[EzekielB]

I will try and keep this brief. After ten years of marriage; after four children; immediately after finally getting my wife through college; my wife told me that I was "no longer able to make her happy."

This was three months ago. The fallout, has led me to move in with my parents (at 30 years of age), while I finish off my own degree. Jobless (outside of a low-paying teaching position at the university), without possessions of almost any kind (I have my laptop and some clothes. Also, school books.)

The shock has worn off, but now I find myself hopeless. This is hard to convey in words. Hopeless, empty, despondent, desperate, freefall, suicidal - I don't think we have words that can properly convey how I feel.

I have read all I can, and continue to read what I can find about how to deal with this, what to expect, and when (if) things get better.

I feel as though there is no future for me. That no woman will ever find me attractive (I'm 30. I haven't dated a woman since I was a teenager. I am hopeless out there.) That there is nothing that can ever validate me as a human being.

Because I spent so many years toiling - and it was toiling - to get my wife through school while I raised the children, I have virtually no circle of friends. In that respect, I am very much alone.

I have no idea what I am asking here. Does this ever get better? For real, though? Not hallmark, God will do wonders nonsense. Does it actually, genuinely, ever get better? I can't think of any reason to keep going, outside of obligations that I have.

Sorry. And thank you for your time.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well first you have your children, you need to be a major part of their lives.

After that sorry but you are 30, not 60 or 80. Starting over is common, and you are in college, that is where you start, not where you end up. So finish school and start a new career,

As for as dating, just start asking every third girl you meet out, by the end of the week you will be dating every weekend. But at 3 months it is OK not to be ready to date yet. It can take months just to get over the worst part of your other relationship

[Illusion]

Your feelings are normal because you have been through a shock - losing your wife and the life you had with her - not to mention, your separation from your children. This is a lot for you - it is called grief - and at some point or another all of us go through this when - for whatever reason - things change, people leave, someone dies - it is not easy. It is like being in the eye of the storm and holding on for dear life - it hurts. You are going to make it through this - trust me. Be sure to get plenty of rest, eat well - take care of yourself. First you can't believe what has happened, then you feel numb, then you may feel overwhelmed - or like you are going crazy - it is all there - sadness, anger, and my God - the hopelessness. This is just your reaction to feeling abandoned and left - how could someone that you loved do this? You are not alone, and you will make it through this. Know that it will take time. Keep a journal and write down your thoughts and feelings, stay busy - it is the best you can do. You still have your life - for right now just plan out what your next steps will be. Sometimes writing stuff down helps - it break things down so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming.

When the time is right, you will decide about a new partner - right now you just need to take care of yourself and make some new plans. There are many, many people who have gone through what you have right now - most will re-marry and find a new love and make a new life for themselves. There is no reason at all why you cannot have the same thing - and you will - when the time is right you will know what to do. For right now though, just take it easy until you settle in to this new way.

And if there any books you can read on starting over - all the better. You are going to need time, but you will be all right. If you need to talk to someone, seek out help with a qualified therapist to sort out your feelings and thoughts. Take care.

[homemadegal]

I can identify with your feelings, of which I have had similar.
I was happily
married for 40 years when my husband left me during a bipolar mania episode that lasted for months and even now I'm not sure he's not still stuck in it three years later. Each time he calls the house to talk to one of our adult children, I wonder if this will be the call when he will finally be awake and realize what he has done. Will he finally say, I love you, I miss you, I am sorry for leaving you? Will he finally admit he has a problem and say he's sorry that it wrecked our marriage?
But that call never comes, and most likely never will.
He's just the good ole boy to everyone and they see him as someone who is brilliant, but a bit obsessive, and who would do anything for anyone who is not close to him.
His four youngest children saw and dealt with his very manic side, that the older children not living at home never saw so they don't believe their father is bipolar. He couldn't be. It's too hard to wrap one's mine around.

