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Survivor07 · Mar 1, 2009, 07:23 PM

She's hurt, too, because she really does want you to be around for her when SHE decides she wants a committed relationship.

I'll say it again, time needs to pass without contact. It's the best thing for you both to cool off, collect your thoughts and find out who each is without the other.

She knows she needs to go out and meet the world, and you know, she isn't all wrong. You both need to do that. 19 is way to young to be committing yourself for the rest of your life.

She is wrong, however, to expect you to be able to handle going from boyfriend to instant best friend and hearing about her dates with other guys!! That's craziness. If you were to have that kind of friendship, which you may, it could not happen for some time.

I agree with the statements above. Every time you do have contact, it's like ripping off the band-aide. Stop the bleeding=NC

A4Effort · Mar 1, 2009, 08:50 PM

Well, since I did not have any will do study, I decided to hang out with some friends who invited me to this pancake night. I met couple new people and had fun. I did not think about my situation and had fun.

BUT, as I was walking to my room, my ex walked put the bathroom and we met face to face in front of another friend. She was very upset and clearly has been crying the whole time I was gone. She knew that I left with friends and that I had fun. I told her I wish I could be there to comfort her but I can't at this point. She understood and told me to go. She said that she is not sure if what she wants is what she actually wants.

Survivor07: You are totally right. There is a part of me that does not blame her for doing what she is doing but there is also a large part that does not understand her completely. She is 19 and I am 20 and that is way too young to commit to each other. I do know that once she goes home for break, her parents will straighten her out and make her OK being away from me. I will need to recover and heal fast so that when she does come back from break I will be able to accept this new change. I will need a lot of support if this happens over break because I want her to be happy but I do not want her to loose all relationship related feelings towards me.

Survivor07 · Mar 2, 2009, 05:44 PM

Don't worry, her feelings are going to be there for a while. It's a shame you see her so much. Since total NC is impossible, the mature thing is to be civil. Sounds like you were this time.

"Recover and heal fast" LOL If only it were that easy... The pancake night, going out, new people--you're on your way : )

You wanting her to be happy is nice, especially since you've been so hurt and angry.

She's conflicted, confused. A break at home isn't going to fix that. She'll still be confused when she gets back. Leaving the comfort zone (you) is not easy.

The good part is some real NC will be taking place.

Then go from there. Have fun and TRY to study. That's why you're there!!

A4Effort · Mar 3, 2009, 10:54 AM

So I ignored her, moved on, and started having fun again. She on the other hand realized that I moved on and decided to come back to me. She said that I cannot image my life without you and I want to be committed to you. She said once I decided to just say "f** you, I am moving on," she wanted me back. She said that the strength I displayed was very attractive. I told her I need to think about it because she has hurt me greatly and that it would take a lot of time to regain her trust. So I need to decide if I want to explore myself and move on or take her back and work on what we had.

mckenzie134 · Mar 4, 2009, 07:51 AM

WOW!! That was great... She took you back...
That will probably last for another 6 months till she regains control and you become little biy again with no balls and she will toss you to the kerb agaibn.

Maybe get some knackers cause I reckon she has been running the relationship. Yourve done the right thing here and obviously you want to be with her, but please this time show her your in charge, if she isn't happy then so be it!! This girl cam back cause you showed some backbone!! Keep it up or you wikl soon be gone again!
Good work...

kp2171 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:47 AM

No easy answer here.

Getting back together doesn't mean much if the root causes of your troubles are not solved. Sure... I'm not surprised that your showing backbone has her intrigued. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe it's a real reality check. Maybe it's a side of you she didn't expect. Maybe she's afraid you are moving on before her and shed rather be the one to be over you first.

When someone breaks up with you, or pushes the situation to that edge, they've been thinking about it for some time, most of the time. You might be kicked in the teeth and completely disoriented, but chances are, they've been living with the breakup on their mind for some time. I know that you, technically, broke up with her, but really... c'mon... she cornered you. Forced your hand. You at least had the guys to say "no way" to hanging around and waiting.

You shouldn't have to say "screw you" to get a person to pay attention to you. She might have a genuine change of heart... but id really hold back at this point.

What do you have to prove to her? Nothing. She has a lot to prove to you. She doesn't take you back, you take her back. Or not.

I know NC is hard to do based on your living so close, friends, etc. fine.

Like mckensie said, if you let her back in, you need to do what is right for you and not focus on what is right for the relationship. You don't need to be a pr!ck to be in control of yourself... and bending to her whims isn't going to get you anywhere but back in this same place.

At this point, I don't trust her.

Even if I honestly believe what she's said, I don't trust that any of the issues are solved. At her age, a desire to explore, even when in a loving relationship, is common and natural. I don't think those feelings are gone... just being repressed for the time being.

