[ineedsomeadvice]

Hey everyone
So... my husband and I had a HUGE fight this morning, one of the many we seem to be having lately. We have only been married 5 months and I don't know if fighting this much so early is a good sign. We do live with his family and most of our arguments are about this. And before you guys say anything about this, I'll beat you to the punch. We have to live with his family as we cannot afford to move out right now, long story. I would rather live with my family, but they all live in other countries, so besides for my husband, I am alone here in the US.

Anyway, I do not have a car either and my husband has not been able to take me to work lately so his mother offered to take me, which is very nice of her, but on the other hand, she also sees this as an opportunity to be nosy and ask me personal questions and she has. Me and my MIL have not been getting along so great either. We are civil to each other but that's about it. So this experience has been a bit awkward.

Please bare with me, I'm getting to the point :o) So this morning she had errands to run and of course my husband was not taking my calls and so I decided to call a cab to get to work, my mil showed up 2 minutes before the cab did and she thought that this would be the perfect opportunity for her to unleash all her pent up anger out on me and to play the victim again like she always does. But what gets me is that she managed to turn this whole thing to be about her. I was furious, but I am proud of myself as I managed to say in a calm and firm way that this has nothing to do with her and it is between me and my husband and I apologised to her for the misunderstanding with the ride this morning, but this was not good enough for her.

She was already on the phone with her daughter, who also lives with them and who is even nosier than my mil and more y. I can just see them wanting to "talk" with me later aka yell and scream at me.

Please give me some advice, what should I do, what should I say when they verbally attack me and make this whole thing into and opportunity for them to sink their teeth into me? Whenever they do this, they want to sit down and talk about crap that happened a year ago. Oh and my favorite part is how she ALWAYS throws it in my face that they have been so good to me etc. But when you talk crap about someone to everyone you know, how are you being good to them?

[posey_84]

Oh dear! This situation isn't going to get better whilst you live there. How old are you both? Thinks aren't going to change there's a lot of people living in that house by the sounds of it so tempers are going to flare. You need to tell your husband how you feel and you need his support. Then when your sure you have 100% got his back up I think you should have a sit down with everyone else in the house and everyone be open and honest aboout how they feel, but your husband really needs to be backing you up right now xx

[donf]

When they are ready to pounce on you, absent yourself from the room.

Tell them you already spoke to your mother-in-law and there is no further conversation needed.

Say excuse me, and either go outside (if you can) or go to your room and close the door.

If hubby has something to say about it, remind him that he was not there and that he has no dog in this fight. End the conversation!

[posey_84]

I agree with donf but that's only going to help the situation for now you need a long term solution too xx

[kp2171]

First, the first year or two of my marriage was hard. Honeymoon period be damned. Sure, we loved each other... but there was a lot to adjust to, a lot of miscommunication, and many tense moments.

I don't think that there is tension here is necessarily bad... not that its good... its just understandable, esp with the situation you are in.

All I can say is this... if you can... bide your time, stand firm, but be polite. Sometimes that means your tongue bleeds while you are biting it. That doesn't mean accept abuse. Not at all.

And... get a plan. Plan for your future.

Don't punish your husband for his mother. While I don't think its right for him to "allow" her to bash you, at the same time I think when you have a conflict with an in-law... that it is up to you to deal with it.

My cousin b!tches endlessly about his wife's parents. Yes, they do some dumb things... but I HATE his complaining in front of her when he doesn't have a pair to deal with them directly. I eventually had to tell him as much.

The daughter wasn't necessarily more able or equipt to deal with her parents... if anything, she had more mental baggage.

So... while I think your husband should back you up... I don't think you should necessarily expect him to kick down his mother. Again... that doesn't mean I think you are treated fairly... just means if you push him into the middle, that makes things worse. This is between you and her... not you through him to her.

You need to get out of there. Make a plan. Talk to your husband.

When your MIL plays the "ive been so nice to you" card but... and then lays into you... I think you need to be direct, gracious, and steadfast. "i appreciate your help, but dont see how your slapping me in the face daily is something i should be thankful for"... or "i appreciate your help. i know, from your comments, that you do not like me"...

Honest truth is you are in a tough place. Times like this require planning. How are you going to get out of there? How can you rely less on her?

She might never be kind to you. She might always treat you like this.

So you, and your husband, need to find a way to plan yourself out of this position. The less you make your struggles with her about him, the better.