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AmExp · Mar 1, 2009, 11:10 PM

IS YOUR PARTNER'S WEIGHT IMPORTANT TO YOU? If so, to what extant?

The person I am dating has made some comments about my tummy. It is soft and I am getting back in to the gym. He claimed that I look 4 weeks pregnant by suggesting someone who did not know me may think that... and then he tried to be smooth and clean it up with a well maybe I was saying that because I really want you to have my baby. I feel like that was insulting and mean. I could stand to lose about 20 ish lbs ( I am a former varsity athlete and I have always been active in the past so weight loss and proper diet will not be difficult I am also 5'7). Unfortunately, college and an unhealthy eating lifestyle has caused me to put on some weight... mainly in my stomach. I have started to go back to the gym again. I was just surprised when he teased me with this comment. It was not the first and something tells meit won't be the last. I asked my friend about it and she was kind of cruel too. She said maybe you would be more attractive to him if you lost the weight (mind you I told her that my weight has NOT interfered with out sex life what so ever). My gut is that he wants me to lose weight for his sanity and not for my health. I was also disappointed in my friend for suggesting that he was trying to tell me to lose weight so that he would be more attracted to me... am I wrong to feel this way?

neverme · Mar 1, 2009, 11:18 PM

Well I think that you should just change yourself.

Really what better purpose could you have in life then pleasing your man completely?

Then, when he dumps you, or cheats on you (oh the cheating on you one is a good one because then he can use your weight as ammo against you and why he strayed! That's two birds with one stone, what an economical guy!) you can just fall to pieces and not understand why he did this...

But why? Why would he do this after I put all this effort into being exactly what he wanted..maybe it's me, maybe I'm a failure...bla bla destructive bla

Or you can have some sense and RUN when your gut tells you to. This is emotional abuse. Anyway you want to look at it, he had no problem using you for his physical wants then had no problem insulting you when he was done.

Seems like a GREAT guy.. hold on to him, he's a keeper.

AmExp · Mar 1, 2009, 11:22 PM

But why would my friend try to agree and state that that I should think of it as him motivating me and that he loves me and would never say it to be mean to me?
.
Is there some truth to what he is saying? Do you think she agrees with him?

neverme · Mar 1, 2009, 11:28 PM

To be honest, that girl ( I assume, because men friends learn early to dodge these kinds of questions! ) seems at least non supportive and at most a total b*tch.

Does she have much experience with men? Self confidence? A backbone at all?

But it does not matter because you are strong enough to see the wood from the trees yes?

He's being a jerk and I'd kick him to the curb and have a talk with my 'friend'. Not only about how this affected you, but how she feels about herself. It may just be that she has no tools to deal with this, or is suffering as I said, from low self esteem.

AmExp · Mar 1, 2009, 11:51 PM

Oh man... what a tough question. One could argue that her self confidence is seriously questionable. She is one of those girls that looks better in her pictures then she does in person. She uses online dating sites and craigslist to place ads and as a self-esteem booster, yet she wonders why men are NOT interested in calling her back... hence the pictures being MUCH better then the real thing. I am not hating on the girl. She is very accomplished and sweet, but all who have meet her think something is OFF about her mentally.

As for the guy I am dating, he loves to reassure me that he had such a problem with my weight ( I gained 10 lbs since I met him) then he would have left me or addressed the issue earlier.

ALSO,
Another comment my female friend said because I have a va**na is why he would stay with me aside from the fact that I am attractive. I thought that was insensitive

ChihuahuaMomma · Mar 2, 2009, 12:29 AM

First off, at four weeks pregnant you wouldn't have weight gain, or it wouldn't be noticeable, so it sounds like that comment was mean and just trying to get under your skin.

It sounds that they are trying to get under your skin to motivate you, just not really doing it in the most productive way. Have you told the both of them that their comments were hurtful?

AmExp · Mar 2, 2009, 12:31 AM

Yes, I have. My guy told me that he was kidding and it was not meat to be hurtful.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 2, 2009, 08:36 AM

AmExp, is this the same guy that you were speaking of in this other post of yours?

