[Skell]

Thanks val,
What a great comment to receive from you in particular given some for your posts! Thank you.
Just honest and from the heart (and head)!

[valinors_sorrow]

Hey, when you're potent, you're potent...

And you are! :cool:

I just hope everyone else catches a contact buzz off that potency too... that was really great!

[s_cianci]

For whatever reason, she is angry and hurt about something that went on between you two. I wouldn't waste time and energy worrying about what or why. It's over and that's that so what or why really isn't important. If she doesn't want to talk to you then just don't talk to her, either. Can you live without whatever she hasn't returned? Maybe your landlord would allow you to change the locks at your own expense. Not that you should have to do that but it could well be the easiest way to just put everything behind you and start over.

[talaniman]

Don't know why you would even care how she feels ,she just does. Be glad she is an ex and pay for locks if you have to and forget anything else she may have, not woth it.

[Amythest]

The real problem is you not being able to anticpate that she would be lame, and so you returned her stuff with out a mutual thing... really now you know for next tme ( hopefully there is no ext time though) that if a break up does occur... always giv e eactohers things back at the same time. Kind of like the hostage and the money issue in movies.
And as far as her ignoring you... maybe its too painful for her to talk to you. Or more likey the case she is just lame.
Don't have someone kick her bum though. Which you never thought aout I am sure... just When we get angry ideas arise and I wanted to squash that one beofre it may have even come up.
Good seriously . And I would do as above, try a few toiems and tehn do your best to find a new solution... you migh be able to get authorities with this I don't really know. Like call the cops and say listen I was in this relationship were broken up now and she is not returing the key.
Its kind of more drama but you may have to.

[ilovcali]

Just wanted to update. She finally replied. Her reply was a mirror of my own email. She has returned the goods to my friend. Wished me luck and all that jazz. I guess she waited until she saw her therapist and then decided how to reply. So she's not as bad as I thought.

I guess her seeing the therapist, which she had said she would do, is her way of improving. And I definitely pushed her in that direction. So that is good of her. I hope the therapist helps her.

It's somewhat sad, because I try and focus on the negatives on our relationship, to help me get over her. It's hard sometimes, because despite what I say, I am sure the closeness we felt, was mutual. I just don't understand why her actions were the way they were and I guess I wished I hadn't reacted the way I did.

I think one thing that does pain me, is that as she improves as a person, she will eventually find someone else, and be a better person and love him, without the imperfections that she brought to our relationship. And that new relationship will work.

And true, I will hopefully do the same. I haven't ever felt the closeness that I shared with her, with the countless girls I've dated in the past, or the few other girlfriends I had. There is that hope that she comes back to me, and we have our second chance as new people and make things work. I think it really could have, if we had tried.

But the odds of her returning are slim to none. WildCat knows my story pretty well. The odds seem insurmountable.

Anyway, I'm just keeping on with what I'm doing. NO CONTACT, dating some new girls, jujitsu, friends, school. I hope she comes back, and maybe, as we both compromise, and fix things, we can have a good, lasting relationship together. But the more likely scenario is she won't. I just hope she gets out of my head sooner than later.

Regaining your mind which is when one truly is over and ex, is indeed very tough. Especially if it was serious. I hope the timeline for me is not too long for this to happen.

[Amythest]

I don't think that you should getback with her even if the opportunity presented itself personaly. Just because I fear that a drdging memory of the past would reamin and ultimatlycome up in aruments and so the second break up would be worse than the first one.

[Wildcat21]

Dude - I fully disagree... give it time. Your going to have sit down with this gal one day over coffee AND MAKE HER LAUGH- STIMULATING CONVERSATION OVER COFFEE!! But not tomorrow - maybe a few weeks. No tough questions.

As you can see - she is trying to change and figure things out. She seems like a good girl and wants to learn WHY she treated you so bad on occasion.

[Wildcat21]

It all about time and are you will to give it time.

[Skell]

I agree with the cat. But really give it a lot of time. Not just a few weeks. Id be more like a few months. But not for her sake. For yours. You really need to "regain" your mind.
Don't even consider whether she may come back Don't let that occupy your mind.
Just work on you. That's your best chance! YOU first and then her later MAYBE! And a real big maybe it is too!

[talaniman]

You are in a hurt and confused time and the whole purpose of no contact is for YOU to heal the mind and emotion to make clear and objective decisions. To evaluate and learn about you. Take this time to have fun and enjoy yourself its about rebuilding, not isolation and feeling bad. NO pity pot stuff.

[Skell]

Tal is so right.
People mistake having no contact as some ploy to win them back. Wrong move. You cut contact to work on yourself and figure out things in your own head. It should be a time when you focus on gwtting your own emotions in order and coping with a new pahse of your life.
IF she decides to come back in this period and you feel it is worth trying again then well and good. But it is about you. Not some tactic. That is a big mistake and it will be seen through and only cause further pain!

