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alexa0707 · Mar 6, 2009, 03:28 PM

I am new to this site and please excuse me if I do anything wrong...

Well I have a question that has been driving me crazy this last month.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He has a baby with a previous ex girlfriend. He's always told me she was crazy about him and desperately wanted him back but he would never take her back. He believes she got pregnant on prupose to try to trap him. Over the 2 years I have been completely involved in his life and he has been in mine, but he's always separated me from his baby mama. We have never met. I am also fond of his child. We live together, me, him and his baby on the weekends and we have a very loving relationship. We hardly mever argue. We really enjoy each other. But last month I received a call from his baby's mother. She told me they had been together the entire time and he had been lying to her saying they were going to get married and that he was just using me for money and sex and she had been letting him because she was afraid he would leave her if she didn't let him. She also said that he's never loved me. I questioned him and asked him about it and he said it all was not true. I let it go because I felt it wasn't true too. But last week I received another call from her telling the same thing but this time she knew a bunch of intimate details about our relationship that only him and I should know so I questioned him again and of course he denied it all. So I told him to call her and tell her she needs to respect me and our relationship and that I wanted to hear their conversation. But he said he couldn't. I asked why and he just kept saying " I can't." over and over again when I asked him. There was no explanantion he just kept saying he can't.

He hasn't made any move toward telling her to respect me since then and has been sort of distant.

I feel like what she was saying was true now and I don't know what to believe. What do you think?

Justwantfair · Mar 6, 2009, 03:36 PM

If you live together when does he have time to be with her?

alexa0707 · Mar 6, 2009, 03:41 PM

I work a lot. I work a day job 9 to 6 mon through Friday and a night job thurs through sat 7 to 2 am. He has a lot of free time. But I have never ever suspected him of cheating.

artlady · Mar 6, 2009, 03:41 PM

It sounds very suspicious.*I can't* is not an answer and it should not be an option.Either you do it or we are done.

Are you supporting him in any way financially that would make her claim of using you for money be justified?

Using you for sex sounds idiotic,if he is with her ,why would he need to use you for sex?

He may be distant now because he got busted and his little charade of having his cake and eating it too is coming to an end.

I don't believe him,it just rings false in my book.

I'm sorry dear but it sounds like you have been played.

Justwantfair · Mar 6, 2009, 03:44 PM

Artlady is right, nothing about his behavior says faithful.

The fact that she phoned you, for what gain? If they had been separated for two years why would she feel the need to call you. More importantly, she would not know ANY OF THE INTIMATE details of his life.

They sound like they are still involved and you are just being used.

alexa0707 · Mar 6, 2009, 03:57 PM

Used for 2 years? I have never seen a text from her, he always answers his phone, were together every free moment I have. His family has met me, I am fond of all his friends, he's very sweet, kind and caring and as far as I know he sleeps in our home every night.

How do I find out for sure he is cheating so I don't tell him to leave and then regret it later because she was lying.

He's been making me feel very bad for not believeing him.

alexa0707 · Mar 6, 2009, 03:59 PM

Please everyone keep in mind this man has never done me wrong in anyway and is the love of my life. Simply leaving him is not that easy.

artlady · Mar 6, 2009, 05:19 PM

I am not trying to under mind the seriousness of your relationship and no one is saying it is ever easy to just chuck a relationship.

The thing that I don't understand is knowing intimate details.is that just because they have a friendship and discuss the relationship or because they are intimate as well?

His refusal to confront this with you listening is the red flag for me.Why.. what is it he is trying to hide?
Perhaps it is just a friendship that he thinks you would not understand.

How do I find out for sure he is cheating so I don't tell him to leave and then regret it later because she was lying.

Check up on him,miss work one night and follow him,look at his computer use.

alexa0707 · Mar 6, 2009, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

I am not trying to under mind the seriousness of your relationship and no one is saying it is ever easy to just chuck a relationship.

The thing that I don't understand is knowing intimate details.is that just because they have a friendship and discuss the relationship or because they are intimate as well?

His refusal to confront this with you listening is the red flag for me.Why..what is it he is trying to hide?
Perhaps it is just a friendship that he thinks you would not understand.
Check up on him,miss work one night and follow him,look at his computer use.

I will miss work this Saturday to follow him but I feel like such a sneak doing this. If I am wrong and he isn't cheating I'm going to feel so stupid.

artlady · Mar 6, 2009, 05:43 PM

Originally Posted by alexa0707

I will miss work this saturday to follow him but i feel like such a sneak doing this. If I am wrong and he isn't cheating I'm going to feel so stupid.

You have to find out and I know sneaking around is nasty but its worth it if you get an answer.
I don't like underhanded nonsense either but sometimes you just have to play detective to get an answer.

I would call her back and insist on an answer.If you are friends with the family,perhaps they could do some looking on your behalf.

Maybe she is a psycho but that not calling still bugs me.Why won't he do that.

I'm sorry honey,that just is a red flag for me.

I'm 54 so I have been around the block a bit and something does not feel kosher.

alexa0707 · Mar 7, 2009, 12:32 PM

I confronted him again last night but this time I got very upset and very dramatic. I just kept asking him to tell her to respect me and I asked for an explanation to how she knew about our sex lif, and where I worked and an few arguments we had, and a bunch of other things. He said she went through his phone a couple of times in the last 2 months and has been arguing with her not to call me the last couple of months because she was threatening to break us up. I asked him why she would want to break us up and he had no eplanantion. I told him to call her about 50 times over and over abain I kept crying and screaming to him why he could not and all he could say was "I just can't". He ended up leaving with his son. I've text him a few times and all he has told me is that what she was saying is not true and I need to calm down.

