[sww420]

I am a very attractive woman and my boyfriend is very attracted to me. I make him very happy and I'm usually very easygoing. I know he loves me and I don't have to worry about him cheating on me, but I almost have an anxiety attack thinking about him watching porn (I introduced it into our relationship and can't handle thinking about him watching it now) or going to a strip club. He hasn't been to one since we've been together, but he has 3 friends getting married this year so there are 3 bachelor parties to go to. How do I get over my insecurities?! I really, REALLY don't want any other woman dancing on him and I especially don't want him throwing money at women! Ugh.

[kp2171]

First, lets not make this another thread about pro/con porn or strip clubs. The issue isn't is porn bad/good... that's been dealt with over and over on the threads here. In the end, you choose what you are willing to demand, need, and live with. The issue at hand is there is a potential conflict that you want to address.

The ONLY thing you can do is talk to him about your desires and feelings and see what his response is. If you both feel strongly, but are on opposite sides, then its time to decide if its an issue worth a fight, step back, etc.

Would it be enough of a compromise to say "look, i dont want you going to a strip club, but i know you have three buddies getting married, so go if you think its important to you, but know i dont like it, and i really am against any other woman dancing on you"...

You introduced porn into the relationship as far as you know. He might have watched it before you and just not addressed it. One way some couples have used erotic materials is to share it. Just a thought. Some people can do this and be happy. Some cannot. Not judging one way or another.

[450donn]

Well there is no one to blame except yourself. If you want to understand how destructive porn can be in a relationship, just sit down and start reading all of the posts concerning it here. There are hundreds of people that have problems in their relationships over the issue of porn and pron addiction. And that is only here on this forum.

[Fr_Chuck]

Be honest about the way you feel, tell him about it, ask him to stop or not to go to places that bother you.

[sww420]

first, lets not make this another thread about pro/con porn or strip clubs. the issue isnt is porn bad/good... thats been dealt with over and over on the threads here. in the end, you choose what you are willing to demand, need, and live with. the issue at hand is there is a potential conflict that you want to address.

the ONLY thing you can do is talk to him about your desires and feelings and see what his response is. if you both feel strongly, but are on opposite sides, then its time to decide if its an issue worth a fight, step back, etc.

would it be enough of a compromise to say "look, i dont want you going to a strip club, but i know you have three buddies getting married, so go if you think its important to you, but know i dont like it, and i really am against any other woman dancing on you"...

you introduced porn into the relationship as far as you know. he might have watched it before you and just not addressed it. one way some couples have used erotic materials is to share it. just a thought. some people can do this and be happy. some cannot. not judging one way or another.

Ok, you have a very good idea. Is it even possible for a guy to go to a strip club for a bachelor party and NOT get a lap dance though? Just wondering. I will talk to him about the compromise though. I think I set the stage for that discussion when we discussed me dancing with other guys when I go out with my girlfriends. He doesn't want me to and I don't want to. And that's a lot less troubling than strippers!

When I said I "introduced it" I meant as an erotic tool for us. He has watched porn for years before me. Since we pretty much live together, he doesn't masturbate as often as he used to, but it bothers me when he does that he's looking at other women. I hate gender roles and the way we socialized men and women to be different. We really aren't that different. How do I get over this insecurity since there's no real way to get him to stop>>>

[Synnen]

You realize that it's JUST a picture. Period.

Would you stop watching romantic movies if he asked---including Disney, with their misrepresentation of how "happily ever after" works? Would you give up romance novels?

It's the SAME THING. You'd be asking him to give up something that he enjoys because YOU are insecure.

What exactly about it makes you feel threatened?

[smoothy]

I am a very attractive woman and my boyfriend is very attracted to me. I make him very happy and I'm usually very easygoing. I know he loves me and I don't have to worry about him cheating on me, but I almost have an anxiety attack thinking about him watching porn (I introduced it into our relationship and can't handle thinking about him watching it now) or going to a strip club. He hasn't been to one since we've been together, but he has 3 friends getting married this year so there are 3 bachelor parties to go to. How do I get over my insecurities???!!! I really, REALLY don't want any other woman dancing on him and I especially don't want him throwing money at women!! Ugh.

First off... Porn or Strip clubs have absolutely NOTHING to do with you, how you look or whatever...

There are people with a bug up their butt about porn... and make it their personal Crusade. They woould serve themselves better buy going on a crusade about being overweight... thats a far more common and more serious issue. Nobody ever contracted a disease or developed serious medical conditions from looking at a naked woman. Just to put things in perspective.

