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MsPhillips21 · Mar 3, 2009, 11:34 AM

What is a girl to do when she can't have kids, and probably couldn't go through an adoption agency to adopt. I don't have anyone in the family that would be willing to help.:confused: I'm not too sure what to do. Any advice?

JudyKayTee · Mar 3, 2009, 11:34 AM

Why wouldn't an adoption agency approve?

MsPhillips21 · Mar 3, 2009, 11:37 AM

I'm 21 going on 22, I'm getting married next week, I just think with my age and my credit, they really wouldn't give me the chance to go through an adoption agency.

Synnen · Mar 3, 2009, 01:21 PM

So... work on your credit.

No birthmom is going to hand over her baby to a person who can't afford the adoption, because that makes it seem like you can't afford the CHILD either.

You are also young--there is plenty of time for this.

I would focus on cleaning up your credit and going to college to get a degree---both will help you to eventually adopt.

arnimal7 · Mar 3, 2009, 01:33 PM

Hey there, Did the doc prove to you that you can't have children? The same thing was told to my cousin 15 years ago, and now she has a 2 year old. So you never know. Also I do agree that you are in your early 20's. You should take this time to put your life in order, with school, saving money, and also have time as a newly wed with your hubby. Then maybe you can think about addoption up the road. Things will work out the way that are supposed to.

MsPhillips21 · Mar 3, 2009, 08:02 PM

Yes I had cancer at the age of 16, with this I had both of my ovaries removed, so I'm positive I can not conceive a child.
I do appreciate the advice but age doesn't have anything to do with this issue, I'm just looking for a direction so I know how to prepare myself.
I know I want to be a mother and I've known for about a year, and it isn't that my credit is bad because I'm in debt now, everything is paid off, nothing comes off for about 5-7 years, I've already discussed this situation with the people that know the whole ordeal.

arnimal7 · Mar 3, 2009, 11:01 PM

There might be chat rooms where you can find pregnant women who are trying to find mommies. You could try there. It's addoption without the huge fees and all of the legal documents. That's the only thing I can think of other then finding a close friend or family member that can or will bare your child. I wish you luck

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 06:18 AM

Originally Posted by arnimal7

There might be chat rooms where you can find pregnant women who are trying to find mommies. You could try there. It's addoption without the huge fees and all of the legal documents. That's the only thing I can think of other then finding a close friend or family member that can or will bare your child. I wish you luck

This is very bad legal advice - adoption SHOULD and MUST involve "all the legal documents." This is a child, not a puppy, and everything must be 100% and above board or you will be posting on the legal thread in two years (as a woman is right now) because something about the adoption has gone haywire.

Unless OP has a career of some sort I cannot imagine a responsible single mother handing her child over for adoption - while single mothers are good Hollywood the fact is that the majority of children raised by a single parent are raised with far lower financial benefits than children of couples. I would want the best possible for my child were I in that situation.

Synnen · Mar 4, 2009, 06:52 AM

Originally Posted by arnimal7

There might be chat rooms where you can find pregnant women who are trying to find mommies. You could try there. It's addoption without the huge fees and all of the legal documents. That's the only thing I can think of other then finding a close friend or family member that can or will bare your child. I wish you luck

Not only is this bad legal advice--it's also bad MORAL advice.

Shame on you! Those pregnant women in chat rooms are usually trying to figure out a way that THEY can be a mommy--not looking for someone that is trying to sucker them into giving away their baby.

I also didn't catch that the OP is single. Get married. The small percent of women that actually choose adoption choose TWO PARENTS for the most part---I'm a birthmom and my reasoning was this: Why the HELL should I hand my kid over to a single mother? If I wanted her to have ONE parent, then I'd raise her my damned self!

If you're really that serious about wanting a CHILD now (notice that I didn't say "baby"--if all you want is a baby, not a child to love, then you're in the wrong state of mind to be adopting anyway), then contact your local foster care agency. There are thousands of kids that need help in that system. Why not look into helping one of those kids have a better life, instead of just looking for an infant?

Look, I know what it's like to have the baby bug. It sucks, really. But don't you think a child would benefit from having TWO parents, in a stable relationship? Let's put it this way: if you had to make the agonizing decision to let someone else raise your child, would YOU choose a person like you? If so, then contact an adoption agency, and see what they have to tell you.

arnimal7 · Mar 4, 2009, 11:08 AM

I understand where all of you are coming from. I am not trying to give her bad advice. She really wants a baby! I alreadu tried telling her from my fisrt post, if you have read it that she was in her early 20's that she should save money, go to school, enjoy being a newly wed. She then reasponded that she really wanted to be a mother for a year now. I never said that I was a lawyer or that my advice is legal. Now I have a close friend who cannot have children, so she is paying a woman to bare her child. Is that so wrong! Sarrogate mother! That is what I was talking about in the first place. That is legal.

arnimal7 · Mar 4, 2009, 11:26 AM

And for Judy and Synnen, what makes think you know the law? Obviously you don't because being a sarrogate mother is legal, and if MsPhillips wanted to have one she could. But for you two to judge people and it seems like you always do, find out facts first before saying things like shame on you!

