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LovesAnimals · Feb 26, 2009, 05:14 PM

Moved to new thread

I've been with him for 7 1/2 years and just recently it's escalated to physical violence to me. He's never laid a hand on me before. I was tired of constantly arguing with him over every little thing. He always had to have things ultimately his way. He didn't speak to me in a very respectful manner... just wasn't nice.

One final incident put me over the edge. I was already seeking personal counseling to try to figure out how to communicate to him how unhappy I was and to find out if he was truly abusive or if I was just exaggerating things, you know? The incident was still in my mind where he embarrassed me in front of friends at lunch telling me to "knock it off", yelling at me more like it, when I jumped into a conversation and talked over him. Mind you I did that quite often and tried to remember not to and just did this time. We had already been arguing that morning on whether I was going to the lunch or not (I was sick and really wanted to stay home but he wanted me to go). When he yelled one couple looked shocked... I put my menu up and silently cried. My heart and feelings hurt once again. I just couldn't let it go. I went home after the counseling appointment and asked him to leave. He did the next day because I just told him I needed space to figure things out which I did.

A month went by and he was trying to contact me and showing up at the house at least once a week. Then one night he came back and threatened to kill himself. I tried to stop him (calling 911) and he choked me. He moved back.

It's gotten better then worse. Another night after being turned down "intimately" yet again he choked me worse pretty much close to death.

He's still at the house and we are going to couples counciling and swears he sees the errors of his ways (treating me badly in the past) but still downplays the physical abuse. Is there any real hope for our relationship? Counselors have told me that it's not but I just don't want to believe them... you know. I wish I could just erase everything bad that's happened from my brain and just start over on a clean slate :(

Any thoughts?

talaniman · Feb 26, 2009, 05:58 PM

You really need to get away from him and be safe while you heal. It takes an awful lot of work on both your parts to cope with this and I honestly don't think he is into trying. This may be something you do on your own without the threat he poses to you by being there. Please protect yourself.

HighandDryinnNy · Feb 26, 2009, 06:01 PM

File a police report, make your family aware. This cannot go on. It will only get worse. If you are afraid of leaving, just think of the alternative. One of these days you might not be so lucky.

UnluckyDucky · Feb 26, 2009, 06:09 PM

While I can appreciate the way you are feeling about your situation and your relationship, you have to realize that your life is in danger. It is easy to get caught in the emotions and feelings of wanting to reconcile with a partner that you've been with for a long time however there is a real physical danger here - especially with him "downplaying" the physical violence.

You said he nearly choked you to death. You need to be careful and to protect yourself. You need to believe that you do NOT deserve this treatment.

LovesAnimals · Feb 27, 2009, 10:04 AM

Thank you for your input on my situation... I'm just so confused most of the time:confused:

He said both instances where he lost control and choked me were because he had taken a "happy pill" he had gotten from some friends. He said he'd never do it again. But... one thing about the last incident just sticks in my head. After he let go of me and I was laying on the ground promising not to call the cops and I reached for my phone again he pushed his and my phone out of my way and then I didn't try again. If he was that out of control why would he have thought to still keep the phone out of my reach? He wouldn't be thinking rationally right and he was...

The more time that passes the harder and more blurred everything becomes and the more confused I get from everything. Like I said in 7 1/2 years he's never laid a hand on my until just recently but then again I've always submitted to make things smoothed over or trusted and believed in what he said.

He says I'm giving up on the marriage and then I feel like I'm failing him you know? He professes marriage is for better or worse and that the bible states that the only thing that should dissolve a marriage is adultery which hasn't happened.

In counseling he admits he was wrong in how he's talked to me and treated me but doesn't really address the whole physical aspect and says "what I'm going to be counseling the rest of my life for that...I was wrong and it was wrong". He says that I'm just going to have problems in any other relationship I'm in so why not "communicate" and work on the problems with him. He says if I don't talk about and try to fix the problems then I'll just be in wreckage with any relationship I'm in... That makes some sense to me but I don't know?

Can I really honestly forget everything and be okay? I'm thinking not really and I really wish I could. I know he's hurting right now too and I hate to see him upset and hurting... I know all the articles and counselors and discussions I've read have told me to pack up and leave but it's hard. I'm the one who supports us financially working two jobs (he's only been out of work for about 8 months... but I don't feel he's even trying) and now that the unemployment is about out and tips are down we can't afford the bills...

