Check out some similar questions!

CrazyThumper · Mar 15, 2009, 09:09 PM

Threads merged

I've been on this MSG board for awhile now.. reading, absorbing, trying to learn and understand.. so I figured it was about time to share my story.

I met my girlfriend when she was 19- I was 26.. (im now 31- she's 24) and trust me after two other long relationships with younger girls I was very worried to try again.. but she was 'different', and to this day she truly was. Anyway- I have my own place and had a roomate- and recently she really started pushing me to move in/take the next steps- not marriage but talk about the future, house, etc.. But I didn't want to talk about it. I felt I was not ready- I had Peter Pan syndrome and did not want to grow up. Her moving in I related to taking a huge step, almost as if... it was like marriage. Some people do not make a big deal of it, but I did. So.. I pushed her ideas away, and wouldn't even discuss it. Anyway- it kept coming up and eventually led to me basically saying "if you want to move in, set dates/timeslines for our future, etc im not the guy.. because I'm not ready for that".. and I really just didn't feel ready- having a roommate, I just wasn't. Well.. we broke up and here's where I summarize a lot. She wanted me back for months- I told her I REALLY wanted to think about it, because if we get back together that's it- we're getting married, moving in, buying a house, etc.. She ALWAYS knew I was 'the one' bla bla.. I didn't. So after she went crazy blowing up my phone, emails, etc.. She finally left me to clear my head. I realized during this time that I had everything in life- family, friends, job, house... I just needed her, and now was ready to spend my life with HER.

Well.. after 3 months of pushing her away cause I was trying to figure things out- when I tried to get her back- it was a no go. I had 'hurt her too badly'. Now in these 2-3 months I still saw her, emailed her, text her.. kept communication open. I never talked to another female, got phone numbers- nothing.. I NEVER once cared 'what was on the other side of the fence'. It was either her or no other... and she always felt the same. Well... this was 4 months ago and I've been trying to get her back since. I tried giving her space, talking to her family, etc. Her mom, brothers, friends, want me back with her- but I know she is not a robot- and the decision will come from her. I did all the reaching out to her, and she basically told me "I guess I gave up". Well.. to this day she continues to tell me "I just don't know what I want". She hasn't hung out with any other guys, gotten any numbers- she tells me "If I don't know what I want with the guy I've loved for 4 1/2 years.. im not trying to meet any new people". And I believe her. Anyone that has tried to talk to her she just says the same thing "I don't know what I want.." bla.. I guess it really sucks when you lose soemone, clear your head, and then want them back more then you ever had.. and want to become a better person because of it. I've read books, watched videos - "the secret" etc.. Anything to become even a better boyfriend if she ever came back. No I never cheated, lied, deceived her, nothing.. never physically hurt her- I just 'took too long to make up my mind' and then it was too late. I ran into her this weekend randomly and she still says the same thing "I dont know what I want.." as I stand in dis-belief still to this day that she won't give it another chance.

I have surely almost become self-destructive with work, the gym, eating, and sleeping. Just like everyone else who lost a love I staired at pictures night and day, prayed to god to bring her back, etc.. But nothing helps. I know to keep busy, try to focus on the things I enjoy doing- but at the end of the night I sit home, alone, and miss her. She hasn't given me even an ounce of hope, so I don't know why I am still in denial.. I guess it's because she just keeps saying "I just don't know what I want". I don't know... there are many details here and there but the bottom line is.. I pushed her away when she wanted to spend her life with me and move forward- and when I was ready to take those steps, it was too late... I have very supportive family and friends.. but it still hurts just as much today as it did 4 months ago. - we've now been broken up for 6-7 months total. She hasn't talked to anyone else and neither have I. I don't want to.. not even to socialize. I love her family, she loves mine, we've travelled the world together.. and now it's over. She is not a drinker, never cared about partying, isn't permiscuous etc.. I guess maybe she really did just get hurt, and gave up.. I know the advice will be to let her go, don't talk to her family/friends anymore, and if it's meant to be it will be.. and I'm trying to do that.. I really am. I know there is no time-lines on a broken heart, hers or mine.. but I guess maybe I had hoped she would have seen that besides this issue of taking the next step.. we had it all together.. and I truly was a really good boyfriend to her. I'm one of those people that believes in honestly no matter what, good values/morals.. and if I can't keep a promise I'll never make one..

Life sux.. thumper.

Neelie · Mar 16, 2009, 03:19 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this, obviously you know where you went wrong, and I guess she's just too frightened to go through all that pain again at the minute. There's really nothing I can add, maybe don't hassle her too much, give her a little space.
Really just wanted to say I'm sad for you :(

Romefalls19 · Mar 16, 2009, 05:32 AM

Sorry for your loss. Read the stickies at the top of the page and start NC and heal.