[tirednhurt86]

I agree with talaniman and skell. I know that skell and me are going through similar circumstances to you and I def. agree that you should take this time for yourself. I tried everything to get my ex back and when I finally realized nuthing would work I gave up and I decided its me time... and now I have learned so much about myself. I want to work on myself before starting another relationship. Anyhow it's a great idea and to be truthful most of the time an ex does not want to get back together and even if they did it usually won't work out because the relationship is broken and usually cannot be fixed. Also holding onto false hope can really be a big disappointment. Goodluck with everything and it sounds like you are on the right track!

[ilovcali]

Worst combination ever. But how many have found comfort with the bottle after a terrible break-up? Honestly, I am trying not to, but despite friends, work, hobbies, excerise, I do partake to numb the pain. Plus, being in grad school, most of my friends go to the bars every night and get pretty wasted. I hate that. One, it's expensive, two, the morning after, once the alcohol has left the system, the pain is tenfold.

But in order to hang out with my friends, alcohol is always part of the equation. Otherwise, I'd isolate myself at home. Many times, I'll not hang out, because going to the bars is not the best idea at this time.

Anyone else have this problem? I actually have tried to force myself to read or watch TV, but it doesn't always help. I many times cave in to the alcohol to sooth the pain.

[J_9]

Originally Posted by ilovecali

But in order to hang out with my friends, alcohol is always part of the equation.

It does not have to be part of the equation if you do not want it to be.

You make the decisions for you. If you want to hang out with the guys then great do it. If you don't want to drink, you don't have to.

Pretty simple, I know. Hard to stick to it? Yes... but in the long run you will be admired for being the guy with a good head on his shoulders.

[Wildcat21]

Bottom line - bad idea. Makes the break 10 times worse. I've been there. The next day it makes the thoughts of her 10 times worse.

[valinors_sorrow]

It is a very easy thing to do. But are you drinking more out with friends or home alone? In either case, the best thing to do is plan ahead to select something else to drink. Its kind of hard to drink a beer and coffee, soda, lemonade, the latest hot brand of water, etc at the same time... shrugs?

[phillysteakandcheese]

I'm not a drinker, and I hate the bar, but every once in a while I go out with the guys to the bar and I drink... Coke or Pepsi. Yes, I initially get some ribbing about it, but fact is all I have to say was "I don't drink" and after a minute or three there's much more interesting things going on besides why I choose not to drink.

You can go out with your friends, stay sober, and still have fun... although if your friends have nothing else in their life but the desire to "get pretty wasted", you may find that after a round or two, you've had enough of those friends and would rather move on... to other friends.

There's nothing wrong with drinking... as long as it doesn't rule over you.

[ilovcali]

It's not my friend's fault for how they live. In fact, before I met my ex, I was so happy being single. I didn't go out so often. I never felt lonely. I'd go out maybe once or twice a week. I'd study most evenings, play some online poker, and go to bed, wake up, and go the gym the next morning. It was possibly the happiest I've ever been. No attachments, just school, and myself.

However, right now, I don't want to stay at home. I do feel the lonliness. She lived with me, so I was not really alone during the time I dated her. While dating her, I enjoyed not being alone in the evenings. I grew accustomed to it. So now, I am back to where I was before I met her, only, I'm not so happy. She is something I miss.

My friends do go to the bars almost every evening. I simply can't do that. But when I sit at home on the evenings, I definitely feel the lack of her presence. That's why jujitsu is so awesome. Three evenings a week. I'm actually planning on starting another class too, so another weekend is occupied. Only thing I can think of to thwart the bottle.

[momincali]

When it comes down to it, drinking is taking the easy way out.
1. You don't have to stay home alone.
2. You can hang out with your friends.
3. You can feel like you're part of the crowd.
4. It numbs your pain, well at least for a while.
5. It kills time.
So many reasons to drink, especially every night, I wonder why everybody doesn't do it?

Maybe it's because there are truly more cons, than pros.
1. Slowly becoming an alcoholic is not good.
2. Kills your liver.
3. Makes your breath stink.
4. It's fattening.
5. It impedes your good judgment, like drinking and driving.
6. Increases depression.
7. Robs your wallet blind.
8. The hangover pretty much makes you dysfunctional the next day.
9. It's a turn off.
10. It's only liquid courage.

I can go on, but it's not necessary. Have you considered talking to your friends about it? Maybe you're not the only one who feels this way. Maybe some of them feel the same way but think they have no way out, so they do it too. Even if that's not the case, continuing on this path is clearly not the answer. Trust me when I tell you that you are FAR better off alone at home sitting in a dark closet than continuing this behavior. Making drinking your way out won't end here. If you ever get married and have children, stress, confusion and chaos will certainly come your way, how will you handle it? With booze? Realize your mistake now, before it becomes your habit of choice.

Hang with them but don't drink booze. I think phillysteakandcheese sounds like a real cool and strong man, he's not afraid of taking some bull from his friends for a while for making the right choice. If that is too difficult, go to the nearest bookstore, the kind with a built in coffee place and hang there, even if you are alone, you'll be far stronger. The stronger you are, the more clear headed you are, the faster you will get over this break up, and the richer you will be.