[novacaine69]

I'm 19 and my partner is 28 been togethr 18months yet he never wants sex!
We've never had much sex more 1-2 a week, however now its 1-2 a month or 2 months. I know he watches a lot of porn and I never used to mind however it bothers me as I'm quite willing to have sex or give him oral,as I have a very high sex drive yet he seems to only want it when he's drunk, and when we do I never 'get off' he's very rough and never passionate. He won't 'pleasure me' even with his hands :/
I've tried talking to him but it seems to deter him more,
I get insecure too because he's quite popular with the ladies and as a doorman he meets quite a few, he swears hed nevere cheat on me and he loves me however its always in the back of my mind, if he's not wanting sex with me then who is he having sex with or is he just masturbating.

I just don't know what to do
Does the fact he loves me mean we sacrifice our sex life :s
A girl has her needs!

[arnimal7]

Hello there, Love is a great thing, but so is sex. Have you tried to sit him down and talk to him about these issues? How do you initiate sex with him? It's normal to question the fact that he might be cheating, but don't jump to conclusions, he may not be cheating. I suggest you sit him down and lay it all on the table. Find out where he stands. Good luck

[DSM521]

It sounds like there a lot of issues going on here. As a man I will never understand guys that prefer porn over the real thing, just don't make sense. As far as the "is love enough question" in my opinion the answer is no.

I am in a marriage were my wife has lost her sex drive after our first child and after nine years has not got it back. I can tell you first hand that a lack of intimacy in a relationship is a hard thing to over come. Me and my wife love each other very much but because she never wants sex or is the one to initiate it, it causes a lot of problems. I feel rejected, unwanted, insecure, and I have also felt like you, that she must be getting it from someone else.

These feelings will change the way you feel about yourself and your partner. Over time it can become a huge strain on a relationship. You will start questioning him about anyone you feel is a threat and also some you don't, start to resent him and in time push him away. Sex is not everything in a relationship but it is a very important part of one.

My advise is if you can't work this problem out and he refuses to change you need to move on to someone that can give you a complete relationship. Starting over is hard but not as hard as losing years with someone you cannot change.

[JudyKayTee]

I am in a marriage were my wife has lost her sex drive after our first child and after nine years has not got it back. I can tell you first hand that a lack of intimacy in a relationship is a hard thing to over come. Me and my wife love each other very much but because she never wants sex or is the one to initiate it, it causes a lot of problems. I feel rejected, unwanted, insecure, and I have also felt like you, that she must be getting it from someone else..

I don't understand why you would live in a sexless (but loving - ?) relationship for 9 years and blame it on the birth of a child. Have you gone for counselling, talked to a Physician? Certainly physical problems can affect a couple's sex life, sometimes problems which cannot be corrected, but no specific problem and 9 years? I sure would be talking this over.

Something is wrong here on some other level.

Was sex with you enjoyable for her PRIOR to childbirth - or did she tolerate it?

[bronzebabe]

Seeing as he has no desire unless he drinks there IS a problem. I hope he doesn't drink often, if he does, that would be a whole new problem. You need to have a talk with him. Tell him that you are at your ropes end and it is time for him to do something, or to let you know it is over. Living in a sexless marriage is hard, and will make you feel like it is Your fault, when in truth it is not.

[DSM521]

I don't understand why you would live in a sexless (but loving - ?) relationship for 9 years and blame it on the birth of a child. Have you gone for counselling, talked to a Physician? Certainly physical problems can affect a couple's sex life, sometimes problems which cannot be corrected, but no specific problem and 9 years? I sure would be talking this over.

Something is wrong here on some other level.

Was sex with you enjoyable for her PRIOR to childbirth - or did she tolerate it?

I did not explain my whole situation because I wanted to keep the focus on her post. I did not want to go into the long story of all that is going on with me.

However to answer some of your questions, yes she enjoyed sex when we were dating. She would do all the things that a normal sexually charged woman would do. However after the birth of our first child she lost her drive. We were a young couple and did not know how to communicate about this issue for the first few years. Finally we were able to talk about it and got on the same page. At that time she was pregnant with our second child and she spoke to her OB/GYN about it. Her doctor said there were several things they could do to help but she could not be pregnant or breast feeding. After she stopped breast feeding our second she was pregnant with our third. Same cycle for our fourth.

So you may ask how can a couple with a woman that has no sex drive have four children... all I can say to that is it only takes one to get pregnant. Now our fourth and last child I might add is finished breast feeding. Now she is being treated for a hyperactive thyroid. Her doctors say she needs to get the thyroid issue under control before they can address the sex drive issue.

We do have a loving relationship, she tries to meet my needs in that department but I understand it is very hard for her to do something she has no desire to do. The most we make love is 2-3 times a month. It is a difficult situation, but we are dealing with it the best we can. We both look forward to getting her drive taken care of. She misses feeling that way just as much as I do.

[underwood]

Have you ever watched the movie... "He's just not into you?"

This sounds like one of the plot lines.
This is a fact. Very handsome guys are usually horrible lovers. They are self-centered and only think of sex as way to get off. It doesn't surprise me he doesn't pleasure you. They are not really concerned about their performance because they can have sex with any girl they want. If I were you instead getting a hot guy 10 years younger than, I would get somebody around your age that is crazy about you and who would actually care about you in the sex department.

