Is HE too much or is it me?

akalea10 · Mar 9, 2009, 01:12 PM

I've been dating this guy for about a year and a half now. Everything has been great until the past a couple of weeks or so. He's 23 and I'm 25. Before meeting him I was actually engaged to someone else. He persisted and I fell for him. I broke off the engagement in respect of doing the right thing. After a few months of being together, I've realized that his insecurities are starting to show. At first it didn't really bother me much but lately its been driving me crazy. For example: I am not allowed to have lunch with a coworker (opposite sex) even knowing that this "coworker" has been my friend before meeting him, let alone this "coworker" is married with 4 kids! I already met his wife and been hanging out with them once in a while. So last night, I made it clear to him that this will be a problem between us if we don't compromise. He needs to learn to trust me. Then he just says, I do trust you but I don't trust him line. He doesn't even want to meet him. He said he could care less who it is. It's not acceptable for me to have lunch with an opposite sex. Then he continued with if this is how you're going to be then you'll see what'll happen next, just don't complain if some things change between us. This attitude abosolutely irritated me and asked what he meant by it. He continues " you'll see..you're not going to be the only one having a little fun, at least now I have the permission." At this point I was so furious that I felt no respect towards him and broke it off. Honestly, it felt good last night but now I'm starting to question myself. Am I being insensitive? Or Am I wrong for not respecting what he wanted? Just an FYI - it's been NC since last night.

kctiger · Mar 9, 2009, 01:16 PM

Dude sounds like an immature teenager... he is 23? Stay gone, seriously. His "macho" attitude is merely something to make up for his lack of size elsewhere...

His behavior will only lead to more "controlling" type things... when someone tells me that I am "not allowed" to do something, like they are my mother or father, I start heading towards the door. You did the right thing! Unfortunately he will probably find someone gullable enough to actually stick with him...

nitelight198073 · Mar 9, 2009, 01:18 PM

He is too smothering and contolling so no you are not wrong

Justwantfair · Mar 9, 2009, 01:19 PM

I would continue with NC and move on.

The control will not end here and the childish return to "I will get you back for not obeying me" is not the makings of a healthy relationship. Cut your losses while you are ahead and do not get further involved in this mess.

If he is so insecure that you are not allowed friends of the opposite sex, that is NOT going to change. You aren't requesting "alone" time with your friend, public appearances should be allowed in a trusting relationship. NO TRUST - NO RELATIONSHIP.

I would run. I see enough red flags in ten lines or less.

anthony1222 · Mar 9, 2009, 02:18 PM

Just to be honest, some people on this site are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY to insensitive, I'm speaking to those who answer not those who ask
Jealousy happens to the best of us, and some goes a long way to show you how much the person actually cares about you. He wouldn't get jealous if he didn't love you remember.
Obviously you got mad and made a quick reactionary decision and NOW you're wondering and probably remembering why you fell for him in the first place.
My advice, TALK to him. I keep hearing "NC, NC, NC" when really, ANY relationship is about COMMUNICATION. NC is fine and dandy if somebody got dumped and the other party has no interest in getting back together with them but be wary.
Tell him how you feel, CALMLY, but before even that you need to apologize, assuming you want him back, and reassure him. Insecurities arose for some reason and it may not have necessarily been your fault (maybe he was cheated on before?) but we all have our flaws.
Make sure he knows how much you care. If he does really want to be with you then he'll engage in dialouge with you, just don't expect it all at once.
At this point its up to you, do you want it to work or not? If so, then give it a shot.

Ren6 · Mar 9, 2009, 02:34 PM

You did the right thing. Continue to do the right thing by staying away from him! He basically said he'll cheat on you if you dine with male friends. Apparently, he doesn't understand platonic relationships.

akalea10 · Mar 10, 2009, 06:36 AM

maybe you are right anthony222 when I did break up with him out of anger. BUT you are so wrong for thinking it is okay to treat a person like that as a show of LOVE? I know there is a good jealousy and bad jealousy but this one happens to fall right into the "bad" one. It's too much. It's not healthy anymore. I have had enough. I have tried talking to him making sure he has NOTHING to worry about, making him feel that I only love him and no one else but he doesn't listen. All he says, he doesn't care its either his way or the highway. The phrase that bothers me a lot is "I DON"T CARE" how you feel. I don't care if you don't like it just don't do it. I can't be with someone like that. Its suffocating and annoying.

