[confused25]

Hey quit beating yourself up; you don't have a problem at all. As others have mentioned, you have no idea how she feels, but honestly it doesn't matter. If you keep thinking about what she is thinking it will only make things worse. Be aware that one month isn't that long and it may take a while for you to move one. Some people, because they love too much or become attached too much, take longer to move on. This is normal and just a sign that you need to work on yourself. Just keep doing what your doing, stay busy, work out, hang with friends, and eventually--whether you believe it or not--she will become a distant memory.

[talaniman]

What you feel is natural and human, Your supposed to feel bad right now. Time will heal if you go on with your life. Now get off that pity pot and get back to work. Stop worrying about her and make some positive moves in your own behalf. Stop making yourself miserable.

[Wildcat21]

Yeah - every time ou start to think about her, think about something else... sports, another woman, something fun or funny

[s_cianci]

First of all, you did the right thing by not letting her get away with anything and everything. Secondly, don't assume that her life is all peaches and cream because it probably isn't. If she is "content, perhaps already with a new man, not even giving you a second thought", you can be sure she's going to play him just the same as she played you. Hopefully the poor sap will realize in time what she is and give her the heave-ho and fast! If instead he's willing to take her crap she'll keep dishing it out and that's why women like that do that kind of stuff, because of men like that that let them get away with it. This is her problem, not yours. She doesn't know how to treat people properly and it will come back to haunt her if it already hasn't. Sooner or later there's going to be a guy who'll REFUSE to tolerate her nonsense and he'll let her have it and good. This is not to say that he'll harm her physically (although he might and she could be setting herself up for that sort of thing) but he'll put her in her place and her world will come crashing down and she'll probably need to spend some time in a psych ward. After all that she may eventually straighten out or she may not. But as for yourself, be of good cheer, be happy that you'er rid of her and continue enjoying your life without her. When you get to feeling down about the whole situation just remember all the bad things and only the bad things about her. Make yourself a list if it helps. That'll help you cope and not let it get in the way of the things you'er doing now.

[Skell]

Great awesome advice abover here.
Don't sit at home and give yourself an escuse to be miserable.
It is going to hurt mate. It will hurts for months to come.
I'm 5 months down the track and it is still hurting. But I am going good too. The hurt doesn't control my life because I don't let it.
Be strong and stay on top of it. Let it out like you have here, learn and move on bigger and better.

It will be smeall steps but you'll get there.

As I said I still feel the pain everyday. But keep up the no contact. You need to concentrate on what you can do for YOU. You can only control what you do. Not her.

Look aftr yourself and keep moving forward. Sometimes there will be setbacks but I guarenteee you'll overcome them and get so much out of the expereince.

[ilovcali]

I saw my ex for the first time in over a month this last weekend. I did not break NO CONTACT. She came into the bar that she knows my friends and I hang out in, which was odd. I never go anywhere I think she might be. The second night, at a bbq, she didn't talk to me again. I went to the bbq, because it was a school party. Even thought I didn't want to because I knew she might be there, my friends said I should go. I finally went and talked to her. Maybe a mistake in the whole "get her back" scheme, but I can't behave like that being almost 30. I just feel like a bad person completely not acknowledging someone I once was so close too. Someone who lived with me.

My ex is very immature in my opinion. And to top it off, she has not even bothered returning any of my stuff. She still has some of my clothes, and my apt. key. I finally emailed her yesterday and asked her to return my stuff. My landlord has been asking me to get the key back, so I had to email her. She still has not returned any of the stuff, nor did she reply to my email.

It is cruel behavior. It is one thing to no longer love someone, but it is another to completely eradicate them from your mind. Like you never existed to them. That hurts a lot. And that seems like what my ex has done. I've had break ups in the past, but none of them led to the ex never acknowledging me again. They'd at least say hi if they saw me and talk to me.

Do people like this ever get their just deserts? Do they ever learn that you shouldn't do this to someone else? I mean she had one other boyfriend, who cheated on her several times. But she put up with him for 3 years. Even broke-up and then took him back. I never did such things, I was always supportive of her, and she treats me so cruelly after our break-up. I acknowledge I didn't do everything right in the relatioship. If you remember, I yelled at her one day because some of the thing she was doing.

I just feel so awful and like such a loser. I don't know what I did to deserve a girl who could learn to hate me so thoroughly. I'm even casually dating a new girl now, who is very nice to me. The new girl is really good to me, and I treat her well too, but I keep it casual. I see her maybe once a week.

My ex used to be so nice to me, and now she pretends I don't even exist. How can someone who cared about, supposedly loved you, wanted to marry you, have kids with you, hate you so much? Could I have really hurt her so much? That yelling was more powerful than actions? And that was only one day that I yelled at her.

