

Thank you Yelo! Makes perfect sense!

[MidnightBlue]

And Thank you Val! Need to find some good role models...

[MidnightBlue]

I've been wanting to contact the ex-bf so badly, I think because of how sudden everything ended and the fact that he was so mean about it. I think I'm looking for closure and maybe peace between us. Should I even bother and not make contact?

[valinors_sorrow]

I've been wanting to contact the ex-bf so badly, I think because of how sudden everything ended and the fact that he was so mean about it. I think I'm looking for closure and maybe peace between us. Should I even bother and not make contact?

Be really frank with yourself and know that its seldom about "closure" that anyone contacts someone who essentially slammed the door in their face. You are powerless over him and how he ended it. If you need a second helping to get that, so be it. Just don't be surprised if you get more of the same, okay?

[Krs]

Im definitley with Val on this one.

[K_3]

Be sure he is really who you want. It sounds as though you are lonely and he will still fill the void. If he were really a "keeper" and loved you he would have been there for you and understood. You are the one who knows him. Think hard about what he is really like, not what you want him to be, or the good part of him. See the whole man and decide if he is worth leaving your present job and life for.

[MidnightBlue]

But we had a 2 yr relationship! He had said before all this went down that he wanted to be friends 'before we get mad at each other'. This was when he was trying to let me know slowly that he 'didn't blame me for not wanting to move down there and leave my secure job, family and friends.' But that's because he found someone new I guess. I said 'why do you want to be friends with me?' He sounded upset and said 'you mean we'd never talk again?' And I said 'well, I can't get over you if I'm talking with you'.

[K_3]

How long were you and your husband separated? Is this relationship part of the reason for your divorce?

[MidnightBlue]

Separated 2.5 yrs. divorce is almost final. No, not the reason, but it was a factor in my moving out. I'd been very unhappy in my marriage for around 10 yrs or more, married 18 yrs.