[Rhiannnonn]

He's still at the house and we are going to couples counciling and swears he sees the errors of his ways (treating me badly in the past) but still downplays the physical abuse. Is there any real hope for our relationship? Counselors have told me that it's not but I just don't want to believe them...you know. I wish I could just erase everything bad that's happened from my brain and just start over on a clean slate :(

Ok, you don't want to believe what the counselors have told you? Then how about hearing from someone who's been there?

I grew up abused, and somehow, that has a way of making it easier to end up in an abusive relationship. I've been beaten black and blue. I've had guns pointed right under my nose. I've even been shot as I walked away from one guy. My third husband, who was physically abusive starting as soon as the marriage license was signed, even threatened me via letters that he would be stalking me as soon as he got out of prison. (Why he was in prison, I never got a straight story but that was where he ended up after I had him removed from the house. The prison was in another state. - He missed out on being paroled because I contacted the prison and they were horrified by the letters he was sending me.) I have been stalked for refusing to be someone's girlfriend -- to the point of getting threatened with being fired for the number of phone calls (didn't matter that I hung up on him as soon as I heard the voice on the phone). I've been strangled so many times that I can't sing like I used to. And I've had worse than that happen, but I don't want to get that blunt.

They don't stop. Doesn't really matter what they say. It really gets old. But I figured it this way: maybe I couldn't walk away when I was a minor and it was my so-called mother beating me, but I damn sure didn't have to take that from a man.

Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that if it happens once, it's going to happen again. At first I didn't know how to begin to physically defend myself but I learned to fight back before I made myself a "standard rule." That rule was if it happened once, I would accept an apology. If it happened a second time, they wouldn't be living with me. I either left or had them removed by the police when they wouldn't take being thrown out nicely.

You don't want to stay with him. You may be going to some kind of therapy (with him?), but playing down the violence means that he doesn't take it seriously. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't have a problem.

It's not your fault. He is the one that has to control him. I bet you've heard all about how you "make [him] hit [you]." You don't make him hit you. He does that because he won't control himself enough, and because he can't control the situation. If you're not doing what he wants, how he wants, when he wants, it will set him off but it's not your fault. It's not your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT -- HOW HE BEHAVES IS HIS OWN FAULT!!! You do NOT have to take it!!

You need to get out of the relationship before he kills you. If you have to, leave and come back for your stuff with "company" (read that as "the biggest male friends you can get to go with you"). Generally, the presence of a large man will make them keep their distense while you pack your stuff and get it out.

[Rhiannnonn]

In the second paragraph above, I didn't mean that I'd been shot -- I meant that I had been shot at and missed as I was walking away.

[LovesAnimals]

Well... Survior07 the day has finally come...

So much has happened and I finally reached my breaking point. This last Sat I got a text from this chick he's been hanging out with that he was arrested for two more felony charges and that she was sitting in his car (that I pay for) in my driveway.

Long story short, I broke everything down to her about him when I drove her home. I called two of his friends to let them know what happened and then he called me. I wasn't bailing him out this time... but his friends did.

I picked him up so I could talk to him and basically tell him I had had enough when of course he gets defensive. It's late so I just go to bed but I take all the keys in the morning so he can't go anywhere. I forgot one and he's been running around ever since but he no longer has keys or access to the house.

He just sent a message asking if he was going to get his keys back or if he should stay gone and I asked if he could stop by tomorrow so we can settle everything and he agreed. Several people know he will be over and I have times I'm supposed to text to let them know things are okay... so I'm being safe.

I'm spelling everything out for him tomorrow... everything he already knows... I have reached my point and beyond! I truly, honestly want him out of my life now and don't care what he does to get by... just know I'm not footing the bill any more!

Did I mention that he took some of my jewlery and took loans on it at a pawn shop without telling me? I got everything back but he basically stole them! I told him know one was allowed over at the house and he brings a friend over to do their laundry... He is truly delusional.

He says everyone has filled my head with things (the counselor, friends, family) where I feel the only option is to leave. He says I'm giving up. If I stay with him I'm giving up on myself... no more... I'm done.

