[StillSearching]

2 1/2 years ago I love my wife. I know in this forum that's not an uncommon thing. I was mid 20's, had children and for a while felt completely lost. As if life had pulled the rug out from under me and I didn't see it coming. As a man one feels the need to hide emotion, I hate thinking someone knows I hurt. I hate knowing I don't have all the answers. For months, I blocked every memory of my wife and the years we spent together out of my mind as I didn't know how else to deal with pain and didn't want to hurt. Now I've remarried and my new wife is perfect. She is a good mother to my children, she is the best home maker, and she loves me.

I don't know how to still hurt. I know that I do, and I don't want anyone to know. I don't want help. I don't know how to ask for it without saying I need it. I don't want to hurt anyone else either. From time to time my daughter asked about her first mom and I know I'm not the only one who has questions and still misses her.

Saying I still miss another woman its easy to feel like I'm cheating on the wife I have now. I don't like that and I know its not what it is. She knows my life, was friends with my wife, and she is so perfect where she is concerned. She even had several pics of my oldest daughter and her mom framed to put on her wall she she'd not forget her.

There are days that I don't know what to do. I feel memories that have faded over these past few years and I hurt. I miss her, I know so many know this feeling. I don't want to quit missing her, as I still love her. And I know if I didn't miss her it would be because I forgot her and I couldn't do that.

So many people showed for the funeral to show their respect. How is it showing respect when she's gone? Showing it to the ones left behind? I ask because I want to show that I miss her, but not to anyone but her and I can't. I know there are so many questions that people ask about loved ones gone that can never be answered. I find it ironic that I ask for answers also. I ask strangers, and hope no one I know finds out that I still hurt and I still miss her.

I've posted and written these things several times but never actually submit them as writing this out sometimes helps me get through another day. I don't want to just get through them, and I don't want to hurt. But I don't know how to get where I want to go: That's past the pain, keeping the memories, and losing the fear of losing another.

Its so easy to focus on the bad, the loss, the fear and the pain. And its easy to feel like I'm belittling the good that I have in my life now by even considering and remembering the past and the pain. Someone who always talks negative appears to others to have a miserable life. I don't care what other think. But I'm unsure how to talk about these things to anyone without coming across as hating my life, especially to my family or new wife.

So I ask to those who've been through what I'm in, does it get easier? Easier to remember without being sad or mournful? Do you ever get past hiding it? And I'm sure I know the answer, but does it get easier to forget? I don't want to forget, but I know it happens... I forgot how she smelled until from time to time someone passes by wearing her perfume. I forgot so many little things, and I don't want to loose another memory. But the harshness of life is that's all she'll be to me from here on is my memories. All the more reason I want to hold on, as she's just my memory and I don't want to let "her" go...

[StillSearching]

2 1/2 years ago I love my wife.

I lost my wife...

[HistorianChick]

I lost my father four years ago. While this is not the same level of intense loss, I can empathize with your feelings.

I'm a very emotional person - great for the stage, they tell me - and you can see when I'm upset, hurt, angry, sad, happy, etc. That being said, when I'm missing my father, I don't really want anyone to know.

It has been four years and yes, it does get "easier." The pain is something that you learn to live with, something that becomes a part of you - not in a negative way, but something that aids your character and helps you appreciate those around you ever so much more.

One thing that I have done since my Dad started to get very sick with the cancer that took his life, is follow what I call The Ten Minute Rule. Every day there is a block of time (ten minutes) where I can do whatever I want in memory of my Dad.

When I first started doing it, it was the ten minutes I spent crying and weeping for the loss, recognizing that my life will never be the same, and just being sad. As time went on, I started to use those ten minutes to simply reflect on who my Dad was, special times that we shared, and priceless memories that warmed my heart.

Today, four years later, I still have those ten minutes. I don't have to use them every day, but I know that they are still there.

In the beginning, I would crave the time... hardly being able to last until they came. I'd get in my car (my ten minutes were on my drive home from work) and cry, yell, be mad and angry, anything I wanted for ten minutes. After those ten minutes were over, I fixed my hair, put my makeup back straight, dried my eyes, and went on into the rest of my day. The next day, same time, same place, I was at it again.

These days, I sing during those moments, I put on the songs that my Dad loved - the Beatles! :) - and I enjoy the priceless Dad-Daughter moments, over and over again.