We raised 9 children together, worked together side by side on the farm, and have many grand children, and had many good years despite the depressive, manic episodes that I didn't understand. Unless you are educated to know there exists such a thing, you have no way to know that their irrational behavior and statements are the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that what they accuse you of is not so. Nor do you know where to turn even if you do figure it out that your spouse is bipolar. Or I didn't during the many years of our marriage. It's pretty fearful to see that your spouse is behaving irrationally. You tend to think it's your fault. So you try to be more loving, to be more forgiving, to be more sexy. Anything they need, in order to keep the peace.


The pain of it all still hasn't worn off after three years of separation. He lives in the area so he comes and goes as he works on the farms around where I live. I know of his dealings, as he communicates with one or other my children who talk about what he's doing all the time. I pass him on the street or he comes to my church sometimes. We have family gatherings where we both must be in attendance. It is all very hard to deal with.

I have no options to enable me to move. I am barely getting by on what the divorce settlement decreed that he owed me. I have no car except that of my adult son who is living with me. No medical insurance.
I was a stay-at-home farmwife and mother full time.
The job skills I gained an education in after high school have become obsolete.
No one is even hiring someone my age, and my health has suffered so much from the divorce that I doubt I could hold down a full-time job even if I had that option.

I had a therapist who was provided by my church,for the first year or so. That helped to have someone to sort out my feelings with. I had a father and siblings who were supportive.
Friends came and offered support, at first.
But my father and mother and sister who was my strongest support died.
I have no really close friends because I was so busy with the farm I did not get involved much in the community, and no one else lived our type of lifestyle so we did not share common interests. I am a more introspective person and do not make friends easily. We were a close family and we were all so busy on the farm, we didn't do a lot of outside activities other than with family.

The divorce changed everything. Five of my older children did not believe me when I told them their dad has a disorder which caused the divorce. So they are civil to me, but no longer confide in me as in the past. Relationships have changed. They never wanted to hear my side of the story. They believed the lies their dad told about me. Maybe they refused to acknowledge the truth because they know I will always love them, but are not sure about their dad's love which they seem to believe they must earn and keep siding with him. I never wanted to cause a separation between the kids' father and them. I just wanted them to get united with me in urging him to get medical help. But he found that he could appeal to the older kids to believe he is normal.

I am at the stage in life where it's basically "empty nest" because all my children are adults living their own lives. I was so centered on my married life and my husband, and now that is gone. His side of the family, which is basically bipolar also, has nothing to do with me. His mom and dad never talked with me or tried to understand what happened. They have since died.
All the in laws I was close to have become a distant memory as I was painted as the bad person, so they have nothing to do with me even though they were a large part of my life all my married life.

The first two years of separation were terrible, with panic attacks at night, racing heart, cold sweats, many tears, lack of energy, no desire to do anything. I simply had no emotional/mental/physical energy to do much except breathe and get through each day.
Another year, post divorce, I am sleeping some, but still wake up with a sense of dread and hopelessness and feelings of what's the use. I invested my all into my family and marriage and look what it got me.
I realize that life happens. That we cannot control what others will do. That we must pick up the pieces and try to find other paths when the old one has grown over with weeds.
But I don't know how to do that.
They say to find your passion and invest yourself in what you love to do.
I don't what that would be anymore. I feel like I am passionless.

I feel empty, like my life is over. I lived most of my life with my husband. Now he is no longer a part of that. Who am I? I don't know anymore?
Event though I have many things to do do and can keep buys, days still seem longer than what there is to fill it. Relatinships are the most important thing is one's life. When most of those you held as precious and dear are ripped apart, there is not much else that seems worthy to fill that place.

As an artist I now have time to pursue avenues I could not when I was busy raising a family and busy on the farm. But those things I once wanted to do, no longer even seem important. I feel like I am only half a person. I feel numb and devoid of emotional or physical energy.
I go for long walks and try to keep up my health. But walks are lonely. Food is not as good as when it was prepared for someone to share it with. Being single, not by choice, and something I never imagined, is not a fun thing at my age. Yes, there are perks and there is freedom to come and go and do as you want. But small pleasure that is.