J_9 · Mar 4, 2009, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by arnimal7

And for Judy and Synnen, what makes think you know the law? Obviously you don't because being a sarrogate mother is legal, and if MsPhillips wanted to have one she could. But for you two to judge people and it seems like you always do, find out facts first before saying things like shame on you!

Judy is an investigator for the legal community and Synnen is a birthmom who gave a child up for adoption. That's how they know the law in this area.

Synnen · Mar 4, 2009, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by arnimal7

And for Judy and Synnen, what makes think you know the law? Obviously you don't because being a sarrogate mother is legal, and if MsPhillips wanted to have one she could. But for you two to judge people and it seems like you always do, find out facts first before saying things like shame on you!

I've made it my business to know adoption law in most places---and to know what might be constituted as coercion, because that's generally the ONLY thing that can get an adoption overturned.

Being a surrogate mother is NOT legal everywhere. MN, for example, has laws that make surrogacy VERY hard to do. It's not outlined as "illegal", but if the surrogate mother changes her mind, then the child, whether genetically or not, is biologically HERS, and no court in MN would make her give back the money or the baby to the people who paid for the surrogacy to begin with.

And while surrogacy IS an option, in most places you must go through the formal adoption process with the child of a surrogate mother, because since she gave birth, she is the LEGAL mother of the child.

Yes, there are a lot of options out there to become a parent, but the thing is that people who are looking into it should generally have a lawyer on retainer, and should REALLY look into what the laws are in their particular area regarding ANY form of adoption.

MsPhillips21 · Mar 4, 2009, 12:35 PM

Wow, I never said I was single either, I'm getting married with a man I've been with for 3 years. You guys mustn't know how to read... Never mind. This was a bad idea, to ask for advice that is.

MsPhillips21 · Mar 4, 2009, 12:37 PM

And thank you arnimal7. You seem very supportive and you can actually read!

Synnen · Mar 4, 2009, 01:17 PM

I guess since you didn't state that "my fiance/husband and I want to adopt", just that you want to adopt, we assumed you meant that YOU were going to adopt, solo.

We're trying to give you advice. However, you need to provide us with enough information to properly advise you. The more thorough YOUR information is, the more thorough OUR answers become.

And I STILL think it's irresponsible to advise hanging out in chat rooms to try to talk someone into choosing YOU as an adoptive parent. There are SEVERAL reasons to use an agency--many of which are that agencies are there to protect adoptive parents more than they are there to counsel birthparents. Adoptive parents, after all, pay their bills.

So again--my recommendation is the same as it originally was: Get a lawyer or an agency to help you if you're truly looking at adoption at this point in your life.

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 02:05 PM

Originally Posted by MsPhillips21

Wow, I never said I was single either, I'm getting married with a man I've been with for 3 years. You guys mustn't know how to read.... Never mind. This was a bad idea, to ask for advice that is.

Let's see, you say you AREN'T single. You ARE getting married to man you've "been with" for 3 years.

So that makes you single right now, right? I think you are either single or you are not, either married or not.

There's no middle road.

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 02:07 PM

Originally Posted by arnimal7

And for Judy and Synnen, what makes think you know the law? Obviously you don't because being a sarrogate mother is legal, and if MsPhillips wanted to have one she could. But for you two to judge people and it seems like you always do, find out facts first before saying things like shame on you!

Why do I think I know the law? Let's see, to begin with a couple of degrees and work experience and thousands of hours in the Courtroom.

Now it's your turn to put forward your credentials.

Synnen can answer for herself - although I don't think she really has to.

JudyKayTee · Mar 4, 2009, 02:23 PM

[QUOTE=
arnimal7 agrees: K, I never said I was a lawyer.[/QUOTE]

Then you probably shouldn't give legal advice and, if you do, you probably shouldn't criticize and/or condemn the people who have legal training and give advice which does not agree with your uniformed advice.

MsPhillips21 · Mar 4, 2009, 02:47 PM

Well, I am getting married next week so I would hope me and my fiancé would be adopting together, and adoption is going to be a little tough right now because of my past [I messed up my credit] everything IS paid off, but it will remain on my credit history for 5 or so years. I was just looking for different routes to take. I'm not looking to do all of this NOW, but hopefully within the next couple years get situated.