Is there any hope for our relationship or am I just putting off the inevitable? I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished but it's been 7 1/2 years. Yeah there have been good times but so much hurt too... Who tells their spouse "oh well it will be easier with only two dogs" when you are in the middle of searching for your lost dog hysterically crying? We had just moved 2,500 miles away from my home town where I knew no one but him so already kind of emotional...

Does anyone think this relationship is fixable? He's made some improvements in his behavior but I feel like he's just doing it because that's what he needs to do...

Romefalls19 · Feb 27, 2009, 10:13 AM

Get away or next time you won't live to tell the tale. Far too often women don't report it and then end up dead. Don't fall victim to his heartless apology.

jaxz16 · Feb 27, 2009, 10:48 AM

I witnessed my mum go through that and it was absolutely heartbreaking and I don't think any of my siblings or my mum was ever the same after that. No one deserves to be treated that way. Chances are if it happens once it will happen again. Don't wait until it's to late to get away from that type of situation. Because I watched my mother get pulled into it and it broke her in so many more ways then just the obvious physical pain.

UnluckyDucky · Feb 27, 2009, 11:11 AM

Thank you for your input on my situation... I'm just so confused most of the time:confused:

He said both instances where he lost control and choked me were because he had taken a "happy pill" he had gotten from some friends. He said he'd never do it again. But... one thing about the last incident just sticks in my head. After he let go of me and I was laying on the ground promising not to call the cops and I reached for my phone again he pushed his and my phone out of my way and then I didn't try again. If he was that out of control why would he have thought to still keep the phone out of my reach? He wouldn't be thinking rationally right and he was...

The more time that passes the harder and more blurred everything becomes and the more confused I get from everything. Like I said in 7 1/2 years he's never laid a hand on my until just recently but then again I've always submitted to make things smoothed over or trusted and believed in what he said.

He says I'm giving up on the marriage and then I feel like I'm failing him you know? He professes marriage is for better or worse and that the bible states that the only thing that should dissolve a marriage is adultery which hasn't happened.

In counseling he admits he was wrong in how he's talked to me and treated me but doesn't really address the whole physical aspect and says "what I'm going to be counseling the rest of my life for that...I was wrong and it was wrong". He says that I'm just going to have problems in any other relationship I'm in so why not "communicate" and work on the problems with him. He says if I don't talk about and try to fix the problems then I'll just be in wreckage with any relationship I'm in... That makes some sense to me but I don't know?

Can I really honestly forget everything and be okay? I'm thinking not really and I really wish I could. I know he's hurting right now too and I hate to see him upset and hurting... I know all the articles and counselors and discussions I've read have told me to pack up and leave but it's hard. I'm the one who supports us financially working two jobs (he's only been out of work for about 8 months... but I don't feel he's even trying) and now that the unemployment is about out and tips are down we can't afford the bills...

Is there any hope for our relationship or am I just putting off the inevitable? I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished but it's been 7 1/2 years. Yeah there have been good times but so much hurt too... Who tells their spouse "oh well it will be easier with only two dogs" when you are in the middle of searching for your lost dog hysterically crying? We had just moved 2,500 miles away from my home town where I knew no one but him so already kind of emotional...

Does anyone think this relationship is fixable? He's made some improvements in his behavior but I feel like he's just doing it because that's what he needs to do...

It can be very confusing at times but one thing remains clear - happy pills or no, he crossed that line into physical violence. Not once, but TWICE!

I personally don't buy his explanation but let's just suppose he is telling the truth about the pills. He is ultimately responsible for putting himself in the position to hurt you physically, right? His friends didn't strap him into a chair, force his mouth open, and make him take the pills did they? It's the same thing when people go out and get drunk and lose control. They took that first sip of booze - they are responsible for whatever happens after that!

One of my ex's was in an extremely abusive relationship. Her husband at the time was controlling and manipulative - she KNEW she was in a bad situation and part of why she stayed with him was because of the whole "for better or worse". Well this "for better or worse" escalated to the point where she was thrown from a car and was nearly killed. Bible or not, you have a right to protect and defend yourself from harm. Now as far as him saying you should try to work things out, he hasn't even owned up to how serious his actions were. I'm sorry but if his idea of "communicating" involves choking, I'd politely decline that offer - and so should you.

I know you want to forget all that has happened. I know you wish things were back to the way they were before. But none of that is possible - we don't live in the past. We live in the now. I know this is so hard for you but you need to find the strength inside yourself to do what you already know must be done. Take a step back and listen to your own words...

I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished

Don't give up on yourself! Put your mind into getting out of this. You deserve better than this mess.

Synnen · Feb 27, 2009, 11:57 AM

Get out.