I would propose to you that you do the same. It is OK to miss your wife. You loved her, you had a family with her, she was your world. It is perfectly understandable that you are not "over her" and that you still miss her. That shows the depth and verity of your love. I'm sure that your new wife would not spite you in the least for missing her.

Try my ten minute rule for a week. The most important part of the rule is that you only take ten minutes. It helps almost to prioritize your emotions, to reign them in, to allow them to "spill over" at the time when you need them.

Does this all make sense?

I guess, bottom line is: it does get "easier" because it becomes a part of you - a good part.

[JudyKayTee]

I am a widow. I find there are days when things are better but there are days when I am standing right back there, no changes, no difference.

I have recently started dating and I am very honest with people - I am not ready to move on. I have no problem with dinner, a casual relationship but I cannot commit in any fashion to someone else when I am still grieving my husband. I don't want to love anyone and I don't want anyone to love me.

I date but I still wear my rings because if I forget for one second - then what have I got left?

I don't think you want to hear this but as someone in your shoes I think you were unfair to your present wife - I don't know if you were very lonely, needed a "wife," needed someone to love you, needed a mother for your children - but you very obviously weren't ready to remarry and commit.

What do you do from here? I think you go to couples counselling because your second wife DESERVES to be happy and some part of her has to know your innermost feelings.

And, yes, my biggest concern is that if I stop remembering my husband for one second maybe everyone else will, too. And so I keep the flame going, even when the pain is so remarkable that I can barely breathe. So, yes, I honestly do know how it is.

This is not an easy road that our feet are on, through no fault of our own.

[StillSearching]

I don't know if you were very lonely, needed a "wife," needed someone to love you, needed a mother for your children - but you very obviously weren't ready to remarry and commit.

Name me one single person who wasn't lonely and needed someone to love them?

Show me a kid who doesn't need a mother?

These weren't the reasons that I got remarried, but they were definitely pluses.

I see people who spend SO much time lingering over loved ones past, my wife's mother for example. She dwells so much on a memory that she's missing her grand kids grow up. I didn't, and still don't, have the liberty to sit down and mourn. I know if I sat down and even go to the cemetery, I'd sit and cry and waste SO much time. I've cried, and still do. The idea of a "ten minute rule" for example sounds to be something I could try. But I know myself and I see other who mourn for years, and never get to a point of moving past it. My life isn't this pain, its not this mourning. But part of my life is missing someone I loved. Some days its harder to deal with missing her than other.

[HistorianChick]

I know if I sat down and even go to the cemetery, I'd sit and cry and waste SO much time. I've cried, and still do.

But, it's not a waste; it is part of the healing process. If you do not allow your mind and heart to process the loss, you will eventually have some sort of emotional, mental, or physical breakdown. Our psychies were not made to handle stress internally or bottle up our emotions. Ulcers, panic attacks, and the like are everyday occurrences. Just because you haven't had to deal with grief before, doesn't mean that you are any less prone to these types of physical symptoms of internal problems.

The idea of a "ten minute rule" for example sounds to be something I could try.

I strongly suggest it.

But I know myself and I see other who mourn for years, and never get to a point of moving past it.

And you will not be one of those people because, as you said, it is not you. You know that you are not the type of person to lose years of your life because of grief. But you MUST deal with it.

Avoidance isn't dealing with it.

My life isn't this pain, its not this mourning.

You're very correct. Your life is not wrapped up in this pain, but it is sensitive to your loss. If you do not mourn, how can you ever effectively and truly move on? If there is nothing to "move on" from, you cannot move past the problem.

Some days its harder to deal with missing her than other.

Of course they are. But the strength you gain from grieving, mourning, getting back up, and standing amidst the sorrow is what makes you a tower of strength for your children.

Your children need to know that it is OK to miss their Mother.

You will make it through this, but you must realize that all of what you think you are will possibly change. You have never had to deal with losing a mate before. It is how you handle yourself NOW that determines what you ARE.

We're here for you.

[JudyKayTee]

Name me one single person who wasn't lonely and needed someone to love them?

Show me a kid who doesn't need a mother?

These weren't the reasons that I got remarried, but they were definitely pluses.