Thank you all for all your support and opinions and sharing your experiences. I will post on Saturday if I can and let you know how it all goes... if not definitely by Monday.

Thanks again... LovesAnimals

[amicon]

Good-keep this final now.
I would urge you to have someone there with you when he comes over. Good luck.

[JudyKayTee]

For whatever reason I think there's one day when you say, just as you have said, "I can't do this any more." And then it's over. It's not that you love or don't love. It's just that you don't care any more.

Stay strong! Keep in touch.

[Survivor07]

Hello Loves Animals,

Thinking about you and hoping you update soon and more importantly that you are all right.

Everyone has their breaking point when enough is enough. I hope for the best for you.

[LovesAnimals]

Hey€¦its€™s been a couple weeks since I updated.

Well on Friday I told him he couldn’t stay at the house any more and he had until Sunday to figure things out on where he was going to stay. I ended up giving him the keys to the truck for the time being because it was really rainy and chilly out and one garage door opener because he said he would just kick the door down. I just figured I would get everything back on Sunday and that would be that…not so much �

He didn’t bring the truck back and didn’t take his stuff. Mind you he has a lot of clothes and stuff but he only took enough for a day or two. Then the week started and I’m off to my hectic work schedule. I decide last weekend would be it! For real.

I packed all his clothes and shoes into storage containers and left them in the front room. Then I told him every opportunity that he couldn’t stay there anymore and I didn’t trust him. I had told him on Monday the 7th I would give him until the 13th to pull everything together.

Well….that didn’t happen but I get fed up with him using me and my home as a place to stop for food, a shower, a place to stay every once in a while…so I disabled the garage door opener so he couldn’t use that to get into the house and locked everything else up. It got his attention and he called cause he was locked out…that was today. I couldn’t get into it all when I was at work but I told him that he can’t come and go as he pleases…it’s not his house. Of course he said please don’t do this….not now…

I caved sort of. I gave him the key to unlock the door and then he returned it and said Sunday was the last day and I’d talk to him then. I’m telling him yet again that he is no longer staying at my home. I want to move on with my life and not with him… I am taking the garage door opener away from him or disconnecting it again come Sunday. He can continue to use the vehicle if he makes payments to me for it while he has it…

I feel bad cause he says he has no where to go…but that’s really not my fault. He’s the one who did the things he did and made the choices he made. He could have taken a different path but he didn’t and that was his choice, not mine! I’ve given him every opportunity to help himself yet he hasn’t…

Time to take care of me and not worry about him anymore… I need to cut all ties and that will make everything easier. I plan to file for divorce and he knows that but said I’d wait until after his case. I will use that as leverage if I have to. I honestly just really really want him out of my life.

Any suggestions on how to get him out of the house other than the cops or eviction notice. Any way to play his game so it back fires on him? I think pulling the divorce card is my only option to get him to move on…

I’m so frustrated….

Thanks, LovesAnimals

[LovesAnimals]

Sorry about the wing dings... I copy and pasted from word :(

[talaniman]

My suggestion is stop playing his game and letting him walk all over you. The cops and an eviction notice are you leverage. Get a divorce, and protect yourself.

You have procrastinated long enough, and you know it. Sorry to be harsh, but you have had all the power all along, your just afraid to use it.

[Devorameira]

You have to get out of there - you're living with a ticking time bomb. Next time he may kill you.

First of all you need to know and understand that only a very small percentage of abusers can be helped, then they have to want the help, not just a means to get you back for more, serious long term help. Some abusers actually have personality disorders and they can not be helped. There is nothing you can do to love them enough to make them well.. Do an on line search and read all you can about all the personality disorders. Do not get sucked into, but I had a terrible childhood blah blah blah, no excuse, lots of people survived bad times and don't abuse. You can't make up for or fix their childhood or give the love they did not get, it is their problem to deal and solve THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE.

Plan your escape because you will never have a normal life. Actually if you stay you may not have a life at all.


