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Dumped after 6 years, found a new girl, feeling even worse
It's been 2 months since my 6 year relationship with my girlfriend from high school ended. I don't have much of a desire to contact her, and it's been going well up until now.
I recently met a girl at a club a few days ago and she seems really nice- a college senior who is just a year younger than me, and she's into many of the same things I like. Problem is, talking to this girl makes me miss my ex. I keep thinking, this girl is good, but she's nothing like my old girlfriend. These thoughts keep invading my head and its getting me down. Every time I talk to this new girl I wish it were my girlfriend I was talking to. My ex, in the mean time, just finished summer school where she met this new guy, and I've heard from mutual friends that she's been driving 2 hours or so each way back to the town where the school was at to see this guy, who she started dating only 2 weeks after she dumped me. It just really hurts. Here I am, with a new girl, but still lonely and more depressed than ever, and my ex is seemingly happy and enjoying a new relationship with a guy she met so quickly after she dumped me... I don't know what to think, or how to feel. Should I stop talking to this new girl? |
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Yes, you need a period of genuine grieving and during that time you need to be "off the market". Loss is not brushed aside that easily. Welcome to the human race.
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Should you stop talking to this new woman ( my opinion)... she is not the one... for now... you are not completely over this other woman... it does not matter what your old ex-girlffreind is doing... if you are wanting us to tell you that your old ex-girlfriend is a slut... that is not going to happen... she is not married to you... she is getting on with her life... life is an adventure to this other woman and she is taking it for all that it is worth...
OK,. keep giving yourself an excuse in staying weak for this woman... stop before you become a stalker... this is going to hurt... yeah!. should you go on and live the life that the creator has planned for you... Yeah!. are you depressed because you want too... yeah!. pitiful never crossed my mind and will never exit my mouth... so do not think it... misery loves company... yeah!. misery is not the place you need to be with your young self... oh yeah!. get up and say next... keep going until you find someone that rings your bells... you will find that person and would know that she is the right one... when you cannot remember what type of woman you were looking for her... come on... jump back into the pool... oh,. clubbing and finding that perfect mate is not going to happen... Let's try serching for the right woman... in other places... other less crowded places... and less smelly.. OK... |
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The danger of a rebound relationship is very real here. If that's the case then you should be honest and upfront with this new girl about your feelings, out of fairness to her. As a college senior I'm sure she understands rebound relationships. On the other hand, you also have to accept the fact that this other relationship is over, once and for all. It's time to move on with your life. A little bit of sadness and depression is normal but don't let it consume you. There's going to have to be someone else eventually unless you intend to remain a confirmed bachelor for the rest of your life. Whoever that may be, she's not going to magically make all of your problems and disappointments disappear. With that said, if this new girl is as nice as she sounds, you don't necessarily have to break off all contact with her completely. Take the time to get to know her, just take it real slow and easy. You may find that she's the one for you or you may find that she isn't. Either way, don't expect all memories of your recently ended 6-year relationship to just go out the window overnight but don't dwell on them for the rest of your life either. Most important of all, don't place the burden for them on this new girl or anyone else that you date in the future.
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Dude, your ex is just a few steps farther along than you. Girls break-up BEFORE the day they ACTUALLY break-up. They're much more rational about BREAK-UPS than guys. That is why many times, guys return, and in most cases, women don't.