My sister stayed with an abusive husband for 7 years, until he pulled a gun on her in front of their kids.

He, too, had to always have things his way, and manipulated her into believing that every time he lost control, if SHE had just done something different, then HE wouldn't have reacted like that.

YOU should control you. YOU should make you happy. All your man is doing is making you believe that you do not deserve to be happy, and that he's the only thing that can make you happy.

You are NOT a failure. You are NOT supposed to stay in a marriage where your husband hurts you.

Maybe the wedding vows WERE for better or for worse. Maybe the Bible DOES say that the only reason for a divorce is adultery. But the Bible ALSO says that a man should love his wife like Jesus loves the Church--reverantly, protecting her, putting her first in his thoughts and heart.

He doesn't do that. Therefore HE is the one going against the Bible. He is NOT going to change.

File a police report, and ask the officer that takes your statement where your local women's shelter is.

Do NOT go back to this man no matter what. He treats you worse than most people treat their DOGS--and you're not a dog, honey, you're a woman who deserves better than the scraps that he's throwing you.

LovesAnimals · Mar 2, 2009, 03:59 PM

Thank you all for your thoughts and help in trying to understand how things really are. I know I don't deserve to be treated badly because no one does you know? That's why I feel so bad... I know I'm hurting him.

But I think everyone is right in that things aren't going to get better no matter how hard I wish and hope them too.

This last weekend was another trial of all that. Fairly uneventful all weekend because I slept a lot to catch up on missed sleep during the week. Then Sunday around 11am all the furry came out!

He started yelling how I was selfish and he needed intimate attention and love and that I can go to work (my second job at the bar) and get tips and show them more attention than I show him. He spouts that we should melt our rings and get money for them... Then I try to explain that I'm hurt by what's happened and he says it's a cop out and I'm not taking his feelings into consideration at all.

He says he leaves me alone and doesn't but me but he gets nothing in return... what cuddle time once in a while that's nothing he says. Then he slams things around and knocks things over. He says he's leaving and filing for divorce and then said to have fun at the counselor by myself because he's not going and I can just tell him it's over. I didn't beg him to stay but told him I was doing the best I could. He said no I wasn't and that I just needed to let go so we could start with a clean slate.

He doesn't leave but keeps on and cuddles until I finally give in to sex because I really don't have any option because the fighting and pushing wouldn't have stopped and I needed rest for work. I got to bed around 2am...

Today he texts that he called his perscription in (he used to ask me to do it) and then said he was making us a good dinner and desert for after the counselor and sorry he blew up last night but he just wants love and a smile from me every now and then. Then he texts later to ask when the appointment is and hopes I have a good day and professes how much he loves me.

Is this behavior insane or am I just over exaggerating someone who is just frustrated??

Thanks...
LovesAnimals

Justwantfair · Mar 2, 2009, 04:10 PM

He is now in the honeymoon phase, so no this behavior is NORMAL for an abuser.

Things start in the honeymoon stage, he is apologetic, attentive, helpful, everything a wonderful partner is.

Then you move into the tension building, things are shorter, not as much attention, his temper is building.

Then finally you have the blow up, the abuse cycle at it's worse. The fight, the name calling, the throwing, pushing, screaming, injuries. After this we can return to the honeymoon stage.

You are in an abusive relationship and all of the excuses you can make, do not excuse the behavior. You have to get out.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 2, 2009, 04:26 PM

That's why I feel so bad... I know I'm hurting him.

Whoa, hold on now... I fail to see how YOU are hurting HIM. You are feeling guilt for his actions? You need to snap out of that way of thinking. You have to remember something, he is ultimately responsible for how HE reacts to a given situation. It isn't like you blatantly provoked this kind of behavior from him. His reaction was NOT normal. Please stop blaming yourself for this. You are the victim here, not him!

But I think everyone is right in that things aren't going to get better no matter how hard I wish and hope them too.

In times like this, I hate being right. I'm sorry he has put you in a situation to make you feel this way.

This last weekend was another trial of all that. Fairly uneventful all weekend because I slept a lot to catch up on missed sleep during the week. Then Sunday around 11am all the furry came out!

He started yelling how I was selfish and he needed intimate attention and love and that I can go to work (my second job at the bar) and get tips and show them more attention than I show him. He spouts that we should melt our rings and get money for them... Then I try to explain that I'm hurt by what's happened and he says it's a cop out and I'm not taking his feelings into consideration at all.

