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Okay... this is the situation now... My husband came over to get more things the other day. I let him in because he had a friend with him (female) that seemed to be more on my side and said she didn't know him well or what was going on. My husband and I argued but that was about it. He was getting things packed in his car when the police showed up and arrested him. This is because he had put hands on me the last time he was at the house and I told the police what happened. They were just driving by to check on me and saw him there so they took him in.
Now he's sitting in jail and can't get bailed out this time. He called me several times the day they took him in and I answered the phone (prepaid mintues left from last time he was in). The money on the prepaid ran out and I haven't renewed so I can not longer accept his calls until I renew it again. I am chosing not to. When I feel sad for him and almost think about excepting I remind myself that he had no right to grab me by the hair and yank me to the ground... and I should have told what he did. His actions put him there... not mine. His lowlife friends tried to take our car saying he gave them permission but I stood my ground and eventually got it back. I've been paying for it this whole time so I sold it to a friend who is assuming payments on it... This way he cannot take it back if/when he gets out on bail this time. I know he must be mad, confused, upset, scared and every emotion you can think of right now because his family doesn't want anything to do with him and I'm trying to separate as well and move on with my life. Yet I can't help but feel sorry for him and wish I could help but I know helping him is only enabling him. Although he has done things wrong I really don't think jail/prison is going to really help him change at all. I think it will make him worse. I couldn't imagine sitting in a little cell day and night only to go out to eat, shower, etc... and also knowing there is no one waiting for him when he does get out. I don't know what I would do... but then again... I would never be in that situation to begin with. I would never do the things he did to be in that situation... Is there anything I really can do fro him at this point? If I help I'm enabling... He should call his lawyer or a friend to get a hold of her. I called and left a message. Honeslty it's not my responsiblitly but why do I feel guilty... |
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So... I'm forcing myself to move forward on everything and keep reminding myself that I'm not really to blame.. his actions are. Helps to have a good support system now ;) Even though my family is 2500 miles away I have a few good friends and my boyfriend who is a god send.
My husband's friends bailed him out yet again. His other friends that I've been in contact with let me know... a heads up. He tried calling but then he's been going through his friend. He has accepted the fact that his vehicle is gone but he'll have his bike. A friend of his is going to pick up the bike tonight and I'm going to take the rest of his personal things to another friends so he can get it there. Then there should be no reason for him to ever need to come over to my house again... I wouldn't think. I will take his mail to the friend's house that lives nearby. I'm finally taking things one step further now... I set up an appointment on Friday to see a paralegal about starting my divorce. I've waited so that I wouldn't hurt his case(s) but someone told me they are looked at separately. Besides, I need to sever ties before he accumulates more debt. If I place separation in March (which is when I really made the final decision to not reconcile) will I be liable for the debts he got after that date? I'm proposing in the divorce that I take the thousands and thousands in debt and also keep all the assets except his personal ones and anything he really needs. I hope he goes for it because if he doesn't I don't know what I will do? All the debt is in my name (credit cards mostly) and I know he will not pay it and I'll get stuck with it anyway. Let's face it, he's probably going to go to prison/jail so... I look back and see my posts from the beginning and I think how could I even think the way I was? Don't get me wrong... I still have a long way to go to be okay but like you all said... I'm going in the right direction. I've learned a lot from all of this too about myself and what I want out of life and I'm still learning. Thanks for all the support. Believe it or not, this site has really helped me. Hearing other peoples stories and reasurrance that I'm not crazy and what I'm going through is normal. It may not be at the pace other go but I'm made it here and it feels good. I do still feel guilty at times but then remind myself that he's not really guilty for what he did... Thanks everyone and I'll let you know the verdict in his case and how the divorce goes ;) |
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You sound positive and strong. Keep it up. It will get better. Much, much better!! Every time you feel the guilt or have second thoughts and doubts, push them right out of your head and think of something positive, like your new future. Best wishes, LovesAnimals! |
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Well... it's been a couple weeks since I've posted and things are progressing with the divorce and my emotional state and co-dependancy to my husband.