After having my life tied to my husband's for so many years, I don't know how to distance myself from the past and good memories which are so much a part of who I am/was.
Living in a rural area there are not a lot of opportunities to meet others, just for fun. I have no desire to date or meet other men. At my age there are not a whole lot of options I would even want to bother with. I don't need to take on someone else's problems and health issues and their baggage.

Even then, at church I feel separate and alone because no one else has been where I am. Most have a spouse and sit with their families. I often end up sitting alone. People don't usually seek me out to set by me, so I often go and find someone to sit by.
Many friends who were concerned about me at first have abandoned me, as they have their own busy lives to live. People can't deal with other's problems after awhile. Like the song says, "You got to walk this lonesome valley, you gotta walk it by yourself. Aint nobody else going to walk it for you, you gotta walk it by yourself."
Most people don't know what it's like to lose a companion to divorce, yet still have him walking around town and see him with a girlfriend and moving on with his life as if I never existed. I feel like it is worse than a death which is final and you know a spouse died who still loved you. I don't even have that sastisfaction of knowing that I mattered to my husband/ex.

I cannot even have the satisfaction of being angry at him because I know the real him would never have left me. He has a disorder which distorted his reality. He basically thinks he is someone special, above reproach and feels justifed in leaving me so he could, as he said, go be his "own person."
Not once in the years we have been separated has he ever said he loved me or valued me. Even though I sent him letters that I will always love him. But he sent me letters stating all his stipulations for getting back with him. Everything was always about him and what he wanted from the "near perfect wife."

.
I never even got to have a good stab at trying to save our marriage because he refused my stipulation that in order to stay together he needed to get medical help. He believes he is fine and I am the one who is mental. He said he would never take anything for his brain. That was our last conversation.

I try to stay busy, and try to find joy in my grand children. But their parents don't bring them around as they use to, since the kids are getting older and more involved in activities of their own. I know I will have to live out my life trying to find pleasure and satisfaction in what I can do and what I still have.
I count my blessings, and am grateful for what I do have. But the pain of it all will most likely remain. My therapist said that if you did not feel emotional pain upon separation, it would mean you did not love your spouse. To the depth of your love, that will be the depth of your pain upon separation.
I believe there are different stages we must work our way through to healing.
Even though I am no longer as raw, I still feel sadness. A day doesn't go by that I don't wonder what I am suppose to do with my life now.
Maybe it's like Milton said in one of his poems, perhaps our most
challenging job now is to just "stand and wait." Wait for healing, wait and be patience and endure what stage we are in and try to keep breathing and be grateful that " I have two eyes, the world is mine." Count our blessings, when we have a moment of peace and can even bring ourself to do that.
Because for many months I could not. I was angry at God that I was going through this. Even though I know he allows all people to have their agency to make choices and he does not interfere with those choices, good or bad.I was so depleted and in so much agony, all I could do was cry out, "God help me!"

I gain strength by noticing how many people are alone, around me, and see how they handle what life has dealt them, and try to step forward one tiny baby step at a time, and keep breathing when all I want to do is stop breathing and not even get out of bed each morning.
hmg

[Nomistakebyme]

My husband left me after 32 years claiming I didn't make him happy. I understand your lost feelings, shock and despair, but I promise you that if I can pull together a good life in my 50's you can absolutely do it in your 30's! First, understand that when a person tells you that "you" do not make them happy, what they are really saying is that "they" can't make themselves happy. We are not responsible for another person's happiness. We are however responsible for our own happiness so stop talking negatively to yourself. You are a terrific person and she had the problem. Become strong for your children, one step at a time, set small goals, finish your degree, save what little money you can... slowly, step by step you will recover and you will recover with great strength. If you need someone to help you build that strength than find a professional counselor that you like (sometimes we have to quit one and find another) and I promise you that by working on yourself you will soar in your 40's 50's and onward. I made it and you will to if you just focus on one step at a time. Life is about learning and building your own strength by the trials that we all have to eventually endure... all humans have felt like you do at one time or another. You are one with all of us. There is good advise from others here too. We understand.

[N0help4u]

**piggybacked off 4 year old post. Maybe moderators can separate?