[latenite101]

First I'll start by saying that I love my wife. We met in the college theatre department and hit it off right away. We then got married our senior year. One time our senior year of college I didn't go to a party because I was tired and she did. She ended up getting really drunk and in her stupper some douche bag took advantage of her and they had sex. She told me 2 days after. As much as it hurt me, I forgave her rather quickley, because she knew it was a mistake, and it was an accident. She was being irresponsible, but we were 22 yrs. Old, what do you expect? I was willing to chalk it up to being young.

About a year later we were out of college and interning for a theatre in a new city. We were fresh out of college and weren't making much money. My wife has always been much more tame than me, she was never a big partier. So basically with no homework or evening responsibilities I was partying all the time and drinking a lot. In my mind: I have no kids, I just worked 12 hours for slave wages, and there is a keg and a bunch of friends. Simple math, it seems. What I didn't know is that my finds me very "unattractive" when I party all the time. Basically she started a relationship with this other guy. It appeared to be a friendship at first so I wasn't threatened. Then one day I examined our cell phone bill and saw that she was talking to him for at least an hour a day. After forcing her to tell me what was going one, I found out that the had a relationship. She said they never slept together, but it was definantly going to happen soon if I hadn't found out when I did. There was all types of anger towards this guy. I threated him (he was 10 years older than me and had 2 kids) and we went back and forth for a few weeks. Basically, it all culminated in us getting into a fight at some party. My wife thought about going away with him, but then she stood by my side after the fight. We had a rough couple of weeks, but she wrote off this guy and we moved past it as a couple and came to an even bigger city and started our careers.

3 years later. We both have been very successful at our given professions. We still have no kids. Basically I just switched jobs and was going through a weird emotional time, I'll refer to it as a late 20's "what does it all mean" faze. I was kind of depressed and I did started drinking a little more heavily than I have in a while. I mean I was partying a lot on the weekends. Things started to weird and distant betweens about 4 months ago. I began to suspect that there was someone else, but it was until about a week ago that I finally caved in and bought a keylogger program and found out that she was having another affair. This time she has slept with guy 4 times (she later confessed to me). She said the affair went on in the late fall, and she called it quits by the end of Oct. She told me 2 nights ago that it was because she wanted to work on things with me. And last night she expressed interest in going to counseling. Which would be required if we were to continue.

Here are my questions. I LOVE this women, but my main fears right now are the what if's.
What if it happens again... I don't think I'll be able to bear it?
What if it doesn't happen, but there is still a distance between?
What if we spend all the money on counseling only to find out that we should be together?
Should I just call it quits and do the one thing I don't want to do?
Will she ever be able to respect if I stay with?
Am I just a gluten for punishment?

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

[HistorianChick]

Wow. Having been in the theatre world myself, I understand the ease in which you can slip into the party lifestyle, and the "looser living" of the "stage life." It's easy to lose yourself in the world of theatre, to find solace in partying, and to want the constant thrill - that taste of adrenaline when the lights are shining on you gives you a weird "hunger" for a thrilling life. At least in my own experience.

All that to say, there still is NO excuse for your wife to have an affair - or a number of affairs. If she wasn't happy in the relationship, she should have talked to you about it and worked on it before she started sleeping around.

I don't know - Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Without trust, there IS no relationship. It's just that simple.

You have put up with a lot more than I ever would have. Cheating is just anathema (forbidden) to me... and yes, I would say that for me, it is unforgivable.

I don't know how to counsel you. Maybe give it a month (or a time limit that you decide) of counseling. If you still don't trust her after that month, then I really think that you should consider a divorce.

I hate to say that because you do love this woman. I can hear it in your post. You have to love her to put up with this. She doesn't recognize what a gem she has. And that is the saddest part of all.

You don't deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves to be cheated on.

It's up to you if you're going to take it anymore.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Romefalls19]

Yes you are a glutton for punishment, she has no morals at all. You have no self confidence because after reading all of that I think you are blaming yourself for her cheating on you, not true at all. This is her problem, she's done it many times already and no she will not stop it.

Leave her sorry arse and get onto someone who will respect and love you, and only you. Not spread her legs for every Tom, and Harry.

[Justwantfair]

Am I just a gluten for punishment?

I think this line about sums it up.

I think you are continuing the same destructive cycle with your partner and now you have set the pattern. You become neglectful to the relationship, for alcohol and partying, she seeks attention elsewhere. You find out break the cycle by being attentive until the cycle begins again.

Sounds to me like she need male attention. That she will seek it out anytime that it is given to her, probably because she lacks self-worth and esteem.

You are in the same boat because you are allowing yourself to be treated so disrespectfully by your partner, not getting from your relationship the faithfulness that ALL relationships deserve. If you love your partner, you don't seek attention elsewhere, you work on the relationship at hand.

Do I think counseling will help, yes. Do I think it's a permanent fix, NO. I think you will both continue this cycle because you both seem happier to be with someone then to be alone.

[Chillaxguy90]

It seems to me that the distance growing between you two has to do with your constant partying and drinking, since she isn't the party type as you said. HOWEVER, this doesn't give her any reason OR right to cheat on you. That's just inexcusable. She should have talked to you. It is apparent that you love her very much, so I would give counseling a chance. If that doesn't help, don't wait for her to betray you again, leave her. Go out and find someone that will enjoy doing the same activities as you and will love you as equally as you do them.

[UnluckyDucky]

What if it happens again... I don't think I'll be able to bear it?

Only you know the answer to this question... so will you?