I signed the divorce papers and they are being filed as I type. I also sold our motorcycle so that's one less bill on the plate. My husband will text me random texts that say he's sorry and wants to be friends and not to end things like this. Then he'll send texts asking about my new guy. Then he'll send hateful texts that progressivly get worse. The same cycle but it's just with text instead of him saying it. I simply don't respond. The last text I sent in response asked him to only text or contact me about things that have to do with us, our divorce, or his belongings (which are mostly moved to his friend's house now) and anything personal is none of his business and said I would do the same. Of course he's not doing that but I no longer respond. I felt a small sense of closure this last weekend when we sold the bike but also a little sad too... I never wanted my marriage to end like this but it couldn't be fixed. It was a very unhealthy relationship for both of us. Well... I just wanted to post that things are moving forward and I'm trying not to look back. I have a new life ahead of me without him and he is not my responsibility. No adult is anyone's responsibility but their own... Thanks again and I'll let you know what happens with the court date in the next couple weeks... Thanks again... |
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Racquel58 you are so right... when I go back and read my posts from the very beginning it seems like a different person. I can't believe what an emotional and mental hold he really had on me? I look back at different situations and can't even believe how I reacted?!
Thank you to all of you that continued to support me through all of this, even me wanting to know how to forget everything so I'd be okay with him again. Both my husband and I fed off each other and it was a bad situation for both of us! We both took paths in our lifes to change that although his was by force and he didn't take a healthy or legal one. Not only is he facing the first charges against me, but two other unrelated charges and another one against me... I didn't report him the first time and know now I should have. Women like me that protect the person who is hurting them (even if it was the first time)... don't help matters or those women that are trying to get out. It's a tough gig though with emotional abuse that turns violent because I just didn't want to see it and couldn't believe it was happening to me... you know. I'm not a stupid person so I didn't understand how I could have been so stupid!! I know I have issues to still deal with and I will instead of pushing them in the back of my head. My boyfriend now helps me to face things when I don't want to. I've know him for a few years and he's seen me go through must of this, so understands. I have good friends around me that have also helped as well as all of you here. I will continue to work on myself and I will have that healthy happy life / relationship I've always wanted ;) I just delivered the proof of service paperwork to the lawyer last night so now that balls in his court. Since he didn't make his last court appearance he now has bench warrants out. Chances of him responding to the divorce are about .00001% I would say so then it's just the waiting game for the next 6 months right? Thanks again for everything... everyone... and I really mean it! Since things are moving forward and I've gotten to the place everyone was hoping for, I don't know if I'll post again for a while or at all... If anything new happens or I need some more advise I won't hestitate to ask you ;) Again thank you everyone who commented and helped! LovesAnimals |
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Honey--I'm SO glad for you! I hope that even if you don't post on your situation again that you come back and help other women who are in the shoes you were wearing when you started. It's been an incredible journey with you, and though we've never met in person, I hope you know that you're special to me and that I'm so very very proud of you! |
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 Originally Posted by LovesAnimals;
Ok.. He's good for awhile. He convinces you he's sorry and will never do it again.. and that you're the love of his life. You find something you two don't agree with whole heartedly? What happens then? Does he turn aggressive? Does he threaten your life? What if you have kids? (if you don't already) and he threatens them.. or he uses them against you? I don't know. I've never been in an abusive relationship, but I have seen some. Mostly mental abuse, never physical.. And I just don't think that if you have to walk on eggshells around your husband of X amount of years, that its just not worth it. Of coarse, I'm pretty cantakorous myself and if my husband/boyfriend ever raised his hand to me... Well.. lets just say that he had best not go to sleep before me :) I wish you the best of luck. Just always remember you are a very capable woman and you will do fine on your own. |
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One more final post for me... even though I thought the last one was it ;) My husband just made a plea deal and is receiving 4 years in prision for his first violation against me and 2 years on the other one to run at the same time. I spoke with him on the phone a couple of days ago for closure. First I had a set back and melt down last week... then my new boyfriends brutal honesty brought me back. He said I was like a rollercoaster with my emotions and wanted the strong person he knew back!! I've been feeling guilty cause my husband was in jail and going to prison but he did that... by his choices.
I did get some closure in speaking to him on the phone though... he could say he was sorry (like I really believe him) and I forgave him but unfortunately will never forget ;( I told him I never wanted things to turn out this way but maybe good will come of it and he can get on a good path... Our divorce will be final 6 months from March 4th as well. We have no children and no assets together after the divorce is final so I should be free. I'm not going to lie, sometimes moving on is still a struggle but I've come this far so I can't stop now... I believe I made it or at least I'm well on my way... Again, thank you everyone... and I |
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Comment on LovesAnimals's post
No it is not fixable. Not unless you spend years away from him where you both do personal growth work, and never take drugs again. If you do leave him even temporarily you need to go to a safe house. This is serious. Find the place and make life arra
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Comment on LovesAnimals's post
Did you ever wonder why you have an affinity for animals? Because you may know how it feels to be treated like one. I have had a relationship like this and I love animals too! You would never let one of your animals be treated this way no matter how
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