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valinors_sorrow · Sep 4, 2006, 09:37 AM

Wait a minute... I am confused... are you two coming apart or going back together? It needs to be one or the other since something in between is 100% guaranteed to get someone hurt, really hurt.

rockne · Sep 4, 2006, 09:53 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Wait a minute... I am confused.... are you two coming apart or going back together? It needs to be one or the other since something in between is 100% guaranteed to get someone hurt, really hurt.

Well, for about 6 months we were moving apart, now that we are not living together I'M starting to have second thoughts. My goal is for no one to get hurt anymore, that is why I'm trying SO hard to get along perfect with her.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 4, 2006, 11:28 AM

Remember there is no guarantees. Going back and forth. Yes and No. Not sure am sure. Will cause a lot of hurt. Eighther you want to get together and make it work like Val said. Or you make the decision to back away and stay away. Remember though unlike the first time marriage is a life time commitement. You do not have to get along perfectly. Pretending that everything is perfect all the time and holding things in and not clearing up things when things do get emotional or heated will just eventually blow up in your face as well.

No such thing as perfect. A lot of people expect things to be perfect all the time and when they are not that is when some of them walk away. Too many people now a days expect things to be perfect. There is not such thing and if you think that will solve your issue or her issue or both of you together it will not.

It is communication, The communication is so important. Whether you like certain things you do not. You agree or you do not. Whether your upset or not. Being able to listen to the other person. Hear what they are feeling and saying and really hear them.

You also need to learn how to cope with disagreements. Arguments, and everything between. If you can not handle things now. How are you going to handle being with somebody again.

GIVE AND TAKE. NOT GIVING ALL THE TIME, AND NOT TAKING ALL THE TIME. BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER IF THIS MIGHT WORK, needs this understanding. Everything goes both ways. If there is too much of one or the other there will be resentment.

Anyway, I know you have received lots of advice from different people. I hope it helps you in a way that works for you for your best interest and for your ex, best interest.

Joe

rockne · Sep 4, 2006, 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Anyway, I know you have received lots of advice from different people. I hope it helps you in a way that works for you for your best interest and for your ex, best interest.

Joe

Thank You!

Wildcat21 · Sep 5, 2006, 12:14 PM

" she's very good at having a completely different feeling the next day." Welcome to all women.

I think you need to really figure out why you felt that way during the marriage.

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. - Always and forever. You don't have her, so you want her.

Marriage counseling is only good IF you sit down for HOURS and talk about it. Work through it.

1 year is not a marriage. You bailed.

1. I think you got married way too young.

2. I have a strong feeling you never listened to her. I mean really listened to her.

rockne · Sep 5, 2006, 02:07 PM

She has given her number to some guy that lives near her. He hasn't called her and I didn't make a big deal about it. Even though I'm not happy about it I didn't want to come off as controlling.

So the other day I met a couple women at the gym, completely harmless. She found out about it during our phone call last evening and 5 minutes later out of no where she invited me over. We had a great couple hours watching TV. She's the one that's been saying she didn't want to hang out much anymore??

Today she says she wants both of us to see what's out there. She says we can date other people but not tell the other person so we don't get hurt. I'm not a big fan of this agreement because I think if either of us date anyone it will end bad for us. I also found out that she has been telling people we are officially divorced; I'm assuming it's because she want's attention from the opposite sex.

I've been making huge efforts to treat her like she deserves to be treated. We're getting along MUCH better the last week or so. We'll see, this is a big mess and I blame myself for getting into it.

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

"

1 year is not a marriage. You bailed.

1. I think you got married way too young.

2. I have a strong feeling yu never listened to her. I mean really listened to her.

I agree, I bailed too early. Now I think it was a mistake and I'm not really sure why. I thought we got married at a pretty average age, we dated for many many years and got married in our mid 20's.

Wildcat21 · Sep 5, 2006, 02:21 PM

No guy is ready to get maerried until he in his 30's.

I believe marriages between 18 and 24 there is an almost 80% chance of divorce.

Women aren't ready until 26 or 27 at least.

Next time you two get together - listen to her... really let HER talk. This isn't about you.