-----------------------------------------


It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.

[Survivor07]

All I can say is BE FIRM. I know you don't want to use the help that is available to you. But at least back up what you say and what you want by your ACTIONS. Lock him out. Tell him you will call the police if he tries anything. Then do it.

You have to be consistent in what you say and do to get him to believe you want him out of your life and home.

Just remember you're not dealing with a normal thinking human being here. He is an abuser. That is why everyone on here is telling you to use the resources available to you to help you remove him.

Best of luck. Please do not cave. You are on the right track. Be safe. Thinking of you

[LovesAnimals]

It's been a while since I posted because my life has been crazy... more than usual!

I decided enough was enough and packed up all his stuff... I mean everything and said he was out! Then I get a call a week and 1/2 ago early in the morning and he's in the hospital because of a car accident he was in (not at fault or any of my vehicles). Of course I go because he's on my insurance and I was the one he notified. I called his family and when I saw them I told them everything that had been going on... everything!

I went to see him several times and I reached a point where I do not go there any more and I do not speak with him unless it concerns the insurance or... oh yeah the break in.

My house was broken into last week and I suspect it was that girl he was seeing (but is not seeing any more) because they got past my dogs... and only took certain things. I thought maybe he was even behind it at first to scare me into wanting him back at the house... but they took his ID and bank information and drained his account...

Well, I guess my point to this update is that I'm staying strong and he is not coming back to my house to heal and get better and communication is only done when necessary. His stuff is packed up and will be taken to where ever he will be staying... not with me.

You are right... time to step up to the plate and stick to my guns. Enough is enough. He doesn't really love me and never has... only used me. Well he can move on and use the next girl, not me! By chance the accident happened and I'm sorry because multiple people were injured but it gave me my opportunity to get him out of my house and out of my life...

I know there is still a long road but at least I'm still moving forward and I think this is a giant step. If it's not and I'm just convincing myself it is... please someone call my attention to it... I do truly want to move on. I have to remind myself of all the things he did to me and put me through. I remind myself that he is a user and fake and the man I married doesn't exist... the one I'm with now is the true person.

Thanks for all your continued support and honestly to help me get through this and move forward. I will post again soon and let you know how things are...

Thanks again,
LovesAnimals

[JudyKayTee]

Please keep us posted - you are very often in my thoughts.

I cannot believe what you have gone through! You are one strong woman!

[sully123]

You stay strong! Were right behind you. Keep on moving forward, and never look back. Good luck.

[talaniman]

I bet taking action on your own behalf feels good right now. Keep it up.

[icemantj]

I just got out of an abusive relationship only on was on both ends. Me and my girlfriend were drunk and got into a huge fight. She punched me like 10 times and spit in my face. I then blacked out and hit her. We arnt going out anymore because I need to work on my problems. This guy doesn't seem to want to change and I'm vary happy you got out of this. I feel so bad for what I did and I'm kind of afraid of my anger now so I am seeing some help for that.

[Survivor07]

I'm happy he is out of the house. Things happen for a reason. You did take a big step. Follow through. Stay strong.

[LovesAnimals]

Hi everyone... so everything escalated completely out of control but I'm trying to get everything in order.

Many of you probably thought that I would cave and bring him back to the house after the hospital and well... you were right. As I thought and everyone I know, that was the biggest mistake ever! His family wouldn't take him so I felt stuck and guilty... He was only supposed to stay until the end of week till he found somewhere else to go. His stuff was all packed in boxes in the garage ready to go!

While in the hospital he missed a court date and had a bench warrant. When he was at the house... he got picked up and had to stay in a couple of days until he could get things straightened out.

As you all know my marriage has been long over and I should have cut off all ties and should have not helped him anymore... but felt guilty in a way. Well, I got tired of putting my life on hold so I started seeing a guy that I've known for years and he knew my whole situation. I know I should have waited but... no excuse I know...