I see people who spend SO much time lingering over loved ones past, my wife's mother for example. She dwells so much on a memory that she's missing her grand kids grow up. I didn't, and still don't, have the liberty to sit down and mourn. I know if I sat down and even go to the cemetery, I'd sit and cry and waste SO much time. I've cried, and still do. The idea of a "ten minute rule" for example sounds to be something i could try. But I know myself and I see other who mourn for years, and never get to a point of moving past it. My life isn't this pain, its not this mourning. But part of my life is missing someone I loved. Some days its harder to deal with missing her than other.

Well, you asked. Yes, I'm lonely. No, I don't "need" someone to love me. Someone did love me. I'm not settling for less and I'm not ready.

All kids need a mother - I just wouldn't want someone marrying me for the sake of a child when his heart is somewhere else.

The other part of this for me - and I'm being brutally honest - is that I can't at this point even think of having a sexual relationship with someone other than my husband. I'm sure that will change in time but that's a very good reason any type of serious relationship is simply out of the question for me.

You also have a disadvantage when it comes to mourning - you have remarried, you have another partner. I do not and so if I am having a difficult time I don't need to explain it to anyone.

I have no idea why you think sitting and crying, going to the cemetery, is wasting time - maybe you NEED to sit and cry and work it out. Maybe that's the problem.

Of course part of your life is missing. Part of my life is missing and always will be. The brutal truth is that for both of us life will NEVER be the same. Never. Otherwise I stand by my advice - I think you have to be fair to your second wife and that means working through your emotions using anything it takes.

[StillSearching]

Although I don't think I'm dishonest with my current wife I'll consider your suggestion of sharing and dealing with it together.

You say life will never be the same, My wife told me "I can sum what I know about life in 3 words, it goes on". My quote since she left has been "no one ever told me growing up would be so hard".

[JudyKayTee]

Although I don't think I'm dishonest with my current wife I'll consider your suggestion of sharing and dealing with it together.

You say life will never be the same, My wife told me "I can sum what I know about life in 3 words, it goes on". My quote since she left has been "no one ever told me growing up would be so hard".

And I never knew when I looked into my husband's eyes and promised that I would go on, that my life would go on, that I would find happiness again (and that I would take care of his dog - !) that those promises would be so very hard to keep.

And he also said to me that the most difficult part for him was that he would die as my husband but that he did not want me to die as his wife. Heartbreaking even now.

And what did I learn? Nothing lasts forever. Nothing at all.

I honestly am sorry for your great loss and wish I had words of wisdom for you. I honestly do.

[StillSearching]

I honestly am sorry for your great loss and wish I had words of wisdom for you. I honestly do.

x2

[JudyKayTee]

I've turned into a terrible insomniac since my husband died - which is why I'm "here" 24/7 - and last night I thought about this thread and wanted to add one more thought.

The fact that I'm not ready to move on TODAY doesn't mean I won't be ready to move on TOMORROW - and your level of grieving, how you feel, is probably the same.

It's a process and you just don't know how long it will take.

You HAVE moved ahead with your life and I think you have to come to terms with that and keep on moving ahead.

Just my additional two cents -

[StillSearching]

I have moved on but at a price I know. I choose long ago not to show any emotion where she is concerned. It caused my daughter to cry more. And I'm OK with her crying, but not because daddy is sad. She grieves in her own way and I support her in that. My former mother in law is stuck grieving and I hate to see her so sad. I don't want to add to it. But I know the price of it was forcing myself to forget, and that causes pain now.

I know the feeling of sleep loss, although those who know me would argue I don't. I fall asleep standing up if I'm not careful :) But I do have lots of restlest nights and loads of bad dreams.

15-18 months after my wife passed I had my first dream of her. She was dying and I left her. I know its just torture of my imagination, as I stayed by her side and never let go of her hand, I threw things at the door to get peoples attention just to keep from leaving her side. But I also know the feeling of restlessness. I think it comes from things being left unanswered and unfinished. Some nights I fall asleep before it hits me and I'm able to rest. My current wife does notice when I have bad dreams or am restless and I'm at a loss for an explanation to her.

I know in some ways I wasn't ready to move on. But I liken it to riding a bike. When I was young I wasn't ready to be let go and ride w/o wheels until I tried it and it worked. But before that point I tried and fell, over and again. I just kept trying until it was right and because of all the times I got back up and tried again I was "ready" finally. In dating I wasn't ever ready, and I had to make sure it was what was good, what I wanted and what I needed and then I let go. Somedays I was so scared I was making a big mistake but like easing into icy water, it is so much harder to walk in than it is to just jump. I am so thankful I made the right decision and its been one of the best things to ever happen to me. Not to say we don't have issues, but so did me and my first wife. I'm thankful that the issues we have are things other than our love for each other, and anything to do with either of our previous lives.

