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JoeCanada76 · Sep 1, 2006, 07:50 AM

I would just like to say that, a lot of people now a days take the easy way out. Why did you take the easy way out? There is ups and downs. Periods of good times and bad times and as a couple you both needed to work together to work through it and you did not bother. You did it to yourself. I am not judging you just stating the facts. You put yourself through this and now you are going to have to deal with your decisions. So you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communications open with your ex wife.

Joe

rockne · Sep 1, 2006, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I would just like to say that, a lot of people now a days take the easy way out. Why did you take the easy way out? There is ups and downs. Periods of good times and bad times and as a couple you both needed to work together to work through it and you did not bother. You did it to yourself. I am not judging you just stating the facts. You put yourself through this and now you are going to have to deal with your decisions. So you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communications open with your ex wife.

Joe

We were married for a year, went to counselling for 8 months; we definitely didn't give up and take the easy way out.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 1, 2006, 10:05 AM

Yes, you did. You said you initiated the divorce. You are just unhappy. You do not even give any valid reasons for divorce.

Joe

rockne · Sep 1, 2006, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Yes, you did. You said you initiated the divorce. You are just unhappy. You do not even give any valid reasons for divorce.

Joe

I see where your coming from, but it's hard to put into words. I was simply extremely unhappy and couldn't figure out why. I was OK when I was with my friends and family?? She was unhappy as well.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 1, 2006, 10:58 AM

I am glad you understand where I am coming from. Marriage is a serious commitement and that means going through everything with your partner all the ups and all the downs and working through things. Maybe it is commitement phobia because you said it did not start until you were married. I am not trying to sound nasty, I am just letting you know the way I see things from my end just reading your story. I hope you appreciate my opinion.

Joe

s_cianci · Sep 1, 2006, 03:52 PM

Often it takes a while for things to really "sink in" after a traumatic loss. Like with the death of a close family member. Sure, a lot of tears may be shed at the funeral, but as I'm sure you know, the real grieving takes place after the funeral and all of the "hub-bub" surrounding it has died down (no pun intended lol.) It sounds like you're experiencing a similar phenomenon. At this point I'd just advise you to "ride out the storm." Know that it'll take a while to get over things but you'll be all the better off once you do. If your physical symptoms seem to persist or worsen you may want to talk with your doctor about a possible temporary regimen of low-dose anti-anxiety medication. Just be very careful, however, as dependence and subsequent "rebound" effects can occur and you don't want to fall into that trap.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 1, 2006, 04:21 PM

Originally Posted by rockne

We were married for a year, went to counselling for 8 months; we definitely didn't give up and take the easy way out.

My first marriage was exactly like that, and it took me a long time to regain my ability to be in a serious relationship. There were other mitigating factors in it that slowed my recovery but all relationship failure takes an amazing toll on people. Be easy with yourself and let the grieving process happen.

rockne · Sep 3, 2006, 01:39 PM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

My first marriage was exactly like that, and it took me a long time to regain my ability to be in a serious relationship. There were other mitigating factors in it that slowed my recovery but all relationship failure takes an amazing toll on people. Be easy with yourself and let the grieving process happen.

I can't figure out whether what I'm feeling is because I'm grieving, or because I realize what I lost and want it back. I don't know the difference. I speak to her every day or so (don't really see her much) and about half of the time she's positive and the other half she's not. She keeps saying "Your treating me great now but how do I know you won't switch back". I don't have an answer for that.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 3, 2006, 03:07 PM

Until you have some answers for the unhappiness you felt and to whether you'll switch back to, I presume, treating her poorly... you can't really consider yourself a candidate for a reconciliation, frankly. Someone here once said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Remind yourself when you think you are wanting it back that THAT means you want to be unhappy, really. Otherwise you are doing a good job at lying to yourself.

To be sure, you are experiencing grief. I would not make any major decisions for a while, like a year. People are really that fragile afterwards. If you cannot see yourself alone for a year, then that may be part of the problem and that is a whole other topic.

rockne · Sep 3, 2006, 09:02 PM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Until you have some answers for the unhappiness you felt and to whether you'll switch back to, I presume, treating her poorly... you can't really consider yourself a candidate for a reconciliation, frankly. Someone here once said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Remind yourself when you think you are wanting it back that THAT means you want to be unhappy, really. Otherwise you are doing a good job at lying to yourself.

To be sure, you are experiencing grief. I would not make any major decisions for a while, like a year. People are really that fragile afterwards. If you cannot see yourself alone for a year, then that may be part of the problem and that is a whole other topic.

I definitely don't want to be unhappy anymore.

Tonight she said she has lost a lot of her feelings for me because for several months I was distant and not loving (but still nice, respectful, etc... ); she thought I didn't care about her. I really don't know what I could do to show her that's not true. I've recognized my mistakes and have been treating her like a queen for the past several weeks. It may just be too late, I'm not sure what I could do for her to gain those feelings back.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 4, 2006, 05:29 AM

Originally Posted by rockne

I definitely don't want to be unhappy anymore.

Tonight she said she has lost a lot of her feelings for me because for several months I was distant and not loving (but still nice, respectful, ect....); she thought I didn't care about her. I really don't know what I could do to show her that's not true. I've recognized my mistakes and have been treating her like a queen for the past several weeks. It may just be too late, I'm not sure what I could do for her to gain those feelings back.

