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The last person who wrote sounds exactly like my counselor. She says I have to unhealthly draw or need to my husband that doesn't allow me to leave. She says I'm actually hurting him by staying. She can see how much everything confuses me and how much I really do love him. The problem is that his constant want of things and his own way and treatment of me... changed who I was. I had resentment that built up slowly and I would just ignore it instead of addressing things... Now it's caused all this drama and nonsense to happen.
I know we can't be together for the good of me and the good of him but I'm not going to leave him alone in dealing with the charges. Even though I know his actions put him in this position I can't help feeling responsible for bringing them on because I told the doctor the truth! I told the truth! I'm not going to deny that he choked me but I am going to say it was horseplay and he doesn't deserve to go to prison for years. Maybe they will get him the help he needs.
I know that you're not going to stand up for yourself and tell the truth in this. He will not get the consequences that he deserved because you are unwilling to put him through that. Even though he should. I get it. You don't want to "hurt" him - even though you should send his sorry bum to jail to rot. Honestly, wife beaters are some of the most repulsive, disgusting people. But at least get yourself out of there. Forever. He WILL turn on you again. Don't be around for it. |
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You know LoveAnimals when people are in an abusive relationship they tend to put the blame on themselves but with counselling you'll get out of the frame of mind. Any jail time he gets he because of his own actions not yours. You didn't make him choke and let alone almost kill you, he did and what would've happen if he didn't almost kill you but actually kill you? Unlike some females who lives were taken away at the hand of their abusers, your luckily to be alike so don't stay with him another day because who knows what he might do you since you already know what he is capable of doing. Escape while you have the life in to do so. It saden me that your allowing yourself to take the blame but I can undeestand why because you're the victim of abuse and again only counselling and a strong support group can make see things in another light. |
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Domestic Violence Statistics Domestic Violence Statistics: Prevalence and Trends ~ FindCounseling.com |
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Hey there...
I know he's not the only one living in a fantasy land, I am too! My counselor is not as bad as it comes across. She's really opened my eyes up to a lot things about myself and she continues to tell me that none of this is my fault (the abuse part). Now the relationship changing on the other hand has a lot to do with me... but it's no one's fault really. Going into the relationship I put him on such a pedastal that he could say or do no wrong. Even when I knew what he was saying was a stretch of the truth... I believed him because I wanted to. I have been stuck in a mode of making sure he's okay for so long, that I can't even answer a simple question without thinking how the outcome would make my husband feel. That is not normal and is wrong. My counselor says I'm like someone who wants to help take care of an alcoholic but also provides the booze. Point is that we are both messed up and together it's toxic. Nothing, absolutely nothing, justifies what my husband did to me. The more I listen to him talk about the incident and blaming the dr for reporting it and how much or a B-I-*** she is for being the hero and not minding her business... and now not saying she was wrong. I even explain the my husband that I'm still jumpy and not okay with us. But he doesn't get it... And like my counselor said, he will never get it. I love him but it's not a healthy love and I know it. I secured a place to rent the other day and I'm going to be moving in about a month. I'm letting my house forclose. It's tough for me because I've never walked away from anything and I've always taken care of things but I just can't this time. Unfortunately... HE is moving with me for the time being. I know that's wrong because he'll know where I'm at and all but it will just be easier. Also, I want to help him through all the court stuff the best I can... since I was the one who told the dr and could have avoided all this. If I'd only had the guts to just tell him it was done and leave this would have never esiclated to this... and that's why I feel guilty. What he did was wrong but what I did was too. I say I did it for him, not to hurt him, but I also did it for me... I didn't want to be the bad guy... and now I am and at much worse a cost than just a broken heart. Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else... so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad... very sad. But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality... |
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 Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
So if your guilt stems from not telling him it was over and it escalating to violence, why do you continue to stay waiting for the next episode of violence that may critically injury you or take your life? You haven't come out of your fantasy, when you are out of your fantasy, you will not be standing by his side. There are good men out there, PLENTY, that understand that you NEVER lay your hands on another person, that it not love, that it's control. You are controlled by this man and he will abuse you again. |
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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
Justwantfair is absolutely right here. YOU are NOT responsible for any this. You didn't shove those pills in his mouth, he did. You didn't force him to nearly choke you to death. I know you feel that it is your fault that you didn't have the guts to leave him before it escalated. But I say it is HIS fault because HIS ACTIONS ultimately led to this. If he never did this, YOU wouldn't have been put in the situation you're in now, correct? Stop feeling guilty for loving and caring for him - you're human. Humans love and care for their family and friends. Unfortunately, some people take advantage of us for loving and caring but that does not make it our fault for loving and caring. Don't blame yourself for things he did. If anything, you should be angry at him for putting you in this situation and trying to kill you... You've taken the first steps and I applaud you for that so far. But you need to let go of this completely and realize that you are hurting yourself and him by continuing to try to support him. This is NO longer your responsibility. Your responsibility is now to yourself and yourself alone, first and foremost. |