How selfish you are because HE wanted sex but you have TWO jobs you work to earn money? He's out of his mind. It is funny how he's the first to say that you aren't taking HIS feelings into consideration yet he hasn't given a damn about yours. Almost ridiculous really.

He says he leaves me alone and doesn't but me but he gets nothing in return... what cuddle time once in a while that's nothing he says. Then he slams things around and knocks things over. He says he's leaving and filing for divorce and then said to have fun at the counselor by myself because he's not going and I can just tell him it's over. I didn't beg him to stay but told him I was doing the best I could. He said no I wasn't and that I just needed to let go so we could start with a clean slate.

You know you're doing the best you can - EVERYONE here can see it too! But of course, he goes off and says you're not. Is HE doing the best he can? Clean slate yet "he slams things and knocks things over"? Just a matter of time until he starts doing that to you again... Actions speak louder than words.

He doesn't leave but keeps on and cuddles until I finally give in to sex because I really don't have any option because the fighting and pushing wouldn't have stopped and I needed rest for work. I got to bed around 2am...

Today he texts that he called his perscription in (he used to ask me to do it) and then said he was making us a good dinner and desert for after the counselor and sorry he blew up last night but he just wants love and a smile from me every now and then. Then he texts later to ask when the appointment is and hopes I have a good day and professes how much he loves me.

Is this behavior insane or am I just over exaggerating someone who is just frustrated??

Thanks...
LovesAnimals

I'm usually the first to say that I believe that there is good in everyone, but this behavior is clearly insane and absolutely unacceptable. You needed to get some sleep for your TWO jobs and he pretty much PRESSURES you into having sex. Very not cool.

This guy is really bad news. The best thing for you to do in my opinion is get out of this relationship PRONTO! He has TONS of issues he needs to work out on his own. You deserve so much better than this!

mandywebster97 · Mar 2, 2009, 04:30 PM

There is no way you should still be in that relationship. It is a dangerous predicament and you need to get out. Don't think about how it was before because this is for your own safety.

LovesAnimals · Mar 2, 2009, 04:58 PM

I am really stuck though... We are so buried in debt, I'm 2500 miles away from my family and I really don't have any real close friends out here. I want to get away but when I've tried it hasn't worked so well...

He has family so I asked him to leave, well he ended up back and choked me twice now. I applied to rent a house but they turned me down because of my credit. I have good credit but owe so much that it shows my one job won't cover everything and my second job is tips only so non-verifiable. I was so upset last Friday so that's why I decided to give everything another real shot but I guess I really didn't because I can't let go...

I spent today at work looking for other places to rent and found a place that will accept all my pets but I have to set up a showing and yet again ask my retired parents to please help me out... I feel like such a loser and a failure.

Then even if I move out, that doesn't mean that he's out of my life. He knows where I work (both jobs) and will probably be able to find me. Heck he'll probably follow me when I move because it's not like he's not going to know. My life is a complete wreck and I'm losing faith in everything...

I've tried to be a hard worker and treat others as I'd like to be treated for the most part except I can't give give give to him any more. I know he's hurting because I'm not being the sweet loving wife I once was with my eyes and mouth closed. I thought he could never do any wrong.

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now? He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past? I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head. I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect... I understand change does not happen over night but... really?

Alty · Mar 2, 2009, 05:18 PM

I'm not being the sweet loving wife I once was with my eyes and mouth closed. I thought he could never do any wrong.

Why should he expect you to be the sweet loving wife, and why should you keep your eyes and mouth closed? He's not your master, he's your husband.

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now?

Has he taken your feelings into consideration? If someone you didn't know treated you like this, would you put up with it?

He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past?

Saying something and showing something are two different things. He can talk until he's blue in the face, they're just words, and his actions say that he is sorry and won't stop, so yes, he should be condemned forever!

I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect

No one is perfect, but most people are kind, caring and loving. It really isn't that hard not to yell at someone, not to beat someone. He can't manage it, and he never will.

I know it's hard to leave, he has pushed you down to the point that you don't think you can make it on your own. It won't be easy, there will be hard roads ahead of you, but you can do it.

Would you rather be the girl who left, pulled herself up and found life, or the girl that stayed because of debt and fear and ended up 6 feet under?

This isn't going to have a happy ending, I promise you. Most times I would say "seek counselling, try and make it work" but not when there is abuse and it's obvious that he won't change.

We see it, you see it, but only you can do something about it. We can only offer encouragement, and we are encouraging you to leave.

Not one person so far has told you to hang on, give it another chance. That alone should tell you something. We're looking at this situation without prejudice, we see the clear picture, so listen to us, because I know we're all right about this.