Your ex had boken-up with you in her HEAD, BEFORE she actually broke-up with you. WOMEN ALWAYS DO THAT. WOMEN ARE NOT RASH, THEY ARE RATIONAL ABOUT BREAK-UPS. They might make the wrong decision, but they have CONVINCED THEMSELVES IT'S RIGHT. THAT IS HUGE. In terms of break-ups, guys are far more stupid. This maybe wrong, but this is what I feel. Guys MAKE relationships happen, we court, we send flowers, we do the full court press, when we REALLY LIKE a girl. Women ALLOW relationships to happen, they allow the courtship, they accept the flowers, the like the full court press. That's why WildCat is right. 90% of the time, women call it off. They no longer ALLOW the relationship to happen. And she already thought about dating the guys she's with now, BEOFRE she was done with you. You haven't gone through that process. Nothing wrong with that. You didn't see it coming, and weren't prepared. You should stop talking to this new girl if it really makes you feel MORE depressed. I know exactly how you feel. I'm dating a new girl, 1.5 months after a terrible break-up with someone I hoped to marry. KEEP IT LIGHT. I see the new girl maybe once a week, or once every two weeks. I talk to her on the phone every 3-4 days. You don't need more depression. But having female friends during this time is good. You should have some female FRIENDS. I think that helps. |
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Heyy
My ex boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago. I tried to date to kind of see what else was out there at about 2 months after the breakup- it was awful! The same kind of feelings that you are experiencing I did too. I compared every guy to him and no one measured up. Even guys with full potential to be a great boyfriend for me just weren't good enough because they were not my ex. I decided a couple of weeks ago to be single for a while. To try to not date and to improve and work on myself. I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years but it was very serious and we had considered engagement so I really thought he was the one. Anyhow, its too soon to date anyone seriously a couple months is too soon. You need time to grieve your last relationship, work out what went wrong and to spend time on YOU. I know it's a hard thing to do for some people, but it really is something that will be worth it in the end. Time will help to heal the wound, and in the future after caring for yourself you will not settle for less than you deserve. That's what I am doing from now on. I would love to be with someone again, but since my ex all the guys I dated I would compare to him which is not fair to them or to me. In time it will get better and then you will be able to date again. Im 4 months into my breakup and I'm still not ready so don't worry if it takes a while- I have heard people take a year or even 2 years to work on themselves and to be single. Its also really hard when your ex seems to have moved on so soon after. The whole thing is that you really cannot compare yourself to your ex. She is dealing with it in her own way or maybe she really is over it, but you can't think about that it will only bring you down. You are two different people and although you were in the same relationship people deal with things differently as you know. Also if she is the one who did the initial breakup then she had time to decide the fate of the relationship and more time to grieve and move on then you did. Same with me and my relationship- my ex ended it so it was his choice so it does make it harder being the one dumped. Anyhow, just spend time on you because I found that the more I dated and the more guys liked me that I didn't have interest in it only hurt me more. I just kept hurting others and taking them into my breakup and its not fair to do that. When you heal you will be a much stronger person. Goodluck with everything and message me if you would like to talk about anything! |
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You have gotten some excellent advice here. You need to make a decision now. Are you over your ex? Not by any stretch so jumping into a relationship is not fair to your new friend. Back off some and go slow and don't lead this person on, you can be friends but until you heal you can only hurt someone else by moving to fast or letting them get to deep.
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Yeah... I still think you need time to yourself.
Don't lead this gal on. I've led gals on and it hurts on both sides even then - don't do it. |
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Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things... Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels... only it eventually goes sour... Guy breaks up with girl... Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely... Girl and new guy become an item... Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes: |
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Val is right in the above post. Had to spread it though Val!
That is exactly what will happen with your ex who is driving 2 hours to be with some other guy. It is a rebound and she is finding comfort in him. Won't WORK! Either will yours with this new girl. Please take some time off. Im 5 months into a break up with my girlfriend of 7 years. Same deal as you. There is NO WAY IN THIS WORLD that I could get into another relationship right now. I have had dates and each girl (I don't mean to sound conceited) has fallen for me. They want me. I know they do. They tell me they do. But I have to be honest with them and tell them I'm not ready for anything serious. And you know what? That makes them WANT ME MORE. People want what they can't have! Where have I heard that before?? But anyway, back to you. Just take some time off. Maybe go on a vacation, do something else other then girls for a while. You need to cleanse that part of your system! |
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 Originally Posted by Skell
You need to do what all people who are grieving do... they slow down, they hurt, they get pensive and think about life and themselves, they talk to people, their friends, their ministers, they take walks, they read books on grief, they review the lessons they have learned, they miss someone, they make awkward company with their friends, they spread themselves around because they feel awkward, they talk about it until they are sick of it and then talk some more, they try to distract themselves and HOPEFULLY it doesn't work, they hurt some more, they flit from activity to activity with a short attention span, they resort to cleaning out closets because they really don't know what to do with themselves, etc, etc, etc. And it all eases up over time as you make your way through the grief process. I promise it does. If, in that process, you find you really cannot stand the pain, then get some professional help asap. Otherwise, you can totally derail that process with a rebound relationship, drinking or any potentially addictive activity, buy a corvette you can't afford, learn nothing and be right back here posting about the next failed relationship sooner or later. Your choice. I am so sorry for your loss. |
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Funny how you guys are telling me to take it slow... here's a conversation I had with her last night. She totally threw me off... all systems were go until this... what do you all make of it?
