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kristi99 · Mar 3, 2009, 10:53 PM

Hi there,
Not sure if this okay to post here but I had a question, regarding kids and dating. I split from my husband four years ago and had no interest in dating until now. Now that I found someone I would like to have in my life, how long should I wait to let him sleepover here once in awhile while the kids are home, or should I even be doing that at all? He has met them a few times and they really like him a lot, but we haven't been together very long... I really have no idea how long to wait, and don't want the kids to wonder what's going on, even though they know their dad and I are totallly apart... any suggestions, most welcome!

yaode3zy · Mar 4, 2009, 04:22 AM

I don't think they should be around when you have him sleep over. In my opinion, that should wait till after marriage.
I don't have any kids of my own yet, but I would the kids to be exposed to my sexual affairs. If things do not work out, I think it might damage your image as their role model. Baby sitters are the way to go! =]
That's my 2 cents; this is just my views on raising children, though some may disagree.
Goodluck with your decision, kristi =]

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 04:27 AM

How old are the children? Children tend to be a lot more understanding than given credit for. I think after four years they will have come to terms with the fact you and there father are no longer together and one day you may find someone else. Depending on how old they are maybe you could sit and tell them how you feel and ask there feelings on it? If there still quite young and see there father they may feel like they're being disloyal to him by accepting another man, do you still speak to your husband? As maybe he could in a round about way let the children know he's OK with the new guy, after all, one day he might find another woman he wants to be with. I think I would arrange days out with the new guy and children together and maybe he could stay late and watch movies with you but leave the overnight stays until they've built there trust with him xx

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 04:38 AM

yaode3zy, I have to disagree with u. I believe marriage has nothing to do with it. She has already split with the children's father so this shows that marriage doesn't always work. People do form sexual relationships outside of marriage and there is nothing wrong with this as long as it is done responsibly. My own parents were together for 25years and had 3 children but never married. I believe children should grow up with a realistic view on life, where not everything is rosey, relationships don't always work and people move on and I wouldn't say having a guy sleepover is 'exposing your children to your sexual affairs' that's a bit harsh. And the fact kristi99 has come on here to seek advice shows that she's a responsible loving parent who I doubt would be asking this question unless she thought she had a real chance of making it work with this guy. Xx

yaode3zy · Mar 4, 2009, 06:16 AM

Like I said, this is all about how you were raised. I was raised differently, and from what is going on with many teenagers in these years is not what you would call responsible. Sex outside of marriage is not wrong and I did not say it is, but children interpret thing differently than adults do. I take it that the oldest of the bunch is younger than 3 years old? How many kids to do you have?

Posey: to "think" that the relationship will work is not concrete, fella. It might not even phase her kids in the future; however, being a parent, just a mere chance that a situation might affect your children negatively should still be carefully considered, which is why she posted. I don't feel my rationing is harsh seeing first hand how devastated my "nephew". My good friend met a nice guy and he loved kids. Holden quickly grew attached, and when things didn't work out, Holden was devastated. Is that something that you take lightly, Posey?

I'd hate to sound pessimistic, Kristi... But I also believe there should be a father figure as well; I'm just saying be careful in your decision. Goodluck!

Fr_Chuck · Mar 4, 2009, 06:26 AM

While I believe it could wait till marriage or you are ready to move them in. I did not even introduce my child to someone I was dating for 4 months. Since I did not want other people coming in and out of their life hurting them.

So a sleep over maybe 8 or 9 months into a relationship at least.

Justwantfair · Mar 4, 2009, 06:28 AM

Originally Posted by kristi99

Hi there,
Not sure if this okay to post here but I had a question, regarding kids and dating. I split from my husband four years ago and had no interest in dating til now. Now that I found someone I would like to have in my life, how long should I wait to let him sleepover here once in awhile while the kids are home, or should I even be doing that at all? He has met them a few times and they really like him a lot, but we havent been together very long... I really have no idea how long to wait, and dont want the kids to wonder whats going on, even though they know their dad and I are totallly apart... any suggestions, most welcome!!

I think overall, if you are still concerned that the relationship is too young, you should continue to wait for your first overnight with the children home.

A lot depends on the ages of the children.

The custody arrangement. Do you have every other weekend without the children in the home?

Start with dinners, activities out with the significant with the children, more interaction between you without the children. Sleepovers send a huge message to children and it will affect them if the relationship isn't solid. You will put additional stress on the relationship once a sleepover occurs. Take your time, you have waited four years, now just wait, you won't question it anymore when enough time has past.

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 07:03 AM

yaode3zy: if you read my post you will notice I Didn't say 'yes jump into bed with the man and do it in front of your children' I actually advised kristi to involve the guy in family activities more so the children could form a relationship and trust with him. I also asked how old they were as I agree young children could get confused by the situation but if they're older (teenagers maybe) they can be a lot more understanding than you think (this comes from personal experience). Also, no relationship is concrete (I am married and love my husband with all my heart but who knows what the future will hold) but we have to take chances. Should she not get with another man until her children have grown up and left home?

yaode3zy · Mar 4, 2009, 03:09 PM

Originally Posted by posey_84

yaode3zy: if u read my post you will notice i DIDNT say 'yes jump into bed with the man and do it in front of ur children' i actually advised kristi to involve the guy in family activities more so the children could form a relationship and trust with him. i also asked how old they were as i agree young children could get confused by the situation but if theyre older (teenagers maybe) they can be alot more understanding than u think (this comes from personal experience). also, no relationship is concrete (i am married and love my husband with all my heart but who knows wat the future will hold) but we have to take chances. should she not get with another man until her children have grown up and left home??