What if it doesn't happen, but there is still a distance between?

Her actions have already caused a rift between the two of you.. of course there will be some distance.

What if we spend all the money on counseling only to find out that we should be together?

Again, I refer to your first question. Once you can answer that the answer to this will be fairly obvious. (hint: you shouldn't waste any more time or money on this woman)

Should I just call it quits and do the one thing I don't want to do?

I don't want to work for a living, but I know I have to. People have to do things they don't want to do all the time in life. This is no different.

Will she ever be able to respect if I stay with?

Are you sick and tired of being a doormat yet?

Am I just a gluten for punishment?

My Magic 8 Ball responded with a "resounding yes".

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

I want to state in advance that I make no apologies for my harshness. She's cheated on you with another man on THREE different occasions. In my book that is three times too many, love be damned. You need to kick her to the curb and get not only your life back but your dignity as well. Grow a pair and have some respect for yourself to not be treated like this anymore. The reason I can say all this is because I have been in your shoes before and I was very fortunate that a close friend of mine came along and gave me a swift boot to my butt to give me the major wake up call I so desperately needed.

By all means though, if you indeed choose to stay and work things out have at it. I wish the best of luck to you. Just be prepared to continue to stress over all these "what ifs" if you do!

[talaniman]

Your really need to work on yourself, by yourself.

[heartbroke]

3 times?! 1 word... divorce. She doesn't respect or care about you. Anyone with a heart wouldn't do it 3 times to someone they love.

[kctiger]

3 times?!!! 1 word....divorce. She doesnt respect or care about you. Anyone with a heart wouldnt do it 3 times to someone they love.

Or 1 time for that matter... :cool:

[Ren6]

If you stay together, counseling is a must. She needs to address her promiscuity, and you need to address your drinking problem.

[math_dude16]

Wow, I am so sorry. She might not be your soulmate. If she really loved you she would not do that. Serious counseling and repenting needs to be done in this situation. So sorry. :(

[liz28]

It seems like communication, besides trust, is lacking. Instead of her expressing her fears, doubts, feelings, or concerns with you she goes out and find someone else. Then instead of confessing to you about her affairs you have to play spy in order to present to her your evidence for a confession. This isn't how a marriage is suppose to be and it really doesn't seems like she's putting in an effort to make this marriage work.

She is only making a fool out of you and your accepting it, even though it hurts you, because of your love for her. Well I must say that her love for you doesn't match yours otherwise she wouldn't be stepping out of her marriage by not only having a sexual affair but actually starting a relationship with someone else.

You have a major decision to make whether to stay or leave. However I must add that a in order for a marriage to work it takes two people who wants it to work. All of this mental and emotional pain from her is an indiction that she isn't on the road for it to. She's an adult and she needs to be honest with you but she can't do that and proved that over and over.

[starlite1]

Honestly, you didn't deserve this. She should have communicated her issues with your drinking to you. This behavor and cheating is totally unaceptable and my advise would be to leave this marriage and find someone who will love and repect you. Even with counseling, I think the fear of her cheating on you again will always be on your mind, and that is no way for you to be happy.

[I wish]

Intense. Sounds like both of you have a lot of issues. It also sounds like you two did not have very good communication. Here are some questions that you should consider, even before counsellling...

Are you sure you love her as much as you say you do? When you go off partying and drinking, does that mean she's staying at home alone? Aren't you two married? So if you're both at work during the day, shouldn't you spend time together at night? You seem neglectful. Why can't you turn to her to solve your problems instead of alcohol?

Once a cheater always a cheater. You said it yourself, even if you two recover this time, who knows when she will start cheating again. Can you still trust her after 3 times?

Sorry for the bluntness, just some questions for you to think about.

[latenite101]

Are you sure you love her as much as you say you do? When you go off partying and drinking, does that mean she's staying at home alone?

My wife works in theatre, which means she works nights and weekends. She get's off work at 11:30PM. I work a 8AM-6PM schedule. She is always invited to go out with me, but rarely does. I was only drinking A lot for about a month and haven't had more than a couple beers since.

[Justwantfair]

I don't think her infidelity is in anyway your fault, but I don't think you should stay and be treated this way either. After three times this isn't going to change, it will just get postponed until the next time.

[Rich11111]

To quote someone else, forgot who lol

"There are those who cheat once, feel disgusted with themselves and immense quilt and never do it again.

And then there are those who Cheat, Cheat and Cheat again."

Your wife is the latter of the two. And in my opinion only the first can ever be forgivable. (and rarely at that)

Your wife has proven she cannot be trusted and you cannot have a relationship without trust.

If you truly want to make an attempt at this then go to counseling, But to me it would be a waste of money, and will at best make things better between the two of you until she cheats again. I say get out and get out now as she will do it again.

[friend4u178]

If you do stay with her would you trust her?? I doubt it and I don't blame you.

She admits to cheating 3 times but that was only after you investigated , she may have got away with a few times as well.

I don't like advising people to quit on their relationships but she has totally disrespected your marriage FULL STOP.

[JoeCanada76]

What to do?

Sing this song to yourself for practice and then once out loud.

Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye!!

Edit : There is no such thing as an accident...
Too many what if's.
You need to work on yourself and grow from this
Experience and learn from it...

MOVE ON...

[artlady]

Do yourself a favor and stop trying to hang on to what you think is a relationship.
She does not love you
Its over.. move on.

Wake up and face reality.
Its not easy but we all have all been through it.
She does not love you and that's it!