Link

If so, I would be highly wary of him "just kidding" around with you...

Justwantfair · Mar 2, 2009, 08:40 AM

Spot on, Unlucky Ducky...

We have already established that you need out of this relationship. He is an abuser.

jmw0713 · Mar 2, 2009, 09:18 AM

He is a manipulator plain and simple.

then he tried to be smooth and clean it up with a well maybe I was saying that because I really want you to have my baby. I feel like that was insulting and mean.

Ok... he wants YOU to have HIS baby. Should that choice be left up to both parties... what a smooth talker.

Sounds to me like he makes all of the decisions in your life and relationship no matter what you think.

Just from my personal point of view, when my ex was up to 140, I thought she was WAY sexier than she looked at 120. She definitely had those curves going! Ah the memories...

Weight should not be an issue with someone that loves you, unless it starts to affect your health.

My gut is that he wants me to lose weight for his sanity and not for my health.

But you already know that he only cares about one thing... and it's not your health.

Really, body image all comes down to how you feel about yourself, not someone else. If you are comfortable with how you look then, why change for someone else. I loved how my ex looked with a little more weight on her, but she wasn't comfortable with how she looked, so she started to go on a diet and exercise again. She didn't do it because of what I, or anyone else, liked, said, or preferred, she did it because SHE wanted to.

You need to start doing things and living your life how you want to, not how other people want you to.

Anyway, UnluckyDucky and Justwantfair are both spot on.

I will stop here before I get yelled at again. :D

triogucci · Mar 2, 2009, 09:58 AM

Hi there AmExp.firstly how do you feel about your current appearance,do you truthfully feel that you need to lose around 20 pounds.also like what was said before if this is the same guy that's in your other question then you do need to think if there is a future with yous 2,because if it is the same guy then you need to get out of it,because if he has got a violent streak in him towards you making new male friends,then he could be trying to keep you with him by making you insecure about your appearance which is as bad as if he were hurting you physically,either way he is making you a prisioner.on the other hand I don't know the guy so I don't want to judge and condemn the guy,but do you know of him to be making jokes about someone with personal facts.also have you ever considered that you could be also just comfort eating by some of his actions,since like you say you put on 10 pounds since you've been going out with him,I'm just going to ask if you have also ever had a proper conversation with this guy instead it being physical with one another

AmExp · Mar 2, 2009, 11:41 AM

Spotted... yes, unluckyducky... this is the same guy as before (sigh). We worked out the issues we were having before and started fresh. There is no more asking me if I have been a good girl while he is away on business, no circling around my condo, just trust. It makes the relationship much better.

I am not going to say I am as fit or as active as I should be. I can be quite the couch potato ( but I am NOT obese by any strech of the imagination either). I could be healthier, hell we all could be, but I think his fear is that I will end up like his ex wife. What doesn't help is that he has seen pictures from when I was a few years younger (19,20,21) and that was when I was my most active going to the gym two times a day.

It seemed as though his angle was more of concern and less about the way he WANTS me to look... but then again.. maybe I am just being naïve... just tell me if I am.

jmw0713 · Mar 2, 2009, 11:53 AM

I wouldn't say you're being naïve, but you shouldn't go and do things, or think a particular way about yourself, because other people would like you more this way or that way.

You should do things for yourself, not others.

AmExp · Mar 2, 2009, 12:21 PM

triogucci,

Currently I could stand to loose the 20 lbs. Seriously. If I lose more then GREAT.

This is the same guy as before however there is no more threats of bashing a guys head in or breaking his neck. All of those things are gone. He is more mature about things.

I am also a comfort eater for sure. I only let things get to a certain point before I completely pull the plug and back track to a healthier lifestyle.

I just want to know if his actions are truly genuine or for self-gain. And what makes me so different from his exes?

Justwantfair · Mar 2, 2009, 12:51 PM

I think the fact remains, yes he may have changed his ways for the last few weeks, but he is manipulating you. He is working to destroy your self-esteem and self-worth, which is why his behavior didn't fly before, because you stood up for yourself. Now he will find small ways to bring you down, make you feel undesirable by the opposite sex. Make you feel like you have things wrong with you, or that these are your problems. That is step one, he skipped it before or hadn't done a good enough job, because when he got to control, which is step two, you were still strong. So he is back on step one.