Back on topic Guys are visual... women aren't. That's why women have a hard time understanding. A guy that doesn't look at other women or like to look at other women is either gay or has other issues. Looking has nothing to do with pursueing I must point out. Looking = normal and OK, skirt chasing = Not OK unless he is single.


And lastly... what do you really enjoy that you are willing to give up in exchange? Tit for tat...

[kp2171]

I think I set the stage for that discussion when we discussed me dancing with other guys when I go out with my girlfriends. He doesn't want me to and I don't want to. And that's a lot less troubling than strippers!!

Well, if that's his position (dont dance with other guys) I don't see why he shouldn't honor your request.

My love likes to flirt... I have no problem with it or with her dancing with other guys... and she gives me the same considerations if I go out. From previous discussions on the boards here, we are probably more comfortable with our spouse flirting with other people than most... but I also trust her completely and we seem to have enough overlap in this area. Personally, I like seeing her get attention from other men, and they buy her drinks so the tab is less and she comes home worked up. Bonus. ;) it works for us. But that's us, not you.

He seems to trust your going out without him, and you've both agreed on what "limits" are reasonable for you two.

I think the more you can talk openly about sexuality and the relationship, the better. I don't like ultimatums... but calm, reasonable talking opens the door for other discussions.

[dontknownuthin]

Tell him that your feelings for him have grown over time and while you thought that bringing porn into the relationship would be "fun" at the time you did it, you now regret it. Explain to him that you don't want to compete with the unrealistic standards of porn and strip club women, and the very unrealistic behaviors they represent as "normal" for women. Let him know that you already feel tremendous anxiety over the upcoming bachelor parties.

I personally think that bachelor and bachelorette parties have become really low-class functions. Why encourage a man or woman to ogle or even have sex with someone other than their fiancé right before the wedding? What kind of start is that for the marriage? What are the friends thinking... "here, for your wedding, we want to give you this huge load of guilt and shame to carry into your beautiful new marriage!" It stinks.

What's wrong with the men getting some beer and cigars and playing poker, or going to a NASACAR race or the horse track or some other "male bonding" deal without strippers and prostitutes being there?

And what's wrong with women going out for a fabulous, beautiful, elegant dinner and maybe a concert or show instead of some cheesy male strip club? What's the need to get so hammered that you look like hell for the wedding later in the week and have shameful photos and memories to carry with you?

When I married, we had a couples shower, in the evening, outdoors, hosted by my sister. We had a keg of beer, some wine, steaks and chicken on the grill. People came in their nice shorts, had a great time - with their spouses and significant others - and nobody's relationship was harmed with worries and questions about "what happened".

At the wedding, we skipped the garter dance... again, why have my new husband start our marriage by taking a garter off my thigh in front of my grandmother? Tacky, tacky, tacky, tacky. He didn't smear cake on my face, either. We had a blast - it wasn't all so prim and proper that it wasn't fun - but at no point did anyone make an offensive sexual joke or otherwise make me feel anything but like I was pure class, and that he was the same.

[kp2171]

Well here we go.

She is "insecure" and "threatened".

The OP'd ? Was how to talk to him about her feelings, not how to change her feelings. So now she should be more opened minded, but not him?

sww420... sorry if this thread blows apart now. I asked that this address your talking to him, not your "failure" to think like others.

*sigh*

[sww420]

You realize that it's JUST a picture. Period.

Would you stop watching romantic movies if he asked---including Disney, with their misrepresentation of how "happily ever after" works? Would you give up romance novels?

It's the SAME THING. You'd be asking him to give up something that he enjoys because YOU are insecure.

What exactly about it makes you feel threatened?

You're right. It's just a picture. I need to remind myself of that. I would never ask him to give up the porn. I just needed some perspective about it.

[sww420]

well here we go.

she is "insecure" and "threatened".

the OP'd ? was how to talk to him about her feelings, not how to change her feelings. so now she should be more opened minded, not him.

sww420... sorry if this thread blows apart now. i asked that this address your talking to him, not your "failure" to think like others.

*sigh*

THANKS SO MUCH!! I already started talking to him about one of my concerns and I feel better!! Only a few more topics to discuss with him and then I'll feel even more great than I do about our relationship. You're sooo right. Talk and compromise. Why didn't I think of it? ;)

[Synnen]

I honestly just don't get it.

I'm a female, been in a relationship with my husband for going on 13 years---and I've never, in this relationship or others, had a problem with the guy LOOKING at other women.

It probably helps that I've known several strippers, and their attitude towards the guys in the clubs is generally "Which one is willing to spend the most money?" and NOT "God, I'd love to go home with that guy and knock boots with him".