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Letting him know where you will be is a BIG mistake. This was your chance to break it and start your healing process. You need to start loving yourself and as Justy has told you; the violence WILL occur again, you know this. Forget about him, end it please. He is not emotionally stable... and it is not your job to fix it. Stringer |
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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
He can not know where you live, when you are leaving, what any of your plans are. He will be so angry that he will lash out where he can, it's an assault to his manliness, his ego, his sense of power and control and who do you suppose will bare the brunt of his anger? He will hunt you down, perhaps quite literally. Ignore any sweet talk, ignore any apologies, ignore any threats, ignore any promises of changing. Do not take that chance! Break the lease on the place you rented, explain a bit of the situation with the property manager, perhaps they will let you out without any issue. Even if they do, do not let money keep you from doing what you need to do to keep away from him. Document everything that is done and said. Have no further contact with him... nothing, do not answer e-mails, pages, texts, phone calls, nothing. I wish you much strength and courage... wisdom and peace. It won't be easy. It will be down right gut wrenching, but you are strong... and you will get through it... much wiser and stronger than you ever knew you were. If nothing else, think of it this way... if this was your best friend, sister, mother, or daugther going through the same thing... what would you tell them to do?? |
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WHY ARE YOU PROTECTING HIM? HE COULD HAVE KILLED YOU! All you are doing is changing residences, and you are taking him with you. Why are you allowing this? You need to go somewhere that is safe, and away from HIM! You Need to realise that this is NOT YOUR FAULT! He IS responsible for his own actions. This wasn't anything YOU did, anything YOU caused, anything YOU asked for! These were HIS ACTIONS! You told the Dr. what was going on. You needed to do that! Stop feeling guilty for turning in a CRIMINAL! Yes, he is a CRIMINAL! Physical abuse, or any kind of abuse AT ALL, is a DEAL BREAKER! You have NO responsibility in this PERIOD! Are you going to stick around feeling guilty until he KILLS YOU??? Get out while you still CAN! He WILL do this again, and I think you know that don't you!! Trust your gut, and get AWAY from him! |
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I completely feel like my life is falling apart...
Thanks for the continued support and advise. I really do understand and know everything you all are saying to me but it really really helps to have the positive reinforcement that I'm not completely crazy in thinking the way I do. Last night I got so frustrated I raised my voice and then started crying. I haven't paid my mortgage for a month and 1/2 now and it's showed up on my credit. One of my credit cards decided to lower my limit because of this but at least they didn't jack up the interest rate. The reality of everything is really starting to hit me and I'm having a really hard time dealing. I took two Xanx last night and completely knocked out! My husband decided to go out to his friends and spend the night... since I wasn't giving anything up "intamately" and he needed to talk to his family about helping him out with lawyer fees.. The lawyer says his case is beatable because it's all hear say but he'll need a lawyer. We fought last night because he saw the copies of the med reports from the doctor. I got copies of my last two visits so he could see them and for the lawyer to have. One tells what really happened. It mentions I thought he was on drugs and belongs to a bike club "gang" and that he choked me. The second states I lied about that because I was embarrassed about our sexual endeavors. He started telling me that I really want to F him over because why did I say all that stuff? I explained again that I was scared! He had guys in his club call all the guy numbers in my phone and threaten them to stay away from me. I work at a bar for my second job and have regular customers I text to let them know I'm working... hence money but that's it and my husband knew about this! Guys from the club were coming in more often and my husband told me sometimes they come in not wearing their colors. I don't want to be constantly watched even though I'm not doing anything wrong. If I wanted to cheat on him I could have but I didn't! Anyway... he says "how could you do this to me". I'd expect this out of my ex wife but not you... I said "maybe you shouldn't have choked me". He says last night that he has a friend that's going to give him work and pay him cash to help with the bail money and lawyer fees. He says... see this money could have gone towards paying down bills and the house but instead we are losing the house and we are spending it on bail and a lawyer for something I said. He says... all I wanted for us to communicate and work together and now look at this. I told him I was communicating when I told him we were over extended and were probably going to loose the house. I did communicate with him that I'm hurt and damaged by his verbal/emotional treatment towards me and now physical and that it would take a long time to get over if I even can and to back off and that NO I didn't want to be intimate. He bascially told me last night how I don't back him and because I said something to the doctor I was trying to screw him. He says I complain that he's said he could ruin my day job... but he hasn't and look I've gone and screwed him over. If I was trying to screw him over... I would have gone to the cops or blamed him for something he didn't do. I was scared and trying to protect myself. What I did wasn't wrong. I just feel like I'm going to have a complete melt down here pretty soon. My credit score (which I know is nothing compared to my life) has gone from excellent to fair in just one month! I've worked so hard my entire life to pay things I'm responsible for and take care of things I'm responsible for and it's all gone... All this work for nothing... and he just doesn't get it... how it's all affecting me really. How it's affecting me mentally, emotionally... everything. I understand he feels hurt and betrayed and is scared because he may go to prison or get probation or something but feels that he did what he did because I wouldn't talk with him or be intimate. He says he's totally screwed on finding a job ever because of his charge 13 yrs ago for drugs, dismissed charge 4 yr ago for terorist threats against his ex-wife, and now the two new charges... That's not my fault but his! |