And on your side... remember NC isn't about winning someone back. Its about clearing your head and thinking about what is right for you. If she doesn't come back and you choose to let her back in, fine. Your call. Just know the moment you start focusing on her and on you two as a couple, you are perhaps giving up some of that clarity you had when you took that needed, hard step back.

So... if you are back together, make sure you are still holding back some... you need that perspective... and you need her to talk about what she was feeling and what is different now.

Seeing that you were moving on isn't enough to make things right in the long run. That's just a fear of being left behind.

A4Effort · Mar 4, 2009, 02:44 PM

Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just afraid. I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time. I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life. I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do. I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.

Fizzy Burst · Mar 4, 2009, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

I am affraid that I will not find someone like her

Right now you may feel like you will not be able to find someone else like here, but in all reality there are a million other women that you will again someday feel like you will never find anyone else like them. Breakups are hard, but time doesn't stand still while you sit and feel bad about all of this. Make the best of your time, and look look for all of the happiness that is all around you.

Romefalls19 · Mar 4, 2009, 03:47 PM

A4, I really don't think this is a wise idea. There hasn't been much time to think about things or put the relationship into proper perspective. Sure everything feels like it is falling back into place because she's coming back, but examine her reasons for coming back, because she thought she was losing you. Which means, to me, that she views you as a possession, something that is hers and when you are always right there for her, she has nothing to worry about. And when she feels she is losing you, she tosses on the waterworks and then you are hooked right in.

artlady · Mar 6, 2009, 02:06 AM

Originally Posted by A4Effort

Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just affraid. I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time. I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life. I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do. I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.

Nothing has been fixed! What is going to be any different?
She has proven again that she has the upper hand and you have not done any work on the relationship.
Loving is the easy part ,it just is. Keeping it together and healthy takes work.Work can only happen if both people are on the same page and have the same realistic expectations.All that has been learned is that she could crush your world in a minute.
You need to get some books for couples and study them together.
Don't get so caught up in being back together that you forget what got you split.You can't just sweep it under the rug and expect everything to work out because you have love on your side.I wish you the best and I really hope you work work work to make this relationship as healthy as possible!

talaniman · Mar 6, 2009, 09:06 AM

A4Effort;1584384, Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just afraid.

Would love to know what she said to that!

I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time.

So you got back together, and need time and space? You had that without her, already. Failing to see how thats constructive.

I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life.

Thats more of a threat, than a reasonable request, and I again fail to see how this is constructive. Your setting up some unreasonable boundaries that may have her trying to please you and not out of love and care. Sounds more like punishment for past behavior and a way to get revenge by her stroking your ego. Whats the good in that? Not very healthy approach to partners working together.

I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do.

So to stay with you, which is questionable, she has to jump thru hoops to please you, and you think that means she feels as you do? Think again, as your setting the boundaries for what she should do for you, but what about some equality here for how she feels. That would be working together, as opposed to her doing what YOU want her to do.

I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.

So unless she meets your standards, you will not give this relationship your full support?? Whats the point of getting back together if your going to have all your preconditions? Thats not what a healthy caring loving relationship is all about, so again, whats the point in being together again?

This sounds more like revenge and control to me, and that would be a recipe for disaster, and a waste of time.

Sorry guy, I just don't see this working.

Romefalls19 · Mar 6, 2009, 09:09 AM

This is not going to work out, you are putting far too much stress and boundaries to her. Relationships are and will forever be 50/50, and you flat out said you aren't going to give it your all until she wins you over. This is emotional terrorism at its best, you make her feel beneath you, yeah that's a great way to keep a girl. See you in a month wondering why she left your arse.

A4Effort · Mar 7, 2009, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Would love to know what she said to that!
She said that my feelings are understandable and that with time things will work out. She said that we both need to work on things so that we do not make the same mistakes.

So you got back together, and need time and space? You had that without her, already. Failing to see how thats constructive.
I need time to slowly get back into the relationship because we went from relationship to break up and back to a relationship in all less than a month. Everything cannot be perfect right away, especially since she hurt me.

Thats more of a threat, than a reasonable request, and I again fail to see how this is constructive. Your setting up some unreasonable boundaries that may have her trying to please you and not out of love and care. Sounds more like punishment for past behavior and a way to get revenge by her stroking your ego. Whats the good in that? Not very healthy approach to partners working together.
I agree. That is exactly what I was thinking. She hurt me so I wanted to punish her in some way because I did not want to take her back without letting her know that she hurt me. I thought if I let her back without explaining to her this, than she would think she has the choice to come and leave whenever she pleases.