Just for the update, he did text me last night. Fortunately, I was already sleeping. I have not replied yet. I am not sure if I should. Although, his text had nothing to do with "us. It was just a general question about something so random. Weird. Part of me wants to reply out of respect of replying but I also don't want to give him a go signal of getting back together. What do you guys think?

kctiger · Mar 10, 2009, 06:41 AM

Originally Posted by anthony1222

just to be honest, some people on this site are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY to insensitive, im speaking to those who answer not those who ask
jealousy happens to the best of us, and some goes a long way to show you how much the person actually cares about you. He wouldnt get jealous if he didnt love you remember.obviously you got mad and made a quick reactionary decision and NOW you're wondering and probably remembering why you fell for him in the first place.
My advice, TALK to him. i keep hearing "NC, NC, NC" when really, ANY relationship is about COMMUNICATION. NC is fine and dandy if somebody got dumped and the other party has no interest in getting back together with them but be wary.
Tell him how you feel, CALMLY, but before even that you need to apologize, assuming you want him back, and reassure him. Insecurities arose for some reason and it may not have necessarily been your fault (maybe he was cheated on before?) but we all have our flaws.
Make sure he knows how much you care. If he does really want to be with you then he'll engage in dialouge with you, just dont expect it all at once.
At this point its up to you, do you want it to work or not? if so, then give it a shot.

So, the next time I get mad at my girlfriend and call her a sl*t I can just tell her it was only because I love her and "care" about her... or, maybe, now I can use the "love" excuse to cheat on her... I only had sex with another girl to prove how much I loved you baby!! Give me a break! That is the same BS excuse people use who physically abuse their mates. The old, "This hurts me more than it does you," line... She has NOTHING to apologize for.

As far as replying to his text, I wouldn't. I assume he sent you such a random text to see what kind of reaction he could draw from you. Unless it is overly important (i.e. you have something that belongs to him), I wouldn't worry about returning the "respect." Or, you could just text him saying you are busy at lunch with your MALE co-worker and will get back to him later...

Justwantfair · Mar 10, 2009, 06:44 AM

I think you are right to respect yourself and continue NC. The text was random, maybe you weren't even the only one that it was text to, but even if you were, replying is telling him that you are still OK with him. Given the situation let him wonder, he knows what the problem was and his lack of addressing the problem wasn't going to rectify it.

You are very correct, some jealousy is acceptable and healthy. But this isn't about jealousy, it's about control and the response of well if you think this is OK, I will do it too and show you that it is not. Threatening your relationship to make himself feel better.

Platonic friendships are healthy and acceptable in any relationship.

talaniman · Mar 10, 2009, 09:31 AM

Originally Posted by anthony1222

just to be honest, some people on this site are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY to insensitive, im speaking to those who answer not those who ask

Experienced is a better word and just curious, why is disrespect, and manipulation, a good thing in a relationship??

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=3962371

anthony1222 · Mar 10, 2009, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Experienced is a better word and just curious, why is disrespect, and manipulation, a good thing in a relationship????

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

Lets start by saying: I never said they were good but relationships need communication especially when the whole thing is on the line. Sorry but the magical answer of NC doesn't always work. And I'm sure you're veryy experienced, but why don't you balance all those hard truths with a little sensitivity? Are for the record, arguing about what I said doesn't help anybody. Get over yourself and give ADVICE to people, that's what this site is about, not your Dr.Phil-esque ego.

Justwantfair · Mar 10, 2009, 10:54 AM

Originally Posted by anthony1222

lets start by saying: i never said they were good but relationships need communication especially when the whole thing is on the line. sorry but the magical answer of NC doesnt always work. and im sure youre veryy experienced, but why dont you balance all those hard truths with a little sensitivity? are for the record, arguing about what i said doesnt help anybody. get over yourself and give ADVICE to people, that's what this site is about, not your Dr.Phil-esque ego.

No Contact is about sensitivity. It helps people heal from relationships in a healthy way, not stay in relationships that are unhealthy and abusive.

I have never seen an insensitive post relating to relationship problems. We have all been there and speak from the experience of the healthy ways to recover and move on. What you are advising to is staying in unhealthy relationships to face an inevitable future at a later time. Please note the OP didn't believe that his attitude with platonic friendships was appropriate, hense the question, nor your answer, hense her response.