[artlady]

Have you ever watched the movie...."He's just not into you?"

This sounds like one of the plot lines.
This is a fact. Very handsome guys are usually horrible lovers. They are self-centered and only think of sex as way to get off. It doesn't surprise me he doesn't pleasure you. They are not really concerned about their performance because they can have sex with any girl they want. If I were you instead getting a hot guy 10 years younger than, I would get somebody around your age that is crazy about you and who would actually care about you in the sex department.

Sorry mixed up the threads ,my bad!

[JudyKayTee]

Have you ever watched the movie...."He's just not into you?"

This sounds like one of the plot lines.
This is a fact. Very handsome guys are usually horrible lovers. They are self-centered and only think of sex as way to get off. It doesn't surprise me he doesn't pleasure you. They are not really concerned about their performance because they can have sex with any girl they want. If I were you instead getting a hot guy 10 years younger than, I would get somebody around your age that is crazy about you and who would actually care about you in the sex department.

What is the basis for "very handsome guys are usually horrible lovers. They are self centered, etc."

I've never seen this statistic anywhere -

What does your research show about beautiful women and the sex act?

[NeedKarma]

This is a fact. Very handsome guys are usually horrible lovers. They are self-centered and only think of sex as way to get off.

Um yea, that is NOT a fact.

[underwood]

It is my opinion that the above mentioned statements I made are true. This wording more to your liking? Um yeah.. Instead of attacking my post why don't you answer the lady's question? My answer actually addresses the question.

The basis for my answer? Life experiences. I used to belong to a fraternity and used to hang around a lot of self-centered guys who were all about quantity and less about quality of sex. It used to be a running joke. "Did she have an orgasm? who the hell cares... I got mine." I've talked to numerous women who have reported this trend.

I've also noticed in my own relationships as I've gotten older... the less I focus on myself and more I focus on pleasing my partner. Can I point to a scientific study that points to this trend? No.. . but it doesn't negate my own life experiences on the topic. The guy is 19. Doesn't have problems with the ladies according to the author. He's not really focused on pleasuring her. Only has sex with her when he's drunk. She paints a portrait that I'm pretty familiar with... I stand behind my point.

[NeedKarma]

I used to belong to a fraternity and used to hang around alot of self-centered guys who were all about quantity and less about quality of sex.

Had you made that distinction at the beginning then we would have agreed that fraternities are a haven for the shallow.

[underwood]

Had you made that distinction at the beginning then we would have agreed that fraternities are a haven for the shallow.

Well the disagreement would be limiting it only to fraternities. My opinion broaden the scope.

Shrug... any more witty come backs. :rolleyes:

[NeedKarma]

I wasn't aware I was witty. Thanks!

[JudyKayTee]

I wasn't aware I was witty. Thanks!

NeedKarma, you are definitely on a roll. Wow - apparently this was a fraternity of handsome people because that's the group on which the study was done.

Once again - the posting is from someone who has posted a grand total of 8 times.

I'm not aware of anyone over the age of 25 who even admits to having belonged to a fraternity - particularly the Loyal Order of Jerks, which this appears to have been.

Oh, I love it!

[xoxaprilwine]

How is there love without sex? It is important in any relationship and I would move on... your young, find someone who can please you in all area's of a romantic relationship. If you don't want to leave then get some counseling and tell him how you feel. NEVER SETTLE FOR BEING UNHAPPY... EVER!

Does he make you do things in bed your uncomfortable with? I don't like the idea he has to be drunk and that he is ruff... your not a porn star; you're a real woman and he needs to respect you and you need to demand respect, stand your ground. Always follow through on your words with action. Maybe the material he is viewing is influencing him and maybe not, maybe he has sexual problems with getting an erection and is relaxed when drunk? Regardless, you need to know. If he isn't willing to work on it with you I would say good bye Charlie!

[JudyKayTee]

How is there love without sex? It is important in any relationship and I would move on...your young, find someone who can please you in all area's of a romantic relationship. If you don't want to leave then get some counseling and tell him how you feel. NEVER SETTLE FOR BEING UNHAPPY...EVER!

Does he make you do things in bed your uncomfortable with? I don't like the idea he has to be drunk and that he is ruff...your not a porn star; your a real woman and he needs to respect you and you need to demand respect, stand your ground. Always follow through on your words with action. Maybe the material he is viewing is influencing him and maybe not, maybe he has sexual problems with getting an erection and is relaxed when drunk? Regardless, you need to know. If he isn't willing to work on it with you I would say good bye Charlie!

I am not addressing this situation with the drinking and problems this couple is experiencing. It is your statements I do not agree with -

Sex is not love; love is not sex. People get sick and injured and have all sorts of problems. Women have difficult pregnancies and sex is medically prohibited.

I am not speaking about romance and love - I am addressing your statement which is: "How is there love without sex."

I hope you are never in the position of either being sick and having someone walk out because the sexual part of the relationship is either put on hold or ends. Apparently if you are put in that position you intend to leave - ?

[Fr_Chuck]

First I deleted several of your posts ( xoxaprilwine) and at least two of Judy's posts and one other post.

I did so after review and belief it was getting off topic and some posts not called for.

I am sorry you don't agree and are unhappy with this .

I am also ending this thread