Posey: I did read what you wrote and I acknowledged it in my statement. Not all of it was directed toward you; this is Kristi's thread. The kids should be no older than 3 years old noting her divorce happened 4 years ago.
As for you and your husband, we can discuss this when you make your own thread. If you read the thread a few more times, you might come to realize this thread is not JUST about her and her relationship with her boyfriend. The kids are a main concern.

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 05:49 PM

Originally Posted by yaode3zy

Posey: I did read what you wrote and I acknowledged it in my statement. Not all of it was directed toward you; this is Kristi's thread. The kids should be no older than 3 years old noting her divorce happened 4 years ago.
As for you and your husband, we can discuss this when you make your own thread. If you read the thread a few more times, you might come to realize this thread is not JUST about her and her relationship with her boyfriend. The kids are a main concern.

I don't think your 30 posts entitle you to preach how questions should be asked and answered and correct others when you don't agree with them. Not at all. I have no idea why you think you, unmarried with no children, have superior knowledge on this subject to begin with.

It is inappropriate for you to suggest that ANYONE read the thread and come to ANY realization.

artlady · Mar 4, 2009, 06:02 PM

Depending on the age and the level of maturity your kids have,I would say there should be no big restriction.I don't believe in hiding from children what is natural between adults.Obviously with total discretion.You explain to them about love and commitment ,age appropriate of course and not make a big deal out of it.

Provided there is no swinging door of different men,which I know there is not,I say go for it whenever you feel comfortable.

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 06:07 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

While I believe it could wait till marriage or you are ready to move them in. I did not even introduce my child to someone I was dating for 4 months. Since I did not want other people comming in and out of thier life hurting them.

So a sleep over maybe 8 or 9 months into a relationship at least.

I don't WANT to meet the children for at least 4 months, not until I know that I'm not going to breeze in and out of their lives. I think the whole "Aunt Mommy" idea is a bad one.

I don't understand - and my friends have done it - how people have a child out of wedlock, raise that child, meet another man, he moves in, they have another child, they still aren't married and yet the mother preaches morals to the daughter - ? It's all a matter of choice but my children watched what I DID more than they listened to what I SAID.

kristi99 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:32 PM

Hi ! Thanks for all opinions! My kids are 15 & 9, and I was with their father for 20 years, and he left for another woman and they have been exposed to her since day one. ( even while he was still with me and I was unaware of her) They are now getting married, and I have had really no desire to date until now. My kids are excited for me to be with someone and I see them smiling when he calls me honey or things like that :)
But I figure if I'm asking the question when he can sleepover, obviously I don't feel its right now. This site is really great , thanks again!

yaode3zy · Mar 4, 2009, 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I don't think your 30 posts entitle you to preach how questions should be asked and answered and correct others when you don't agree with them. Not at all. I have no idea why you think you, unmarried with no children, have superior knowledge on this subject to begin with.

It is inappropriate for you to suggest that ANYONE read the thread and come to ANY realization.

You're right! I should get my post up before speaking my mind and answering opinionated questions. I am not married and have no children. You're right, but I have seen what has happened in similar situations that did not work out. I should've waited till after 60 to 100 posts before I answered.

posey_84 · Mar 5, 2009, 06:19 AM

Kristi if your kids are 15 and 19 id say go for it. I was 18 and my brother 16 when our parents split. We stayed with our mother and she brought another man into the picture after 5 months (there now married with there own little boy) and we were just so pleased to see her happy. GOOD LUCK XX

JudyKayTee · Mar 5, 2009, 06:46 AM

Originally Posted by kristi99

Hi ! Thanks for all opinions! My kids are 15 & 9, and I was with their father for 20 years, and he left for another woman and they have been exposed to her since day one. ( even while he was still with me and I was unaware of her) They are now getting married, and I have had really no desire to date til now. My kids are excited for me to be with someone and I see them smiling when he calls me honey or things like that :)
But i figure if im asking the question when he can sleepover, obviously I dont feel its right now. This site is really great , thanks again!

Wow, Kristi, I am impressed - I usually hang out on the legal threads where people ask a question and only want to hear what they want to hear. Anyone with any other opinion is a jerk. The name of the game is often revenge on the "ex." You certainly have your head on straight, know your own heart, are looking out for your kids.

You'll be fine. You don't need me to tell you you're doing okay - but, Kristi, you're doing okay!

I hope you stick around and answer some questions for some other people.

notluckygirl · Mar 7, 2009, 03:04 PM

I think that you have to ask them if they want him to be in your life ( if they were in the age that they can enderstand ) it's really important to talk with them because they agree like if they can say no and if you to sleep over with him they should be out and they should not now any thing about it but if you just think you can't keep hiding this they will now soon or lather because your their mom and they will need you evry time evry day so I suggest that you tell them the truth it's always bether

Justwantfair · Mar 7, 2009, 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by notluckygirl

i think that you have to ask them if they want him to be in your life ( if they were in the age that they can enderstand ) it's really important to talk with them because they agree like if they can say no and if you to sleep over with him they should be out and they should not now any thing about it but if you just think you can't keep hiding this they will now soon or lather because your thier mom and they will need you evry time evry day so i suggest that you tell them the truth it's always bether

Wow, this was difficult to read.

Please note that the ages were given, the children have knowledge of him.

Most all of your post was answered and the knowledge was shared. Please read the entire post before you answer, so that the answer that you give is relevant to the question.