I'm not saying that it's not okay to have a line that each relationship draws--I'm saying that it IS insecure to be threatened by a girl that absolutely doesn't want your man or by a picture on a TV screen or computer. I mean, it's JUST as rational (to me! ) for a guy to be annoyed and threatened by the unrealistic standards of romance that society sets up as it is for a woman to feel threatened by strippers and porn---and it's ALL stupid. Your mate is more likely to meet someone at WORK that they'd cheat on you with (if they were so inclined to do so in the first place) than at a strip club.

Look--I'm not downplaying that you feel what you feel. And I'm not attacking you for it. I just really, truly, honestly don't understand why you feel threatened/unhappy about guys going out and doing something stupid like looking at naked women. To me, it's less likely that he's "window shopping" for a replacement woman than women are "window shopping" for a new whatever at the mall. I just honestly do not get it. And I'm a woman!

So I say that it's an insecurity, because it kind of is. Is it discourteous of him to go against your wishes? Absolutely. But I guess the real thing that needs to happen is that TOGETHER you talk and define boundaries for your relationship. Remember--neither of you may be 100% happy with those boundaries. You saying that he can't go at all is really going to come across as "I don't trust you", and him deciding that no matter WHAT is planned, he is going to do what the guys do is saying "I don't care how YOU feel about it". There has to be a middle ground there somewhere, but you have to TALK to each other to figure out where it is.

[chrissymarie]

Its great that you've talked to him but hopefully your not talking to him with the intent of getting your way in the end. The last thing you want to do to a man is make him feel trapped.

When most men look at porn they are not imagining being with that woman, or in the scene with her, and jthey deifnitely have no emotional attachments to the person on the screen. They just want a visual of boobs and vagina that they like so they can masterbate. That's it. He won't leave you for porn images so there's nothing to be insecure about there.

As for the strippers, you could give him all these rules but that once he gets there with his boys and all their support to be bad... he's going to do whatever he wants. I mean come on... Your basically letting him go to a candy store and not eat any of the candy. The strippers are just for entertainment. No sexual pleasure. Once that night is over the strippers go home withthere money and your man goes home to you. THE END.

You were right letting him know your uncomfortable about it, that may pursue him to do less then some of the other guys are doing but don't expect hiim not to have fun like all his boys will be. You shouldn't want to exclude him from all that fun. Which I s exactly what it will be... just fun.

Your insecurity issues can and will effect your relationship in a negative way if you can't fix them. And that is something you'll have to do on your own.

Just try to realize he is a grown man just like you are a grown woman. No one can tell him what to do and what not to do. He makes his own choices and if all the choices he makes are made to please you and not upset or disrespect you then he is doing a good job as your man. Your nagging him for no reason. Let the man be a man.

Find something else to do those nights with your girls and tell him that when he gets home that night your going to give it to him like never before. That should keep him looking forward to when the bachelor party is over and keep you feeling secure knowing your man won't do anything he isn't supposed to do because he'll get exactly what he wants when he gets home.

Be a fun girlfriend!

[blingaru]

Relationships are about compromise and give and take. If you're uncomfortable about it, he needs to know that and you both need to discuss it. If it's wrong for you, then it's wrong for both of you. Would you compromise if he told you he was uncomfortable with something you were doing? If the answer is 'yes', then he needs to at least be willing to consider compromising with you. Just because you're uncomfortable with this does not mean that you are insecure. We all have different thoughts and values. That's what makes us all unique.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

I don't get it: If a man has an extremely attractive girlfriend, why would he still need visuals of other women?

[smoothy]

I don't get it: If a man has an extremely attractive girlfriend, why would he still need visuals of other women?

Think of it this way... If a woman has Closets full of new clothes, why does she go clothes shopping at the mall, even if she isn't going to buy anything?

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Smoothy, I don't know any woman who has every intention of buying clothes at the mall and never buys any.

Next example puh-leeze!

[Synnen]

Okay, here are some other examples:

YOu have a perfectly good cat. Why would you ever want to go to the zoo to look at other animals?

You have a perfectly good diamond ring--why would you ever pause by the jewelers to see what beautiful things they have for sale?

You have a perfectly good garden--why would you ever go to the botanical gardens?

You live in a perfectly good city--why would you ever go to another city on vacation?

You have a perfectly good musical selection--why would you ever listen to the radio?

It's not about HAVING the other women in strip clubs and porn. It's just LOOKING at them.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

It's not about HAVING the other women in strip clubs and porn. It's just LOOKING at them.

So why do men who have perfectly nice looking girlfriends want to go out and intentionally pursue their eyes?