I called his baby mama and said we should meet up with him together to get the truth but she said she already knows the truth and doesn't want to ease my peace of mind because she doesn't give a bleep about me because I am just a home wrecker.

I am so lost now and confused.

Rich11111 · Mar 7, 2009, 01:35 PM

The phone calls from the ex could be put down to jealousy on her part but the intimate details she knows and his lack of a explanation to why she would want to break you up and why he doesn't call her and tell her to respect you strongly suggest that at least something is up.

As others here have said, "I can't" without explanation is not an answer.

artlady · Mar 7, 2009, 04:30 PM

How did she go through his phone?
Clearly he is standing firm on his innocence so I suggest you use plan b and just spy on him.I know its degrading but he is really not giving you any choice.I hope you get the outcome you deserve and she is just making waves.
Best of luck hon.

liz28 · Mar 7, 2009, 05:34 PM

It's clear as day that he is lying and if anything somewhere between her story and his is the truth but my question is how long are you going deal with this drama regardless on how many times you confront him for the truth because he isn't going give you it? All he is doing is thinking of a story to tell you in the meantime. And if you been with him for 2 years you should know his ways especially when he's lying.

xoxaprilwine · Mar 7, 2009, 05:50 PM

I would have to agree with ArtLady on this. Question is why would she call after such a long time? Why was she claiming they have been together for the last month? Why she knew very intimate details about your relationship? Why he couldn't pick up the phone and done what you asked? Since he didn't and said "I can't" is just nonsense... he does not apparently respect you if he didn't do what you asked. Sure he shares a child with her but he is in a relationship with you... he could have discussed it with her on a casual and non argumentative but rather inquisitive way and simply state that with all due respect, please refrain from calling my girlfriend as it is upsetting her and none of what was said was true. But since he couldn't... leaves me thinking something is going on. Now you say you work from 7 - 2 and this does leave a lot of time. I don't see why he would be using you for sex... I think that would be what he would say to her to shut her up but that is a really rotten excuse on his part and her stupid for believing it. I too agree that "something" does not smell right. Also do you financially support him? Does he have a career? Is he a driven type of guy (self determined)?

When you told him initially what was his reaction? What was your first instinct? What possible solutions discussed? Was this brushed off completely?

Good to see you will be investigating because you have every right to that as much as anyone say's "everyone is entitled to privacy" if you think he is cheating; I think you have a right to know HOWEVER if you are not willing to accept the worse case scenario then I strongly suggest that you refrain from searching and keep all sharp and heavy objects aside. Pick yourself up and re-evaluate your relationship.

angelacassidy · Mar 7, 2009, 06:02 PM

I was kind of in the same situation and yes in my opion he is cheating the other women does not call out of the blue for no reason

alexa0707 · Mar 9, 2009, 07:31 AM

Update On saturady night I decided not to answer my phone when he called. I did not want to see him because I really started to feel like he was cheating on me. At 2am whe I got off work I drove past his baby mama's house and his car was there. In the morning I woke up to a call from the baby mama. She told me he was with her last night and that they are together again and asked me if I had been tested for STD's because they are having un protected sex trying to have another baby. I just hung up. I didn't say a word besides hello. An hour after that I got a call from my EX and I asked him non chalantly what he did last night and he said... I went to my moms and fell asleep around 12 am. Then I just said... "did you know I drove past your baby mama's house at 2am and saw your car?" he had the nerve to say "it wasn't me." he actually said it 5 or 6 times. I just hung up and sent him a text saying " i know the truth... we are never speaking again... come get your bleep." But he hasn't been to the house yet. He was texting me all types of baby I need to talk to you and I'm sorry crap all day and then I decided to forward every message he had sent to his baby mama and I asked her to tell him to stop texting me. She replied OK and the texts ended. He called last night and left a message saying "babe I bleeped up. Please call me." I sent him a text this morning saying he could explain his self in an email but if I sense any bs or lies I really am never ever going to speak to him again. I am waiting on the email.

I am not going to take him back. I feel I know what's going on. I think 2 months ago he slept with her and told her some lies during an argument we had and now he regrets it and din't want to tell me what he did. He lied and cheated. I believe in second chances but you have to show you deserve it. He played me for a fool and kept lying to me. He does not deserve a second chance. But I still want to know the truth.

Thank you everyone for your help.

Justwantfair · Mar 9, 2009, 07:46 AM

The truth will not bring any closure, only more pain.

There is NO excuse for his behavior and the lies. If you hadn't caught him red-handed he would have continued to lie to you. He risked your health and heart and used you.

Good luck to you, remember what you had to do to find out, for when he starts spinning his web of "please come back to me" bs.

liz28 · Mar 9, 2009, 09:23 AM

I so glad you caught him red handed but then he tried to used that it "wasn't me line". Instead of him confessing when the evidence is right before him he stills lie well your eyes didn't.

I am glad to hear that your leaving alone and moving on. Good! You didn't need him nor his drama let his baby mama have him. You still strong and stick to your guns and don't give in to his begging. There's someone better for you in the future.

xoxaprilwine · Mar 9, 2009, 09:56 AM

I am so sorry you are hurting but you sound like a high achiever, smart, intellectual, creative, attractive, loving, caring and independent. You are young and have no attachments with him. Now you don't have to play house with a lying, cheating and self centered jerk... there are so many nicer guys. His loss NOT yours... I am happy to hear your moving on and he will not change, he will cheat on you with her again and so pursue the lust of life and live it for you. You deserve so much more then what life panned out for you but at least you found out now and not later.

Best wishes and I hope that you stick to your decision no matter how hard the ruff waters get emotionally, keep your head up... there is land.