CrazyThumper · Mar 16, 2009, 06:05 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Sorry for your loss. Read the stickies at the top of the page and start NC and heal.

Romefalls-I've read all the stickies numerous times, and if it was as easy as that+NC I wouldn't have posted. It's not my first few weeks of trying to get over her, it's been 6 months apart :) Thanks though.

Romefalls19 · Mar 16, 2009, 06:11 AM

It's usually for every year together take 2 months, so the recovery is hard. How long have you been NC since the break up? Did you just start or has it been the whole 6 months?

CrazyThumper · Mar 16, 2009, 06:36 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

It's usually for every year together take 2 months, so the recovery is hard. How long have you been NC since the break up? Did you just start or has it been the whole 6 months?

Hi Romefallas- I have not been in complete NC for very long. (I ran into her this weekend when I was out). I mean, her family and I are close- I am friends with both her brothers, so it's hard. Her mother wants me with her, as do her brothers & friend. So it's like.. it never goes away. And her leaving it open by saying "I just don't know what I want right now" doesn't leave much closure for me. But I guess some people that you would ask, her saying that would be enough to just close the door and move on. But I pushed her away initially to take the time I needed, and I guess it's her turn now. The difference is she has made very limited to no contact with me, it's now me chasing her- when in all previous breakups it was always her chasing me. So I can not say I have tried NC completely. That would mean no more contact with her family, friends, her, etc.. This may be what I need to do now, since no matter what anyone else wants for me and her- she is the one to make the decision in the end.

Romefalls19 · Mar 16, 2009, 06:41 AM

Exactly, you are starting to see what needs to be done. It takes time, it's a huge adjustment. It's breaking an addiction

CrazyThumper · Mar 16, 2009, 07:51 PM

Bump for possible more responses :)

chuff · Mar 16, 2009, 08:36 PM

I'm not sure there's more we can add at this point. You now have to cut contact and bring your own focus back to you. This will not be easy, but that's the starting point. She's told you where she stands, so there is no need to continue in that direction. The more you do, the more pain it will bring.

talaniman · Mar 17, 2009, 07:42 AM

The guys are right, you have to make the choice of leaving her alone and healing before any progress can be made. That does mean leaving her and her family alone as they can only keep false hope alive, and doing other things with other people.

All your lacking is time, patients and balancing your life without her in it.

Sorry for your loss, but not being pushed into something your not ready for was a good move on your part for yourself, not a mistake.

The rest is the emotional fallout from a 4 year attachment, that has been broken. Maybe you can't see it now, but will be apparent AFTER you have been through the whole healing process.

No Contact, is the essential part, and includes her family. Your still a part of her life through them.

h_leann_b · Mar 17, 2009, 08:05 AM

I actually shed a tear reading this post. It's obvious you love this girl.

In my opinion something has to give. She can't tell you 'I don't know' forever. She needs to either say she wants you, or she doesn't. I don't think that you will be able to move on until that happens. Maybe you can start small and go for coffee, or see if she will go to dinner with you.

Either way, its torture just keeping you hanging on.

My best of luck to you!

CrazyThumper · Mar 17, 2009, 09:59 PM

Merged threads

Well.. if you don't know my story- girlfriend of 4 1/2 years lost her 6 months ago.. still love her to death. Anyway.. went to the gym tonight, friend of mine mentioned he now realized who my ex was, saw pictures of her on Facebook, etc.. Well about one exercise into my workout (mind you the gym is my ONLY thing I have been able to focus on) I lost my head. I had to leave. Just the thoughts of her our and about ,having fun, meeting new people, perhaps guys ate right through me. I ended up at the beach, alone, contemplating some bad stuff... called a few close friends.. chatted. I went to the bar, drank by myself (first time in my life ever doing this), and got completely wasted. Called a close friend who came and got me with his fiancé and dropped me off at my house with my car.

So now I sit here, as always hating life, alone and wanting it all to end. I want to wake up numb to all this and make it go away. I have evertyhing in life going for me- but NONE of it seems to matter anymore... friends, family, the gym, etc.. Nothing matters since I have nobody to share my love/heart with.

I really really.. hate life...
Thump..

DSM521 · Mar 17, 2009, 10:17 PM

Hang in there man it will get better in time. Listen you do not want to do anything to harm yourself. No woman is worth that. It is not easy getting over someone and I know you have heard all this before. Just know you can always come here to vent, it always made me feel better to put how I was feeling down and talk to others. I am sure you are loved too much by many many people to think about hurting yourself.