So to stay with you, which is questionable, she has to jump thru hoops to please you, and you think that means she feels as you do? Think again, as your setting the boundaries for what she should do for you, but what about some equality here for how she feels. That would be working together, as opposed to her doing what YOU want her to do.

So unless she meets your standards, you will not give this relationship your full support?? Whats the point of getting back together if your going to have all your preconditions? Thats not what a healthy caring loving relationship is all about, so again, whats the point in being together again?

This sounds more like revenge and control to me, and that would be a recipe for disaster, and a waste of time.
Revenge yes, control....not intentional.

Sorry guy, I just don't see this working.

I hope you are wrong in this last statement because I am willing to put in a lot of effort to make us both happy. I am still new to this long term relationship since I am only 20. So, that is why I appreciate the advice on here so much. My partner and I also talked about going to a relationship counselor to seek further advice.

Originally Posted by artlady

Nothing has been fixed! What is going to be any different?
She has proven again that she has the upper hand and you have not done any work on the relationship.
Loving is the easy part ,it just is. Keeping it together and healthy takes work.Work can only happen if both people are on the same page and have the same realistic expectations.All that has been learned is that she could crush your world in a minute.
You need to get some books for couples and study them together.
Don't get so caught up in being back together that you forget what got you split.You can't just sweep it under the rug and expect everything to work out because you have love on your side.I wish you the best and I really hope you work work work to make this relationship as healthy as possible!

We both acknowledged our faults and what we need to work on. We are working on it as we speak and we also are looking to get some help from a relationship counselor.

A4Effort · Mar 9, 2009, 08:55 PM

Threads merged as a continuing story

. Since we have been back together I have been having problems with trust. We need to work on a few things in order not to replicate the past. But, I seem to always come back to the trust issue. How do I know if she will do it to me again? She is 19 and in college. How can she change her mind within a week and tell me that she won't have any of those thoughts again? I do not think she can. I just do not want to be pulled along for another couple months and than have the same thing happen.

I need to learn how to deal with this because if I do not it will hurt our relationship. We were talking about how we will have to be apart this summer (4months) since she lives about 4 hours away from college. We talked about how she will be looking for internships. I told her how awesome it will be for her this summer working at an internship. Than I said that she will probably meet someone and leave me again. She didn't like that but I managed not to get into an conversation about it over the phone.

So how do I go about this?

dealmein · Mar 9, 2009, 11:02 PM

You don't know she won't do it again and she more than likely will if you keep throwing it back in her face.

You are putting yourself down by saying "you will probably find someone else and leave me" I am already seeing a weakening of the backbone here. That's such a p*ussy thing to say.

You came to this site to get help getting over this girl. Advice was given and you chose to use the "getting over her" advice in getting back together.

Its obvious she would try and worm her way back in once it was obvious you weren't giving a damn but I can guarantee this relationship won't last another 2 months.

I have had the same experience with a girl once I started going out with other girls and being friends with my ex telling her about me having a laugh with my mates and going to clubs meeting girls she got jealous. Phoned me telling me how much she wanted me back. I fell for it hook line and sinker just as you have. I then became available for her like I used to falling back into the same routine which lost her in the first place. Sure enough if was over again.

Its up to you.

artlady · Mar 10, 2009, 12:01 AM

Than I said that she will probably meet someone and leave me again. She didn't like that but I managed not to get into an conversation about it over the phone.

Being in a relationship is the biggest leap of faith there is.You have to believe that the love will sustain.
There are never any guarantees.

Romefalls19 · Mar 10, 2009, 06:13 AM

Being in a relationship is like jumping out of an airplane, it's great as long as someone cared enough to pack your parachute.

A4Effort · Mar 10, 2009, 07:43 AM

So how should I go about this since I am already making mistakes. I am not asking to give me step by step advice but rather some general tips on what to do/what not to do.

kctiger · Mar 10, 2009, 07:52 AM

This is EXACTLY why we told you not to get back together. You can't just magically fix your issues by getting back together. You have self confidence issues, and no amount of love you get from your girl is going to change that. Being apart, and rebuilding your life, around things that you like and building yourself up, learning to love yourself, was key in being able to develop future relationships... I am not sure what you can do, other than enjoy what looks to be a short ride my friend.

A4Effort · Mar 10, 2009, 07:59 AM

For once I am going to disagree with everyone here. This will not be a short term relationship. I am committed on my part to put in the effort in making this relationship work. We acknowledged what needs to be worked on. I know I do not have self confidence issues in general but some lack of confidence has been shown in this thread. But what do you expect, it is a break up thread about my first big love.

Yes, I am still having issues with what she has done to me and I do not know how to go about that. If I am wrong about all of this, than when we do break up, I will have know that I gave it all my best and won't regret having broken up.