I missed marriage. I had a great one, and because of it I wanted another. I missed taking care of someone, spoiling someone, and occasionally smoothering someone with attention. I wanted a companion again, and I have it now. If I can figure out how to miss 1 without fear of the other knowing it will help. I don't want to hide it and I'm sure to some point I can't. I'm sure she knows. But its something she was never a part of then, and can't be a part of now in ways. I'd never want my wife "remember" a former lover, or someone she snuggled at night, or someone she went on vacations with in a way that showed she missed them. Sure they aren't the same but because of how I'd feel if she did, I won't put her through the same.

Today is a much better day. I can look at pictures and smile today. I can see my 2 kids she left and know how wonderful they are because of her help. And at the same time, I want to go home, see my wife and enjoy the life that I have now.

To you Judy: Even if no one else does, I can appreciate your missing him. I can see a quality in it. If you loved him so much and he was such a part of your life then, when you decide to love again that person would be getting a good thing. I don't know how to articulate what I'm trying to say other than if you love again like you did before, your significant other would be a lucky person. I see so many who would throw away a marriage or love for what seems like so little, its nice to see someone value what you had so high. Its refreshing to see someone still love even when its not easy, not convenient and in some cases not get a return...

One day before I remarried I went to a wedding of a friend. Their vows rang out to me "till the Lord seperates us by death". At that point I didn't feel married anymore. It hurt, and made feelings that I don't know how to type. But for days I kept thinking "We're not married anymore". At first it hurt, but the more it repeated in my head the more I came to terms with the fact that "She" was only a memory now. I wanted her to be more, my wife, my kids mother, my best friend again but those choices weren't for me to make. What I had to accept was she's a memory now and that's where I still keep her.

[JudyKayTee]

I worked the road today, 2-1/2 hours from home. I had nothing to do but drive and think. I don't even know your name but I thought about you all day long. I appreciate your honesty and the way you express your feelings and your heart.

For me, it's good to be able to put my feelings out and know you are hearing me. I hope I've served that some "purpose" for you.

[StillSearching]

Sometimes what we need is a sounding board. I know there are loads of people who'd listen to me, but when you reveal fears and emotions of loss its easy for people just see you as sad, weak, or depressed. I could tell my closest friend that I miss her, and I'm sure they'd say they were sorry. But the conversation usually goes to them trying to cheer me up...

As for you serving a purpose, that's kind of a harsh way to put it. Kind of like saying food served the purpose of making you not hungry. You have helped me get out some of this emotion that I know I keep bottled up and offer me another perspective from someone who has a knowledge of the matter. :)

[JudyKayTee]

You expressed it far better than I did - maybe "purpose" was a harsh word.

But we're in agreement on why we're both here and the benefits.

[StillSearching]

But we're in agreement on why we're both here and the benefits.

Very much so. :)

If you'd like, I'd be happy to email you sometime.

[JudyKayTee]

Very much so. :)

If you'd like, I'd be happy to email you sometime.

That would be very nice -

[troublemakerman]

I'm sorry for everyone's loss. I lost my wife, my life 2 months ago. We were together over 50 years, April we will be married 47 years. That day in the hospital after she passed I collapesd and they took me to the ER, they said I was OK, her heart gave out and mine broke. For the first time in 68 years I got a tattoo, a heart with her name in it. I loved her so much, I'm so lost without her. I'm dying slowly. At night I go to bed hoping she takes me and I won't wake in the morning. I have 3 grown kids they have there own family.

[StillSearching]

I'm sorry for everyone's loss. I lost my wife, my life 2 months ago. We were together over 50 years, April we will be married 47 years. That day in the hospital after she passed I collapesd and they took me to the ER, they said I was ok, her heart gave out and mine broke. For the first time in 68 years I got a tattoo, a heart with her name in it. I loved her so much, I'm so lost without her. I'm dying slowly. At night I go to bed hoping she takes me and I won't wake in the morning. I have 3 grown kids they have there own family.