Wildcat21 · Sep 5, 2006, 02:41 PM

I ALSO think you're settingyurself up with BIG HEARTACHE by staying in contact with her while she is free to date - I would never do that.

Dude - I'd say you're done with her and she's just playing nice... she wouldn't tell you she is dating other wise.

Just giving you a huge warning.

rockne · Sep 5, 2006, 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I ALSO think you're settingyurself up with BIG HEARTACHE by staying in contact with her while she is free to date - I would never do that.

Dude - I'd say you're done with her and she's just playing nice....she wouldn't tell you she is dating other wise.

Just giving you a huge warning.

Thanks for the advise. She hasn't dated yet. She still has strong feelings for me, I can tell when I'm around her. She says she want's to date because she want's to see how other people treat her. She told me I have to win her back.

rockne · Sep 5, 2006, 08:03 PM

She called tonight and we talked for over an hour (we normally only talk for about 15 minutes each night). It was a really good conversation. She even invited me over for dinner. I can tell the effort I've put in is paying off. Little by little I can tell she is realizing I'm making an effort, but she still wants to not see me very often and continue to hang out with her new friends every night and have fun.

Wildcat21 · Sep 6, 2006, 09:28 AM

Well, show the new you. Good for you.

I'd eve napologise if you want her back and tell you will try.

Wildcat21 · Sep 6, 2006, 09:28 AM

IF a woman want to be with you - she will make it easy.

rockne · Sep 6, 2006, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Well, show the new you. Good for you.

I'd eve napologise if you want her back and tell you will try.

I have apologized many times and told her I realize the mistakes I've made and time will show that I'm working on them, she's mentioned she could tell I'm trying. Last week she didn't even want to talk to me, now when she calls I can tell she actually enjoys the conversations.

My only worry is, why was I so unhappy being married?? I'm struggling to figure this out. The last thing I want to do is for her to decide she wants me back then for me to end up with the same issues. I simply cannot and do not want to put her through any more drama, she doesn't deserve that.

ilovcali · Sep 6, 2006, 10:47 AM

I personally think, if you don't really know the answer to question you posed, you're not ready to be with her yet. Because you cannot get back into that relationship, without addressing what caused you to push her away in the first place.

You should find the answer to that question, before you get back with her. Otherwise, you'll neglect answering it, and the same results may transpire.

Mopar Dewd · Sep 6, 2006, 10:51 AM

Hey man, I just joined this site and this is honeslty the first thread I came across... I probably won't throw too much advice out because I don't have a lot of experience myself... but I did want to let you know that I feel for you and glad to see there's people here helping you out...

If there was any advice I could give I guess it would be to always keep communication open and to be honest to her and yourself... I'll leave the rest up to Wildcat21.

Wildcat21 · Sep 6, 2006, 11:46 AM

I do think you married too young - that's the first thing.

It was a new experience and expectations. Things change when you marry - a lot changes. New experience and not everything is pleasant.

rockne · Sep 6, 2006, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by ilovcali

I personally think, if you don't really know the answer to question you posed, you're not ready to be with her yet. Because you cannot get back into that relationship, without addressing what caused you to push her away in the first place.

I agree completely, but it's hard for me not to try and get her back when I miss her this much.

rockne · Sep 6, 2006, 12:16 PM

I was supposed to go over there for dinner tonight. She just called and said she's not ready to start cooking me dinner, so instead I'm going over there after dinner to watch TV. We'll see if she calls back and cancels the entire evening. Women are complicated and hard to figure out??

Wildcat21 · Sep 6, 2006, 12:52 PM

Ya think? Maybe this is part of the problem... was she flakey like this during the marriage?

Take her out to dinner.

rockne · Sep 6, 2006, 01:07 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Ya think? Maybe this is part of the problem....was she flakey like this during the marriage?

Take her out to dinner.

She created a lot drama but wasn't really "flakey". I'm obviously not a female and clearly don't understand what goes on in there heads, but there should be no more drama in our situation. I've treated her perfect since we separated and promised her I'll always treat her this way, and I mean it. I think it got to a point where she was trying to forget about me and move on, then all of a sudden I changed and she doesn't really know how to handle it.

If she doesn't feel comfortable making me dinner at home there's no way she'll go out for dinner with me. She says it reminds her of when we were together.