Everything is said with the OP best interests in mind, but staying in relationships that are unhealthy or abusive is not the correct remedy.

akalea10 · Mar 10, 2009, 01:48 PM

I should get my hand slapped.. I texted back but I only replied to answer his "general" question. Nothing more nothing less. Now he has not replied and for some reason it is bothering me. I can't stop checking my phone. I know I am better than this. I know better. It's so frustrating to know that I have fallen to one of his traps again. I got to be better than this. LOL

In regards about NC, if the relationship is already OVER for at least one person in the relationship, NC is the best way on letting go of someone. I just wish its easier said than done.

Justwantfair · Mar 10, 2009, 02:04 PM

It is easier said then done. No Contact is difficult but very necessary for moving on, because every time you step back you are back to day one. For every contact there are expectations and disappointments.

Just keep doing the best that you can and remembering that every time you break no contact unfortunately you will have your own price to pay, as you are noting with the phone checking.

You can do this. Especially if you want respect. Just remember you didn't do anything wrong, it's completely acceptable to want friends outside of the relationship. It is his insecurity or need for control of you that is making him uncomfortable.

liz28 · Mar 10, 2009, 02:07 PM

I must say that the jealousy started because of the way your relationship started. When the two of you met you was already engage to someone else but you left your fiancé for him. I guess he thought if he can take you from someone else than what happens when someone else comes along and take you away from him. So his jealousy turned into control and who knows what could've happen next if you stayed with him. I guess you should've stayed with your fiancé.

But to the present. Whenever you go through a break-up you feel torn but you must stay strong and stick to your guns. Whenever he sends you a text delete it so you won't feel the urge to read it because he's sending you these randoms texts in hopes of getting a response from you so it can lead to the two of you talking then after talking it someone leads to the two you getting together for something so he can beg you back into his life. It's all part of his plan and he's putting it to work so don't fall for it because the relationship you had with him was unhealty.

I wish you the best and hope you stay strong will and keep your head up.

artlady · Mar 10, 2009, 02:30 PM

I do trust you but I don't trust him line.

If he trusted you ,he would trust your judgment and your ability to handle yourself is the situation warranted it.

Maybe he does not trust you because initially you dropped someone for him so he sees the potential for that happening to him as well.

This could be a red flag for more controlling behavior down the road. You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to give up to appease his jealousy.

artlady · Mar 10, 2009, 02:46 PM

that's what this site is about, not your Dr.Phil-esque ego.

I think Dr.Phil and Tal are the bomb!

akalea10 · Mar 11, 2009, 08:07 AM

Hmm.. I can see where he can be insecure in regards about how we started our relationship. But shouldn't that also show how much I love him and be with him? After all I chose HIM and not any other. At least show a little trust and respect. I don't think his actions showed any of that. Now in regards about my ex fiancé, we didn't have the best relationship either. We both needed time to think and see what we really want. It was a mutual decision. Therefore I don't regret letting him go . It actually helped me realize what kind of guy I Don't want in my life. Now if we were given another chance to be together again, at least I can say that I definitely appreciate him not being so jealous. I had no problem with him when it came to that. LOL

Back to my current ex - I have not cried since the break up. I do think about it a lot though. I do miss talking to him. I know in time it'll definitely go away but can time go any faster??

Justwantfair · Mar 11, 2009, 08:13 AM

Well you never dealt with your last break-up, you used a new relationship to deal with it.

Now this time (it almost sounds like you are contemplating going back to ex 1) you don't have a new relationship to deal. It is necessary for you to really take the time and focus on being single. Get your whole list together about what you would want in a guy and take the time to find the WHOLE package, not half here and there.

Just worry about you, if you haven't broken down, it will happen or it won't. This relationship may have just really been about leaving your first ex. While you may have feelings for him, you may not have truly invested yourself into this relationship.

Take some time for you.

liz28 · Mar 11, 2009, 08:38 AM

I wish there was a magic portion to drink to speed up your healing process but there isn't but finding a way to deal with it would help. It's okay if you haven't shred a few tears over this, some people don't or they hold it in. If you feel the need to cry than do so because it would be good for you let it out.

Right now the break-up is still fresh and our mind has a way of playing tricks on us. You might find yourself thinking about him and remembering the good times instead of the bad but when this happen think of something else. Don't let yourself hold on to those thoughts. Get out and do something for yourself. Pamper yourself! Hang around friends and go paint the town red. If you have something around your space that reminds you of him get rid of it.

Take it day by day and sooner rather than later your going see and feel a change.

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