I could stand to lose weight and I have put on probably fifteen to twenty pounds in the last year, but my boyfriend WOULD NEVER point that out or even think to suggest that I need to lose weight. Maybe I do, but that isn't for him to talk about, that is for me to decide.

I think your man is a manipulator and a controller and the longer you stay involved the less you - you are going to be.

AmExp · Mar 2, 2009, 12:58 PM

Just the other day he stated that he gave me too much control over things and I made a comment that defied his statement. He was very quick to apologize and realize that what not FAIR OR RIGHT for him to say. I just don't see the control in this. I could understand if he was threatening me with things, but has not happened and anytime he is aware that I am mad at him or distraught he is the one to bite the bullet and apologize to ME.

Justwantfair · Mar 2, 2009, 01:13 PM

This part isn't about control, it's about ruining your self-worth, if you see your value in a relationship and as a person, he won't be able to control you. He had to step back to the beginning, while he is trying to isolate you from your friends, he is working on bringing down yourself esteem.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 2, 2009, 01:18 PM

Spotted... yes, unluckyducky... this is the same guy as before (sigh). We worked out the issues we were having before and started fresh. There is no more asking me if I have been a good girl while he is away on business, no circling around my condo, just trust. It makes the relationship much better.

I am not going to say I am as fit or as active as I should be. I can be quite the couch potato ( but I am NOT obese by any strech of the imagination either). I could be healthier, hell we all could be, but I think his fear is that I will end up like his ex wife. What doesn't help is that he has seen pictures from when I was a few years younger (19,20,21) and that was when I was my most active going to the gym two times a day.

It seemed as though his angle was more of concern and less about the way he WANTS me to look... but then again.. maybe I am just being naïve... just tell me if I am.

Well I'm glad to hear that things are working better for you.. I know the bunch of us here were concerned for you. While I'm almost always willing to give people a second chance, didn't he say repeatedly how beautiful his ex was?

I'm trying to look beyond your boyfriend's past actions but I can't help but have a twinge of concern still. While, it's your life and the decision is yours what to do it doesn't hurt to look at the situation from a different angle. Whenever something comes your way, if you step outside your own shoes and look at your situation from a third person's perspective, it can open up your eyes to certain realizations. Say a friend of yours was going through this same situation, what would you say to them?

My guess is with pretty much spot on with Justwanfair's, and this is another way he's trying to manipulate you again by lowering your self-worth. It could very well be that he's innocently hinting that he's noticed a change in your body but based on his past actions I'd have to say there is probably more to the comment here. You have to make these changes in life for you first and foremost. Sure, if your family and friends are anything like mine, they are quick to make comments on whether I've personally lost or gain weight - but ultimately any change I make will be for me first. It sounds like you still are in a healthy weight range being a female of your height.

Just make sure you're doing this for you, and that you're not being overtly manipulated by him. You're the one with the final decision here and any decisions you make you will have to live with, not us. I'm just asking you to be careful, OK?

AmExp · Mar 2, 2009, 01:49 PM

Awwww thank you Unluckyducky! That is very sweet and kind of you to say. Most of the time I am genuinely happy with him. I cannot say I have ever laid awake at night crying or trying to figure out what I am doing with him. I have questioned his motives.

I still have not heard an reason as to why he would feel as though I am the one he needs to make the comments to. Why lower myself worth when I have made it perfectly clear that I am the happiest I have been with myself in a LONG LONG LONG time? It seems like it would be a lost cause on his behalf to try and change my mind set especially when it concerns weight.

Justwantfair · Mar 2, 2009, 01:54 PM

If you are the happiest you have been with yourself, then why do you even question it? Or worry about it?

It isn't completely a lost cause because it now has you thinking and wondering, instead of just knowing it doesn't matter to you, so if it bothers him tough.

Good luck to you and God bless.