She has to unlock the door from her side, not you and apparently she isn't. And I am glad to hear you aren't willing to suffer for love, because that IS NOT love requiring that! I am sensing also you two had some boundary issues -- problems identifying who's deal was who's, who did what, etc. and I would bet she is as disconnected from many of her feelings as you obviously are from yours.

Here is the bottom line: Get to know yourself. Get to know what you will and will not do or be involved with. Get to know your true strengths and weakenesses. If you find something you don't like about you, seek to change it. That bears repeating: If you find something you don't like about you, seek to change it. And come to a place where you really like yourself. Without all that well in hand, you are like a candle in the wind and a relationship always tends to be something of a gusty place. Not good!

Leave her be. You are divorced now and rehashing her part is not good while you are still hurt. Later, when you can be more objective about her, would be better. Now is the time to focus on you, to heal and to come to better understand yourself and slowly discover your part in this so you can correct what needs correcting and be better prepared for next time.

rockne · Sep 4, 2006, 07:14 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Leave her be. You are divorced now and rehashing her part is not good while you are still hurt. Later, when you can be more objective about her, would be better. Now is the time to focus on you, to heal and to come to better understand yourself and slowly discover your part in this so you can correct what needs correcting and be better prepared for next time.

I really appreciate your input.

By the way, the divorce is technically not final yet... I agree we should leave each other alone for a while, it's just really hard. My worry is one of us may meet someone else. If one of use is in another relationship that lasts more than a few dates it will be very hard to ever reconcile. That would add drama to the issues were already trying to fix.

I've thought about not communicating with her for a long period, but if she doesn't speak to me for weeks at a time I feel she may completely move on emotionally. Then there will be no chance... She always wanted me to give her flowers in the past, I wonder if now is a good time. I just don't want that to make her emotional.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 4, 2006, 07:21 AM

For all you know maybe she has already moved on? I understand what your saying though. You feel if you do nothing at all, then you could lose her for good. You feel that you want to do things that you did not do to try to make up for what you have not showed her. It is up to you personally if you feel it is right to start giving her flowers and other things. At the same time if you start pushing too much and start showing her to the extreme how much you want her back. Could definitely scare her or push her so far away that it could ruin any chanch of reconciling. You know her more then us. It will be a fine line that you need to tread. Do not back away completely but do not start showing up with gifts eighter.

That is my advice.

Joe

rockne · Sep 4, 2006, 07:46 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Do not back away completely but do not start showing up with gifts eighter.

That is my advice.

Joe

Thanks for the advise. She definitely hasn't moved on completely. I saw her a couple days ago and she was in an extremely good mood, very affectionate, etc... She even said she wanted to make dinner for me next week. However, when she doesn't see me for a few days and is hanging out with friends (who knows what there telling her?? ) she seems to get more distant. Then it seems that she is kind of depressed during half of our conversations.

The gifts wouldn't really be for the purpose of getting her back NOW. Simply to show her that I care and that she deserves them.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 4, 2006, 07:56 AM

How do you personally feel? What do you think she is going to think if you start showing up with gifts? Making dinner is good. Talking is important. I do not know what else to say. Except it is your decision on how you proceed with this.

Joe

rockne · Sep 4, 2006, 08:02 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

How do you personally feel? What do you think she is going to think if you start showing up with gifts? Making dinner is good. Talking is important. I do not know what else to say. Except it is your decision on how you proceed with this.

Joe

Well, I think she'll really appreciate any gifts I give her. Although, she's very good at having a completely different feeling the next day. I could send her flowers on a Wednesday, and she call and tell me she loved them and really appreciated it; then Thursday she'll act completely different. She can switch her personality more quick than anyone I know. She can literally say she loves you one day and the next day not?? It's frustrating because when you think you did something really good, it could all be forgotten the next day.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 4, 2006, 08:05 AM

Yeah, You answered your own question. So something that you think your doing good, might turn around on you and bite you in the ***.

rockne · Sep 4, 2006, 08:29 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Yeah, You answered your own question. So something that you think your doing good, might turn around on you and bite you in the ***.

That's right, BUT. If I don't do anything she will continue to think I don't care. Her many issue is that she thinks I'm a great person, but thinks I didn't show that I cared about her at all, she didn't fell loved. I feel so bad now about this, I never meant to hurt her. She definitely has a point, and I've come to realize my problem, even though it may be too late I really want to show her that I care. I just don't want her emotions to be like a "see saw".

JoeCanada76 · Sep 4, 2006, 08:34 AM

There are plenty of ways to show somebody you care. It does not have to be gifts. Although I guess that helps. Do you know how to cook a fancy meal? Can you write your thoughts on paper well. Small little notes. Or letters are good.

rockne · Sep 4, 2006, 09:12 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

There are plenty of ways to show somebody you care. It does not have to be gifts. Although I guess that helps. Do you know how to cook a fancy meal? Can you write your thoughts on paper well. Small little notes. Or letters are good.

I can't cook at all. I have left her little notes on her car at work, which she really appreciated. She is a person that LOVES gifts though, that's why I was thinking about getting her flowers.