I'm so sorry you lost her. I truly believe that when two are together and share that much of life, they are half of the other person. I believe that you lost off your being with her and the thing that the majority of your life revolved around. I also believe that a person who's lost half can still continue on. We'll never be the same but that's not a bad thing. I can't imagine my life had I not had her, and I don't want to. The pain of loss hurts so bad some times but I try so hard to JUST remember the good times, and make myself smile by remembering what we had, how beautiful she was and let my mind roll back to a place where I was just a moment ago it seems.

I can promise you that the world wouldn't be a better place with you gone. If you are even half the father a person should be, I'm sure your kids (grown on not) would agree that you belong her for now. Death comes too soon it seems. I know for mine it sure seemed to sneak up much faster than I wanted. I'm also sure if you have loved ones, they aren't ready for you to go as well.

I also can't imagine the pain of lossing someone that I've spent 50 years with. My six flew by, but was the majority of my "grown up" life. Whether it's a few days, or a decade I believe a loved one lost hurts in ways that can't be measured.

"So lost without her" you said... for days I wondered around not knowing much more than my name and how to hurt. I wanted so bad for the world to stop, and let me catch my breath as it just knocked it out of me. I honestly can't remember much from the first few months after she passed. She left me a daughter just a few hours old and looking back I missed so much of her life as I wasn't myself, wasn't aware of life continuing on, and couldn't think of anything besides my loss.

Yes I know I posted this question and am still looking for advice on how to make this mourning easier for my flesh. But I see you hurt just like we all do, or have. I promise you that if you'll hang on you'll once again learn to breath, taste, smell, see beauty, sleep, and live life without the blinding pain of a memory... I also know what its like to not want to do those things with a memory and want instead to just go back to like it was. Regret will kill you... Don't let it. I preach these things to you as much as to myself. Life does go on, and the horrid thing of it all is at times you just want to stop, go back and relive it again. Lessons learned I know, but sometimes I feel we learn this too late. Believe me when I say it will be worth it after all. Continue to live life, search for a purpose and you'll find something worth going on for. Soon enough, not matter how far away, she'll come take you as you put it.

People try so hard to put a positive spin on things, say things like "at least they aren't suffering" and "they're in a better place now". I know as I've said them myself before... not anymore. I know the feeling of not wanting them to be in this "better place" or to know now I much I suffer since they are gone. True love is one that'd lay down their life for a friend. A good spouse is a best friend. And I'm sure those who truly love would either have taken their place or never wanted them to make that journey alone...

So much of life we have no say in. Whether I want to believe it, see it, or even choose to know it, when it is raining outside I can't do a thing about it. My disbelief of the rain doesn't negate the fact that its wet. The fact that I don't want to admit she's gone won't bring her back and that's so harsh to me. The fact that I loved her, and miss her, and mourn for her do not change what has happened or how it happened. All we can do in life is react. These things come our way and yes through our actions we can make a difference in the outcome but that's all. Don't let your outcome be more people mourning for a loved one like you mourn for her. Keep them from that pain while you can.

The day came for me when I looked at my wife's picture and tears came, but tears of joy because of how happy she made me for years. The fact that I missed her has never changed and I'm sure never will. How I miss her, and how I deal with that missing changed every day.

I appreciate all those that have posted here. Its hard to find what I feel is honesty on the internet anymore. Its harder for me to open up and share. But here I have in ways my closest of friends have never heard... I know this life is worth it, and also that MY life is better because of her. I want to make sure those who love me feel the same way, that I made their life better because they knew me and loved me.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sorry for everyone's loss. I lost my wife, my life 2 months ago. We were together over 50 years, April we will be married 47 years. That day in the hospital after she passed I collapesd and they took me to the ER, they said I was ok, her heart gave out and mine broke. For the first time in 68 years I got a tattoo, a heart with her name in it. I loved her so much, I'm so lost without her. I'm dying slowly. At night I go to bed hoping she takes me and I won't wake in the morning. I have 3 grown kids they have there own family.

I am so sorry - so very sorry. There is just so much pain and suffering in the World. And, yes, I know what you mean about losing your life and hoping you won't wake up in the AM.

On one of my husband's last days - and I had held up for weeks and weeks - I finally broke down, put my head on his chest and asked him to take me with him, not to leave me alone. He could no longer hear me at that point (and of that I'm very sure) but I am still embarrassed that I did this - but sometimes the grief is overwhelming.

For a very long time I never looked beyond one day at a time - never. I woke up, went about my business, went to bed - and never looked beyond that one day.

Again, I'm so sorry.