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mctc · Mar 6, 2009, 08:52 AM

I have 4 daughters, 17, 15, 13, 8. The 17 and 15 year old's fighting is getting out of control. They were always close even up to a year ago but now it is getting really bad. The subjects that they are fighting about are crazy. They are mostly about my 15 year old taking my 17 year olds clothes, makeup etc. This is normal, I know... but last week they were physically fighting each other, punching and slapping. I have always made them resolve their own issues with little or no direction from me to teach them conflict resolution however they can't get passed this. It is so bad my 17 year old is telling me she wants to move in with her dad (she has not had a good relationship with him for years) because she can't take her sister anymore.

Telling them to try and resolve it on their own is not working. How do I help to fix this? How do I handle it? Do we all 4 sit down and try? What do I say? I don't want to do something that will make matters worse.

They are both at fault as both of them steal each other's clothes. They even lock their rooms when they are not home but somehow they break in.

Our household has been under a lot of stress because I lost my business and my husband makes little money with his ex-wife taking 50% for child support. I have been trying to find a good job but it has been hard. We have not had the money to buy them new clothes for a while now and they don't have much... so they are protective of what they have. I just can't believe that their fighting has gotten this bad over this!

I feel as if I have so much on my plate with taking care of all the kids (pretty much on my own), taking care of the household, trying to find a job, worrying about bills and how they are going to get paid with not much support or help from anyone I feel very stressed. I can't take all the adult stress and then on top of it have my daughters punching each other as well. I am overwhelmed!

I know fighting is normal, I just think they have taken it to far. How should I handle this as not to make it worse?

ChihuahuaMomma · Mar 6, 2009, 09:08 AM

Do they have jobs? Perhaps letting them have jobs will give them money to buy their own new clothes, pitch in around the house, teach them responsibility and be out of each other's hair for a while. They'll not see each other as often, and hopefully appreciate the time they do see each other more.

area52 · Mar 6, 2009, 09:22 AM

I read in the newspaper recently that the young females behavior today has become very aggressive and the young men are getting very passive. Why this is is still very confusing to me... maybe something in the food:confused: but my stratagy will be this... do not send your daughter to her father because this is teaching her to run from her problems instead have all of them, including the younger ones, to sit down and have a family decussion. Have them state their problems about each other, about you and vice versa. Explain to them what you are going through and how they are making matters worse for you by going at each other, it is a burden on you. Tell them that if their behavior doesn't stop then certain priviliges will be forfeited for a certain amount of time until they can get their act together. Sure it will seem like they hate you at first but they will hopefully come to their senses and realize that what they're fighting about is just dumb and let bygones be bygones this will also teach them that in life there are repricussions for their actions. Also bring the bible into your family discussion. If none of this works do what the bible says and get the good ol' belt. That always works lol
Hopes this helps

xoxaprilwine · Mar 6, 2009, 09:29 AM

I understand your stress and you have done the right thing by allowing them to resolve issues on their own but evidently it isn't working out. You will need to intervene and I know they are children but you will need to sit down as a group and discuss this. I would suggest talking to them individually first and what each of them would find agreeable. Once you have had the opportunity to observe the situation(s) in clear light have the meeting and discuss everything by bringing up the topics one by one and making it clear that each will have their opportunity to speak, discuss, agree or rebuttal but that they must discuss it openly and without interruption (listen). The goal is to promote communication and problem solve and make that clear. Then get the problems out on the table so you can take the appropriate objective point of view and come up with strategies that could work mutually.

Discuss how much you love them and how it makes you feel... your feelings are relevant and valuable... they must start preparing for adulthood and deal with things maturely. Introduce the solutions to each topic but only bring up one thing at a time and it would not hurt to discuss your financial situation and that they both will need to obtain employment to become more self sufficient... not only that but since the economic bust it is difficult for families maybe thrift shopping would be fun.

If they can't share; they simply won't but try to find some sort of an exchange policy between them and this may help. If things become physical during the meeting, physically separate them and hold them both equally accountable for their behavior and contribution to the situation(s) at hand.

It takes more energy to fight/hate then to get along/happy. (I came from a family of 2 other older sisters - so I know how stupid the fights are)

Best of luck

mctc · Mar 6, 2009, 10:06 AM

Thank You to all! I am going to sit down with them tonight, I will let you know how it goes. Really great advice and ideas!

FYI, my oldest did work with me at my business for 2 years. She does not have a car so I am not sure how she would get to work and I can't always be responsible to take her. There is no bus stop anywhere around where we live and few business. She would have to walk at least 7-8 miles to get there. Any advice on that? She was responsible when she worked with me, and she has applied to several locations, it is the transportation issue we have.

xoxaprilwine · Mar 6, 2009, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by mctc

Thank You to all! I am going to sit down with them tonight, I will let you know how it goes. Really great advice and ideas!

FYI, my oldest did work with me at my business for 2 years. She does not have a car so I am not sure how she would get to work and I can't always be responsible to take her. There is no bus stop anywhere around where we live and few business. She would have to walk at least 7-8 miles to get there. Any advice on that?? She was responsible when she worked with me, and she has applied to several locations, it is the transportation issue we have.

Can she work with you again to maybe start saving for a car of her own?

mctc · Mar 6, 2009, 12:22 PM

Well I have since had to close down my business.

xoxaprilwine · Mar 6, 2009, 12:40 PM

Originally Posted by mctc

Well I have since had to close down my business.

I am sorry to hear that... would you be willing to lend your car out for a short time?

mctc · Mar 6, 2009, 12:53 PM

Well, I have to work. I am freaking out because it is very hard to find work right now. Once I find a full time position I would need the car. Also, I have 2 other kids to carpool to school and such. If she works very part time it may work... you know in the evenings. Thanks!