She wronged me much more than I wronged her. And she is the one who hates me. I have lost so much faith in things after my experience with her. I have never treated people badly, not even after a break-up. And the person I loved most, treats me like crap afterwards, and during the relationship, she was usually the one who was doing things wrong too.

I am at a loss. How can people be like this? I guess part of me just hopes she suffers someday because of how she treated me. And she treats me this, all with a smile, which is even worse. Do people like this ever suffer for their wrongdoings? I know that sounds awful, but she just hurt me so much, and it was not justified.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just really upset, sad, angry. I'm trying to focus on other things, but sometimes, it is very hard.

[wap]

What an awful situation to be in, I am sorry to hear that. I am about 2 months into a breakup. It does hurt that you were so close to the person, I feel the same in that way, it's like how can they just cut you off?

You have gone about things in the right way. Other members like Skell and Wildcat have been giving me great advice and support. I am sure they will be able to give you good avice too. Maybe if you carry on with the no contact thing for a while, and then try to get your stuff back again later.

[Wildcat21]

Dude - did you send the e-mail? I hope you left the stuff OUT about the call.

[ilovcali]

I sent this email. It's verbatim.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, could you return my house key and hoodie? My landlord has been
Asking about the house key, and I miss the "Special Blend".

It was really nice talking to you Saturday night. It was awkward for me
Too. But I couldn't see you two nights in a row, and not acknowledge your
Presence. It seems retarded.

Take care, and good luck with school. I'm sure you're on you way to a
First authorship in no time!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[valinors_sorrow]

How someone treats me is not a reflection on me, but rather on them. How I treat others is a reflection on me and not on them. It's a good thing to keep straight at all times. And it is sad, the poor choices and ill-mannered behaviors I see far too often these days. My only solution is to rise above. I can see what class you have in wishing her well and so does the world -- you only need to trust it will come back to you in time. It really does work that way. We reap what we sow.

[confused25]

Does karma exist? Well in my opinion if you treat someone badly then you'll eventually end up receiving that same treatment. So will your ex-girlfriend get what she deserves? Maybe, but if she does your likely to never know about it, so just forget about her getting her just dessert.

I understand she hurt you, and it's definitely understandable that you're angry, but don't let these thoughts consume you. Let your anger out, and after you have done that move on with your life.

Forget about this girl and don't grant her the luxury of being on your mind. You deserve better and that's what you will get. Let her go and don't ever think about her again. The way she is treating you means that she doesn't even deserve a friendship.

This situation may not look like there is a positive to it, but trust me you will be a much better and stronger person in a few months because of it. In the end you will be thanking her for what she did.

[Wildcat21]

Good - glad you left the call part out - shines a good light on you. Important.

[SINGLE4]

I feel your pain but when my boyfriend of 3 years "dumped" me... I would avoid him at all costs! I have not seen him in 2 1/2 years! It is easier (to me) to get over someone if I don't have to see them! I know he asks about me to our mutual friends but... I don't want to see them! (**OUT OF SIGHT... OUT OF MIND! )

I think you are the bigger person here! It is very obvious that she is immature! You are not a "LOSER"! Take this "new girl" relationship slow! You are on the rebound now and now is no time to start a new relationship!

I've always liked the saying from the bible -- "do unto others as you would want done to you"! You still treat her as a person and not a "piece of crap" like she is treating you! I wouldn't change a thing of what you are doing! Just hang in there!

[kp2171]

Well, she needs to return the stuff she has. That's just rude and holding something over you.

I understand you want things civil, but your email, in my opinion, still shows her she has the upper hand on you emotionally too. I would just keep all correspondence basic and don't let her know you are broken up or upset at all. Your admission is getting you nowhere, and she's seemingly enjoying having the upper hand.

Glad you seem to have someone else around now. Just be sure to take it slow. Its easy to do stupid things when you are not still completely grounded.

[ilovcali]

I agree with you all. Trust me, I did not contact the ex once, in over a month. She shows up on Friday to the bar she KNOWS my friends and I go to. She sees me, walks right past me, then walks past me on the way out. Not a word. Which is fine and understandable.

But the following night, at the bbq, she is there again. This is a departmental get together as we are both in grad school together. Again, she says nothing. I will be in grad school for 3 more years, and she will be here too. I thought I should just say hi and talk to her. We're both almost 30, this isn't high school.

But why on earth does she still hold onto my stuff? It's been over a month. Shouldn't she have the decency to return my things? That should be of her own voliton, I wouldn't have to email, if she had returned them. I'm even OK with not getting all my clothes back. But my landlord does want the apt. key returned.

