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Jolaedana · Aug 26, 2006, 10:33 PM

Hi everyone.

I've decided to ask about this in a public forum, because I honestly can't decide if this is a situation for manners and decorum, or following my heart.

A very good friend of mine, whom I have known since sixth grade and was one of my own bridesmaids just over a year ago, told me today she's getting married a year from now. I was naturally very excited for her, though she didn't seem very excited at all. She finally told me that I wasn't invited, it was family only- they just can't afford a huge wedding, they're doing a potluck reception, etc.

I can completely understand this. My own wedding had less than 50 people, and the only friends were my four closest. I think we spent maybe 2 grand on the entire wedding, and made all the food for the reception.

I do sympathize.

However, she later mentioned in the conversation that the guest list was already going on 150 people. I happen to know her family well- and I know for a fact that her family is incredibly small- 20 to 30 people maximum. Unless her fiancée is inviting every extended relative they ever knew, I can't see the guest list being THAT huge.

A mutual friend of ours has the same suspicion as I do- that she's actually invited local friends. She has lived farther away for a while now, and has friends there that she sees every day, and who she isn't as comfortable turning down, and therefore we've been struck from the guest list simply because we're far away and forgiving.

However, she flew halfway across the country for my wedding, purchased a dress, stayed in a hotel room, and did all she could for me for a week... and all I want is to return that favor. I would sleep on someone's floor, pay for my own plane ticket, and eat McDonalds three times a day and skip the cake at the reception if it meant I got to see her happily married.

She sounded so miserable, and she said more than once that she wished I could come.

I offered to help any way I could, even if I wasn't going to be there, and even offered to design her invitations for her (I'm a graphic designer- it's all I could think of!)

In my heart, I want more than anything to fly there a year from now and just be there for her, unasked. But I'm more than aware in the adult part of my brain that that's inviting myself, and could (and likely would) cause unease and stress. I certainly don't want to broach the subject with her- I worry that it will only upset her or stress her out more about the wedding.

Should I just give up and let this one go?

CaptainForest · Aug 26, 2006, 11:59 PM

WOW.

First, I would NOT show up uninvited.

Personally, I would find it rude not to be invited.

She was a bridesmaid at your wedding, I would think you are a close friend to her.

But, obviously you are not.

But what is really weird is that it sounds like you 2 are close, in which case it is very rude for her not to invite you.

If you 2 are indeed close, I would bring this up to her, and talk to her about these suspicions.

That is just my opinion.

lee t · Aug 27, 2006, 01:03 AM

Maybe that is her way of feeling you out. You said she did everything for you during your wedding. She may want you to return the favor, but not know how to ask... then again she may want you there,but too embarrassed for not having a brides-maid spot for you. Or she may be sparring you the expense of flying and lodging. Then again she may not want her Two worlds to collide, you being the past and her new life just starting(marriage). Are you welcome to visit her before or after the wedding? Well that's my 2cents.

JoeCanada76 · Aug 27, 2006, 02:56 AM

Maybe her family or even fiancée has something to do with it. Maybe they are running the wedding, the plans and has taken over all of the invitations and other stuff. Why else would she be not excited about the wedding. Maybe it is not really her wedding. It is being taken over by family? It is a possibility. No matter what the reason and we could all speculate what the reason could be. She needs to realize it is her wedding and it is up to her what happens and does not happen at her wedding. You should remain open, communicate with her and remain her friend. She sounds sincere that she really wants you to be there. I do agree that she probably has lots of pressure from family. Oh, you two families for that matter. That can be very stressful. We actually at our wedding changed the maid of honour because of a family member causing problems. It is very stressful and adding to her stress will not help. Just offer her support, let her know that ANYWAY you can be involved or help her out you will do it. Just let me know. Then just let it go.

Joe

Jolaedana · Aug 27, 2006, 09:36 AM

Thanks guys.

Yes, I admit I too find it rude, and I'm undeniably hurt.

I think you're right, all I can do is be available. She did get excited when I mentioned a possible visit- I think I will start saving up and maybe see if I can do a "non wedding" visit and perhaps help out that way.

Life is always more complex than it seems, isn't it?

JoeCanada76 · Aug 27, 2006, 11:35 AM

Yes, it does. I think that is a great idea. Visit her on a non wedding visit before the wedding and just be a supportive friend.

Joe

starryeyed · Sep 6, 2006, 10:54 AM

I think being unconditionally supportive is absolutely right... But, as such good friends, shouldn't you be able to have an honest chat about this, rather than just speculating, and possibly stewing over it?
How about simply saying that you love her and want to support her in any way you can, but were also wondering whether there was a particular reason why she had come to the guest-list combination that she had? I guess it's important not to be pushy or pressure her, but I would resolve it by coming to an honest understanding before it affected the friendship... And having this conversation in person would really be the best way...