[4answers]

Hi Guys. (long post, sorry)

As you know I have posted on here previously, And this site has been of great help.

I however have re read all my previous posts and the answers given, because I was about to post something that I have basically already asked.

To do this, only highlights to myself that I am not coping with the core issues that I have.

Whilst a lot of the issue I have around relationship breakups and reconciliation with my actions, some good some not so good have been resolved in my head and heart

One key area remains. Before I can feel happiness again.

I feel inside that I am very attractive and desirable, but on the outside I don't receive those responses. Kind of like an entrapped personality ! Perceive yourself differently to what you are...

This once unrecognized issue has led me whilst in a relationship to be overly confident about my ability to replace the partner if things have not been working out. And therefore to take the easy way out and end the relationship.

When this has happened and the ex moves on, the emotional interest from them to me is gone and I realise what I have done, I have acted badly to regain the lost partner. Obsession, depression etc.

Whilst single I have approached women who I find desirable but I am not as good looking on the outside as the feelings on the inside and have suffered rejection and then went with women who I was not attracted to for emotional interest. This I have regretted. Leading to a spiral of depresion.

These issues that I have described in brief have always been a part of my life, combined with a lack of understanding of what a relationship is all about, i.e. the positive emotional interest of a person in you and that this is what goes.

However I now find myself in a position where I have due to these previously unrecognized issues walked the wrong path and caused myself a world of pain, heartbreak and loss.

Because I am a decent person, I bitterly regret my past actions, and choices that I feel were made on wrong information ! (upbring issues).

I can't turn back time and regain the emotional interest of these people but I can't live with the fact that it was down to my own self that destroyed that interest.

In particular the loss of one person who I pushed into the arms of another because I did not recognize what the relationship provided and what would be gone. I took the easy road and thought I could simply replace her with another. (usual pattern). Then chased, obsessed etc. (My actions as my previous posts show, would have hurt her) (A regret)

Now that I am fully aware of these personal issue and the effects of them, I have been able to identify what I want out of a relationship.

But the issues although recognized are still there and the wrong road choices I made are still there. I ended something with someone when I should have stayed and married her. She moved on, I was devastated and for years have been single - trying to understand why, how etc. (Which as shown I have). But although the cause and effects have been dealt with. The aftermath is still there.

The girl is with another because of me and I can't forgive myself or live with myself.

I want to turn back time and have my girlfriend back ! That is the feelings that I have and no matter how I rationalize or understand the cause, effect and aftermath. I still feel the same...

This is a constant deppression issue ! As well as Rejection, failure, non interest of the opposite sex = lonliness and value reversal for the ex.

How do I resolve this !

[kctiger]

Hi Guys. (long post, sorry)


The girl is with another because of me and I can't forgive myself or live with myself.


How do I resolve this !

You will never resolve anything in life when you hold yourself in contempt... of life. Mistakes happen, and everything happens for a reason. Perhaps some professional help would be in order (this board is awesome, but I doubt many people on here have their PHD yet), do whatever it takes. You shouldn't be spending life unhappy, as it is way too short, and way too full of good things to enjoy. You are hanging yourself right now, so cut the rope, catch your breath, and get moving. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, and everyone has regrets... that isn't an excuse to quit enjoying what life has to offer.

Good luck!

[UnluckyDucky]

While I am by no means a trained professional, it sounds to me that although you have recognized what you have done the suffering you now are experiencing is one that is self-inflicted. We humans often create our own suffering by expending our emotional energy on past events. You need to learn to let go of the past as there is NO possible way you can control it, learn to forgive yourself, and finally learn to fully accept and embrace what has happened.

As KC mentioned, I agree in the recommendation to go and seek professional help as it seems this is probably beyond the kind of help we can provide to you here.

[jmw0713]

You have to try and forgive yourself and let the past be the past and move on. I agree with the above posts, it maybe time to talk to a professional.

Most of your problem may have to do with the depression. Untreated depression is hell. I know because I suffer from episodes of it myself. I always pull out of them, but there was a point in time where I HAD to see my doctor and get medication to pull myself out. I'm talking weeks of sadness, crying, and emotional pain.

If this sounds like what you are going through, make a appointment with your doctor or psychiatrist and get help ASAP. Trust me, it will help get you back to where you want to be.

In the mean time, some things that will help your mood and emotional state are:

1. Make sure you get plenty of physical exercise.

2. Eat a healthy diet.

3. Avoid alcohol and drugs like the plague.

4. Talk your family and close friends about how you are feeling, in order to get support from them.



You WILL get through this.

Good Luck!

[chuff]

I am very impressed. Most people who have an issue don't even realize why they have it. You have an issue and followed it back to the core. For you I think this actually means it will be easier to work on then most would, because most do not realize why they have the problem to begin with.

At the core, you don't believe you deserve happiness. When you find happiness, you begin to self sabotage causing the driving of the woman to someone else. You must fill this void and begin to commit to the idea that you deserve happiness, and that when you get it, it is OK to accept it as reality.

[coyne740]

I am with you. I have started seeing a therapist and realizing that I really don't have self-respect or a sense of self-worth. I know I shouldn't go back with women who have cheated on me, but I do, and I also realize that I don't let women in, I keep them at arm's length until lost. We are on our way, it takes work, but you have to remember that the number one person to help you through this is YOU! A therapist helps, but they are only a push, you have to walk through the door.

Now if only I could practice what I preach!

[talaniman]

I am not as good looking on the outside as the feelings on the inside

I would be depressed too, if I was always looking back to happier times, and not dealing with today.

If you would stop looking for someone to make you happy, and be happy with just yourself, you could forgive yourself your past actions, and get busy building a life that you enjoy, with friends, and activities that make you happy. Never know, maybe someone will want to share that happiness with you.

The best confidence, and self esteem builder in the world, is to treat yourself well. That's what others will see!