As for the new girl, I am taking it slow. I've seen her three times in the last month. About as slow as I can be. I'm not emotionally available to anyone at this point.

I understand most of what is going on, but my ex's behavior is just irrational. Who doesn't return someone's things after a break up? I'm just stunned and baffled.

[SINGLE4]

I agree with you all. Trust me, I did not contact the ex once, in over a month. She shows up on Friday to the bar she KNOWS my friends and I go to. She sees me, walks right past me, then walks past me on the way out. Not a word. Which is fine and understandable.

But the following night, at the bbq, she is there again. This is a departmental get together as we are both in grad school together. Again, she says nothing. I will be in grad school for 3 more years, and she will be here too. I thought I should just say hi and talk to her. We're both almost 30, this isn't high school.

But why on earth does she still hold onto my stuff? It's been over a month. Shouldn't she have the decency to return my things? That should be of her own voliton, I wouldn't have to email, if she had returned them. I'm even ok with not getting all my clothes back. But my landlord does want the apt. key returned.

As for the new girl, I am taking it slow. I've seen her three times in the last month. About as slow as I can be. I'm not emotionally available to anyone at this point.

I understand most of what is going on, but my ex's behavior is just irrational. Who doesn't return someones things after a break up? I'm just stunned and baffled.

In stead of playing along with this game she is playing with you... GO TO HER PLACE AND GET THE KEY! Then you will not have to e-mail her or ask her for it! Don't act made and don't act excited when you go to her place to get it! Just be cool and say that you really need that key back!

[valinors_sorrow]

I understand most of what is going on, but my ex's behavior is just irrational. Who doesn't return someones things after a break up? I'm just stunned and baffled.

Don't be stunned or baffled anymore-- otherwise you'll miss the lesson here, perpetuate you being naïve and sign up, unfortunately, to learn this all again later. Know that its just some very kindergarten stuff that goes like this: "you hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back because then I won't feel as hurt!" People try it with anger too in place of hurt. Its called revenge. The really screwy thing is it doesn't work, it doesn't reduce the hurt. But people foolishly attempt it anyway, at least the immature ones do. Sadly, the world has immature, ill-mannered people in it. Part of gaining wisdom from an experience is coming to the (painful) awareness that not everyone operates like you do. You will recognise them easier and avoid them more in the future, if this lesson is learned well now. It sounds like you are really applying yourself to it -- good for you! You are waking up, this is good!

As for the clothes and lock, I would give it very few chances (I like the one about go over and get them) and then solve it without her coopersation. Buy new clothes and replace the locks, if it comes to that. The loss could have been so much more, frankly.

[tirednhurt86]

This question you asked is something that also confuses me... my ex dumped me after 2 years together- we were practically engaged and our families were very close. I seriously thought he was "the one" and I know he felt that way too-( in the beginning anyhow). So how can someone you once loved and who loved you just up and leave and never look back and think that they are better off now? I just don't get it. My ex left and never once looked back- which is fine since he decided to end it, but how can you plan a life with someone, give yourself to them completely and be left with nothing? And how can they in return, after receiving so much from you pretend like they no longer know you and that they never did? I don't know the answer but it is something I struggle with almost every day. My ex is going on with his life as if he never knew me and although I guess that's how it is after you dump someone, it still hurts to know that he is over me and moving on and seeming to be much happier now. All I can say to you is stay strong, and remember that you are the better person in this because you cared enough to at least acknowledge her presence. And with the whole returning stuff- I returned all my exs stuff because he asked me to- and I asked him for my stuff- he said he would return it- and he never did! Since I don't want to see him right now, I'm going to wait until I'm ready to deal with it sometime in the future... but I know what its like to be like why won't he return MY stuff? Anyhow... goodluck with everything!

[Skell]

I'm in the same boat as you and tirednhurt.
Ex has gone and not looking back.
We just have to deal with.
We can't control their actions but we can ours.
So be true to yourself and act honestly.
Be the man you are and keep moving forward.
You have great advice here and I can't really add much other than I share your pain as does tirednhurt. We are all in the same boat.
But you can get through it. Everyone on this site is testament to that!

[valinors_sorrow]

im in the same boat as you and tirednhurt.
Ex has gone and not lookign back.
We just have to deal with.
we can't control their actions but we can ours.
So be true to yourself and act honestly.
Be the man you are and keep moving forward.
you have great advice here and i can't really add much other than i share your pain as does tirednhurt. we are all in the same boat.
but you can get through it. everyone on this site is testament to that!

What an incredible powerful statement that is!