Her: how were those bigg *** weights Me: lol Me: I had a good workout Me: what are you up to tonight Her: TV, packing.. I go ot nj tomrrow Her: very liil packing act. Just packing the car Me: today was your last day at work? Her: nope- no work today- tomrrow though Me: I wish I had a day off Her: lol Me: heh, last week I worked 60 hours Her: oh malordy Her: an lordy Her: that's like Her: like Her: so long Her: ps I neverrr say like that often lol Me: yeah I barely survived Me: I'm almost looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow Me: because I get to leave work at 2 Her: lol Me: hey so I got a question for you Her: OK Me: what is the jersey shore like? Me: is it a fun place to go? And is it really as dirty as people say it is? Lol Her: brb Her: I wundlt know I have never been in the shore ocean Me: no way Me: ever since I saw that true life show on MTV about the shore I've been curious Me: seems like a crazy place to visit Her: I have no idea Her: I'm spoiled by the caribean Me: hmmm... another place on my list to visit Me: you like traveling? Her: its ok- I hate the travel part- but the visit is good Me: haha I must agree Me: I wish I could be beamed to places and not go through all the hassel Me: you ever been to europe Her: yes Her: last summer u Me: my parents took me to france and england for high school graduation Me: I hated france Her: niceeee Her: I like a guy who can get out of town for a bit Me: I'm not a townie, no worries Me: if I had the money, I'd go to greece Me: and maybe japan, because I love sushi Me:and then italy... lol Her: OK take me with u Her: lol Me: maybe I should work 80 hour weeks Me: haha Me: save up more money Her: lol Her: yeah because thius girl can shopp lol Me: where do you shop at Her: express here Her: u Me: I haven't really bought new stuff in a while, but I like the stuff at urban outfitters Her: ooh yeah- nice room décor Me: and I like polo shirts, le tigre and lacoste Me: jeans from abercrombie Me: yeah when I get my apartment I'm getting all my stuff from urban Her: oooo polo shirts- preppy- nice Her: I love lacoste Me: I just need some more long sleeved stuff for the winter Me: so what are you going to do at home for 1 night Her: meet with a girlfriend of mine from college for dinner tomrrow I hope. Thursday I unpack and re pack, my dads birthday party and hopefully buying him a gift Me: cool Me: what are you going to get him? Her: he wants some sort of compass Her: I don't know if he just wants a cpmpass or some high tech thing Me: maybe an iPod? Me: (nano) Me: or a beitling watch Her: lol no... a compass Me:: oh it must be compass? Me:hmm Her: yes that is what he wants Her: I just need him to get more specfici Me: no idea where to get a really good one... you're on your own with this one... lol Her: lol ge thanks lol Me:haha Me: a couple of years back, I made these "coupons" for my dad Her: yeah bin there dun that Me: entitled him to 1 free car wash, 2 lawnmowing sessions, etc Me: well I'm sure whatever compass you get him he'll be happy Her: I hope Her: considering I harldy c him- a car wash doesn't really makes sense Her: but a pre purchased one does hmmmm Her: interesting thoguhts Me: yeah I'm telling you, maybe you could come up with something better than a compass Me: but still, if that's what he wants... Me:is your dad into fishing and hiking and all that Her: nope Her: he works at the house or flys somewhere for work Her: he is all about house work and making a living Me: wow what does he do for work Her: financial advisor- he's great at it too Me: metlife offered me a position in that Her: anddd Me: I turned it down Her: y Me: being entry level it would take forever to build a client base Her: isn't that typical though Me: advisors work exclusively off commissions Me: typical for financial advisors? Me: or for entry level jobs in general? Her: entry Me: no, not typical for entry... I know this kid who got offered 80K to work at bloomberg in nyc Me: entry level financial advisors would only make 35K Her: wow how did he get offered 80 Me: no freakin idea... 80K is unheard of fresh out of college Me: 1 in a million Me: most graduates make 30-50K starting Me: depending on school, major, gpa, etc Her: what was the job he got offered Me: financial analyst Me: I was offered that position too at mass mutual in springfield Me: but I had to turn it down because it was too far of a commute Her: when was this Me: a few weeks before I graduated Her: wow that's great- u couldn't have had an apt? Me:my goal is to find something in boston, so until then, I'm stuck in marlborough