Take care of yourself, get out now!

UnluckyDucky · Mar 2, 2009, 05:27 PM

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now? He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past? I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head. I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect... I understand change does not happen over night but... really?

Was he taking your feelings or well-being into consideration when he choked you? Or when he yelled at you in that public restaurant? Or when he pressured you into having sex with him time and time again? Hell no he didn't.

The fact that he's still acting violently and still is not taking YOU into consideration speaks volumes. He's taking advantage of your good nature by putting the GUILT on you to forgive him. He's shown no remorse here. He's just been sweet talking you again but I suspect that it is just a game. As you said, change doesn't happen overnight.

Don't give up. You are not a loser and you're not a failure. Family and friends are supposed to be there when you're in a time of need and you definitely are. You also definitely deserve better than this treatment.

You need to get out of there and get a restraining order. Call the police department/sheriff's office to see if they can refer you to a local battered woman's shelter or at least point you to resources that can help you. There may be some additional resources online you may be able to find that may help.

By the way, I like how he's using the fact that "he's not perfect" as an excuse to do whatever, whenever, however it is he wants. That is not right at all...

Synnen · Mar 3, 2009, 06:52 AM

You're not listening.

You are going to end up in the hospital or dead if you do not leave. Go. NOW!

When he is at work, go to the local police station. Take, at most, 2 bags of the things you don't want to lose/can't live without. File a report. Get a restraining order. Ask for the women's shelter.

I guarantee you that he will NOT be able to be near you if you have a restraining order and live in the women's shelter.

Honey, please---listen to me. We are NOT exaggerating. You are going to DIE if you do not leave.

I don't give a monkey's fart what HIS feelings are, or what HE is going through. You shouldn't either. NO ONE deserves this!

And honey--he's not going to listen to your logic on this. Sorry, but he's not. He doesn't care about logic, he cares about controlling you.

Just leave.

mandywebster97 · Mar 3, 2009, 01:49 PM

I know it may be hard not having family to support you. Im use to family because my familys houses surround me. Anyway I really am scared for you. This is what I would do...

Go to the police station and file a report stay there a little while if it makes you feel safer
pack only what is neccesary and get out of the hous immediatly
Go to a house that belongs to anyone you can trust preferrably family

I know this is a lot but maybe I can ask one of my family members because she is in a bad relationship. But do you really think he still loves you? If your answer is maybe or yes close your eyes and think about this...
Now love should be the strongest emotion in your marriage. First you must realize what love is. Love is much more than doing nice things for someone, its charishing everything about them, flaws and all. You shouldn't be able to hurt someone you truly love and go to sleep at night. That person might really be fine and is living their life. Hurting you isn't bothering them. If he continues to do its not bothering him and it will get worse. This means no he does not love you as you should be loved. YOU DESERVEBETTER;)

mandywebster97 · Mar 3, 2009, 02:04 PM

I thought he could never do any wrong

.
obviously not he could kill you. Get out if you value having a phisically and mentally healthy life.

I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head.

Sometimes you can't wait for time it might not EVER change. And the real question is dos he love you.

De4rest · Mar 3, 2009, 10:04 PM

One thing I know, I've experienced abused. Yeah, he will tell you that he loved you, he messed up etc. but based on my experience, it will happen again and again. He does not love you, he is being selfish! He knows that he can do that to you and you will still love him etc. why would not he stay? You pay the bills etc. you can take care of him, you can give him what he wants (sex) etc.
Well, didn't you say earlier if you put your mind into something it can happen?? Then, you should be able to break free from your husband if you want to. Call your mom or dad or friends back there and tell them about your situation. I am sure they will help you and can support you. Quit jobs and change into another if you have to. You don't need to tell him where you change jobs etc. OR just go back to your family, take a personal leave for a few days. You can make friends from your workplace too right?? Also, praying to God helps and He will gives you a way out.

Btw, you said your husband threatened you before too right? He has treated you badly, you realized it, but now back to you... do u still want to be with him and work things out? If you do, think twice why would you want to be with him? What has he given you? Are you happy by staying with him? Is it more happiness or sadness when you're with him? Do you feel safe when you're around him? Can you trust him not to do that again? Be honest, don't fantasize he will change, just answer it honestly. He said he wanted a divorce, in my opinion sooner or later he will divorced you. I don't know when but when he's not satisfied with you, he'll say it again to hurt you or do stuff to you. Wow, that can lower yourself esteem you know. It's not healthy for you.