KatiePlce · Mar 17, 2009, 11:23 PM

Oh how I felt this SOO many times with my ex. I would feel fine for a week or two & pump myself up & at any given time I would just start thinking of him contantly, couldn't sleep nothing, shut out all friends family... but I hated seeing him MOVE ON & me THE ONLY ONE caring about how I wished we were still together screw that. If I didn't mean that much to the other person why do I put my life on hold when they don't give a crap?. Time will take its place just give yourself more time to get over it.

dooobi · Mar 17, 2009, 11:50 PM

Oh I totally agree with what other people are saying here. I am going through the same thing as you are. My 4 year relationship just ended also. I think of him constantly, we did everything together, but the only difference now is that he's not here doing those things with me anymore, he's doing it with another girl.

Just the thought of him with someone else really kills... and there are many days I wake up crying cause I miss him so much. But believe that you did your best in this relationship and it is their lost to not be with you. You really shouldn't suffer when they are happily moving on. Go out with your friends even if you feel like crap... and accept the fact that there will be good days and bad days. The pain will slowly go away as time pass.

none12345 · Mar 18, 2009, 12:09 AM

hey thump its none12345 thanks for writing on my thread =P

I know man we're all going through the same things here man. I know it is hard to forget. Maybe its time to get back in her life? If you feel like you're not completely healed yet than keep no contacting her and until you feel like you can move on without her that's when you know you're ready to confront her.

I know this is hard but maybe try to start dating other girls. You might find a love you never thought you will again. Anyway try to keep busy man. Yup yup I know how it feels to love someone you love so much.

Hope you feel better good luck!

jman123h · Mar 18, 2009, 05:34 AM

I wake up every morning after dreaming for 8 hours about her. Everyday when I open my eyes, I want to die because the realization is that she's not here, and it's over. Everything I wanted to do in my life with her can't happen. Every time I wanted to hold her hand while I drive in my car on our way to dinner, I can't. We saw a movie every weekend, and I can't even watch a movie at my house let alone the movie theater.

I have a ton of friends and a ton of sh** going for me. But none of it feels the same with out her to share it with. No one truly cares like she did, or truly listens, and feels your emotions, and feels when you're upset, and feels when you're so happy. No one hugs you or kisses you like she does and I don't think anyone ever will.

Thumper, I'm in your same boat, I want to die every single day. But you can't do that to your friends and especially not your family, the people who are still here and who still care. She's gone and doesn't care anymore and probably wouldn't give you the time of day, when before she would give you the moon if she could. It's going to take so much time, 6 months is 3 1/2 months farther in this process than I am, so just hang in there.. I know there will be brighter days for both of us and everyone else on here.

artlady · Mar 18, 2009, 05:52 AM

I have been there and know the feeling.The sun still shines and the birds still sing and you wonder how all this can happen when inside the world feels dead to you.

The only thing I can tell you is that no one is worth losing yourself over and one day this will all just be a painful memory.

You can get through this.You have to try with everything in you.You can't let your thoughts keep drifting back to what you had and no longer do.You must tell yourself *I can do this*.Every time you think of her yell *NO* in your head.Do it every time and force yourself to think of something else.One day you will notice an hour has gone by and you didn't think of her,the next day ,it will be two hours.It takes a lot of work but if you persist,you will come out a survivor.

Believe me,you are not the only walking wounded out there but you can get through this.Persistence and determination are key.
Hang in there.

I wish · Mar 18, 2009, 06:12 AM

Oh man, I can't believe all the things that everyone is saying. I've been living a parallel life as well. Everything has been going so well for me in life until 1 girl (or 1 guy for others)... well other things are still going well... I've been going to the gym twice a day, and I've been lifting heavy weights that I didn't know I had in me, without feeling any soreness in my body. The heartpain is just too powerful that any phsyical pain doesn't seem to affect me.

I've been talking to a lot of friends too and I went to drink a bit last night as well, but with some friends.

I got to say, I have no idea how to make the pain go away. I keep telling myself that with time it will go away.

But this thread has brought people with similar types of situations together. So we're not alone. We just all got to hang in there and support each other. No one gets left behind, deal?

h_leann_b · Mar 18, 2009, 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

One day you will notice an hour has gone by and you didn't think of her,the next day ,it will be two hours.It takes a lot of work but if you persist,you will come out a survivor.

This is so true. Only time can heal this wound. Definitely try to keep busy. Pick up a new hobby. Do something that you have always wanted to do but haven't.

Fake it until you make it! Tell yourself today will be better. And eventually it will be. You have support of all of us here. :)