Her: ic Me: nah, there's nothing out in springfield Me: I can't stand farm country Her: yeah I bet Her: hehe I agree Her: I love living in boston Me:i need the city, and to be near people Me:: if I could live in New York, I'd be even happier Me: but boston is good too ahha Her: oh I know wnyc is da bomb Me: the first time I went to times square I went into sensory overload Me: it was a crazy sight Her: o I bet Me: I love how you can walk out at 4am and get food Me: that's the thing about boston- everything closes at 2am Her: oh I know- clubs close at 2am!! Me: yeah haha if tequila didn't close we could have danced more Me: I was just about to get good and bust out some ill moves Me: j/k I suck at dancing Her: u donttttt suck Her: I have seen worse- this is why scarlett stopped you and corected it Me: I'll need you to teach me some new tricks next time Her: not a problem Her: but be easy on the girl- we hardley know each other... lol Me: one step at a time Me: lol Her: yup Her: no I think we are duin the friend thing just fine Her: or at least very much aqantiances Me: yeah well we did just meet only a few days ago... lol Her: yeah hehe Her: but this is a first for me Her: tlakin gto the boy after Me: yeah same here Her: fav drink Me: what's my fave drink? Her: yeah Me: beer- corona Her: how about mix drinks or fancy ones Me: hard stuff- either grey goose or jack and coke Me: ha you'll laugh but I don't mind sangrias Her: oh nice Her: man my girlfriend gave ma show of black rum by gre goose- ewwwww Her: but them martinis are good and margartias Me:: I agree Me: what about you? Her: what flavor Me: I meant what are your fave mixed drinks Her: o I had no clue- um my flavors are cosmo and apple.. Her: I don't lve chocolate Me: oh Me: hey I got to run Me: good luck finding a compass and have fun moving in Her: kk thanks... ttyl |
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So, your ex is driving 2 hours back and forth to visit this guy she met 2 weeks after your breakup. You have been thinking and yourself over this cause it must mean that he is really something for her to be willing to do this, that she must really feel something special and different for him. Maybe she does. Maybe she feels that this is also a great rebound opportunity for her. Maybe she thinks that jumping into another relationship and investing so much time and effort will occupy her thoughts so much, she won't have time to feel the loss or the pain of your relationship. Maybe she's grateful that this guy came along right now to superficially fill that void and enable her to get by. Maybe she knows that having this guy 2 hours away is just enough distance for her to do her thing, keep away, and bring him in only when she needs him.
It's normal to feel down because you have heard your ex has moved on, but don't jump to conclusions, you don't really know what state of mind she is in either. Take time for yourself. Have fun, lighthearted fun. This new gal sounds like she has a lot of potential, but the timing is bad. Explain to this new gal that this may not be the right time for her to have come into your life. I know she's going to feel dumped, and you don't want to burn any bridges, but she needs to know where you are right now. Time does heal all wounds, but only if you are willing to spend that time wisely, and not harboring on feelings of what you had and what you lost. |
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Val, I see your point, but that is why I deleted her screen name and mine to protect our privacy. I posted it because I need some help analyzing it, especially where she says the whole "be easy on the girl" part.
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Originally Posted by PatBateman
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Val... your one post from yesterday was awesome.
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Originally Posted by Wildcat21
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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Originally Posted by PatBateman
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Originally Posted by s_cianci
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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
That actually made me alugh reading that Val, It was so true. I have done everyone of them activities / tasks / processes that you wrote here. That was awesome. So pretty much I'm normal? That's what your saying here? Good to know. Im not a complete nutter! LOL! Great post once again Val. |
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