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Ok... has he or has he not physically abused you? Are we correct in understanding that he has choked you in the past, along with other abusive behaviour? If so, you need to stop communicating with him NOW! Stop talking to him about all that is going on. If you lied at your doctor's visit, that would obviously not be a good thing, but you can't change that now. If it comes up, be totally honest about being fearful. Do you have any friends or relatives in another area that you could stay with for a period? Another state would be better if possible... a friend he doesn't really know much about would be ideal. If so, make arrangements to do so... do not let him, or anyone else, know that you are going... when or where. If staying with a friend or family member is out of the question, check out centers for abused women... your doctor can put you in touch with them... as they really should have done already. Do inform the police of your plans, of your fears, of the past assaults. Document, document, document everything. You have to decide whether you want to continue in this type of a relationship because it isn't going to change. If you do, if this is the sort of relationship you had hoped to have, that is your choice. If you want more, then you need to make some very tough decisions. Yes, you will be scared... yes, you will be anxious... yes you will have second thoughts and even start thinking about the good times... all of that is normal... but if you want to be safe and have the chance for a true loving relationship down the road, you have to fight through those feelings. There are people available to help you through each step of the way; who want to help you as they have been in your place before... you have to seek out that help in your area if you want change. It can be difficult to do on your own... take all the help you can along the way. |
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OH WOW! --Bike gangs --Threats from gang members to your customers --Terrorist threats to his ex --Drugs charges ---Physical, mental, and emotional abuse ---Choking you --Blaming you for the problems with your house and credit when you are working two jobs --He's not working --Leaving when you won't put out for him --He will likely go to prison and is blaming you --He has run your credit off into the ditch --because of him you are losing your home, and he has threatened that he would try and screw you around with your job, to make things worse for you. ... and you are upset because you raised your VOICE? What? Honey, you are in more danger than you recognise! If he can get his gang members to call people they don't even really know, what do you think they could do to you if they were given the go ahead? Although I don't personally know you, I don't want to see your face on the news as a murder victim! If you think it can't happen, think again dear. It can, and it does! We see it everyday. You are the number one priority right now. The house, credit, and everything else has to take the back burner for now. You need to go to a safe house. Do you remember how helpless you were when he was choking you? He can and will overpower you. Don't stick around any longer. I really don't think you even get how much DANGER you are in. Please get out! |
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Hey we're here for you :) What you're going through is by no means easy and I can't say enough that I truly feel for your situation but I know you can do this - stay strong and hang in there. You are definitely not crazy... your situation is.
As far as the credit thing goes, I've been in your shoes before. You spend your life and energy trying to be responsible for your own actions and then all of a sudden crap hits the fan and you're left picking up the pieces. Seems like when it rains it FREAKING pours doesn't it? What helped me make it through times like these is the fact that even though your credit is suffering, it is a small price to pay to get out of the situation with YOUR LIFE intact. I personally would rather be alive with bad credit than being dead with a 850 credit score... I'm glad you see this too! His immaturity and lack of desire to take responsibility for his actions speaks volumes as to his true nature. He is not only delusional, but is trying to take the "victim" mentality in all this. No, what you did wasn't wrong. What HE did was WRONG. I understand your frustration, but remember HE isn't the victim here... YOU are. Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, he is blaming you. He is completely in the wrong here. You know, I'd almost feel sorry for your husband but the fact that he continues to downplay the whole physical violence and trying to kill you thing and acts like it isn't a big deal is pretty amazing... really. It just goes to show you how delusional he is about the whole situation and he keeps making this all about HIM, HIM, HIM and what you're apparently doing to him. You better believe damn straight that this isn't your fault! He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. Each individual is solely responsible for their current, past, and future actions. Get out while you still can, seriously. |
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Originally Posted by starbuck8
I know - and it's upsetting and frustrating to see the same thing posted over and over again. Sad. And most of the time the victim thinks it's her fault. Must be some way to break the cycle... but other than continuing to hammer the same points home, I don't know what it is. |
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We can talk until we're blue in the face, until she realizes that this needs to stop, she needs to leave, there's nothing we can do. OP, why did you come here asking for advice? Did you want us to confirm that you're being abused? We did. Did you want us to tell you it can't be fixed? We did. Did you want us to tell you to leave? We did. What more do we have to say? I know you're scared, but wouldn't you rather be scared and safe then scared and in danger? This will not end, sitting on your arse and hoping for the best will not solve your problem. You need to act, only you can. Either get out of there, find your life again or sit back and wait for him to kill you. Those are your options. Personally, the second one doesn't sound so great to me. |
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Let me put this as bluntly as possible: If you do not leave, you are committing suicide. Period. I have no sympathy for you or ANY of your problems if you don't get off your butt, regardless how scared you are, and get to a women's shelter and divorce your husband. NEVER see him again. Period. If you choose not to do this, YOU are making the choice to LET him treat you like this. If you stay, then IT IS YOUR FAULT that the abuse continues. He can't hurt you if you're not there for him to hurt. If you leave, you will find support. You will find people who are better than he is, and people who care for you more than he does--including yourself! If you stay, you are committing suicide, because he WILL lose control one day, and he WILL kill you. |
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