My husband was in custody and got out and I picked him up to bring him back to the house to get his stuff and move out. Things slipped right back to the same old. I took him to the Dr because... I don't know why? He went off on me because he asked if I was seeing someone and said yes. He called me every name in the book and threatened me (but not directly). I immediately went to a friends after returning home and he took off too. I went home in the morning to find that he had taken my cash and various random things from the house. He had court that morning.

I went to the court and told him and his attorney I had had enough and was no longer helping his case at all. I told his attorney that everything in the report was true! Then I left and changed the locks on the door.

He stayed gone and didn't call until a couple days later when he wanted to use the computer and get things. I called the police to have a buffer but threatened and then promised nothing would happen and I'd better call them off, so I did. Things got heated. There is no reasoning with someone who is so out there... He got physical again but is injured so I got away. He finally left with a lot of his stuff. I was so mad at myself and in shock!

I took pictures of my injuries (bruises) and then got the nerve to call the police the next night and reported it this time. I'm being very careful where ever I'm at because I just don't know what to expect. I cancelled everything I was paying for for him so he's probably even more enraged. I just didn't know what else to do! I have to server all ties and be strong.

I'm not going to go into hiding but I am scared because he knows where I work and of course where I live. I would hope he'd have the sense to just stay away but somehow I don't think so. It's been almost a week since I've heard from him so I'm getting even more on edge. He did say once that the best time to pay back someone is when they least expect it... I never would have thought he was this evil of a person. He also wants to make me lose my job and just completely ruin my life.

I was going to wait to file for divorce until he gets locked up... because he will so it would be easier but I don't know? You were all right and my family and my friends. Why didn't I listen? I didn't think I was stupid but I guess I'm not that bright either...

Any thoughts on how to be safe... and still live a normal life?

thanks,
LovesAnimals

[Synnen]

FIRST: You are not stupid.

Repeat that to yourself. YOU are not stupid.

Good on you for finally getting rid of him!

Safety stuff:

ALWAYS lock your doors and windows. Car, house, wherever.

Always get an escort to your car from your job when you leave. EVERY time. If there is no security to do it, then ask a co-worker if they will please walk with you.

For the time being, don't go places alone. Get a friend to go with you to the grocery store, shopping at the mall, wherever. Your family sounds very supportive--maybe you have someone in your family that could stay with you for a couple of weeks?

Change your phone number.

Change your email addresses where possible.

Call the major credit agencies and set up passwords for opening new accounts with your name/social security number. Make your password a HARD password--not the name of a pet, or your mother's maiden name or any of that. If they'll let you, use something like "14 dozen aspirin cookies".

Get a lawyer, and file for divorce. Get a restraining order while you're at it.

DO get out as often as you can--with friends. Go out to dinner, out to a movie, out to coffee.

Take a self defense course. It's a good time-filler, and will give you confidence in yourself.

[LovesAnimals]

Thanks for all the good advise Synnen. Well this is where I'm at now...

I am still taking steps forward. I called and got him cancelled on my accounts such as Sam's club, AAA, etc... I called and set up an appointment to see the lawyer that helps women/men at the domestic violence office in my area. That appointment is for next Wednesday (the soonest I could get in). I am going to move forward and file for divorce and also file a restraining order at the same time if they can help me with that too.

I'm trying to sell all joint property that we are both financed on such as the motorcycle. I won't ride it and he won't be able to pay for it. I work two jobs right now and I'm burnt out. I need to get rid of bills like I'm getting ride of him. It will also make the divorce a little smoother without all the assets too.

My family is very supportive now that I've pulled my head of the sand! They don't live near by so they can not stay with me. I do have someone in my life though that is really helping me through all of this. We have been friends for a few years and now it has moved into more... Although it helps, he is not the reason I'm moving forward on all this. I'm just done and want to move on with my life alone or with someone doesn't matter as long as my husband is gone!! I am being very careful and I've been following the advise given to be safe.

Thank you for your support and encouragement to finally help me get to this place in my life. It's been a struggle but I'm glad I finally made it! I see the light at the end of the tunnel! Keep you posted on what happens with his court and the divorce... Thanks again!!